Grame
| Written by | Poodleinacan |
|---|---|
| Published on Creepypasta.com | November 2012 |
| Length | 283 words · about 1 minute to read |
| Story level | Micro |
| Reader rating | 3.3/10 from 1,189 votes |
| Category | Beings and Entities |
(This is an old poem that kids used to sing, during the middle ages. Its source is still unknown today.)
If you see a great tall man,
don’t worry, he is a friend.
Don’t ask him what is his name,
for he will be your friend.
If you have other good friends,
don’t worry, they wont matter.
You are all that is greater,
not them he shall befriend.
You see him teeter on land,
he never drinks from daddy’s juice.
You see him all to great joyce,
he is so really grand.
Don’t ask about the hat,
that sits on his bald head.
He wont ever tell yath,
why it is as soft as lead.
You see him at the star shine.
You wont at the sky light.
Always you see at night,
but mostly at the moon shine.
Also read: The Sandman
You ask him what his name,
he doesn’t say a yelp.
He ask you for a kind help.
After that, you will get same.
He ask you a small favor.
Kill your mom and so your dad,
but must give me favor.
Never tell about your lad.
If you peace your familly,
you will hear what you waited.
Through his mouth you will rally
words long asked and awaited.
He will now say this soon :
My name is really Grame
and I am fame.
You know, I am the Moon.
He will say he needs you,
for he is not so done.
You need to stop none,
he is not finished with you.
Credit: Poodleinacan
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“You see him at the star shine.
You wont at the sky light.
Always you see at night,
but mostly at the moon shine.”
I’m sorry, but that just sounds awful. :/ I understand that you were trying to go for an older English vibe, but even then, I believe most of your lines weren’t grammatically correct at all. You also need to work on your flow, because sometimes you get into a good rhyming pattern and then you throw in completely random words and it throws you off.
But besides that, my biggest problem is that this didn’t evoke any kind of feeling in me at all. It felt like I was just staring at the computer screen reading words- which I am, although it’s your job as the writer to make your readers forget that and completely engulf them in your story. Instead, you just made the majority of us (a) cringe away in repulsion or (b) quit reading halfway through your poem.
One last thing- How do you expect to last as a writer if you can’t handle some critique? You can only get better by recognizing and then fixing your mistakes, not getting pissed at anyone who points them out.
Have you ever seen that Grame seems to have the same characteristics as the slenderman? Like the fact that he only comes out at night, he’s bald, and he hangs around children.
No shit.
I’m coming for you all. And is he your friend or a murder
BAAAAD i can make better
I believe this was great :) I have always loved the morbid meaning to childhood poems and rhymes ^_^ and imaginging this one is quite a..treat xD if that’s correct saying idk :p but nice!!:D
Yes someone else believes it was great and I also like childhood poems and rhymes.
This. This deserves a new word. I got it! Terribad.
Terrible and bad.
Ohhh…so YOU’RE phone.
Btw, terribad is the best thing ever.
Bad because it isn’t scary. At all. And before you go all “OMG 10 year old u just want gore gtfo” go read the best pasta on here- psychosis
I’m sorry about all the trolls when you were really looking for feedback, but this pasta honestly made no sense. And most of your replies to these comments make no sense either. It did give me a good laugh though, so ah, keep trying I guess…
Lil Wayne writes better shit than this.
i wonder why this got so much feedback. :)
it’s interesting. the amount of feedback generated is even more intriguing
The thing im getting from this author. Is that he has not a FUCKING clue what he is talking about, He references that old english would not be able to be read. saying it uses a runic alphabet, And latin letters. Seriously dude? what the fuck is wrong with you? Im not going to be nice, I can BARELY tell if your a troll or not, Or maybe you should have paid more attention in “French class” You sir need to fact check your entire life.
*you’re
THATS MY BOY!!!
thats my girl
seems legit..
seems legit
hello poodleinacan, I’d like to say that you tried your best and what came out was typical of what you would get from your first time writing a pasta.. but you obviously don’t think it’s that bad… so I’m going to tell you something that has helped me immensely through out life “those who are critics of others before themselves…. WILL BURN IN THE PITS OF HELL FOR ETERNITY!!” at least… I think that’s how it goes.
1\10. I was going give it a 4 star. But then I looked in the comments. And you don’t deserve 4 stars being an asshole. Calling people who are trying to help you dicks.
I don’t understand… He’s tall, bald and wears a hat… What does he actually do apart from asking you to kill your parents? What if I refuse? Is he some paranormal entity or a guy with alopecia and gigantism with a penchant for getting kids to kill people? The poem, as you call it, doesn’t rhyme and makes little sense due to you using a structure intended for another language in an English poem. Gonna go out on a limb and risk a 4/10 because I can see you had some good intentions and ideas, but the execution and detail was poor.
Honestly, I must say that I do not like this poem. I also do not like your attitude. Half of these comments gave constructive criticism, while you are responding to them as if they were trolls. You are being very rude.
I think you could have used more imagery. All we know is he’s tall wears a hat that’s “soft as lead”. Is he fat? Does he have purple eyes? Does he poop glitter? We don’t know. It would make this poem much better if you used more imagery.
Also, don’t bother responding to my comment like you have everyone else, because I can bet that all you’ll say is “Meh, my poem is great, it’s perfect, you troll!” Well we all have news for you: It’s not. Deal with it. Writers are never perfect, nor are all their stories/poems are good.
Yo, I heard there was a poem about Slenderman and I came running asap. Not the best Slenderman thing I read. I give it 3/10 Slendies.
awesome
well he’s certainly no ODB
but….what? Nooo….I can’t even….I’ve lost the ability to can.
I did it! I can now control the mind of the others!
My plan has worked!
Dear Poodleinacan,
Why must you be so pretentious when responding to the comments?
Instead of trying to snap at the people who ACTUALLY tell you what was wrong with your poem, take their criticism to mind and improve!
You’re just being closed-minded by disagreeing with them.
Everyone has different ideas of a good story, but hey, you should’ve at least been ready for some criticism when you submitted it (and you probably were).
Defending your pasta is understandable, but you could’ve done it with a different approach. And no, I’m not saying you should apologize if your pasta was crappy.
ANYWAYS, this was long. But it was the truth.
Note: This comment seems a little pretentious, which is a bit ironic, but oh well. Happy New Year, everyone!
Did you read every comments?
If you notice, a lot of them are a big “fuck you” that doesn’t give me any help what-so-ever.
A good helping comment would be “I didn’t like [that part], try adding/removing/modifying [that part], because [explaination].”
That, right there, is an exemple of a more complete helping comment. Just saying “that wasn’t very good” isn’t helping.
Y’know, some people did that exact thing. But what did you do? You fucking snapped at them. And you wonder why people have been giving you shit.
… But some comments were helpful.
I’ve never seen someone so defensive of their shitty pasta. I believe you have replied to nine tenths of the comments with something stupid to say. You’re embarrassing yourself. You look like a total jackass
At least, I’m active.
That’s not a very good argument there, bud.
So is Ebola
Will you marry me?
Aw shucks, I’m blushing!
:)
I think its slenderman
You’re a mile away from the real answer… I might make a pasta that clarifies my character, in a near future… But it’s not Slenderman.
STOP
The only thing more obnoxious than the preventable mistakes in this pasta is your attitude to your critiques. How about, instead of disagreeing with people and getting butt-hurt, you accept that there are problems in your poem (as are common in all poems) and learn from it?
Your response to someone who suggested you go into more depth in your imagery was, “why? So it could be more boring and long?” … If you think of ‘imagery and depth’ as being ‘boring and lengthy’, you should apply for a Crappypasta admin position.
But when people talk about “imagery”, they should specify what parts of the poem they are thinking about.
In my poem, I tried to keep the lines with a similar number of syllables.
And with what I wrote “Why? So it could be more boring and long?”, I didn’t include an apostrophy… That means it’s a question that needed an answer, but it was also a statement of an opinion. And I also thought about “imagery” like “descriptions”, imagery isn’t really descriptions…
And the depth… Well, I was running out of ideas, that would work in rhymes…
And hey, people should be happy I’m present, at least.
I don’t just see the low rating and ditch mu pasta like if nothing happened.
STAHP
And Anonymous- thank you! That’s exactly what I was saying!
You might be better off if you stop trying to defend this against commentators. For all I know, you might be an incredible poet and you just had a bad one. Everyone does. But trying to defend it just makes you look like a dick… Accept that this is a bit crappy. On CreepyPasta, what you think of your work doesn’t make a difference, it’s all about what the others think.
Just try again.
-Nikki
It may not be the best on Creepy Pasta, and not the best I have written (that’s my second pasta. My first didn’t post, my third is waiting for the submission to resume), but it was good enought to not be on Crappy Pasta.
Stop being defensive. I can’t say more.
You’re not making yourself popular.
This Pasta is bad.
Nothing you can do about it.
Nothing I can do about it.
Just accept it.
It’s so much easier.
…
I was gona say something,but I wont… Because if I did, you would just go rampage.
Oh lord I’m just giving a little advice… not angry. But now I’m lol-ing.
“He will now say this soon :
My name is really Grame
and I am fame.
You know, I am the Moon”
I’m sorry, but that made me laugh my ass off.
It makes no sense at all. I love this.
Yea, that made smile a bit, when I made it, also.
And “Grame” really is it’s name… And also his description.
I think he’s trying to describe Lady Gaga.
Grame means anger or sorrow in archaic English.