Estimated reading time — 5 minutes
Ever heard of Funnytown, USA? No, not the one from Colorado, the one from Idaho. If you haven’t, that’s okay, because it’s no longer there. It hasn’t existed since the summer of 1968.
Funnytown was an amusement park that only lasted for less than a month. Anyone who remembers it would probably recall hearing a news report that a… tragedy occurred there that forced the park to close down. I am one of the few still alive today who actually saw what happened. My name is Josh Henriken, and I will tell you everything I witnessed.
It was Friday, July 18th, 1968, and the park was the busiest it had ever been, according to the local news. I arrived there with my best friend Luke and his fiance Mel. Luke and I were 17, and Mel was 16. I hadn’t seen them for nearly a year since they moved in together, and when Mel bugged Luke to take her to Funnytown, he gave me a buzz and had me tag along. Us two guys felt too old for some kiddie park, but it was Mel’s birthday so we went along with the idea.
We entered the park, which was fairly crowded for being a place that was so out-of-the-way. It was a large, cartoonish town with cast members wearing striped, brightly colored suits and blouses. There were many booths set up along the streets with typical amusement park shit like unhealthy food and games for winning prizes. As you’d expect, Luke felt obligated to win Mel some prizes, which gave me some time to roam around on my own.
I remember deciding to go on a ride that Mel would’ve hated, ‘Dr. Strange’s Funny House’, a cheap knock-off of Disney’s ‘Haunted Mansion’. Only one person could go at a time, and the rider had to sit in an uncomfortable mining cart. I sat in that damn cart, and it moved me along on a track through a pitch black tunnel where animatronic ghosts, mummies, and vampires popped out at me. It wasn’t anything impressive, but then the cart took me into a room where the figure of Dr. Strange stood. The scene depicted was one that really stuck with me.
Dr. Strange was dressed in typical mad doctor fashion, and stood in his laboratory. A giant, deformed monster he had created was locked in a cage, begging for food. The crazed doctor was standing over a female victim that was strapped to a table, and he was hacking her up with an axe, feeding her body parts to the monster. Although the scene was done with cheap animatronics, I had no idea it was really an omen for what would happen next.
The ride ended, a cast member pulled me out of the cart, and I was in a black tent. As I walked towards the opening, I suddenly heard what sounded like an alarm. I exited the tent, and saw that everyone was in a panic as the noise continued, yet there didn’t seem to be any signs of danger. Some people headed back to the parking lot, while others stood there acting very confused. Even the people in charge of the park didn’t know what the fuck to do.
That’s when everything got very, very terrible. The alarm had a horrible effect on some people, and it started with the cast members. One by one, they began to rip the flesh from their faces clean off, then guests began to do the same. Those that were faceless began shouting the most insane things I’ve ever heard to something in the sky. The alarm continued to sound, and those that had not mutilated themselves were brutally attacked by the crazy ones.
Chaos erupted all over Funnytown, and blood covered pavement and soaked into the grass, creating huge puddles that some people slipped on while trying to get away. Those who were once holding hands were now impaling and hacking away at each other. I was so paralyzed by fear that I could not fucking move till I saw someone on fire running directly at me. I kicked him to the ground, then ran through the mob of gore-drenched maniacs to see if I could save my friends.
Finally, I found my best friend that I had known since preschool. Mel was crawling away in agony with her throat sliced open. Luke was about to finish her off with a shard of glass when he turned around to reveal that he had torn off his face as well. He smiled at me and said, “They’re coming to save us, Josh! All we have to do is free ourselves from this ugly flesh, and they will accept us!” “Who, Luke?” I asked, “Who is coming?”
Suddenly, the alarm started getting louder and louder, until I saw that it wasn’t an alarm at all. The horrendous noise was emitting from a spacecraft that swooped down over Funnytown, then hovered for a few minutes while the people that had lost their minds called to it, begging the unseen aliens to take them away. Instead, the craft began to slowly fly off. The base of the ship was circular, and the top was pyramid-shaped, with three triangular engines on its back that glowed blue. As it flew back into space, the noise slowly began to fade, then the entire crowd became completely silent for a few short moments.
The eerie silence was soon broken by a dozen police cars arriving at the park’s entrance. The officers were all heavily armed, and two S.W.A.T. teams quickly joined them. The police open-fired on the crowd, targeting literally everyone. I left Mel and Luke behind, and took cover in the tent from the ‘Funny House’, where I was attacked by the cast member who had helped me off the ride.
The man was strangling me, but I was able to kick him out of the tent. I saw him get back up, but then a shotgun shell made his head explode. I laid there in my hiding spot with my eyes shut, listening to the horrors outside and praying no one would look inside the tent. Obviously no one did, but I still waited there for many hours, hardly moving at all till I heard the chirp of crickets. Night had come, and all the police vehicles were gone so I left the tent and made my way back to my car, stepping over dead bodies and cruelly-made weapons as I walked through the dark streets of the once happy park.
That’s where my story ends, and it’s all true. There were other survivors of the massacre, such as other guests and officers, but most of them either killed themselves or went missing. The entire park was torn down the next day, and the government covered the whole thing up, especially the appearance of the UFO, as you can imagine. To this day I have no idea why the sound from the spacecraft made some of the guests crazy, but not all of them. It probably made me a little crazy too, because whenever I think about that day, I do find it funny.
Credit To: J.Stan Shocker