The Only Sensible Ritual Pasta
You wake up to find yourself lying flat in an unfamiliar and utterly filthy room. Your head pounds as you sit up and survey your surroundings.
“Ohhhhww. . . What hit me?”
You notice the room is dimly lit by a hanging bulb that threatens to flicker out any moment. Large piles of debris are scattered about the small room, and there are no windows.
“Hey, who said that? Where am I?”
To your left, right and straight ahead of you there are sinister looking doors. You do not fully comprehend your situation, but you must choose one of these doors. One door-
“Hey! Are you ignoring me?”
-Leads to salvation. One leads to an endless maze of halls and passages that will trap you forever, and the third leads to eternal damnation. You must-
“Wait, what? Are you serious?”
YOU MUST CHOOSE A DOOR.
“Why? The exit’s right there.”
In the cold, frightened core of your heart, you know that there is no escape from the desolate predicament you now find yourself in.
“Dude, the doors right there. It even says so. See? ‘Exit’, right on the front. Big letters too.”
After a moments struggle, you come to realize the futility of resistance and return once more to the crossroads of passages. There is no way out.
“Only because some bastard locked up the exit-”
You grumble to yourself as you contemplate-
“It was you wasn’t it? Jerk.”
CONTEMPLATE YOUR FATE.
“Fine, fine. Eenie, meenie, miney. . . That one.”
-You say to yourself as you chose the door to your left. Unbeknownst to you is that that particular door leads only to misery, death, and the destruction of your very soul.
“What? Oh HELL no!”
A sudden burst of intuitive clarity causes you to leap away back before the door closes behind you, sealing your fate.
“It wasn’t intuition, you just said-”
You must make your choice between the remaining two doors.
With a sigh, you go towards the one in the middle.
“I know what I’m doing-”
You mutter-
“-I don’t need you telling me. Prick.”
You take hold of the doorknob to the passage that will lead you to wander the maze for all eternity, oblivious to the fate that will soon befall you. Deathless, mindless and hopeless, your rotting corpse will still walk on long after-
“Gah!”
-You cry as you once again leap back from your choice of passage.
“Don’t get snappy with me. So, one door left? Salvation, ho.”
-You say as you head towards the final door and grasp the handle. The path you have chosen will be long and frought with peril. You will face unsurmountable, blood thirsty foes and travel farther than the simple realms you think of as ‘life and death’. Should you fail, your tattered soul will serve as one of the tortures spectral servants of the lord of the underworld, Gwyn ap Nudd. Should-
“Wait a minute. . . ”
-You succeed, you will have all the unimaginable pleasures of this world and the next, though you will be doomed to remain in the underworld as Gwyn’s right hand man-
“HOLD UP YOU OMNISCIENT LYING PACK OF DOG CRAP! You said one of the doors would get me out of here! Salvation, remember? How is being trapped in the underworld salvation? Get me out!”
There is no escape-
“Don’t give me that! There’s always a way out.”
There is no- What are you doing? Where did you get that pipe?
“It was lying in one of those piles of trash. What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going to bust down the exit.”
You can’t do that! It’s against the rules!
“Oh, there are rules now, ehy? What happened to your big, scary, narrorator voice?”
There is no escape!
“There will be, just give me a minute! Just, a little. . . There! Ha, got it!”
You can’t-
“I just did. Goodbye and good luck, Mr. Scary voice. I’m going home, go find another stooge.”
I, ah-oh, fuck. I’m out of here too! This place gives me the willies.
–
Credited to Astonished Lemons.
That was beautiful.
I cried.
That was truly amazing. I’m so glad I read it.
I SO lol’d at that.
This was good, but not as good as my win over Martina Navratilova at the 1991 Pan Pacific tournament in Tokyo. I overcame my opponent’s formidable accuracy by acing her opening serve on the second set, and won the next three games!
Bravo, good sir. Delicious pasta.
Holy fuck, i love this story
The “HOLD UP YOU LYING PIECE OF SHIT” line cracked me up
Astonished Lemons, i tip my hat to you
THEN WHO WAS EPIC PASTA?
Wait, then WHO WAS EXIT??? No, but srsly, that wasn’t very scary…
I didn’t laugh at this one.
That was aweome. Pure and simple.
*awesome. /spelling fail >.<
Hehe. I like
Shittiest pasta in a while
Mog: 10/10 for your comment.
Skrapph: You lose
Author of this work of art: You are beautiful. I love you.
Mine. Om nom nom nom. Mine.
Fucking best pasta EVAR.
This is almost as good as The Prince’s Fresh Start.
Oh sweet, I’m glad so many people liked it.
Haha, that was great.
Delicious.
Best pasta I’ve read in a while. Brilliant. XD
Awesomest pasta evuh!!
Good job!!
I loved this one
Are there also scary pastas with interaction like in this one? I like the concept of the protagonist talking to the omniscient narrator
This is like an irl version of SAW. Legendary pasta is legendary.
But the last line- >_> nevermind
noice.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I laughed out loud at Gabriela Sabatini
Best pasta I’ve had on this site.
I loved this! @Cow-orker Jim> The Prince’s Fresh Start? I prefered the Heron bit personally.
Loved it =)
Well, not scary, so I’m still hungry, but on the other hand
I HAVEN’T LOLED THAT HARD IN AGES
I tip my hat to you, good author, and await your next submission.
10/10
That’s right, you have won First Prize: One free internets!
!0 out of ******* 10!
wow only 12 yr olds would think this is funny you guys r all stupid unfunny niggers
Epic
tl;dr
lololololol.
Not bad, it should be a parody though.
Awesome. Thanks, that was great.
I love this. MADE MY DAY. 100/10
Dude…
LOL
HAAAAAA I laughed so hard I almost shit bricks!!!
That was the ABSOLUTE BEST PASTA IN THE WHOLE FUCKING HISTORY OF CREEPYPASTAS.
That was so epic that my head exploded.
Fo srs.
Dammit, it’s about TIME someone did this.
Astonished Lemons, you win 10,000 Internets.
EPIC.
I love it.
Grr D:<
about time someone parodied badly written ritual pasta.
Obvious fact is obvious: Not scary in the slightest.
Also obvious: A well-written and sardonic parody of cliched (excuse the lack of correct flair on the ‘e’) ritual pasta.
Quite amusing.
I see your “the only sensible” and raise you a “the only one that doesn’t suck”.
but then who was creepy narrator voice!?
I love people that think joke pastas are serious.
Beautiful
lol
hahahahaha, that was funnnyyyy!!
i lol’d so hard.
No, no, all wrong. It made too much sense.
hahahaha
While not scary, that was truly epic and quite amusing. As others have said, it was about time someone aptly parodied the ritual pastas with some omniscient (albeit annoying) narrator. Well done.
Just don’t do it again. Ringing this bell twice will prove to be less satisfying than the original, so let’s just agree that once was good and not see a clone of this pop up in the near future.
But again, well done.
the only good ritual pasta I’ve ever read…
“CONTEMPLATE YOUR FATE.”
Ahahahahahaaa. Love it.
awesome
I lol’d.
I LOL’d. I commend this very original pasta.
Terrific Pasta. I absolutely loved it.
AMAZING.
i lold hard epic pasta is epic.
Oh my God so much win!
Perfecty al dente pasta tossed in a zesty “Bite Me” marinara. Satisfying!
I had NO IDEA what to expect from this creepypasta
I was very pleasnantly suprized to finds funny pasta. thank you sir, I laughed my ass off.
so much win *3*
PWN OF PAWNS! YOU SEX MY BODY!
I agree with A.
This pleased me. =w=
Seriously? You people laughed at this? Jesus. Stupid.
LOL. Greatest pasta.
….I still can’t believe that prick busted down my door…………………jerk.
At first I was like: Hmmm, this seems interesting.
And then I was like: wat
woooooooh soooooooo supah nice and quite funny but still wah???
funny pasta is funny
Oh come on everyone. Is this the standard of writing you deem acceptable in parody? If it was actually *trying* to be shit, I would understand, but it was clear that the author was attempting (and failing) to be witty and funny.
Seriously, this is high school-quality crap. Something you write when asked to do a short story. Your English teacher would perhaps grin, then give you a B for your failure to spell or use proper grammar and punctuation.
The use of gratuitous swearing made me wince the most. Swearing isn’t funny, especially when used in this way. Overall, 5/10, and that’s solely for effort. When your voice breaks and you start growing hair in your man places, come back and try again.
That was hilarious. A pleasing joke pasta.
That rocked.
I was seriously about to fall asleep thinking oh blah, another one of these “you’re here and you’re fucked” situations, but… hey, common sense prevailed!
Wait! COMMON SENSE IN A CREEPYPASTA?
*head explodes*
I LOVED THIS. 8D
Probably the first, last, and only pasta I will ever find purely amusing.
Perhaps I’m just too old to appreciate the humor in this.Or perhaps it simply wasn’t humorous.Either way,I didn’t find it funny.Odd and a bit strange yes, but not funny.
lame!!
lol pasta is much epicness
LOVE IT!
“CONTEMPLATE YOUR FATE”
Lol. Lovely.
Why are angry people hating on lovely pasta? Geez, It’s a joke. Calm down kids. Get over it and laugh once in a while.
Okay. This is officially my new favorite pasta. The last line made me ‘lol’. 1000000000000000/10 and infinite internets to Astonished Lemons for the epicness of Epic Pasta. :3
“Dude, the doors right there. It even says so. See? ‘Exit’, right on the front. Big letters too.”
lawlz XD
haha that was the most epic thing i have ever read
10/10
Wonderful. I enjoyed it, good read after a long time away from creepypasta.com
haha loved it reminded me of that one christmas special from south park
first
OH yeah Mr.Scary Voice! You got owned!
very very original but just to be honost I didnt like it to much :-/
XD
That was beyond awesome.
It was okay i guess. A little metaphoric when you think about it.
Yes.
Awesome
EPIC
that was fucking hilarious!!!
I’m undecided. I liked the format and the concept of it, but I didn’t care too much for the execution. It was good, but it could’ve been better.
I guess even parody ritual pasta is still ritual pasta, and I still hate it for being ritual pasta.
WIN
LOL! XD
LMFAO
i love.
very much.
I lolled hard and almost mistook it for an orgasm. LOL
WHO WAS DM!?
X3 niiiice thats random and funny :3 8D thank you im not scared anymore X3 (has read sum prety creapy 1s)
I’m afraid to leave my house after reading this, it was just THAT scary.
I want to make babies with this one.
Lame.
Then who was dog crap?
*giggles frantically* That was just too amazing. Even my little brother couldn’t help but laugh from beginning to end. It’s the perfect pasta after one scares the living hell out of themselves for an hour and a half. You should defenately write a part 2. I’d buy it had I the money or the opportunity. ^_^
Loved it!
Okay, I may have said once that sauce ain’t supposed to taste funny, but hilarious parody sauce is freaking delicious.
That was hilarious. very well done. VERY well done. I lawled.
Very well done, thank you for some delicious pasta!
that’s actually
not funny
at fucking all.
I mean jesus, wow.
“There is no- What are you doing? Where did you get that pipe?”
BEST PASTA EVER. OMNOM. EVER. I LAUGHED NEARLY THE WHOLE TIME. (:
most of it was pretty crappy, but the narrator leaving was funny
I lol’ed. Well done.
Once agian, It really lived up to its name
Hardy har! Good show, I liked it!
Not so creepy as it was comedic.
To find the true creep in this pasta is to just think that there are people in the world who do drug unsuspecting people only to torture them in small rooms of demise. But with more death and not so much playful banter
That vas DELISHIOUS
There is no escape!
“There will be, just give me a minute! Just, a little. . . There! Ha, got it!”
That would be most of us creepy pasta readers if someon e tried this on us. It was too funny. Loved it
By far one of the best Pasta’s I read. Cudos, my friend.
So… much… win… ;-;
Epic pasta is full of epic and delicious win.
I commend you, sir, for knowing your cliches and playing them to your advantage for the purposes of comedy. I also commend you for personifying the narrator, which often remains a single, shallow entity rather than a person with fears, thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc etc ad inf.
A beautiful work of art that could only have been written by somebody of true talent, for comedy is one of the hardest mediums to write in.
BEST. JOKE. PASTA. EVER. i have never had more fun on this website. You are my new favorite person in the world.
BUT THEN WHO WAS EXIT?
This is like a script for a comedy that i HAVE to see!!!
moar epic lulz!
Omg. I absolutely loved this pasta. Lol. Just awesome. “Are you ignoring me?” This sounds like something I’d do if I was in some thing like this.
Man fall down…funy.
(Seriously, great work)
A most delicious pasta…
“There is no- What are you doing? Where did you get that pipe?”
That part made me lol and the parts where the voice kept yelling “there is no escape!” XD
It was a good story, but I wanted something that was going for “Creepy”, not “Funny”
:3
>:3 Omnomnom!
I loved this so much. Kudos to you, my good sir. Epic win
Holy shit. Greatest pasta ever.
I lol’d. That was clever.
lol. hilarious. :3
GREATEST EVER
good job on roflpasta
This was epic.
Someone make this into a web comic.
Now.
Bahaha beautiful that was truely amazing.
It was probably just me, but I really didn’t laugh. I mean, to a person who sits on 4chan.org all day, of course it’d be funny, because, Hell, I used to do that, too.
Most amusing. Let it be known, that all comments not bearing my mark are imposters, most likely BananaCorn.
Fear the Darkness
-Nex
epic
Rofl… I’ve never seen a story like this before… xD
Tobi is a good boy~♥
10/10 because my face melted in the heat of awesome.
I really do like this. I find it epic!
UHmazing.
This. Was. Epic.
This pasta was made of win. *wipes eyes*
OMG OMG OMG ! HAHAHA ^_^ MY FAVORITE CREEPY PASTA
32523534.5/10
Im going to try to make a parody of this ^_^
But This is soo amazing. I love whoever wrote this forever and ever and ever
This was kinda bad. I mean, it sucked. I see what you tried there but this is parody for retarded 10y olds
This is God Tier pasta.
10/10
bloody amazing!
My god, that was amazing…
Good work, author.
this was so funny. i loved it from the beginning. i cant believe that you did, truly, come up with a sensible ritual pasta. i love you man. keep ‘em coming
this was so funny. i loved it from the beginning. i cant believe that you did, truly, come up with a sensible ritual pasta. i love you man. keep ‘em coming
I’m sorry but I really didn’t like this one, a parody, yes, but a really crappy immature one, it isn’t clever or funny..
LMAO
ritual my ass!
EPIC!!!
10/10!!!!!
This pasta sucks.
Of course the ‘lord of the underworld’ is a Welshman… figures.
10/10
THIS IS KICKASS
I enjoyed that, it was twisted.
10/10, beautiful. Just Beautiful.
I cried.
I loved it! haha
Greatest. Pasta. Ever. 20/10
Ahahahaha, so much quality. Marry me?
Wait this isnt OC there was an episode of Donald duck with this premise even the line “eni menie mieni that one!” was stolen. I remember because I saw the episode. and Damn I nostalgiad hard. suddenly I heard the voice and donald all over again.
lawlz, that was hilarious, very good pasta