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Dark Comedy, Humor, and Parodies

at the salmon cowboy a found letter

At the Salmon Cowboy: A Found Letter

I fear that by the time you read this . . . it will be too late. Forgive me, Vanessa. I am so sorry. As you are reading this, your fiancé is lost—caught in an act of obsessive compulsion that I, too, have fallen into. There was no malice in …

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gravedigging can be a pain

Gravedigging can be a Pain

Being a live-in caretaker or gravedigger as the cool kids typically term it, for a historic cemetery that has been a part of our community since colonial times isn’t all glitz and glamour. Every so often it can be a genuine pain in the neck; well more like the lower …

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Certainty

CERTAINTY

The say the only certainty in life is death and taxes. Well, I probably know better than most. You see, I had a run in with the dread angel. Am I alive, you ask? You may be querying, ‘Has this person’s words been transcribed by a medium?’ Well, to tell …

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I Made a Computer Program To Predict the Apocalypse It's Not What You Think.

I Made a Computer Program To Predict the Apocalypse; It’s Not What You Think.

It began as a lark, really. I woke up one morning from a dream about the apocalypse. No, not a wild west apocalypse. Exactly how the world was ending wasn’t clear, I just knew that it was, and so I enrolled in the autoshop class at my local tech education …

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age is just a number

Age Is Just A Number

I was born on January 13th 1989 at six past seven pm. Why? Why that day? Why that hour of the night? Had I been born earlier or later, what differences would it all have made? Would it have made my parents happier? Would it have prevented their ineluctable separation? …

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para hunt episode 101

Para-Hunt: Episode 101

CREEPYFACE: Is it ready? 3… 2… 1… Welcome back, Creepers! It’s your demon host, CREEPYFACE, and this is Episode 101 of Para-Hunt! Me and the Crypters are coming at you live from Backwoods, Louisiana! Tonight, we have ourselves a lovely trio of Hunters planning to check out a local cemetery. …

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expires october 31st

Expires October 31st

It was October 26th, and I was at the supermarket grabbing a few things I would need for Halloween, before it closed. Specifically candy to hand out to the kids in my neighborhood. While I was there, I picked up a few other things that I needed, as well. I …

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hel ward 54

Hel Ward 54

When James and Linda Scott welcomed the arrival of their first daughter Ella Marie. Nothing seemed to be better. The pregnancy was a text book scenario. Nine months of classes, preparing a room and eagerness for her to arrive all seemed to go swimmingly. Linda was wonderful and the birth …

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that is not the fire alarm

That is Not the Fire Alarm

Congratulations on your admission to Oak and Ash Academy, one of the most exclusive private academies in North America. You are part of the largest incoming class since our founding in 1763. Although this is a unique opportunity—consider that in any ordinary year, three out of four of you would …

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Tales From Port-land

I found something I shouldn’t have, or maybe I should, I don’t know. I was helping my parents move out of their old house and into mine. Their house was about ten miles from the nearest town and even farther from a hospital. This scared me ever since the doctors …

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He’s Killing Up There

Part 1 “So I’m in the cosmetics aisle, right? And I’m standing there reading this bottle of lotion. ‘Not tested on animals,’ it says. And I’m thinking: Really? Like, who the hell is rubbing lotion on animals? Anyone?” A modest amount of laughter from the audience. About as much as …

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Tales From the Gas Station

PART ONE At the edge of our town, there’s a shitty gas station that’s open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. If you were to go inside, you’d see row after row of off-brand chips, cookies, potted meats and ramen. Expiration dates suspiciously missing from canned goods like …

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The Zombie Pitch

So, what’s it like to be a zombie? I’ll save you the effort of asking because we both know that’s what you’re thinking… right? Or, more to the point, what the best part of being a zombie? Well I’ll tell you one thing: it’s not the loss of dexterity. I’ve …

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