Seriously?
A man and woman walked out of the bank, hand in hand. This might be a normal thing for anyone, maybe even you. But not for her.
The man made a typical, throwaway remark about their lunch plans. Under usual circumstances, this would just be interpreted as a feeble attempt to incite lightheartedness into the conversation. But not for her.
With a quick, agile movement, the woman, his wife, picked up a slab of concrete by the sidewalk and, with great aim, hit two doves perched on a low-hanging branch. They fell, like two pathetic white balloons. As soon as they hit the ground, his wife beat them to a pulp-she could see that they were still breathing. And her husband knew that he fucked up again.
Some passerby began to stare openly at the horrible sight of two bashed birds.
“Linda!” Her husband yelled. “Stop it!”
“I thought we were going to kill two birds with one stone?” She replied, in a voice of unnatural calm. Her face gazed up at him from the ground, stoic and rigid, like some dread mask.
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
She had a certain….well, mental illness is a bit of a euphemism. Let’s just say she had a disability. A serious and rare one. Linda could not understand the difference between jokes and imperatives. She took every figure of speech she heard seriously, and was often compelled to make whatever it was into an actuality. Her husband recalled, one point, when she nearly pushed him out the window, when, in light of the recent resignation of his business partner, he remarked that he was in fact flying solo. Linda wasn’t always dangerous, though. Sometimes, he’d go home only to find her giggling like a little girl at the sight of milk on the floor. Or maybe even staring out windows during rainy evenings to see whether any cats and/or dogs were to be found falling from the sky. But then came the times when she would get harmful. Only last month, the pediatrician living in the apartment next to theirs got pelted with apples and other fruits. Poor woman nearly tripped down the stairs. This other time, an event which still scared him up to now, she shoved in his hands a bit of her bloody scalp, saying it was a piece of her mind. She had to wear a bonnet whenever she had to get out of the house after that. In spite of all this strange and violent behavior, he still loved his wife very much and could not bear to send her away to a mental hospital.
His mistake.
He became very careful around what she would see or hear coming from anybody since the episode with the birds. Much to his joy, a year and a half passed without much incident, and their firstborn child was soon to come. It was good, since the coming of a baby took their minds off whatever financial problems they had.
He was away when it happened. After he heard that child was born, he rushed back home.
As soon as he stepped through that door, he knew something was wrong. His wife was calling him from the kitchen. In her arms was the son he could never know.
In the light of their kitchen, lain on the table, were the remains of the baby, their baby. Its mouth was stretched open to such a degree that it split open, the underside of its jaws seen. It reminded him of a tear in cloth, the seams not made of fabric but of flesh. What little blood the baby had to spare was everywhere. In response to his child’s grotesquely expanded mouth, his father’s jaw fell open in surprise and terror and disgust, threatening to do the same. A scream tried to come out, but it did not.
Forcibly thrust into the gaping hole that was a baby’s mouth, was his wife’s forearm. She seemed to be trying to claw something out of the-
As soon as his wife spotted him, she turned in his direction, bloody baby still stuck on her arm.
“You have to help me! The doctor said he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth!”
//
Credited to Truncheon
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Seriously? Who says ‘born with a silver spoon in his mouth’ any more?
Man, I don’t know if it’s because I just had a son, but this shit turned my stomach at the end.
Sounds like she had a major case of the ‘spergs.
But her “condition” doesn’t explain how she was able to also be so violent and not think “oh wait, this is sick and twisted”.
@stranger: Very true. Or maybe consider the doctor was wrong. But I certainly wouldn’t stick my hand down the kid’s THROAT when it was only meant to be in his mouth.
Looks like she didn’t take things entirely literally after all.
Fail.
Sounds like she had a major case of the ‘spergs.
But her “condition” doesn’t explain how she was able to also be so violent and not think “oh wait, this is sick and twisted”.
This one just splits my sides. I can’t stand to keep a straight face. It tickles my funny bone. I haven’t seen something so knee-slapping funny in a coon’s age.
Don’t kill me, crazy woman.
rofl what the hell?!?
it makes me sick just thinking about it o_O
Eh… I just couldn’t get into it. Some things taken literally may have consequences like that, like the one with the birds, but get real, even if someone was that way, it doesn’t mean they’re illogical, just incapable of taking things outside of their literal meanings. If I took everything literally and a doctor told me that but I could very plainly see that my child was okay and that no one seemed worried at all, the next logical step in my thought process would be to assume that the doctor removed the spoon at birth. You see? I also wouldn’t kill my child trying to fix it…
like people have said, as soon as a baby was mentioned it was obvious she’d do somethig to it. i was expecting ‘good enough to eat’ though, so caught at least a little off guard.
I must admit, I somewhat enjoyed this one only because of the wife. The gore, the baby, none of it struck me as very clever, but there was something about the idea of this woman and this man’s situation, that was entertaining to read.
….I admit. i laughed at the end XD
7/10
Man, that was fucking fantastic :D
This makes no sense what-so-ever. I mean, even if she didn’t understand figures of speech, she wouldn’t go and tear her baby apart. So there had got to be something else wrong with her anyways, which kind of makes this whole story just… dumb.
What’s next, furious George?
Oh mama. You so silly! 8/10
Hmm, very interesting and original concept. I really liked this. Will eat again.
Josef K turns to writing philosci-fi and this is what we get left with.
The baby is disgusting, and the pasta is too.
The stupid thing is, why would she do that, she would, I’m guessing, have a sense of right and wrong and know that she shouldn’t kill things for no reason and even though she had that disability she would probably ask if the person was serious or not.
And for the lolz:
What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon
One’s fun to smash with a hammer…the other is a watermelon
But dead babies are hilarious D:
I LOL’d hard.
@ Char Mander and Ohai
YES.
I couldn’t think of her name, and I knew it rhymed…
Thank you.
The formatting in this piece is terrible. I find the end result suffers because of this. Seriously, even out your goddamn paragraphs a bit.
I swear to God, I was going to say Amelia Badelia, curse you Ohai for beating me to it. You win awesome points.
I do like the idea though. I always DID wonder what would happen if Amelia Badelia got too bad with her seriousness.
–Char Mander
I’m with the anon who mentioned how the “silver spoon” plot device makes no sense in light of the aforementioned “financial problems.” IMO it actually killed the resolution.
To Anon boo-hooing about suspension of belief. That’s the whole fucking problem you tool, this story shatters that.
xD
Nothing more can be said c:
10/10
Eh, not so much. The kinda just reads out as a really long winded joke with a horrible punchline to me. 4/10
Yeah, everyone who complains this creepypasta isn’t scientifically accurate, that’s probably because it’s a creepy story on the internet that isn’t meant to be written by a psychologist? You must have interesting tastes in reading.
Pretty good, kind of like a psychotic Goosebumps story. It might seem like a cheap move, but I think the dead baby thing was used in a genuinely creepy way, not just for straight shock value.
@ Psychological Anon:
I did not intend for her condition to be an ACTUAL mental affliction. Just a disability stemming from unknown sources.
Or maybe I’m just too lazy to open up a book about brains. Meh, either way.