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Tales From Port-land

I found something I shouldn’t have, or maybe I should, I don’t know. I was helping my parents move out of their old house and into mine. Their house was about ten miles from the nearest town and even farther from a hospital. This scared me ever since the doctors diagnosed my mother with early …

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He’s Killing Up There

Part 1 “So I’m in the cosmetics aisle, right? And I’m standing there reading this bottle of lotion. ‘Not tested on animals,’ it says. And I’m thinking: Really? Like, who the hell is rubbing lotion on animals? Anyone?” A modest amount of laughter from the audience. About as much as you could expect from twelve …

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tales from the gas station

Tales From the Gas Station

PART ONE At the edge of our town, there’s a shitty gas station that’s open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. If you were to go inside, you’d see row after row of off-brand chips, cookies, potted meats and ramen. Expiration dates suspiciously missing from canned goods like they were filed off years …

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The Zombie Pitch

So, what’s it like to be a zombie? I’ll save you the effort of asking because we both know that’s what you’re thinking… right? Or, more to the point, what the best part of being a zombie? Well I’ll tell you one thing: it’s not the loss of dexterity. I’ve really only got two fingers …

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Who Was Phone?

oK so basicaly its like this. youare at a friends house for like the night or watever and then you guys are making out on the couch (yeah!) and then like.. her dad calls on the phone and says “no i she likes it more if you use the other hand… yeah” and your alllike “oh dude your dad is trying to give me advice on how to diddle you” and then she’s like… “i don’t have a dad..” or whatever… but what!? WHO WAS PHONE?