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A Deal With The Devil



Estimated reading time — 3 minutes

Five months ago, I made a deal with the devil.

It sounds so dramatic, but it is so, so simple; and once you know how, it is hard not to.

But you must resist, for if you don’t, you will regret it later. Trust me on that.

First, a little something about me. I’m what you’d call a slacker, a slothful waster, or even a ‘bundle of disappointment’. That’s all anyone’s ever called me. I’ve made peace with that. Truth be told, these epithets have become more truly my friends than any other I’ve ever known, following me everywhere I go and in all things I do. But it does hurt sometimes, for I’m not without feelings of my own, and I have periodically been beset by resentment for these companions of mine.
It was in one of these periods of discontent that the devil approached me with his deal.

That’s what he always does, to all of his victims.

It’s been said before, more often than not on this very website, that when the devil approaches you, he’d affect a character that you’d immediately like and be impressed by. It’s absolutely true. When he first came to me, he seemed more than anything a dazzling showman brimming with charisma and a touch of ridiculousness, not unlike a circus clown.

I’m sorry I can’t be more dramatic, but the truth of the matter is, it happened when I was just sitting at home eating popcorn, and the details of the encounter are too hazy. (for reasons I’d rather not divulge: suffice it to say, I’ve found less than healthy ways to deal with my problems) I remember only two things: the first, an unearthly, unforgettable orange-golden glow emanating from his person, and the second, the indescribable hatred in his words, which seemed to dragged from a deep well of loathing and blinding rage hidden within him.

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His offer was simple: he asked of me only that I be a tether for him to this world, and to support him, however I felt, in all his endeavors. In return, he promised me (hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it) what I had always desired most from this world: to be known, talked about, and a subject of strong feeling among my peers. He was very outspoken about his plans, schemes of evil rarely witnessed before in the world, but I thought then that he was only posturing: surely he would never divulge his plans to a mere mortal. How foolish of me.

Each day, the burden in my heart grew heavier and heavier still, and beset by guilt, I began seeing him everywhere: when I watched TV, he would become one of the characters and spew his hatred and rage on all others; when I walked the streets, I would so often by ambushed by the bright orange glow that I had begun to dread as the very symbol of evil; I have spent the last five months evading him.

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And worse still, strangely, it is as if his aura clings to me; everywhere I go, I can feel eyes digging into my very self – disbelieving, disapproving eyes, more full of contempt and dislike than ever before: he offered me a chance to be noticed and felt strongly about – and he has given me that. But the deal is done: it can no longer be called off. I have but myself to blame for that.

But however bad any of these things are, none of them come quite close to the occasions I dread most – his meetings with me. He summons me at times when I least expect; he ambushes me with the sharpest weapons he possesses: his words. For hours on end, he would speak on about the most abhorrent matters imaginable – as I stood motionless and wide-eyed behind him, my lips parted in disbelief and disorientation, the orange-golden glow exuded by him piercing my eyes, he would unravel his dark plans for us, plans I don’t care to elaborate here.

Two weeks ago yesterday, all this came to a head. I have said before that he enjoys ambushing me at times when I had my guard down, and that day he unraveled the worst surprise he had for me: staring at me in five bold, short words from a piece of paper as white as chalk, was the ultimate denunciation and condemnation of all I had endured; the greatest and most heartbreaking disavowal I have ever encountered. Written in a nondescript, matter-of-fact way were the words:

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TRUMP PICKS VP MIKE PENCE

An authentic page from the diary of Chris Christie

Credit: Michael Orwell

Admin Note: Yes, it’s true that I usually keep parodypasta limited to April 1st – but this one is (hopefully) only relevant until November, so I hope everyone will forgive me for making an exception!

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16 thoughts on “A Deal With The Devil”

  1. Insane, I was actually thinking, “sounds like he’s talking about trump”, in my snarky internal voice and then Boosh! Love the subtle hint of the infernal orange-golden glow. Should’ve gotten something in there about the comb-over from hell. Seriously, trump is just awful.

  2. Thanks to all of you for your overwhelming response. This was in fact my first creepypasta, and now, with the appreciation I have received, and I think I may write more. Sorry for the delay in replying. I just saw this about fifteen minutes ago, and I still can’t believe it was published.

    Also, thanks to the site admin for bending the rules to give my work a chance. I’m deeply grateful for that, and will be more mindful of the rules from now on.

  3. Thanks for the appreciation, and sorry for the delay in replying. This was my first creepypasta, and I think that with response as good as this, I may write more.

    1. My first creepypasta, and I feel like such a jerk for not checking up to see if it was published so I could thank you guys for your amazing response.

    1. And to think that the ‘Based on a True Story’ tag may just hold true for it two months from now…

      Anyway, thanks for the positive response. And sorry for being so late to reply.

  4. It’s strange that I almost saw it coming. Not lying, I just felt if he’s talking about the devil, it must be about Trump.

    1. Well, I got a 6.7, and this is my first creepypasta, so I think that’s not too bad. Sorry for the delay in replying.

    1. Thanks for your appreciation. This is in fact my first creepypasta, and I wanted to start out with something funny and relevant. Sorry for not replying earlier. I’d almost forgotten about the story, wasn’t convinced it would be published, but I logged in today to check, and your positive response just made my day.

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