Heartworms

I filled up the bowl to the brim with live meal-worms from the fridge, watching them squirm and slither over each other as if they believed they could escape. It was gross and it made me want to gag yet I stomached the feeling. Just as I had many times before. This was simply what I needed to do.

I carried the bowl to my guest room, lying just down the hall from the kitchen. The walls on the short walk held countless memories, each tucked neatly into pictures frames. That was always one of her favorite parts about decorating, getting to look at the photos of us. I smiled at them as I walked by. It was those memories on the wall that always made going into the room a lot easier. However, it was never a long walk and soon I was met with the wooden door. It was just as intimidating as always but no matter how it made me feel, I still had to go in.

As my hand touched the knob an anxiety shot up through my system. I didn’t know what to expect on the other side. What if I opened the door and she was dead? What if I caught her at a bad time? What if? No. I had to shake those thoughts from my head. None of that mattered, I needed to do this. This was my responsibility. And so I turned the knob, feeling every creak in my bones as I pushed it open.

The room was dimly lit with the only light flooding in from the hallway. Inside I could see that It’s navy blue bed sheets had been torn again with large chunks of them stung about the room. The paint on the walls had chipped even more and I noticed a few new holes since last time but that barely mattered thanks to the stench that entered my nose. It had a rotten and strong smell that took up the room like a fog. Still, I pushed on into the room, feeling my sneakers stick to the floor with each step, practically ripping off the sole of my shoe. No matter how gross, I knew this was the habitat it needed. It allowed her to be herself, in whatever form that would take.

“Kayla…” My voice cut through the tranquillity of the room. I was excited to see her. “I’m back from work and I brought food.”

Slowly, I laid the bowl down in the middle of the room and it connected like Velcro against the sticky wood floors. The moment it left my hand I backed up, peeling myself step after step towards the doorway. I watched the bowl like a hawk as I walked backwards, noticing that a few worms had crawled out of the bowl. One in particular caught my eye. Its yellowish blob of a body squirms near the bed, hoping to find a moist spot to make its home. I felt amazed at how freely they moved, no worries of what might become of it. I wished sometimes I could feel like that again.

Slam. The legs of the bed suddenly hit against the floor. It seemed to startle the worm as well as it quickly started to slither away as fast as its little body could take it. Slam. The bed tipped over, banging against the wall as a hand shot out from under it. It’s meatier than yesterday, red at the fingertips with the skin slowly peeling back around the knuckles as it grabs the worm. Dragging it quickly under the bed. Slam. The bed hits the floor again. She’s eating again today, and that’s a relief.

I turned around, hoping to focus my attention on the pictures. My eyes darted around the wall, noticing a picture of Kayla outside of a Dennys. We had shared our first date there when we both got stood up by our tinder dates. I was just about to leave when I saw her, sitting alone checking her phone. Kayla had the cutest, annoyed look on her face, the kind that was more disappointed than mad. I figured I might as well try to make both our nights a little better so I went over, said hi and offered to buy her food. I’ll never forget that night, especially all her little quirks. Those were some of the most adorable things about her.

Food Shyness, Kayla called it, was something she had been forward about since our first date. When she would eat, I wasn’t to look her in her eyes because she was worried about looking ugly when she eats. As her condition got worse, she didn’t like being watched at all. She thought it made her disgusting . Kayla was always beautiful though, no matter how bad things got. She was perfect, and I never, not even for a second, regretted meeting her.
Slam. The bed moved again. It was a much softer hit against the wall. Then there was scraping. I heard it scrape its way out from the hiding spot, hitting the floor with a force that shook the room and it sound as if someone was dragging a heavy piece of furniture. I could tell it took lots of energy. It was out of desperation that she crawled and even in that weakened state, I was happy she was eating.

“Let me know if you want mo-” I was cut off by the slurping. A rhythmic, constant, slurp, slurp, slurp. A crunch, then there was a crunch, loud and sharp, those happened sometimes when she ate too many at once. My eyes longed to find another photo, hoping to catch another memory on the wall to block it all out, yet… in the reflection in the picture frame I saw her. She was eating. As my eyes caught hers I noticed how animalistic they were. They were angry and she looked tense yet, when they caught mine they grew soft, into these caring blue eyes, Kayla’s caring blue eyes. I tried to break eye contact, shifting my gaze to the half of a worm falling out of her mouth and into the pile that was held in her hands. She didn’t like being watched while she ate, I knew that.

“Jawwsh…” Her voice croaked, she never talked.

“Ye-yes” I stumbled over my words, it was hoarse and deeper than I remember, but that was my Kayla’s voice.

“I’m Sawrr-Rry.” The pain in her voice was clear and it hit me like a truck. Why did this happen to her? What did we do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve this? I knew I needed to help her but I couldn’t, there was nothing I could do. It had been years since we first noticed the skin on her ankle starting to peel, how stupid could I have been to think nothing of it.

“Is there anything I can do to help, anything at all?” Even before the words left my mouth, I knew the answer to the question was no, but I wasn’t asking it to her. It was a prayer to god, no, more like a beg. Please, give me a sign, something I can do.

“P-pleease don’t leeeave… Jawwsh.” It shattered me that she would even think I might leave her.

“I won’t, Kayla, I promise.” I mustered. You could hear how much energy it took her to speak, to even ask for me to stay. I knew she would never get better but that didn’t matter, not even a little bit. She was still mine, she will always be mine, I will always be here for her.
“Food Jawsh.”

“Of course,” I smiled, “it’s coming right up.”

“Sit with me, for… while.” Her voice croaked.

“Yes, I-I would love to.” I turned to leave the room.

“Jaw?”

“Yes?”

“I lo-love you”

“I love you Kayla, so much.” It was the first time she said that in months.

Trying to stay strong for her, I headed out to the kitchen once more, ready to fill another bowl with worms. Nothing could ever take Kayla away from me, no disease, no deformity, she will always mean everything to me. That’s why I filled the bowl up to the brim with more meal-worms and walked back to the room. All I could focus on now was Kayla, not the sticky floor or any foul smell, I had to take care of her.

I set the bowl down in front of her, this time closer than I ever had before. From the darkness, she pulled herself forward once again, plunging her ruined hands into the bowl of writhing worms. I watched her feed, watched the skin continue to recede from her body and watched the worms disappear into her mouth. She was hungrier today. Hungrier than ever before. But that’s okay. I’ll be here when she needs more. I’ll always be here.

Credit: B.E. Hurla

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