Grame
| Written by | Poodleinacan |
|---|---|
| Published on Creepypasta.com | November 2012 |
| Length | 283 words · about 1 minute to read |
| Story level | Micro |
| Reader rating | 3.3/10 from 1,189 votes |
| Category | Beings and Entities |
(This is an old poem that kids used to sing, during the middle ages. Its source is still unknown today.)
If you see a great tall man,
don’t worry, he is a friend.
Don’t ask him what is his name,
for he will be your friend.
If you have other good friends,
don’t worry, they wont matter.
You are all that is greater,
not them he shall befriend.
You see him teeter on land,
he never drinks from daddy’s juice.
You see him all to great joyce,
he is so really grand.
Don’t ask about the hat,
that sits on his bald head.
He wont ever tell yath,
why it is as soft as lead.
You see him at the star shine.
You wont at the sky light.
Always you see at night,
but mostly at the moon shine.
Also read: The Sandman
You ask him what his name,
he doesn’t say a yelp.
He ask you for a kind help.
After that, you will get same.
He ask you a small favor.
Kill your mom and so your dad,
but must give me favor.
Never tell about your lad.
If you peace your familly,
you will hear what you waited.
Through his mouth you will rally
words long asked and awaited.
He will now say this soon :
My name is really Grame
and I am fame.
You know, I am the Moon.
He will say he needs you,
for he is not so done.
You need to stop none,
he is not finished with you.
Credit: Poodleinacan
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cool
I’ll be honest…this is the comments section and that’s what this is for. Honest criticism.
It showed promise and potential, I would say. The problems have pretty much all been stated. The imagery people are asking for do not simply call for blood and guts. In poems, people want to feel things: fear, relation, sadness, anything. I recommend that yiu look into this again later. The rhyming DOES seem very choppy, but if that’s how you do it, more power to you. Just be prepared for more criticisms.
But honestly, I think my biggest problem is your attitude. Your audience is why you’re writing and submitting. If they don’t like it, that’s not their problem- it’s yours. Calling your audience dicks and the like is unacceptable to me. If you’re going to continue to write and submit, I suggest you get a little more used to criticism.
Now, I ask you: what insult do you have for me when I’m just trying to help you for the future?
Why would I call you names?
I only called one person a dick, and that was because he was being egoistic.
You, on the other hand, like some other people who commented on my pasta, made a reasonable critique.
You didn’t write things that are useless to me, for if I want to rework my pasta.
Yea, some of the rhymes in the begining aren’t perfect, and the rhymes in my pasta are simple rhymes… But between english and french words, there are a lot of differences…
If I use this (made up by me) :
“La lune se couche dans la sombre horizon,
Sans laissant voir l’ombre de sa trahison.”
In english, if I translate it (litteral translation/adaptation by me, not Google translate), it goes like so :
“The moon sets in the dark horizon,
Showing glimps of a shadow of it’s treason”
So, yea, since I don’t know less common english words, I have to make some up in my and see if they exist (like for the word “grame”). And since I find that most english words are shorter than their french counterparts, it’s pretty limitating for me…
The imagery… Well, I did thought of putting some more description, but I realised that it would just have made the poeme chopier…
And for the actual imagery, I couldn’t find much to include.
Egoistic? I didn’t reference myself or my own writing ability at all. Do you even know what egoistic means? Me saying, “you’re an ass” is, while possibly mean, not egotistical at all.
And I personally consider “Stop being an ass” NOT to be useless advice at all. Learn from it.
I said that you were being egoistic, because you acknowledged the trolls, but still decided to one-star, because you hate poem/songpastas.
Yes, that’s why I said that.
Is ‘egoistic’ even a word? :P I always thought it was ‘egotistic’?
Both are correct.
Hurr, I see.
I think he gave it a 1 because he didn’t like your poem more than because he doesnt like poems in general.
ily
This was so bad a black hole would just spit it out instead of sucking it in.
Where’s the relevance to the era mentioned?
Where’s the poetic structure?
Certain sentences don’t even make sense, despite looking from all angles the intention within.
This just reads more like a hastily translated children’s bedtime poems from English to Crapglish.
And from where do you get your peom basis?
And what are the sentences you don’t understand?
Because they all make sense to me.
God fucking iPod touch!
Giving me typos, and it’s a pain looking for errors in the comments…
ok, poodleinacan,
Stop trying to refute people’s arguments. They have legitimate problems with the pasta. Some of them are just internet trolls making fun of you, some are giving constructive criticism.
Stop trying to tell them all that they’re wrong and you’re right, rather you should just listen to them and do better next time.
I gave this 1/10 pumpkins because I thought it was terrible. I’m starting to wish I could take away more because the author is being such an ass in the comments.
Stop.
Wow, you’re a real dick, you know that.
I’m am only being a gentleman to those that are being gentleman in their comments.
I “refute”, to explain things.
You should have just gave me more than 1 pumpkin, if you acknowledged the presence of trolls.
Look, I can “constructive criticism” too, you know… And I just critiqued you.
By the way, I don’t see you writing pastas… Why do you put down my explainations, when you don’t even seem to have written any pastas!
… And if you do, I think I’ll just rate your pasta 1 pumpkin, because you are trying to clarify things in the comments. I’ll insult you, for that.
I should give you a better score, because there are Internet trolls?
I’m not following why. I gave it a 1 because I hate poem/song pastas, and this one was especially bad.
There’s a big difference between “clarifying” and “getting super defensive”
Take “But with more imagery would made the kysterious man not mysterious, and put some generic bloody murder gore scene.
Plus, it would have it made the poem unnessecary longer, and people would have been like “Arg! Too long! I can’t understand! This sucks! I can’t understand it! This sucks!”
Yes… Seeing how people are reacting towards hard to understand things… People would hae hated it more.”
That’s not an explanation, that’s just insulting your audience in order to have THEM be wrong and YOUR POEM be perfect.
It’s not. They’re not. They also aren’t “ten-year-olds who only want gore”
Stop insulting them. Stop insulting me.
And lol @the threat to 1 star my theoretical pasta because of your personal grudges. Seriously?
If you don’t like poems, then don’t rate.
I could say “Meh, I hate theoretical things. Low score for that pasta, it is!”
And I never said that my poem was the absolute perfection.
Dude…take a fucking chill pill and stop freaking out on everyone. Jesus fuck.
He doesn’t know what a theoretical pasta is. Many ha’s.
Ah, the pleasure I feel in reading this poem. It is satisfying to learn that my master’s servants can become so feared as to be ingrained in a nursery rhyme. But Grame isn’t as tall as you think, just very thin.
It’s not a nursery rhyme… That’s why I never specified it.
…But I don’t get your last part…
I never said Grame is thin… Just tall… It’s not Slenderman… Far from that.
The one person here who embraced your concept and wanted to build onto it, and you alienated them. Congratulations. :P
And this is the problem with not including imagery. I’m all for keeping things mysterious, but if you’re going to leave details out, you can’t complain when the readers make up their own.
Also, your English is not quite as good as you think it is. It’s understandable, but a little awkward at times. You might want to just try having somebody who natively speaks it read your work before you submit it from now on.
“alienated”?
I just didn’t understoodthe sudden subject “change” to making an imagery (which made the character seem awefully like the Slenderman) about being “very thing”… “Squeletal”would have been a better word than “thin”.
Yea, I’m trying to proof-read (I have 3 other pastas, which there’s one that I know needs major refinement,and my lastest one which also needs refinement).
But yea, my style really is on the mysterious side, without saying “it”,”the monster” and not having anything to define, but the minimum. The imaginationof the reader can interprete the rest… Even if they don’t like it, because they want to know how the subject look like in details.
That’s just it. You don’t have much imagery in the first place. People don’t know if he/she/it is skinny, fat, hideous, or anything. It could fly for all we know.
You might want to stick to writing in your native language, your English skills are not quite on the level that you can be writing poetry or prose. I don’t intend to be mean about it, it’s just you seem to lack a firm enough understanding as to what makes something in English coherent.
I know enought english.
I just never learned the english poem style.
If you do not know English poetry, then don’t defend your poem as being fine. Be humble, learn the style, and resubmit. Your poem made me think of a hobo who sucks dick.
he knows enought guys let him be XD
You spelt enough wrong you dumb-ass.
And you talk about english
Utterly horrible to read and comprehend. Maybe try again with actual Old English or stick to not writing.
… Use old english, you say?
… Maybe I should use written old english.
… IT’S NOT GONA BE UNDERSTANDABLE IN OLD ENGLISH.
Old english isn’t about those “thee”, “doust” and stuff like that…
For once you have a legit point Poodleinacan. Old English is a whole nother language.
Because you would know. I understand Shakespeare better than I can understand your English.
Oh, no. He put an N before “other”. It’s friggin’ impossible to understand now.
That’s not what I was referring to, jackass. Have you been reading his responses? Read up on your shit before you make a smartass remark.
Was talking about your response to Someone, not Poodle. So there.
What do you prefer to be written with, in old english?
Runic alphabet, or latin alphabet (with words that barely ressembles the current english words (with some exceptions).
You meant medium english (or something like that), but even then, it would be hard to understand.
Your English already hit rock bottom. This poem literally cant get any less understandable than it already is.
Old English wasn’t ever written in the Runic alphabet.
Middle English is actually very easy to understand, poodleinacan (at least for me), but it involves a level of modern English vocabulary and awareness of etymology you clearly don’t have.
I think I honestly hate you and your ego. This is like mothras fuzzy balls went ‘ oh let me waste all of your time for an orgy of suck” I really hate how if this were a poem, it should rhyme all the way through. I get you may have wanted a free verse but still. FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUuuUUuuUuuuuuuucCCCCKKKKKKKKK. YYYyyYyyYyoooooUUUUU
Me and my ego?
… Did I say anywhere that I was an “artist”?
… And…
Go fuck yourself.
You gotta buy him lunch first wannabe Shakespeare
I like the idea of a song.
c:
NOTHING TO DO HERE! (jetpacks away)
No but seriously, maybe you should try this again, but as something besides a poem
I think everyone is being a bit harsh on poodleinacan! It doesn’t feel good to have a low rated pasta!
Thanks.
Yes.
I only made my pasta as a poem, because I didn’t felt like there would have been much content, as a story.
And unlike many people on the site, this is my “first” submition (well, It’s my second one… My first story didn’t made it, because double posted it, to fix some errors.) and it got on CreepyPasta.
… The sad thing thing is that there are a lot of 10 year olds, on the site…
This would have been better with more imagery. I think it showed promise, but it wasn’t executed properly.
But with more imagery would made the kysterious man not mysterious, and put some generic bloody murder gore scene.
Plus, it would have it made the poem unnessecary longer, and people would have been like “Arg! Too long! I can’t understand! This sucks! I can’t understand it! This sucks!”
Yes… Seeing how people are reacting towards hard to understand things… People would hae hated it more.
But thanks, for the appreciation of the idea.
Originality makes this good, you say? Poorly written and difficult to understand poems as creepy pasta all the rage, you say? Let me try.
Crap in a can
(A creepy haiku by Candlejackass)
This pasta sucks ass
I’d rather eat dried dog turds
Than read this nonsense
That isn’t hard enough to understand. How about:
Little kids would crouch on ground,
Where his poem fell out from their butt cheeks.
Lone man from tree come over to poem,
Wife leaves man when he went home.
Five fingers went up his nose,
Only three came out.
I…what?
No rhyme,
No dime.
Technically, poems do not need to rhyme.
Now, as for your poem, it was very creative but as people are saying it does not flow from one point to another as fluidly as it should. You should try to tie the stanzas into one another.
As for you saying that you will not ever write about an unoriginal character, you could simply change the character into something that fits your story, poem, or etc.
Now as for all the haters, just ignore them.
To all the haters, quit bugging the dude, at least they had the balls to post something at all, there are many people who write things that are very good but never post them because they do not want to have their hard work ridiculed.
Thank you.
if this was from the middle ages, they would be ashamed.
At first I thought it was about Slenderman and then when I get to the end, I find out this was just some super generic story.Plus, I don’t understand why the author said that this was a middle age poem. The words didn’t give me a reason to think it was remotely aged. If this was a song sung by children, then it must have been hard to learn. The poem barely rhymed and the content hardly memorable.
Mark my words.
I will never make a pasta about Slenderman, Jeff the Killer or anything that has already been written about.
I said the poem was from the middle ages, to add a “specific” timeline…
But earlier you said there was no specific timeline.
Make up your fucking mind.
The language in this poem was a far cry from how people spoke in the Middle Ages. Also, Poodle, just because something is original does not make it good. I felt nothing at all reading this, so as a poem, it failed at its purpose.
I know that even if something is original, it doesn’t mean that it’s good.
… But some people might think that because the character is a tall man, that it’s Slenderman… Which isn’t the case.
I mean, which is more intimidating : a small man, a normal sized man, or a tall man?
… Was I supposed to write how people wrote, in the middle ages?
Writing “V” instead of “U”?
Don’t yov vnderstand that the poem would have been vnderstandable, if I wrote how people vsed to speak?
I gvess not.
If I use your reason of “writing how people used to speak in the middle ages” and use it for everyday writing in french… My phrases wovld be riddled with apostrophies.
And if I had written in spoken middle english, no one would have understood the pasta.
Ya okay want me to get a ladder for that point thats went over your head?
HAHA wow nobody liked this at all. I thought the weird grammar and words (yath?! Nice!) made it really interesting. Structurally it was weird too, but I think that adds to its discordant quality… I mean, it’s not about the splendor of light through trees, or the joy of seeing a small animal or whatever poetic fluffy stuff is out there… It’s about a folklore-like boogeyman. If he didn’t mention that it was an old poem it would have been less fitting but as it is, I think this was really interesting to read, and nowhere near deserving of it’s score. Poetry is art just the same as painting, and neither one have to follow conventions. Ever read E.E. Cummings?
Thanks for your appreciation.
No,I never heard of E. E. Cummings.
I’m french canadian… So, in my french class, we never learned about poets that wrote in other language than french…
But yea, in my poem pasta, I used simple (yet, maybe not perfect) french poem structures that I learned over the pasta years.
The word “yath” doesn’t exist (yea… It’s a thing we can do, in french poems. We can make up words). Since “you” or “ya” would not have work for the rhyme, I just added “th”, so that it felt, “old” (with words that aren’t used anymore)… And some rhymes (in the start) may not sound like rhyming, but if we know that people didn’t said words the same way, through out the ages, it can actually pass…
… There are a lot of 10 year olds, who want to read gore and stuff, that are roaming on the site…
You, my Francophone friend, are simply an embarrassment to our shared nationality. Seriously. Stop, and rethink your life. Or move. I don’t mean to be cruel, but honestly, writing is NOT YOUR STRONG POINT. Take up… crochet?
Poop in a can! Poop I say!
Pathetic.
Im sorry, but this was really bad.
lol wut
that’s some rough rhyming…hard to understand.
It’s not simply a matter of creativity, plot matters to all pastas, even poems. Yea, I get it, some tall guy in a hat taking on a child apprentice to wreak havoc on the free world; that’s not really the most creative plot in the universe. Also, with poems, since plot is secondary, imagery needs to be your biggest concern. Sadly there was little to none, that coupled with the simplistic rhymes a thesaurus could’ve easily solved (some rhymes not making much sense either) and a done-to-death ABAB ABBA rhyming structure (that fell flat at several instances), this poem format fell apart quickly. Sorry poodle, not a fan.
Thanks for that relevent comment.
For the rhyming structure, I don’t about the english poems, but poems basically look like that (simplistic rhymes… And they can be coupled to non-existing words and stuff… And message behind the poem can be pretty non-explicit.
I mean, I could have made a poem that talks about fishes, but it’s significance would be about murders. (how would that be creepy?)
My entry isn’t “boasting poetic prowess” kinda crap… It was just me wanting wanting to making that looked insignifiant, into a poem, so that it could get a different feel.
And the reason why I barely included a description is that the character shouldn’t be recognisable… So that people wouldn’t be able to spot who’s the man in question.
It’s ok if you’re not a fan. I don’t blame you.
But I thank for making an honnest critique, and being all like “Me no understand, me hate! Me no like!” kinda thing… Because a lot of 10 years old seem to roam on the site…
I saw I missed some words…
“For the rhyming structure, I don’t about the english poems, but poems basically look like that ”
I mean:
“For the rhyming structure, I don’t really know about the english poems, but the french poems basically look like that “
the poem doesn’t really flow. Try rewriting it though, the idea is good.
I admit. I am really late to comment here, but I think the poem was great. Maybe a little more detail and proper old English, and this may get a higher ranks.
No offense, but Old McDonald could write a better Pasta than this.
IQ dropped by like 30 points from reading this
“My entry isn’t “boasting poetic prowess” kinda crap… It was just me wanting wanting to making that looked insignifiant, into a poem, so that it could get a different feel.”
I can’t even figure out what this means. I tried but…I have no idea.
There are many good writers on here, and some amazing pastas. This…is not one. Poetry isn’t easy, though, and I know you must have put a lot of effort into this. Even just as a learning experience, there is value in that.
I’d suggest that you get more feedback from others before submitting. For flow, especially in poetry, having someone unfamiliar with the work read it to you aloud will really help.
You said you had more pastas? Have they been published here? Most people do genuinely try and provide helpful feedback. I know writing is personal and therefore it feels like a personal attack, but there is useful criticism in there as well.
I wasn’t aware the French had a different poem structure… that’s probably a medium they should stay away from.
Anyway as a poet enthusiast and ameture poet, I find the only excuse to make up words for the sake of rhyming is if you’re Dr. Suess (cheater), otherwise I’d suggest getting an English thesaurus, a poet’s best friend. Also stick to a native English rhyming scheme, since most, if not all, of this site’s retinue is from… English people (also that French structure makes no sense).
Well, the rhyme style I used may not have been the same during all of the pasta, but there’s no rule that says that it must be.
Though, I’m bilingual, I don’t really know much less used english words.
And words in english and french are really the same, so there can also be some more restrictions…
And I just found out that the type of rhyme I used is considered unacceptable in english… While in french, it’s acceptable (but it’s a poor rhyme (only 1 similarly sounding syllable)
You can’t be bilingual. You sure as hell don’t speak English.
I just noticed that people might probably missinterprete “daddy’s juice” for his sperm…. It’s not that… Far from that…. It’s booze.
And it’s all about context.
Yea, that’s not at all what we were thinking when we read this. Also, the rhyming scheme you used where the first line rhymes with the last line is not and should not be a real technique. And it seems you made up fake words for the sake of rhyming.
Misinterpret Daddys juice for sperm? lol this didnt even cross my mind until i read this comment.
now i can’t stop laughing.
And because I am an honest guy, I will resist the urge to 10 star my pasta.
Not many people do that, eh!
You can’t possibly consider thinking of giving (even though you didn’t) this 10 pumpkins. You can’t. This had a weak plot. There was next to no imagery, the rhyming scheme was off, and worst of all it was vague. But… I’ll give you 3/10 pumpkins because you showed some effort :D if you worked on the plot and imagery more it would have been amazing
Shure… Like if I would of had descrobed the musterious man…
No! My point was people know exactly how h looks. The point is about not know how he excatly looks.
And he plot… What do you want? A poem twice as long and even harder to understand?
we didnt dislike this because of the lack of description on the man, we dislike this because it was completely unclear,as well as not remotely startling…so please, stop being narcissistic, and accept that this is not the best creepypasta in the world -_-
Yes
I love you.
Your grasp of the English language, as shown in these comments, is not the best. It does not matter if you have ten pastas that blow our minds, makes us rethink life, and crap ourselves by the sheer prowess of them.
The current pasta is bland, undercooked, and not written in a way that makes any sense. Instead of arguing and making us out to be the bad guys, take the criticism, rewrite it, and ask the admin to repost it. You are allowed to edit it as many times as you like.
~_-
… How can people hate this, if it’s not een ripping off another pasta?
It’s creative.
I mean, if you don’t like it, at least say why you don’t like it… That would be very helpful.
Hey man, we get it. You put work into this, and you’re not getting the feedback you’re looking for. This doesn’t mean you should never write again. No, you should just look at what you did wrong in this story and improve when you write again. Here, the things I didn’t like were… 1. The poem didn’t rhyme or flow very well. 2. I’m glad you based it in the middle ages… But man, Old English, or just English that’s old is alot different from this. I encourage you to move on from this and keep writing. Anyway, ignore the trolls and merry Christmas!
When I said “creative”, I meant that it’s not copying any pasta, by using an already man character…
I have 3 pastas that are waiting to be uploaded. 1 may need some tweeks, the other do need some tweeks, and the last (well, it was my first pasta… But I double-posted, and it didn’t made it no-where) really needs some tweeking.
Old english… It would have been lime a different language (refer to Beowulf), middle english would have been hard to understand, but fits the middle age era… Modern english was the only choice I saw.
Yes, I keep writing… I just need a simple idea, and I will make a fourth story… But I can that idea myself.
Yes… There are so many trolls!
I was looking civilized feedbacks… But only ones I got can be counted with fingers of my hand (not hands).
And merry christmass to you too.
( I’m the anon from above ) Well bro you could have cleared it up for us in the first sentence a little by writing ” Translated from Old English/German/whatever” Would’ve helped a bit. And keep writing… Just not poems. Think for a minute, have you ever read a Creepy poem on this site?
I’drather not want toreadalot of pastas, onCreepyPasta… I don’twant tobelike”Hmmm, that soundsgood. Itwouldn’thurtifI includeitinmyPasta.”I don’twant mypastastobeinspiredfromother pastas. But don’tworry, myother 3pastasaremuchbetter.
Seriously…please go back to school. Or take an English 101 course. Because your English is shit.
I dont like it because the poem is not good. it uses modern language and rhymes stupidly. You just named him Grame because it rhymes with fame. Dude, its obvious why we dont like it. 1/10
What the hell was that?
I think if you said victorian era it would be more real.
Sorry, but the Victorian era is something alse…
And I also found it a bit over used… (probably because of steampunk things…)
Ok Poodleinacan, you are officially getting Burned to the point of where it’s becoming Road Rash.
Crap.
“Mom”? In the Middle Ages? Come on.
Did I say the year?
No.
I only said “in the middle ages”… Which means it could be just before the renaissance.
This etymology website gives the first recorded use of “mom” as 1867:
http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=mother
Whereas the Middle Ages ended prior to 1500.
As another poster said, the description would have worked better if you had said it was Victorian era.
But more generally, it would have been useful to check children’s rhymes from whatever era you were aiming for, and adopt similar language. Not just word choice, but also word order. For example “not them he shall befriend” would be better as “not them shall he befriend”.
1867?
Damn! That’s during the western things.
… But if we compare nursery rhymes (which, you no one already knew, are mostly all based on horrible things… Burnings, hangings, tortures, black plague,… So, they are already creepy (but they don’t sound creepy… Which, if I try to make a nursery rhyme, people would say it’s crap and not scary, while it could be based on an horrible event)).
the fuck? was that supposed to make sense?
I’d have to agree here. The language you use is nothing like what was spoken in the middle ages and his a great detriment to the pasta. If you stuck to a “modernized translation” it would work much better. Like Tardigrade said, you mix language and grammar from multiple eras.
“Mom” in the renaissance? Come on.
Renaissance? (facedesk)
Well you could have at least written it in the form of “Mum.”
WOW…just WOW. How did this not make it onto crappypasta?
I was about to ask the same thing xD
So was I.
It’s okay, but it doesn’t ‘flow’ like other poems. Also your rhyming scheme keeps shifting and it’s hard to understand the gist of what’s happening.
Thanks for honest and not a douche about my pasta.
(Though I don’t mind critique, you didn’t made a comment that gives me no clue on how I could improve.)
I appreciate.
I stopped reading as soon as you put the word yath in there.
Because you’re an uneducated fuck, that’s why.
Yath is not a real word
yath. A word used to describe sexual magnetism.
(Urban dictionary)
Is English your first language?
Very Gracious
I think you gave me cancer.
Quite possibly the best creepypasta I have ever read.
I especially liked the parts in the poem that didn’t rhyme nor make any sense at all.
A truely masterful work that surpasses anything else ever posted to this site.
You’re making me blush.
lol
Sarcasm, bro. Learn it.
I think you need to learn it, too.
Its terrible.
Wait, what? Then why is it in the “Lowest Rated Pasta” category?
Czarcasm?