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Survival Guide

survival guide


Estimated reading time — 4 minutes

We’ve all been there. You have just gone to a certain place, at a certain time on a certain date, done a special thing and the thing you suspected would happen has just fucking happened, not to mention the fact that you’ve just seen whatever the fuck it is that lives in your mirror, been told in detail how you’re going to die, and the highly demonic and invincible thing you summoned is heading towards you.
Also, your family are all dead, your friends are all missing and you’re being framed by someone with access to your bedroom. What the fuck do you do now, sweet protagonist?

Well, you’ve come to the right place to find out: These are the simple rules one must follow in order to firstly, not become the victim of creepypasta and furthermore, to come out kicking if the worst does happen. With the help of this guide you too can be the catatonic, traumatised wreck as opposed to the guy currently being worn as a coat by some dude who roams a lot. Just keep these simple rules in mind…

1. Mirrors and darkness don’t mix.
2. Actually mirrors are a general “NO”, in creepypasta world, there is nothing more sinister.
3. There is zero chance of survival if you look the thing that no one else can see or answer it’s question incorrectly.
4. If you are alone at night in a creepy mental institution,take some time to consider what the fuck are you doing there, then, if it is appropriate to do so, leave.
5. Avoid going to places where everyone else who went there never came back or died inexplicably.
6. If someone stops your vehicle at night and asks to come with you, it would probably be in your best interests to politely decline.
7. Killing is the last method of survival, use it sparingly but without fear.
8. WHO WAS PHONE is always a good thing to ponder. Also who the hell answers a phone while kissing a dead persons sexy daughter. A douche is who.
9. Get a simple .38 revolver. Load it with 2 silver bullets. If you really feel there is no chance to come alive out of a situation, take one shot at whatever’s threatening you. If this doesn’t work, you still have the last shot to become an hero with.
10. Area 51 is simply too well guarded to let you get in. Or to let any alien out.
11. When going to a hotel, try to steer clear of unauthorized areas. If you couldn’t resist but you saw a red thing, take some time to consider the price range and hotel standard on your next visit. Have you ever stayed at a haunted Hilton?
12. When booking your hotel stay, Trip Advisor can be an invaluable tool in deeming whether your choice is the scene of a multiple murder/full of dead people/built at the mouth of hell. Local newspapers can also be helpful.
13. Invoking demons, speaking weird languages and performing rituals of any kind is considered dangerous. Refrain from doing that, especially around Abandoned Warehouses, Churches, Psychiatric Institutions, Forests and your house in front of a mirror at night.
14. When going to a new area, environmental understanding is a key to survival. Ask around for cursed places, legends, dangers and other details. Listen to the local peoples’ advice, and don’t be afraid to ask if you’re unsure of which attacks/disappearances are paranormal and which aren’t.
15. Always have a Bible next to your bed. Provides average reading material, proof of beliefs and a really heavy object to throw at enemies.
16. Don’t count on Holy Water. Get a sturdy vial of Sulfuric Acid and let a priest Consecrate it.
17. Japanese priests cleanse rooms by waving katana swords around. Their ritual is 100% effective on corporeal forms.
18. If you find 666 messages on your phone, mailbox, email, etc consider changing the said service provider. Also don’t bother listening /reading the messages. It’s spam. Extra dimensional, possibly, but spam nevertheless.
19. Old pharmaceutical companies cant help you. Unless you specifically need “Blood Of The Innocent”, ”Snake Oil”, and “Radioactive Syrup”. Which is never.
20. If you need to sign it in blood, you do not need to sign it. All mainstream governing bodies will accept contracts signed in ink, bear this in mind if offered deals that seem too good to be true.
21. Lighthouses are dangerous. Avoid them at all costs. If you work at a Lighthouse consider a career in Insurance Sales, or Veterinary Care.
22. There is simply no reason to listen to music that causes suicidal tendencies, or to watch films that have had strange/disastrous consequences..
23. If you like to plan ahead and have some money, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is.
24. Secret secluded untouched places in old buildings are left untouched for a reason. Pioneers never say “die” but in fact they do have an unusually high mortality rate.
25. Before you start swimming in the ice-cold waters of a murky lake at the center of a dark forest at midnight, ask yourself, do you really want to travel to an ancient and terrifying city? If the answer is “no,” then stay at home instead, and watch whatever quality programming is available on Cinemax.
26. On your 33rd birthday try celebrating in a well lit house with the company of others.
27. Refrain from using the One True Name for anything, there is probably a reason people gave it a nick.
28. Watching TV static for long periods may be hazardous to your health, try satelite TV to combat this problem.
29. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.
30. Cemeteries are bad places, especially in foggy conditions and on halloween.
31. Try not to close your eyes, ever. If you must, do so only briefly.
32. If you hear chanting, run until you are out of earshot.
33. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.
34. Legends can offer valuable insight of where not to go camping with friends.
35. When babysitting, ascertain the family’s tastes and preferences, to avoid being killed by poorly selected statues.
36. Even if you are certain that running will not save you, it is always best to try.

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Follow these simple rules and little (or massive) harm may befall you. Either way, the important thing is to make sure your tale is told, copied, and pasted repeatedly.

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Copyright Statement: Unless explicitly stated, all stories published on Creepypasta.com are the property of (and under copyright to) their respective authors, and may not be narrated or performed under any circumstance.

501 thoughts on “Survival Guide”

  1. Several years ago I used this website to read ‘Jeff the Killer’ and several Slenderman stories; a few years ago I decided to start reading all the stories on Creepypasta from oldest to newest, so I have probably read most if not all the stories, including ritual pastas, that were posted before this one.

    Let me just say that I FUCKING LOVE THIS! Parodypastas are among my favorite, and I agree that most ritual pastas are just plain stupid. This is almost like Skippy’s List or Cinema Sins (before the latter even existed) for Creepypasta! In writing and posting this story, you won the Internet, my friend.

  2. #37 Keep a bottle of water by your bed.

    Walking to the kitchen every damn night at 3 am because you’re thirsty (again) is just asking for trouble. Just sayin’.

  3. Fear the Greatwhite

    That’s a very accurate pasta survival guide! Enjoyed it, very funny! I’d love to narrate it for a video on my YouTube channel, if you do the mind? I’d credit you for it of course. Either way, nice job! Thanks

  4. I still love this…it’s like those books/movies that know the people who read/watch them are avid readers/viewers and they give those awesome wink wink nudge nudge moments. This list is also helpful to avoid clićhes while writing. Side note…did I spell that wrong :3

  5. THIS WAS THE BEST OMFG YES. I LOVE THE GENERAL SARCASTIC TONE AND THE JAPANESE PREIST BIT WITH THE KATANA. XD LMFAO

  6. “If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers” Indeed

  7. i have a cat and i would fucking tear anyone/anything to SHREDS if they hurt my precious baby!!!! if ur like me, my rules are
    1. sleep with knife under your pillow
    2. never open windows or curtains for any reason
    3. don’t read ANYTHING out-loud EVER
    4. don’t close your eyes unless absolutely necessary and if possible sleep with eyes open
    5. PRAY TO YOUR GOD/BELIEF/ANCESTORS THAT YOU ARE FAST ENOUGH TO GET TO THE KITCHEN WHERE THE KNIVES ARE!!!!
    those are the rules that you should follow if you cant do/avoid any of the things listed in this guide. :D awesome guide tho.

  8. “If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.”

    Lol

  9. This is outdated now that every creepypasta is some stupid shit about a videogame character as an exe file that kills people.

    Really now there are only three rules:

    1. Never buy used games.
    2. Always use emulators to play videogames.

    3. Use Mac. Linux can open .exe files and all Windows file extensions are literally Satan.

  10. I love these funny metafictional guides. And many of these tips are for general horror stories rather than just creepypasta.

  11. lub creepypasta

    i really like the doll one it was sooo freakin funny i mean im too old toplay with dolls plus that thing is saying the truth i have a doll i think it was last year it sounded fucking scary i tried throwing and it did work but i remember i saw it again once but ran away of that place!!!! o.o

  12. For holy gods sake if you can pronounce this:”Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!”, then please, for the love of all that is good and holy, DO NOT say it out loud. By the way, [Fin•glū•ē muhg•lū•näff Kə•thəl•hū Rə•lī•yā wə•gä•nä•gəl fuh•tān] or, for those not well-versed in enPR, “Fin-glue-E mug-loo-nahff Cuh-thull-who Rely-yay wuh-gah-nah-gull fuh-tain”]

  13. i m doing what’s opposite of what this says. i mean no offense, this survival guide just makes it more tempting to try stuff out. but i luv n believe this guide. too important for my life.

  14. *If your to old to play with dolls, you don’t need to be anywhere near one of those creepy little f***ers*

  15. TheScrapesofyesterday

    i live in Estonia! its spouse to be the safest place on Earth :( everything bad is in the US but i still hear scratching and buming every night at 4! i have 3 cats but none of them live in the addick!
    (pleas pardon my spelling! English isnt my mothertongue)

  16. TheScrapesofyesterday

    aa i have three cats but none of them are in my attick. I hear scratching and buming every night!

  17. CharizardTehSpooky

    I actually remember the creepypasta that number 35 came from.
    There was this teenager/babysitter/thing that was babysitting a couple’s two kids. (The parents were on an anniversary date.) The teenager/babysitter/thing noticed that the TV downstairs didn’t work. She then proceeded to go upstairs. (To her ultimate demise) She went into the couple’s room where there was a second TV. She was watching a program when her eyes began to wander about the room, and she noticed a strange drape of which wasn’t in front of a window. She removed the drape to find a creepy(ish) statue. She called the couple to question them about what it was. The husband said that it was an old statue that he found at a Flee Market (Hehe get it) or something like that. After a little more conversation, the teenager/babysitter/thing hang up and proceeded to watch whatever program she was previously watching. I don’t remember what happens for a small portion after that, but I do remember that the statue doesn’t brutally murder them, but that something does. Then it ends in a police/news broadcast thing that explains that the murderer was never found and that the teenager/babysitter/thing and the two children were murdered.

  18. CommunistWarrior1918

    5. Avoid going to places where everyone else who went there never came back or died inexplicably.

    15. Always have a Bible next to your bed. Provides average reading material, proof of beliefs and a really heavy object to throw at enemies.

    29. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.

    33. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.

    BEST ONES!LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
    I laughed my ass off.

  19. hahaha brilliant loved your list … it does frustrate me that people do stuff that no normal person would do in those situations.

  20. I’ts very unique! This piece definitely stands out from your regular creepypasta, plus it’s funny! I’d say focus on punctuation to improve your comedic timing, it’s a little-cringe worthy at the moment… #oops…

  21. My favorite was the Bel-Air line. Loved it. This whole thing is absolutely amazing and I thank you dearly for writing it. Just might keep me from doing anything stupid one day.

  22. “14. When going to a new area, environmental understanding is a key to survival. Ask around for cursed places, legends, dangers and other details. Listen to the local peoples’ advice, and don’t be afraid to ask if you’re unsure of which attacks/disappearances are paranormal and which aren’t.”

    “36.Legends can offer valuable insight of where not to go camping with friends.”

    Purposely put long after. By the time you are in the place, you will probably acknowledge you shouldn’t even have gotten there in the first place.

  23. 38. If a number of people who have read the book are either dead/missing under mysterious circumstances or confined to a room with padded walls and bars on the windows, said book really doesn’t need to be on your Amazon wish list.

  24. I quit my job at the lighthouse and went to work in a vetinary surgery and got mauled by a werewolf after being arrested for owning a gun with live(albeit silver) ammunition in England… : (

  25. Arancaytar:
    All of that is pretty funny, but the “17. Japanese priests cleanse rooms by waving katana swords around. Their ritual is 100% effective on corporeal forms.” was best.

    “29. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.” Also, you can just pretend any weird and ghastly noises downstairs were caused by them, allowing you to sleep better.

    Arrggggghhhhhhhhhh! It’s a monster! But don’t worry kitty.
    *Throws Kitty*

  26. Random survival guide on horror strikes site is… Well, random…. Case closed….. STOP STARING AT MEEEEE!!!!

  27. Almighty Bubble

    LOL do you all honestly believe these 29 30 tips could help you…?

    I am sorry CandleJack but your name wasn’t spelled right you should check the other cas

  28. RavishingRickRude

    I don’t really get it. some of these don’t really make sense, but my cats are lazy fuckers they wouldn’t sense a mouse if is shit on their fat asses

  29. booda:
    I have a bunch of cat’s and hear crazy noises all the time, and i’m not convincedit’s tiger M, precius, or trever, or even tyson. those are all my cat’s, and I hear noises from the attic. The attic isn’t accesible exept for the closet. And the closet is always closed

    my attic is accessable by outside (a vent thing) and a box in the hallway.
    No one, and i mean NO ONE has the courage to go up there.
    rare occasions i hear walking up there.
    Rain droplets, when its not raining.
    and…… when im in bed (im closest to the ceilling) i hear… breathing. like something is above or under me.

  30. Crazy Drunken Protaganist

    Creepy demon guy tells me o sign a contract in blood.
    “Okay”
    Cuts off demon guys arm and uses his blood.
    “You never told me whose blood to sign.”

    “Dude, you have a stupid little doll?”
    “Yeah, they’re quite useful.”
    “For what?”
    Creepy Doll kills other guy.
    “For getting idiots to shut up.”

    Walks up to mirror and sees demon.
    “Eh, f**k off.”
    Demon gets pissed off and leaves.
    “Finally, I can fix my hair.”

  31. First of all
    Nice one stormbringer, going Hitchhicker on us;)
    Second
    Damn tails doll ruined what i was about to say.>:(

  32. Firsly I’d just like to say whats with all of the candle…STICK references (sooo not saying his name) and then the unfinished endings?? I’m scared shitless right now…

  33. >Candeljack:
    All you have to do is say my name and ill come protect you i swear. You can trust me.

    HOLY SHIT DONT BELIEVE HIM/HER/THING! Trust me, DON’T.

  34. This was awesome and I agree dolls are stupid and should have never been invented. Especially those porcelain dolls that have a crack and are missing one eye

  35. “36. Even if you are certain that running will not save you, it is always best to try”. I just want to add to this one, just make sure you constantly look for branches in your path that you may trip over.

  36. Dude, in the Philippines there is a road, where, a lady will ask you for a ride, if you politely decline it will follow you until you give up, But if you said yes it will get inside the car and will stop you where she wants you to stop, and get out. It is LITERALLY A TRUE STORY! I Swear on God’s name it’s true. Balete Drive is it’s name.

  37. There actually is a haunted Hilton. In San Antonio, a man was hung in an old prison. His crimes were too graphic to be posted here. That prison was turned into a… You guessed it: Hilton hotel.

  38. I think for #3 you misspelled it. It should be If you can see the thing that no one else can see there’s a 0% chance of survival.

  39. Hollywood Undead girl

    I hear noises in my house all the time! I have 2 cats and none of them will dare to go in my room or the living room. I would put them in there they would just run away.

  40. If something goes bump in the night, it’s not a woodland creature or pet. Get a weapon ASAP before returning to bed.

  41. TheIntimateAvenger

    Number 11 won’t save you. 1408 was in a five star joint. When in haunted hotels, remember to always kill it with fire. If you’re lucky, you’ll get the good ending and end up with your wife again. If not, at least you’ll see your dead daughter again.

  42. I must say, as I read these rules, I realized that I already broke almost half of them…I actually enjoy messing with my friends by humming the song that inspired rule 22 (lavender town syndrome). Remembering it was an accident, though. I didn’t know the story behind it as I memorized it while playing Soul Silver. Also, I’m allergic to cats, so I guess I’ll have to stick with the bible…or my two dogs, maybe?

  43. Chris the cool

    My old friend rose told me about this a long time ago. I still remember to stay away from dolls

  44. 16. Don’t count on Holy Water. Get a sturdy vial of Sulfuric Acid and let a priest Consecrate it
    25. Before you start swimming in the ice-cold waters of a murky lake at the center of a dark forest at midnight, ask yourself, do you really want to travel to an ancient and terrifying city? If the answer is “no,” then stay at home instead, and watch whatever quality programming is available on Cinemax.

    Those were my two favourite.

    27. Refrain from using the One True Name for anything, there is probably a reason people gave it a nick.

    Ever read Inheritance?

  45. Love the pasta. Would eat again. Keep a bible by your side, good at entertaining you by average and an effective melee weapon, could also shield against knives, bullets and sharp teeth.

  46. Shame whoever wrote this forgot to add that if you get a video game that is clearly haunted, STOP PLAYING.

    Otherwise, great pasta!

  47. Jane-the-Killer.

    Hmmm…. you guys do have nice ideas to survive our world. let me tell you, though, running won’t help you escape from Slenderman, the Rake or Smile Dog. Does anyone know where Jeff is? Anyways, see you all on All Hallow’s Eve in the graveyard! Hahaha……

  48. This is not one of my favourites since its not actually a story, it’s just a guide of some sort, but it is the best “guide” I have seen yet

  49. creepypasta fan

    LOL, *hears massive explosion.* meh, just my cats cuz I have two of them and both of them will do anything for food.:-D

  50. “Get a sturdy vial of sulfuric acid, and have a priest consecrate it” is number three on today’s shopping list. Also, number four is get a cat, and a Bible.

  51. I love this. Whenever creepypasta starts to scare me really badly, I just read this and instantly feel better. ^_^

  52. lol. I don’t have a doll, and my sister is not a big doll fan either(3,5 year old). But I have 2 absolutely not creepy teddy bears, and a new bunny. They have not creeped me out, not even once. However I have been noticing that sometimes they are not where i put them. It is very rare, but it happens sometimes. Otherwise when I was little, I have had nightmares, in fact, every single dream of mine was a nightmare. I thought I had a very intensive imagination, and did my mum believed it so. But I always knew, there was more to it. I noticed weird noises, and even saw weird things. When I was sure it wasn’t a dream. I even saw things that I’ve never seen IN MY WHOLE LIFE before that nightmare. But it did exist in films, an theories(etc. i didn’t see one witch before I was 5) , i found out years after those nightmares. When I woke up from a nightmare, I usually couldn’t go back to sleep, until I was sweating, and so tired, that I didn’t even care anymore. At that time I would usually see my room in my nightmares(?), at least once. 1 night when i woke up, I surprisingly had a good dream. BUT my pijama was next to me, and was doubled up. Which was weird, since I always wear pijamas when I sleep. Then I noticed, that my teddy bears surrounded me, and sat there, like they were trying to protect me. We moved to England about 2 years ago(I was 13.5 yo). My nightmares stopped. It was a relief. My room is tiny, which makes it easier not to be scared, cause I can see every spot in the room. i don’t even have a cupboard, or a mirror in my room. My tablet helped me even more. i can watch videos in my bed now. I had a bad dream last night. All I remember now is that there was a small room…….

  53. This is a good survival guide to surviving the Creepypasta world lol. There’s nothing in here to tell you how to survive Slenderman though. I agree about never swimming after dark-who would want to, anyways?

  54. 37. If you haven’t seen a person face to face for several days, remember, gauge out your eyes immediately.

    1. Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference. That’s why you NEED a towel. I don’t know what you’d MEED a towel.

  55. Few things.
    9. I missed the first shot.. what should I use the second for.

    17. WTF?! Why didn’t you put this one soone

  56. “15. Always have a Bible next to your bed. Provides average reading material, proof of beliefs and a really heavy object to throw at enemies.” Lol XD

  57. You should add that if you order a game with a ripped off sticker or recieve one, smash it with a sludge hammer and burn it.

  58. no.8. WHO WAS PHONE is always a good thing to ponder. Also who the hell answers a phone while kissing a dead persons sexy daughter. A douche is who.
    also bel-air reference :L

  59. I am so glad to have to cats, one is smart but afraid of everything and everyone, and one so dumb it goes to the door when the doorbell rings.

  60. Don’t forget that if your kid is scared of his room, closet, under the bed, outside his window, etc… you should take him a little more seriously.

  61. There is one rule that isn’t here. Listen to your children. They are more sensitive to paranormal activity and what might sound like an over active imagination will have a bit of truth to it.

  62. OK so yes these are things tht you can necessarily do but what if your in the situation tht your in the middle of no where literly like slender-man game except tht there is nothing but him what do you do thts wht you should think of :)

  63. 33 If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.
    follow this rule up!! if you don’t you are going to get insomnia for the rest of your if it strangely disappears at night!

  64. This was a truly delicious pasta! My favorites, without a doubt, were numbers 29 and 33. You, good author, are preaching to the choir. Twas awazing!

  65. Koffenabzüglichzeichenerklügen

    I found the part where you throw the bible quite offensive, you keep a bible if you actually are Christian or are stumbling into becoming one. In any case please do not post blasphemous literacy on a forum that accociats itself with the devil. ( yes I just said I’m christian, I come here for actual scary story’s though)

        1. Koffenabzuglichzeichenerklugen

          Well if you are not “acciated” with the devil then why mention to use the bible for safety. Second blasphemes literacy, you where misusing a holy relic of my religion in saying that you could throw it. And just to note I don’t mean to sound like a freak, just a little offended and I don;t care if I get made fun of for being. Christian one day when the one who laughed at me are burning with the devil. I’ll laugh at them. But what other comment are you referring to please.

        2. What are you saying? I really don’t care what I’m made fun of for. But the story and almost half of the forum has stories that associate’s with some thing close to the devil ( example why say you need to carry a bible unless a demon attacks?) In any case I was just a little offended by the “Throw the bible” part Nothing I wanted to cause a fuss over.

        3. That’s kinda really dumb, I mean if I was the almighty God, I would be pretty fucking proud if the book about me got lobbed at a nasty creature and saved one of my beloved children. Sacred book or not, if it’s being used to save you from evil and blunt force is the only way you can do it, I’m fairly sure God will forgive you. If he doesn’t, he’s a bit of an asshole…

        4. It’s a somewhat 1,000 paged paper book with a lether cover. And waighsat least one mabye two ounces. So I doubt it would do you any good when you throw it,and god I’m pretty sure only lets the righteous kill demons. P.s Demons do hat the bible but that doesn’t mean that there not ‘Immune’ or whatever the heck athist think we belive You can get even better esults with just lunging at the creature and ripping it limb from limb.

        5. If you’re offended by Satanic things and by people making fun of the bible, you’re on the wrong site.

    1. Caseless! it’s me, proof PROTECT ME CONE!!! Mr. Derpbutt? um, any way I’m sorry about my friend me and him live in a strict christian neighborhood. And he’s been coming to creepypasta for a while now and usually doesn’t make such a big annoyance of himself. I’m christian as well but I really didn’t care, sorry Mr derpbutt caselesskey in real life has aspurgers syndrome and sometimes doesn’t understand the difference between sarcazam and reallity. P.s to make sure this ends post quack to assure that this is over.

      1. STRICT CHRISTIAN NEIGHBORHOOD!!! does someone have memory loss?! because the last time i checked we live two blocks away from the frigging Russian mafia! P.s most of those post were not me it was… well you know. and I’m aspurgers syndrome person yes not a mental restarted person. QUACK!!

      2. Mickey I know that’s you stop signing in as caseless and acting like some retard. I mean yes hes a little nuts in real life but seriously did you have to do that. and sign in as something else your confusing everyone including me.

    2. Actually, you never said you were Christian. You implied it. Really though, there’s no point implying something if you’re going to turn around and say “Oh hey, for everyone having a tough time keeping up, I am a Christian. One who worships Christ. You know – Jesus. He’s a pretty famous guy.”

      I’m sorry, I don’t mean to poke fun. In future though, you might want to refrain from reading anything other than the Bible, and maybe a collection of fairy tales. Always consult a friend or family member knowledgeable on this topic, as should you be exposed to something written by someone with / involving beliefs which differ even slightly from your own, you would surely burst into flames and burn until nothing remains of you but a small pile of ashes. Then Satan would probably snort them with a line of coke or something. You know what a crazy guy he is.

      1. I was pretty surprised when he responded, and I have a strange but false way of sounding like some out raged freak when saying something on the internet. And I really did not expect this all to start I mean I love the forum don’t get me wrong its great. I love the unheimlich setting and all the former post were not me some idiot friends were typing in as me and posting most of the reply’s. That’s one reason why the post mostly didn’t make sense , I am a christian yes and I am proud to say I am. But I was honestly not the one going all ballistic and arguing with derp. Any way, I plan on making a story in fact its based on the ww2 Nazi training base called Baumholder its now a U,S army post and where I live. Sorry everyone.

        1. Ok it was me who posted this. In case your wondering why everything me and caselss seems to type is a little frantic it’s because me and case are in school and going on almost every period. So dose mickey but he usually goes to some gaming site.

  66. Number 33 was my favorite!

    33. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.

  67. Good guide still i dont feel that safe unless i have a night-light (the only thing i have to keep me safe lol) or a gun i really wish i had. I will try to get a knife soon and a helmet.

  68. My Top 5 Survival Tips

    1.Bring 2 .500 gun’s and lots of silver bullets.
    2.Bring A Katana that is stained with a pure priest blood(lolwut)
    3.Apple’s
    4.Don’t bring mirror’s or a mannequin will kill you
    5.FUS RO DAH!

  69. On number 29. – Get a cat. I would revise this to get a cat AND a dog. That way, you’ve got all your supernatural detection bases covered, the dog gives you a little bit more firepower, and as an added bonus, the two will look adorable when playing together!

  70. Also if a creepy old man trys to give you a game…GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!!!!!!!

    This has been pro tips with HeroBrine .

  71. "22. There is simply no reason to listen to music that causes suicidal tendencies, or to watch films that have had strange/disastrous consequences.."

    Ah. Radiohead.
    no intention of offending anyone, btw they’re actually nice

  72. how come eery time i close my eyes for more than 2 seconds i hear a step a SINGLE step behind me i havent slept in 3 weeks

  73. i liked it alot but i have a question what do i do if i got a msg on my phone that has a date 4 years ahead of when i got it and i cant get rid of it . it has been sent to my phone everytime i get a new one and its always the same date

  74. Don’t forget rule #37 If you son has burned his eyelids and cut his cheaks and his face is white then its time for you to get the fuck out of there

  75. Rule No. 37:

    If you are randomly sent something that ends in either .avi .jpg or anything else like that, don’t open it. Delete the mail and mark it as spam. If your service provider does not automatically delete it, change service provider.

  76. Lol This is useful to people like me who notice nothing, My Sister and mom notice weird things(Women’s intuition?) My Dad doesn’t see anything/notice anything either lol But cats add an extreme amount of comfort but my cat isn’t in the house right now .___.

  77. Blue_angel_feathers

    LOL

    But seriously the only thing that keeps me form going insane from the pastas is my cat tazzy…..totaly black and has yellow eyes.

    ……………….

    I love my little sleeping furball :D :P

  78. “If You are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near those creepy little fuckers.”

    Very true. I really do hate dolls.

    1. I thougth so, too. Then I found a doll that I named Andy, who looked like someone I knew, and so I decided to keep him for a little while. I ended up having to burn him.

  79. Sometimes though it terrifies you do you sometime wish something so creepy would just happen. You know something different that you never see that just changes your life perhaps? Maybe it’s just me but I sometimes think that…yep these rules get me thinking

  80. I can’t help but read this in the voice of the doctor from Take This Pill and Health Reminder (Doki66, same who made Salad Fingers etc)

    And a new rule: 37. Remember to stay away from nervous dogs. Too much contact and you may contract Melodram Patheticism, and your chances of Survival will be equal to -1.

  81. I prefer hanging out with Laternphillip or Flashlightryan. They’re a nice family, really. Just sucks that I have to make so much pie whenever they come visit…

    This is brilliant. I’m going to print these out and carry them in my wallet. Just in case.

  82. I laughed my ass off at “33. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.”

  83. the hash slinging slasher

    LAUGHED SO HARD XD!!!! especially at #29 because once i threw my cat at a friend when she startled me, it seriously does work!

  84. If mirrors are a “NO” in general, than I’m fucked…My closet doors are just gigantic sliding mirrors…lovely O.O

  85. Fucking awesome. I lol’d several times. I’ve read just about every pasta on this site and this is the first one I’ve liked enough to comment on.

  86. That made me lol all over the place.

    One more to keep in mind, If you live near the woods, a cave, a psychiatric ward, a slaughterhouse or a school, you should either move, or become a hermit.

    1. lol….i live near the woods a school and a cave :) and yes,im moving…..near the woods and a cave…..no school!

  87. Anonymouse (June 1st, 2010): Actually, Slendy does target adults occasionally. However, there is a way to survive:

    37: If Slenderman is after you, throw a small child holding twenty dollars at him then run

  88. Look at all these people mentioning candle jack and not following through with the meme! I mea–

    Oh… pie does work…

  89. i just gotta say this i dont think theres a phone that can actually hold 666 messages i think thats way to many and if i had that many i wouldnt listen to them anyway

  90. o lol i looked at these it made more sense then the storys i read but what about keeping some ammo in your pocket or try to be the badass or something like that i don’t know i give it a 10/10

  91. Lighthouse Owner

    Dude, stop being bad for mah business :(

    And Siamese are the most attuned to spirits, yes. The good thing about siamese cats is that they were BRED to be thrown at intruders.

  92. “35. When babysitting, ascertain the family’s tastes and preferences, to avoid being killed by poorly selected statues.”

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAA
    …What? I saw a stupid chain letter involving this scenario once. It was hilarious. xD

    THIS IS THE SCARIEST PASTA EVER AND I SHALL NOT SLEEP TONIGHT NO I SHALL BE PLAGUED BY THE HORRORS OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT TO DO AHH
    10/10

  93. What’s a good cat breed? Are Siamese cats better at sensing whatever it is to be sensed? And yeah, I’m pretty serious.

  94. #29 made me look at mooshi (my cat) and raise an eyebrow, she replied by getting up from where she was and pointedly turning around so i can look at her butt
    :3
    not technically pasta, more like
    pizza? or chicken parmesian?
    i dont know what it is but i give it a 10/10

  95. BTW, you should always read these things with the TV on. And if you have a laptop, sit on your couch(and make sure it’s against a wall).

  96. Yeah, my cat came in pretty handy.

    This one time, I tried one of those weird ritual things and my cat fucking scratched the hell out of the horrible monster that came out of my mirror.

  97. Number 234: If you find a tape of a show made in the 70’s or 80’s named Candle Cove, throw it in the bin.

  98. Child of Shadow

    18) Also, don’t try phoning the number back. Have you any idea how nuch it costs to get through to Hell? Pricey.

  99. “23. If you like to plan ahead and have some money, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is.”

    Not quite, Will got shot on Season 5, Episode 15.

  100. I’ve been left out of the Slenderman loop. Anyone care to explain him?

    Otherwise, great work. I lol’d.

  101. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.

    LOVED IT.

  102. It is always refreshing to see someone poke fun at what so many of us call ‘scary stories’. Most amusing, and helps remind us that these are just stories, for as much as we might scoff, there is one story on this site for everyone, one that gets under their skin and in their mind, that preys on their doubts while they lie in their bed staring at their ceilings. Well done, and thankyou to the people from Encyclopedia Dramatica. And, as always:

    Fear the Darkness,

    -Nex

  103. Awesome read. I actually really enjoyed this one.

    Author didn’t mention the silly pasta/meme about Candlejack though; how he kidnaps you after you mention hi

  104. Lovely. Just lovely.

    Also, if you really want to know why they didn’t say anything about certain dark figures…

    they did.

    #27.

  105. Hi , don't turn around

    thanks for the doll tip: THOSE BITCHES CREEP ME OUT
    the katana thing is hilarious but incorrect: japanese priests bless the sword with herbs and leave it on an alter, also they give fruit and other foods to the “hungry ghosts”.

    the mirror thing is so true.

    and if anything says 666: PUNT THAT BITCH

  106. RemickZeroLight

    Getting Slenderman to leave you alone is actually pretty easy. Just give him twenty dollahs.
    It won’t stop masky from raping you though :(

  107. Great story, however…
    @Peterdivine
    No mention of slenderman because
    1. He only goes after children, this isn’t Marble Hornets
    2. Unlike other supernatural phenomenon we can actually trace him back to his origin at the Something Awful forums, he’s fun, but you don’t need to know how to survive him

  108. I didnt read all of that but i love the first paragraph haha written so well and somebody has too much time on their handss!

  109. Rule # 36 No sex or alcohol. Sober virgins always live.

    I doubt anyone on here has anything to worry about.

    1. Half of this site is drunk, so . . . no, most of us won’t live.

      Most of you, anyway. The Box is great against everything. I had to tribute a single soul to bind it to myself, but it’s not like anyone will miss that jerk.

  110. Haha, this really is fantastic and a great read. Nice change of pace from the stuff that’s been written lately and a good homage to all the past pastas.

  111. Clever! I liked it. Not quite a story and not really creepy but apropos and an entertaining read.

    Also, I don’t think Slenderman can really be counted here because A.) the mortality rate of the people who come in contact with him is 100% and B.) there’s nothing you can really do to prevent seeing him, he just gets closer and closer until suddenly he’s TOO CLOSE.

  112. Well, several points to make here:
    First off – WOOT. Also lol
    Second – Tower misuses his power as an admin, he bans people for no reason, get over it, there’s not actually a law or rule that says you must recieve a warning before you’re banned.
    Third – lol katana
    and finally – t(‘.’t)

    Peace out

  113. Red Raider, is that why the chat box doesn’t appear for me anymore. WTF, I wasn’t even talking, I left myself logged in and was watching a movie in the living room. :(

    The guide has some amusing bits, but I’d say if you want to survive, go investigate everything. Keep a fully automatic weapon, a towel and a maglite on you. And don’t panic, ever.

  114. But notice: nothing about Slenderman.

    Because nothing, but nothing, can stop Slenderman, and all comments to the contrary are lies made of the hopes of doomed fools.

      1. Logic for Dummies

        Slenderman has no nose, therefore he can’t smell it. Sorry to rain on your parade, but we’re doomed. :)

    1. actualy just offer to be his friend like i did and he wont harm you. but remember he can pear into your soul and know if your sincear about it. if your not then he will just kill you as if you never offered in the first place.

  115. Commissar Tzeentch

    You should have also mentioned that common sense is your most important tool and i will save your life.

    If you have it that is.

  116. Also, important rule to never forget; If someone is hemorrhaging massively on a specific day, that causes and elevator to be filled, people to people to slip and be grossed out, sharks to bitten everybody, vampires to chase said person (all of the vampires ever), and it gets a boy and a dog, the best thing to do is to send yourself into space.

  117. An admin has to give a warning before banning someone, and i recieved no warning. Also there are no rules of conduct so you can not ban someone from the cbox. I just want to talk to my friends and bam, i’m banned because there was a moderator on and 2 people were spamming, and the moderator banned everyone. Not fair.

        1. Stay within the light Riku. You are strong. Your heart may have been taken by darkness but you still were able to shine through it all. I believe in you. Mickey does too. DON’T GIVE UPPPPP

  118. The doll thing and Bel Air cracked me up slightly. Not a bad pasta, but not creepy, either. Still, entertaining. Would eat again.

    7/10

  119. Oh man, this is good.

    Someone mind listing all the creepypastas referenced? I recognize a few of them.

    1. WolfInTheShadows

      Why are you being downvoted? I totally agree but the Internet story, The Girl Holding The Orange (or whatever…) was the best :3

        1. yet-another-guy-who-must-not-be-named-i-dont-even-know-anymore

          GIVE ME POTATOES GODDAMNIT!!! THEY MUST BE WARM BECAUSE POTATOES ARE BEST WHEN EATEN WHILE WARM

  120. First!!! haha such a noob
    anyway nice pasta. pretty funny, not quite creepythough. liked the references

        1. You don’t know, how many times I just thought that, to get Jeff to come… HE ISN’T hear that, maybe I should try screaming it from the top of a mountain? Yeah, I’ll do that.

  121. All of that is pretty funny, but the “17. Japanese priests cleanse rooms by waving katana swords around. Their ritual is 100% effective on corporeal forms.” was best.

    “29. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.” Also, you can just pretend any weird and ghastly noises downstairs were caused by them, allowing you to sleep better.

        1. sir i lol’ed reading ur comment now i have to quikly catch my victim before they escape. his laptop has very clear resolution

        2. I would blame a cat but I know it’s really my wife…. I stuffed the bitch in the closet under the floor boards…. Fuck she just wouldn’t shut up and now I can smell her. SMH. :(

        1. Username, or no username, there is no name user

          CandleJack, come get me, if you dare, FYI those people who say CandleJack then their posts are there but unfinished, if something got you then you post wouldn’t get po

        1. *walks into giant satanic sacrifice in my living room*
          “Dammit Fluffy what did I tell you about making demonic sacrifices?”

      1. I have a bunch of cat’s and hear crazy noises all the time, and i’m not convinced it’s tiger M, precius, or trever, or even tyson. those are all my cat’s, and I hear noises from the attic. The attic isn’t accesible exept for the closet. And the closet is always closed

        1. The Squire's Jester

          I suggest to both of you to A. get out of the house NOW or B. get eaten/killed by whatever is in your house.

        1. yeah, i mean, have any of you guys seen coraline, that movie prolly would have made a high rated creepypasta. it certainly freaked me the fuck out.

        2. yeah never trust dolls
          everytime i am going to sleep and there is a doll looking at me i trhow it to hell

      1. The One In The Corner

        23. If you like to plan ahead and have some money, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is.

        definitely tops my list here as funniest thing i read in this guide :)

    1. My favorite was 20. If you need to sign it in blood, you do not need to sign it. All mainstream governing bodies will accept contracts signed in ink, bear this in mind if offered deals that seem too good to be true.

    2. noooooooooooooooooooo! dont say candle jack. hell drive you insane and then kill you. if you read the story youll know what im talking about! dont say i

      1. Are you serious? It’s just a fucking story. I feel sorry for the idiots who actually believe things like this, and plus, it was meant to be a joke.

        1. Yeah, apologies for finding some humour in the whole Candlejack thing. I hope you can forgive me someh

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