The Emporium

Monday:
This was supposed to be my one day off. But, when you have a skeleton crew and someone doesn’t show up, you get called to come in. Not by the manager or a coworker, you sort of just… know. I can’t explain it- like a lot of things around here. But somehow, you find yourself driving to work and clocking in. So, here I am. Beginning what will be a seven-day stretch.

I work at a small grocery store called The Emporium, located smack dab in the middle of town. Being centrally located, we see it all; the good, the bad, and everything in between. If you work retail in any capacity yourself, you’ll understand when I say- you experience the full spectrum of humanity here.

The word ’emporium’ itself, belongs to a dead language. And, they do say that Latin is often used in things like magic and witchcraft. But, I don’t know if that means anything. It’d make sense, though… I just honestly try not to question things around here too much. Doesn’t do a lot of good. Most of the time, anyway.

I mainly stock shelves. But I can, and often do, pretty much everything around here. A lot of us have to be cross-trained, just because of the high turnover rate. As soon as we hire a new cashier, they quit. Sometimes, they don’t even show up for the first shift after the interview. Lucky them, I guess.

Tonight, I’m closing with Paul. He’s a pretty chill guy, most of the time. Long-timer, like me. He does have a few quirks, but… I’m used to it. Everyone here does. Shit, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit weird, too. You have to be to work here.

One of Paul’s little quirks was his regularly scheduled ‘freak-outs’. Usually, right before it was time for him to have a smoke, a customer would ask Paul a question, and he’d lose it. Could be as simple as ‘Which aisle is the bread on?’. Didn’t matter. Sure as shit, Paul came slamming through the warehouse doors, dragging a body behind him.

“God dammit, Paul! I just clocked in!” I yelled at him.

“Hey man, don’t fucking worry about it, alright? I got it.” He said.

“Whatever,” I replied. “Just make sure you shrink-wrap it good enough this time. The bailer still fucking stinks.”

I grabbed a mop and bucket and went out onto the sales floor to see if there were any ‘spills’ needing to be taken care of. Space Goth was shopping. We don’t know her real name, so that’s what we call her. Don’t ask. She was wearing fuzzy, leopard print earmuffs this time, and singing ‘Jingle Bells’ off-key at the top of her lungs. It’s the middle of June. But, I only had to ask her to pull her pants back up just once tonight. So, that’s progress.

Thankfully, Paul had been careful to not make a mess this time, so I rolled the mop bucket back to the janitor closet and started loading my cart with backstock to fill. I’d counted out five cases of water that I needed for the shelf and loaded them up, but when I looked back at my cart, they’d turned into cases of toilet paper. I could already tell it was going to be a long night.

At about 6:30 PM, The Hum started. It usually comes through on the intercom system around that time, but no one can hear it, except me. Drives me fucking nuts, so I take it as my cue to go on break. That’s what I’m doing right now, as I write this on my phone. I forgot to bring dinner, and you can’t exactly eat anything from here, so I honestly don’t have anything better to do.

At least when you work the night shift, one thing you don’t have to deal with is The Earlybirds. You know the type. They show up about an hour before the store even opens. A whole fucking crowd of ’em, desperately clawing at the doors, faces smashed up against the glass, just begging to be the first ones let in. That’s why you cannot go outside before we open. But, once 8:00 rolls around, you’re safe. Fuckers just up and disappear as soon as the damn door unlocks.

The only cashier on duty tonight is Tilly. Which means, I know I’m gonna be called up there to help out at some point. Tilly is slow as shit, but she can’t really help it. She’s super old, and it takes her forever to get through a sale because she’s too worried about picking up all the rotting pieces of flesh that keep falling off of her. I keep telling her to just pick them all up at the end of the night, but she insists on keeping her register tidy, she says.

Lenny just walked into the break room, humming some obscure hymn and holding his can of sardines. I don’t even know why I bother coming in here, can’t get a moment’s worth of peace. Lenny is supposed to be in charge of cleaning and maintenance, but he does more of making a mess around here than anything else. The man is always dripping. It’s like this thick, black, fish-smelling goop that the fucker seems to sweat out constantly.

“Tom, you’re needed to the registers.” I hear blaring from the intercom speakers.

Here we go. At least it gives me an excuse to get up and leave without seeming rude. Not that Lenny even has the capacity for that level of social awareness.

Tilly is swamped. Eight customers in her line, and she’s literally falling apart. I hop on register 2 and clear them all out within 15 minutes. When I look over, Tilly’s gone outside for a smoke. I swear, sometimes I think she’s tearing extra pieces of her flesh off on purpose, just to get out of working.

I finished all the stocking I needed to do by the time 9:00 PM arrived. Took me three tries, but the water had been filled. I walked over to the time clock and punched my number in, only to be faced with the harsh words of,

Employee #0164 is not currently clocked in. Would you like to clock in now?

Tuesday:
I woke up early today, even though I didn’t have to. My shift didn’t start until 2:00 PM, but I wanted to enjoy whatever moments of freedom I had before coming back to this place. I tell you, The Emporium will drain the life right outta you if you let it.

But, I’m here now. Definitely clocked in this time, too. No one believes me when I tell them, that time clock is a fucking thief. It’s been deleting hours off of my time lately, and sometimes it takes the whole damn shift. Guess I’m the only one it does that to, of course. Bastard.

Chris is here working with me tonight. He’s a fairly normal guy I’d say, except the motherfucker does have more fingers than usual. A whole extra hand, in fact, and it’s not where you’d expect it to be. Always gets him in trouble.

The Turd Slug is back again. It’s fucking disgusting, but we can’t really do anything about it. The more we chase it around, the more shit it smears everywhere. And Lenny does a God-awful job of cleaning it up, of course. So, it’s honestly better to just pretend like you don’t even see it, so it doesn’t try to run away from you.

Other than that, it’s been a pretty slow night… so far. I didn’t have a lot of backstock to do, so I decided to go and try to clean up The Spill That Never Dries. I know it’s a waste of time, but tonight, that’s my goal. I call it, ‘do nothing Tuesdays’, because, usually it’s my first day back. But, since I didn’t get my day off yesterday, I’ll have to work extra hard to do more nothing than usual tonight.

I go to the janitor’s closet and, of course, Lenny’s in there, dripping. I hate it when he stands in my way, it’s really hard to get all the drippings off the bottom of my shoes. I grab the mop and bucket and head over to aisle 13.

When I get there, Blind Richard is flailing around on the ground, covered in green slime and holding onto a box of saltines. Must’ve slipped on The Spill. Shit… Now I have to fill out a God damned accident report. And, that motherfucker is not blind either, he’s faking it. I just know.

When I bent over to help him up, I suddenly felt a finger slide into a place I was not expecting.

“God damnit! Chris!!”

“Oh Jeez, I’m sorry man! I was just trying to help.”

“Just, back up… I got it. Why don’t you go and grab an accident form from the office.” I said, trying not to lose my cool.

“Okay!” He said. “Where’s the office?”

Chris has worked here for at least 5 years, and he’s been in that office many, many times. I explain to him again how to get there, then go back to trying to help Blind Richard. Only, he’s gone. That shithead had gotten up and walked away, smearing The Spill all over the place with his stick.

I decided to give up on The Spill and head back to the warehouse. Maybe I’ll just hide out there until I hear The Hum. Adam is the one running the register tonight. Thank God. That means I won’t have to go up there and help… unless he has one of his ‘episodes.’

Every so often, Adam gets these little fits where it’s like something suddenly comes over him. His eyes turn black, his head spins around, and he starts projectile vomiting all over the customers. I think the fucker needs to be on medicine or something. But, he doesn’t think anything’s wrong with him, because he never remembers it happening. Real convenient if you ask me.

When I walk through the warehouse doors, I can already smell it. The Fart Cloud. It must be somewhere around back here. I know it isn’t the Turd Slug because I just saw the little shit over by the milk and it’s not that fast. The Fart Cloud never dissipates, it just moves. You pretty much never know where it’s going to be until you crop dust yourself with it.

I forgot to bring my jacket with me tonight, so I’m freezing my ass off. It’s always so fucking cold in here. I used to go around setting all the thermostats to 72, but it seemed like someone kept going behind me and turning them down to 65, so I don’t even bother with it anymore. At least I remembered to bring my food.

The Hum began, and I was just starting to make my way to the break room when I noticed Yogurt Lady over by the coolers. She hadn’t started slathering herself yet, but I knew she’d still growl if she saw me. I didn’t feel like being attacked tonight, so I turned around. Guess I’m not eating.

I spent the rest of my shift trying to fill the cans of soup that kept changing into mice every time I put them on the shelf. I didn’t even try to catch any of them. Maybe they’ll eat the Turd Slug.

At a quarter to 9, Chris comes running up to me holding a piece of paper.

“I got it!” He said, excitedly.

I’d forgotten I even sent him on that mission.

“Thanks, Chris. Now go put it back in the office.”

“Okay! Where’s the office?”

I head up to the front of the store, and apparently, Adam had an episode that no one alerted me to. The openers will be pissed, but I don’t care. I am not cleaning up all this. Besides, they’ll blame it on Lenny.

As I approach the time clock, eager to get home and be done with this night, I hear a squish. I lift my foot, and it’s the fucking Turd Slug, feasting on a half-eaten mouse. I kick it across the floor and punch my numbers in. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday:
Wednesday is one of my least favorite days of the week. It’s the day our manager Gerold comes in to check on us all. He’s supposed to be here every day, but I don’t think his sleep cycle works that way. He gets here in the morning and stays until close, and he watches us the whole time. Seriously, the man doesn’t fucking blink. Ever.

I made sure to get here on time and begin loading my cart right away. It really pisses me off that Gerold even pretends to care. We all know he’s too worried about fucking Ruby behind our backs. She’s the one in charge of the money around here. Imagine that.

One time, Adam walked in on Gerold and Ruby in the office. When he ran and got me, he told me that they had become ‘one flesh’. Dude wasn’t joking. Their skin had fused together, starting from the hips all the way up to their heads. Took forever to get them apart with just my box cutter. Come to think of it, that’s right around the time Adam’s episodes started. Hmm.

As I chased around the loaves of bread trying to make them stay on my cart, I could feel a pair of eyes on me. I turn around, and Gerold is peeking at me from behind a pallet of paper towels.

“I see you, Gerold,” I said. “I’m trying my best, but they keep running off.”

He leaned his head back and hissed at me as a few cockroaches took their chance to escape from his mouth. I gave him the thumbs up and got back to it. No use in trying to argue with him.

When I finally make it out to the sales floor with my cart, the first customer I encounter is Crazy Mary. She’s got a half-eaten sandwich knotted up in her hair, a tire track across her face, and a raccoon is following her. I swear, whoever keeps saying her name in the mirror three times in a row needs to stop.

“How are you doing tonight, Mary?” I ask.

“Wonderful!” She replied with a huge toothless smile.

“Finding everything you need?” I asked, nervously.

“Oh yes, just found it.”

Fucking great. Now she’s gonna follow me around until I give her some of my pee. Might as well get it over with.

Paul was scheduled to work tonight, but he called in. Thank God too, because I don’t need any extra bullshit to worry about. The dude had a stupid reason, though. Something about being trapped in a time loop and that he couldn’t get out. Shit, aren’t we all.

Emma showed up instead. Must’ve got the call. She’s one of the newer ones here, but she’s catching on quickly. Sweet girl; strange taste in men though. Started dating Chris a week after she was hired… loves the hand. Maybe a little too much. That’s why we can’t schedule them working the same shift alone. Also, I’m not trying to place any blame here, but… I did notice the hand had one less finger on it last night. Do with that what you will.

I get to the front of the store to stock the bread and notice Ruby lingering near the registers. Of course, she’s here too. She looks over at me and tries to wink, but one of her fake eyelashes falls off, along with the eyeball it’s attached to. I pull out my box cutter and show it to her. She flips me off and gets on the intercom.

“Gerold, you’re needed to the office.”

Fucking gross. At least I don’t have to deal with the Turd Slug tonight. It somehow knows when Gerold’s here and stays hidden. And, if I offer to buy Lenny his can of sardines, maybe he’ll separate the ‘one flesh’ for me later. Besides, he’s been looking for a reason to use that new machete.

Emma wants to learn everything she can around here, which is great… but, she can be a little intense sometimes. She watched me fill the bread very closely, even though it’s a fairly intuitive process. I think she was just staring at my fingers though, because at one point, she started to drool. I keep telling her I don’t have any extras to spare, but she says she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Right.

On the way back to the bailer, I passed the Man Who Walks In Circles. I was feeling frisky… so, I looked around to make sure Gerold wasn’t watching, then threw one of my empty boxes in his path, to see if I could make him move this time. He didn’t. Just kept on walking in that circle, eyes fixed on me, smiling maniacally and wearing the box as a shoe.

When I get to the bailer and start throwing my boxes in, I hear an odd thud… then, a scratchy-throated groan. I roll my eyes and lean forward to look inside. It’s Tilly, spooning with the shrink-wrapped corpse from Monday. For Christ’s sake, I didn’t even know she was working tonight. She said she was just ‘having a nap’, and that I was very rude for disturbing her.

I dodged The Fart Cloud on the way out of the warehouse. It’d caught Emma instead; she was gagging while trying to fill her cart with the cases of soda/lobsters. I grab the one crawling near my foot and throw it into the bailer with Tilly and her new boyfriend.

I head over to the break room before The Hum even starts up. I’d packed myself a delicious turkey sandwich today and was starving. Lenny wasn’t in there yet, so I wanted to hurry and scarf down my dinner before he showed up. I pull out my sandwich, take a huge bite, and feel it begin to squirm around in my mouth. I looked down, and my turkey had turned into maggots. Fuck. I spit the bite out onto the floor, and it starts to crawl away. Lenny walks in, steps on it, and then proceeds to tell me how gross I am.

We spent the rest of the night separating the ‘one flesh’. Gerold had told us if we weren’t more careful about it this time, we’d be fired. We didn’t care about losing our jobs, he meant that literally. Emma wanted to help too, of course. But, once again, I’m pretty sure she had ulterior motives… because I noticed by the end of the ordeal, that Ruby was missing the tip of one of her pinkies.

Finally, it was time to clock out. I slapped one of Gerold’s mouth roaches out of my hair, wiped the Lenny goo off of my shoes, and made my way to the front. Tilly stopped me and asked if I could help her carry the body out to her car for her, so I did that first. I come back inside, walk up to the time clock, and get blasted in the face by The Fart Cloud.

Thursday:
Today is the day our truck delivers. We only get an order once a week, so it’s usually a lot. Takes a full crew to get it unloaded and processed, so all of us weekday stockers are required to be here. No exceptions. It gets a little chaotic, but I don’t mind it too much. Makes the time go by faster.

By the time I get here, they’re usually more than halfway through it all. But today, the truck got here late… so looks like I’ll be busy until close. Fine with me, I drank an extra cup of coffee this morning, so I’m ready. It’s strange, I’m actually in a pretty good mood today; almost excited to go to work.

I clock in and join the rest of the crew in the warehouse. The openers are hard at work unloading and sorting all the merchandise. Jaden and Janie are the ones in charge of them all. We call them The Bitch Twins. On any other day, they could give a shit less about what’s going on around here. But on truck day, they’ll bite your head off if you don’t move fast enough.

Luckily, the products start off normal when they come in. They only start acting weird once they’ve been here a couple of hours, so we try to get everything on the shelf as fast as we can. We start with the dairy and frozen items since they need to be stocked first. I’d already noticed Yogurt Lady waiting by the coolers for a fresh batch, so I loaded Emma’s cart up with everything that gets stocked in that area. Good luck to both of them.

I step over Headless Elroy wiggling around on the floor, and grab my cart. This happens to him every Thursday; the old man just can’t keep up the pace, and The Bitch Twins show no mercy. His head usually re-spawns by the end of the night though, so it’s no big deal.

“Move it, Elroy,” I say, kicking his shoulder as I pass. He just starts flailing around even more, so I scoot him over to the side with my foot.

I took the milk, Chris took the eggs, and Paul got stuck with all the freezer items. He was pissed, of course, but I don’t give a shit. The only reason the freezer is so hard to stock is because he’d been using it as a body storage until it got too full. He made that mess, he can fucking deal with it.

Once I finish putting away everything on my cart, I look over to Chris to see if he needs any help with his. He does. He’s covered in egg juice, fighting with his extra hand trying to get the carton away from it. I walk up to him, and ask,

“Need a hand?”

He doesn’t laugh, he just glares at me in defeat. I turn around, bend over, and the hand drops the carton.

“Hey, thanks, man!!” Chris says.

Usually, I’d clean up this mess myself, but I’m just too busy today. I walk past Emma snacking on a yogurt-covered finger, and go over to the wall phone to page Lenny for a clean up. When I put the receiver to my ear, it licks me. Disgusting, I know. But, a phone tongue is better than the last thing it shoved into my ear.

Lenny takes over 10 minutes to show up with the mop and bucket. By then, the floor is covered with raw egg/yogurt soup, and the Turd Slug is lapping it up. I tell Lenny just to stand there and wait till it’s finished. We don’t need any bigger of a mess. Speaking of, I should probably go check on Paul in the freezers. Eh, maybe later.

One of the openers must have been shoved outside before 8:00 because I noticed there’s one less here than usual. Every so often, the openers get together and choose one unfortunate soul amongst them to sacrifice to The Earlybirds. The openers say it keeps them from ever actually coming inside, but I think they’re all just sadistic. Or bored. Thank God they’re all about to leave.

Duffle Bag Man just shuffled in. You’d think he brings that bag in here to shoplift, but it’s the opposite. The bag is full when he comes in here, and empty when he leaves. I have no clue what the fucker is bringing here, but whatever it is, it can’t be good. I’m sure I’ll find out… eventually.

The Hum seems like it’s getting quieter because I can barely hear it tonight. We only have a few carts left to put out, so I leave them to it and head toward the break room with my brown paper bag. I get in there, and Lenny’s dripping all over the sandwich he’s eating. When he sees me, he stops chewing.

“Don’t be mad…” He says.

I already know. I reach into my bag and pull out a handful of sardines.

“God damnit, Lenny!”

I come back from break, and of course, it’s a fucking zoo out there. There’s a herd of goats trying to get the Turd Slug, something pink is oozing from the ceiling, Chris is wrestling with his hand who’s assaulting a customer, Paul is nowhere to be seen, of course, and all the fingers on Headless Elroy’s right hand had been chewed down to nubs. He’s gonna be so pissed when his head re-spawns. Oh, and the fucking carts didn’t get finished.

I chase the goats outside, stick a bucket under the drip, fill out the accident report for Chris’ molested customer, finish stocking the spiders, and then go looking for Paul. I found him in the freezer; he’d tripped over one of the bodies and knocked himself unconscious. Fucking idiot. I drag him out and leave him in the warehouse to thaw out for the night, then throw the rest of the empty boxes in the bailer.

Tilly and Adam were both working tonight, so God knows what kind of biohazard I’m about to walk up to in the front. I pass down aisle 13 on the way. The Spill That Never Dries is growing. It’s eaten the wet floor sign that was next to it; just as I suspected. I put out a new sign, even though it won’t last long, then call it a day.

When I get to the front, I ignore the various smells coming from the register area, then approach the time clock carefully. No Turd Slug, no Fart Cloud… the coast is clear. I punched my number in, and the time clock hadn’t stolen any of my time today. I smile triumphantly and turn around. Paul is standing behind me, shivering and clutching an icicle. He stabs me in the arm with it and tells me I’m a douchebag. I sigh. Maybe I’ll call in tomorrow.

Friday:
I tried to call in sick today, but no one answered the phone. Can’t say I blame them. Oh well, my stab wound doesn’t hurt that bad. And I would’ve had to come in to get my paycheck anyway. If you don’t pick it up in person, they won’t mail it out to you, they just consider it to be an ‘offering’ and keep it.

I don’t even have to wonder what fresh hell I’ll be walking into today. All the worst soul suckers come to shop on Friday; the regulars and the irregulars. And, I don’t even have any backstock to keep me busy, since everything got filled yesterday. So, tonight I’ll be stuck having to do one of the worst jobs in this store; customer service.

When I clock in, Crazy Mary is already approaching me, complaining that the chocolate ice cream she bought here the other day made her raccoon sick. I just hand her my pee cup and keep on walking. Today, I came prepared.

Usually, the first wave of customers I encounter on Fridays are The Zombies. All of the old people in our town start wandering in here, eyes empty and glazed over, mouths gaping with drool spilling out, and they all desperately need something from you. Sometimes, they don’t even come in here to buy anything, they just want to ‘pick your brain’.

Hoping to delay the inevitable, I head on to the back of the store to drop off my things in my locker and put my dinner in the fridge. This time, I wrote ‘TOM’ in big, bold letters on the bag, so Lenny can’t pretend he doesn’t know it’s mine. Not that it’ll stop him from taking it, but it does eliminate his ability to use that excuse.

On the way, I can already hear Space Goth before I see her. She isn’t singing today; instead, she’s wearing one of those belly dancer belts that jingle with every movement she makes. I guess that’s what she was trying to warn us about on Monday. It’s incredibly annoying, but at least now I can avoid her more easily. I don’t feel like arguing with her tonight over which conspiracy theories are real. Maybe if I’m lucky, The Zombies will be drawn to the sound and take whatever brains she has left.

I get to the back, and the first thing I do is check the schedule to see who I’m closing with tonight, hoping it’s not Paul. I’m pretty sure he’s still mad at me for leaving him in the freezer so long yesterday. And besides, the bailer can’t hold the amount of customers I’m expecting to come in tonight. When I look at Friday’s column, I see a name I don’t recognize. Great, looks like I’ll be doing the second-worst job in this store tonight, too. Training.

We don’t get a ton of new hires around here, and the ones we do get never stick around long. It’s a total waste of my time to bother with training them, but I guess I don’t have anything better to do tonight. In fact, this could actually turn out to be a good thing… Maybe I can use the new hire as a human shield against the customers.

I start looking around for the newbie and quickly clock someone who looks out of place. I walk up to him and introduce myself. He tells me it’s his first day, and his name is Dennis. Seems like a normal enough kid, excited to be here and ready to learn. Let’s see how long that lasts.

The first thing I usually do with new hires is show them around the store. Most of the time, that instantly weeds out all the normal ones. Once they see what kind of shit they’re going to be dealing with, they dip out. Not Dennis though. He seems to get more enthusiastic about working here with every new thing I show him. This one’s spirit might take a while to break.

Next, I show Dennis the warehouse and start explaining how to do backstock. Even though there’s nothing to fill tonight, I go through the motions of showing him where the carts are and explaining how to get the products to stay on them. I demonstrate with a few cases of potato chips, thinking the dude is going to freak out when he sees what happens. Nope. Dennis thinks it’s fucking hilarious. He giggles with delight as he chases the pigeons around the warehouse. He didn’t even care when one shit on him. What kind of psychopath did we just hire?

On the way out of the warehouse, The Fart Cloud hits both of us. Fucker doesn’t even flinch. I’m choking, tears streaming down my face, and he’s going on about how good whatever someone is cooking smells. The Fart Cloud is getting stronger too, I’m pretty sure it’s been going around accumulating all the smells of this place.

The Zombies are already at the door, waiting for us to come out. I grab Dennis and shove him out in front of me, plowing my way through them. A few toughs of his hair along with his left eyebrow were missing once we got past them, but other than that he was fine. He said he’d been meaning to get a haircut anyway.

At this point, it’s really starting to piss me off that nothing seems to bother this kid. So, as soon as I see Blind Richard wandering around lost down aisle 4, I send Dennis over to him to help him out. The blind leading the blind. This ought to be fun.

Just then, I notice Duffle Bag Man grabbing handfuls of whatever’s in his bag and sprinkling it all around in the corner over by the coolers.

“Hey man, get the fuck out of here!” I yell at him.

He scurries off and tells me I’ll be sorry. Whatever.

I go to check on the registers up front. Seems to be going pretty smoothly; The Zombies have all gathered up there and are helping Tilly keep her register quite tidy. By the time I notice The Hum, it’s almost 7:30. Guess I’d better go find Dennis and tell him it’s time for break.

When I find him, he’s on aisle 13 with Blind Richard. They’re making snow angels in The Spill That Never Dries. Of course. I throw a box of saltines at Blind Richard, then drag Dennis to the back to hose all the green slime off him. We have to keep The Spill isolated to aisle 13, or it’ll end up taking over the whole damn store.

When we finally get to the break room, Lenny isn’t in there, but The Turd Slug is. And, by the smell, it seems the raw egg/yogurt soup it was eating yesterday didn’t agree with its stomach. If you’re wondering how a Turd Slug could smell any worse… don’t. Just trust me.

“Aww, look at the little fella! He’s so cute!” Dennis exclaims as he bends down to pet it.

The Turd Slug starts purring, and Dennis asks if he lets us hold him. I tell him to go for it, as I throw my dinner into the trash and walk out.

The last customers of the night are usually The Prairie People. We call them that because they show up here in a covered wagon, all dressed like it’s 1864. They might actually be time travelers, who knows? The first one you see is the mom, but as soon as she starts asking you questions about the products, her daughters get curious too. One by one, they tear their way out of her stomach, until they’re all lined up in front of you. Once they get all the information they need, they crawl back inside their mother and leave without buying anything. Dennis tried to crawl inside her stomach hole too, but I stopped him.

At last, time to clock out and go home. Dennis’ information hasn’t been entered into the system yet, because Ruby’s the only one allowed to do it and she only comes to work when Gerold is here, but I’ll show him how to clock out anyway. Before I punch my numbers in though, I grab my paycheck. It’s missing at least 10 hours from it, so I make up the difference with some of the money out of Tilly’s register.

I go back over to the time clock, and Lenny is there, dripping all over it. I use the sleeve of my jacket to hit the numbers, but when I turn around, I slip on his puddle of goo. I go flying backward, and my head slams into the time clock, clocking me back in. Dennis bursts into laughter and says,

“Me next!”

Saturday:
Saturdays bring a special kind of weirdness to the closing shift. The store is usually pretty dead on the weekends, but don’t be fooled. Doesn’t mean you won’t see your fair share of action around here.

Bob comes in to close with me tonight, but he’s not much of a help, considering he’s not fully corporeal. You see, Bob died about 6 years ago, but he keeps coming in for his shift every Saturday night, without fail. Something about his contract not being up yet. At least he’s reliable.

Usually, by this part of the week, this place really starts getting to me and I’m itching for my day off. But, for some strange reason, not today. Guess it’s easier to just accept your fate than to try to fight against it, am I right?

I’m already clocked in, so I don’t bother with the time clock. Maybe they won’t notice and just pay me for those extra hours since they’ve stolen so much from me already. Doubtful, but a guy can hope. I head to the back, and as soon as I walk into the warehouse, Bob materializes in front of me, and I nearly jump out of my skin.

“God dammit, Bob!” I yell.

“Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to scare you…” He says.

Bullshit. That’s exactly what he meant to do. Since Bob is only able to touch things sometimes, the motherfucker does whatever he can to affect the world around him, including scaring the shit out of me every chance he gets. I should be used to it by now, but lately, he’s been getting more creative with his little pop-ups. I shrug it off and grab my cart.

Bob can also choose who sees him and who doesn’t. So he uses that opportunity to make me look like a jackass in front of the customers on occasion. Not that I care what they think of me. In fact, it’s better if they think I’m stupid, so they don’t ask me so many questions. Still, it’s a little embarrassing to be seen arguing with an empty space of air.

Today is paper product stocking day. All of the napkins, Kleenex, toilet paper, and paper towels need to be restocked for the week ahead. It’s all very lightweight stuff, so Bob should be able to help with at least some of it. I quickly load up the first cart with napkins, then rush out onto the sales floor before they can start changing into centipedes.

Bob follows behind me, playfully knocking some of the packages off my cart as we go. As soon as they hit the floor, they begin to crawl off. By the time I get to the shelf, I only have one remaining pack of napkins on my cart out of the 30 I stacked on there. Oh well. Looks like the Turd Slug’s gonna be eating good tonight; the napkinpedes are one of its favorite snacks.

It’s much colder in here tonight than usual, presumably due to Bob’s presence. My breath keeps turning into fog; it’s like I’m standing in the damn freezer for Christ’s sake. Even The Man Who Walks In Circles is shivering. Seems like I was wrong about him having zero perception of the world around him. Also, it’s raining outside today, so the ceiling is dripping, as expected. I grab the bucket and set it under the drip, but when the rainwater hits the pink stuff from Thursday, it starts to sizzle. Odd. Well, onto the Kleenex now.

To save time, I ask Bob to start on the paper towels. Once we finish all this stocking, we can fuck around till close, and after the week I’ve had, I deserve it. While I’m loading my cart, Bob is struggling with his. He was only able to grab ahold of every other roll he tried to. Took him so long, that the ones he had stacked on his cart were now a pile of fish flopping around. Guess the paper towels aren’t getting filled tonight.

I can’t hear The Hum at all anymore. Thank God it’s finally gone away, it’s only been 10 years of this bullshit. Corporate must have sent someone out to fix the speakers. I definitely won’t miss it, but now I’ll have to start wearing a watch to tell me when it’s time for break. I finish up my cart and grab my food.

Lenny is hanging out in the breakroom, but he’s not eating. Instead, he’s clipping his toenails and feeding them to The Turd Slug, as if it hadn’t already eaten enough tonight. He extends out a handful of goo-covered clippings and asks if I want any. I tell him no thanks, I’ve lost my appetite.

I get back from my break, and Bob has disappeared. I walk the whole store looking for him, but I can’t find him anywhere. I know he didn’t leave early because he’s contractually obligated to stay for his whole shift. So, I’m sure he’ll show up somewhere soon though, probably when I least expect it. Speaking of things that are missing, I realize I haven’t seen Duffle Bag Man come in here yet. Maybe I scared him off for good this time. Either that, or he ran out of shit to sprinkle in here.

Meanwhile, on aisle 13, The Spill That Never Dries has reached new proportions. It’s covering over half of the entire aisle… and it seems to be pulsating like it’s got a heartbeat. It’s even starting to bubble too, so I’m pretty sure it’s breathing on its own. I throw a wet floor sign at it, and The Spill engulfs it immediately, gobbling it up in a single bite. It lets out a huge burp, and I run away before the smell can get to me.

I decided to go up front and check on Adam, and lo and behold, Bob possessed him. I’m not surprised; it’s not like it’s the first time this has happened. Adam’s little ‘condition’ makes him more susceptible to this sort of thing. And, I’m sure it’s Bob and not Adam in there because the fucker is way too happy to be touching things. At least it’s keeping both of them occupied for the time being. I finish the last cart of backstock and head to the warehouse. Time to fuck around till close.

Tonight I accomplished a task I never thought I’d be able to do. I was finally able to coax The Fart Cloud into a glass jar, using the right bait. I used to try to catch it all the time back when I first started. But this time, after all these years, it seems I’ve finally figured out the perfect formula.

As soon as I get the lid closed before I can even celebrate, Bob appears in front of me. Jolted, I cling to the jar tightly, and Bob asks me what I’m up to. I tell him I’ve caught The Fart Cloud and that I’m about to go bring it to the back for safekeeping. He insists on helping, saying he feels bad that I’ve been working so hard tonight and he’s accomplished nothing.

“Don’t let it hit the ground, Bob. I’m serious.”

“I won’t.” He promises.

I go to gently place the jar into his hands, and, of course, it falls right through them. It hits the ground hard and shatters instantly, releasing the now irate Fart Cloud right into my face. Bob smiles, and I vomit. You know what? I can’t even be mad; it’s my fault for trusting him.

Before I know it, I hear the closing announcement come through on the intercom. Geez, tonight went by fast… I’m usually already up front by the time they’re making it. I clock Bob out first, then myself. When I punch my number in, the display reads:

Twenty-four hours have been deducted from your time, due to time theft. Have a nice day!

Fucking hypocrite. Oh well, only one more day to go.

Sunday:
I finally made it to the end of the week. No matter what happens today, at least I know I’ll be off tomorrow. I’m not even really sure what keeps me coming back to this place, to be honest; I didn’t sign a contract like Bob did. Sure, it’s got its charms about it, but the pay isn’t great, the customers are crazy and the workers are even worse. Yet, something still holds me here. I guess, in a weird way, The Emporium is just… home.

In reality, I’ve only been working here just over a decade, but sometimes it feels like I’ve been here my whole life. Shit, maybe I was even born here. Maybe I’ll die here too. Who knows. As we sometimes like to say around here, it is what it is.

On Sundays, we straighten up the store. Takes us nearly the whole shift to get it done, even with all of us here. We have to go down every single aisle and fix anything out of place, while also pulling all the products to the front of the shelf to make them look nice and full. Easier said than done in this place.

Paul, Chris, and Emma are all here with me tonight. They hate the Sunday shift, but I’m used to it. I get a strange sense of pride from making this store look normal, if only for a little while. Also, since I’ve been here the longest, I’m basically in charge of them all, so I can make them do all the worst aisles.

We usually start in the back of the store and work our way up to the front. That way we avoid the customer rush at 5:00. If they catch us trying to work, they’ll stop us and we’ll never get it all done. If there’s one thing I’ve learned here, it’s that the customers won’t ask you a question unless they think it’s going to bother you. So if you see one coming your way, best to stop whatever you’re trying to do and stare off into nothing with a blank look on your face. Usually does the trick.

We all meet up in the warehouse to discuss our game plan for the day. When I get back there, the three of them have already decided they want to try a new strategy. I listen skeptically as they tell me their idea to start in the front of the store instead today. I warned them about why that was not a good idea, but they insisted it made the most sense logistically. Okay, let’s see.

Tilly’s on register duty tonight. Worst day for her to be up there with the amount of customers we get, so I know I’ll be called to help. Adam says he can’t come to work on Sundays because he has to be in church all day. Good, the fucker needs it. I don’t know how many sessions it’s going to take to fully uninstall the demon, but since he won’t take medicine for it, I guess that’s the next best thing.

We walk to the front in a group, since there’s strength in numbers. On the way up there, we pass The Man Who Walks In Circles, as usual. Only, this time something was different. When the man sees me, he stops walking. I’m shocked because this has never happened before, so I stop dead in my tracks and stare at him. He walks up to me, looks me right in the eyes, and puts his hand down on my shoulder. I gulped hard, as the corners of his mouth began to creep up into a smile, revealing a row of razor-sharp teeth. I open my mouth to scream, but nothing comes out. He then removes his hand from my shoulder, and walks in a straight line, right out of the front doors.

“What the hell was that about?” Paul asks me.

“Shit if I know,” I reply, trying to hide my fear.

At least he’s gone now. Thank God. One less weirdo I have to deal with around here. I shake it off and continue walking to the front with them. When we get there, Dennis is standing down aisle 1 in what seems to be some sort of meditative state. I totally forgot about having a new hire. I should’ve known he’d be back the first chance he got. Guess it doesn’t hurt to have an extra hand around here, unless you’re Chris.

I introduce him to the gang and explain what we’ll be doing today. Emma compliments Dennis on his fingers, and he smiles and says thanks while wiggling them around in front of her. He’s gonna regret that. I tell him to shadow Paul since he’s been here the second longest, and of course, Dennis takes that literally. He starts mimicking every single move Paul makes. Even sneezed when Paul did. I know this is inevitably going to piss Paul off, but he’s never killed a worker here, so Dennis is safe… Probably.

So far, straightening is going pretty smoothly. We moved through the first few aisles fairly quickly and without incident. I started to think, maybe they were right about starting in the front. Until Space Goth turns the corner and starts flailing her arms around and screaming that she needs assistance. I freeze in place because I know her eyesight is based on movement. Dennis doesn’t know that, so he eagerly scampers up to her and begins trying to help. Me and the gang take that opportunity to escape onto the next aisle.

The situation there wasn’t much better. Crazy Mary was wandering around, and she can see you just fine whether you’re moving or not. I tell her to wait just a minute and I’ll be right back with my pee cup, but she tells me not to worry about it. She’s got plenty enough she says, and doesn’t need anymore. Uh oh… I know I should be relieved, but it honestly just leaves me feeling more unsettled. Something isn’t right here tonight.

I tell the crew I’ll be right back, and head to the warehouse to clear my head. As soon as I walk through the doors, a gust of wind hits me and a disembodied voice whispers my name.

“Bob?” I ask, into the wind.

“No, Tom. It’s me.” It answers.

Suddenly, the smell of rotten eggs surrounds me, and I wince and start gagging.

“Did you really think you could get rid of me so easily with just a glass jar? You fool! You’ve only made me stronger.”

I fall to the ground, my eyes filling with tears, trying desperately to cover my face with my jacket. I roll over to my stomach, then army crawl out of the warehouse, praying to God that The Fart Cloud doesn’t follow me. It doesn’t, but it screams out that I can’t run forever, and it’ll be waiting for me.

“Tom, you’re needed to the front registers!” I hear blasting from the intercom.

I ignore it though, I’ve got my hands full back here and Tilly can just wait until her actual break to go have a smoke.

Around 6:30, Dennis asks me what that strange sound is. My heart drops. I ask him what he means, and he tells me it’s like a faint hum he can hear coming from the intercom system. Shit. I nervously lie and tell him I have no idea what he’s talking about. He shrugs and says it must mean it’s time for break.

We aren’t supposed to all take break at the same time, but since we’re almost done straightening, today we decided to do it anyway. Everyone piles into the break room, and Lenny smiles and says it’s a party. He’s so honored that we didn’t forget his birthday. Fuck. We all sing to him, as he blows out the candles on his sardines. He offers us all a piece, but we decline. Except for Dennis. He dips some of the sardines into Lenny’s goo and says it’s quite delicious.

After break, we continue with the rest of the straightening. When we make it to aisle 13, The Spill That Never Dries has eaten the entire aisle, along with Blind Richard. His stick was being used by The Spill to pick hair out from its teeth. Poor bastard never saw it coming. Guess he really was blind. At least we don’t have to straighten this aisle now, though.

We move on to the coolers and freezers, and they’re a total mess. It’s gonna take a while to get them all fixed up, so I decided we should all split up. I send Paul over to the freezers, and he scowls at me while muttering something about this time he won’t miss the heart. Whatever, dude’s got lousy aim, so I’m not worried. Just ask the urinals around here.

Yogurt Lady was standing by the coolers slathering herself when we arrived. But, as soon as she locked eyes on Emma, she growled and ran away, leaving a slimy trail of yogurt behind her. I tell Dennis to follow me to the janitor’s closet so I can teach him how to handle a spill. He asked if that was supposed to be Lenny’s job, and I just laughed.

I push Dennis out in front of me and I guide him into the warehouse, thinking that if The Fart Cloud shows back up, I can shove him at it as a sacrifice. The coast is clear, so I take him to the janitor’s closet. As soon as we enter, I hear a strange sound coming from the corner. I lift up an empty box, and The Turd Slug is there. It’s given birth, and nursing a litter of turdlets. I didn’t even know the little shit was pregnant. That does explain why it’s been eating so much lately, though. Dennis is overcome with excitement and asks if he can have one when they’re old enough to be separated from their mother. I tell him sure, then grab the mop and bucket.

While I’m trying to clean up the yogurt, Dennis is hard at work scooping as much of it up as he can with his hands, with the intent to bring it to The Turd Slug. He giggles as it laps the yogurt from his hands, exclaiming,

“It tickles!”

I make him wash his hands, and we head back to the sales floor. Chris is missing another finger from the hand, but I know that won’t stop it from doing what it does best. Emma must’ve gotten hungry since the overwhelming stench of Lenny’s party in the break room prevented us all from eating at that time. I decide to have a little fun before the night ends, so I throw my box cutter on the ground in front of Chris and ask Dennis if he can pick it up for me. I smile with anticipation as Dennis bends over to get it. The hand reaches for Dennis’s bottom and when it gets there, Dennis’ body snaps back up instantly.

“Wow, thanks, Chris! That spot’s been itching me for days and I can’t reach it!”

I roll my eyes.

Finally, the store is all straight. Most of the products cooperated with us, and I only was stung once by the scorpions/toilet paper. Tilly’s night must have been stressful, too. By the time we get up to the front, she’s picked herself clean right down to the bone. I feel bad for not making it up here to help her, but I just had way too much on my plate tonight.

We all line up at the time clock, exhausted, but proud of how much work we were able to accomplish today. When I punch my numbers in, I’m pleasantly surprised to see that it’s given me all of my hours today, along with Dennis’. I smile, and looking down, I notice an envelope with my name on it, sitting on the floor in front of the time clock. I open it, and it’s from corporate. They want me to start the management training program next week. Comes with a hefty pay raise too. Gerold and Ruby will be pissed, and I know it means I’ll have to sign a contract, but who cares. I’m finally getting the recognition I deserve for all the hard work I do around here.

When I reach the front doors, I’m horrified to see that The Earlybirds have already begun gathering. Jesus Christ. I grab an umbrella from the display, open it up, and start pushing my way through them; covering my eyes so they can’t peck them out. At least I’m off tomorrow.

Credit: Jade Green

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