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The Only Sensible Ritual Pasta

Estimated reading time — 3 minutes

You wake up to find yourself lying flat in an unfamiliar and utterly filthy room. Your head pounds as you sit up and survey your surroundings.

“Ohhhhww. . . What hit me?”

You notice the room is dimly lit by a hanging bulb that threatens to flicker out any moment. Large piles of debris are scattered about the small room, and there are no windows.

“Hey, who said that? Where am I?”

To your left, right and straight ahead of you there are sinister looking doors. You do not fully comprehend your situation, but you must choose one of these doors. One door-

“Hey! Are you ignoring me?”

-Leads to salvation. One leads to an endless maze of halls and passages that will trap you forever, and the third leads to eternal damnation. You must-

“Wait, what? Are you serious?”


“Why? The exit’s right there.”

In the cold, frightened core of your heart, you know that there is no escape from the desolate predicament you now find yourself in.

“Dude, the doors right there. It even says so. See? ‘Exit’, right on the front. Big letters too.”

After a moments struggle, you come to realize the futility of resistance and return once more to the crossroads of passages. There is no way out.

“Only because some bastard locked up the exit-”

You grumble to yourself as you contemplate-

“It was you wasn’t it? Jerk.”


“Fine, fine. Eenie, meenie, miney. . . That one.”

-You say to yourself as you chose the door to your left. Unbeknownst to you is that that particular door leads only to misery, death, and the destruction of your very soul.

“What? Oh HELL no!”

A sudden burst of intuitive clarity causes you to leap away back before the door closes behind you, sealing your fate.

“It wasn’t intuition, you just said-”

You must make your choice between the remaining two doors.


With a sigh, you go towards the one in the middle.


“I know what I’m doing-”

You mutter-

“-I don’t need you telling me. Prick.”

You take hold of the doorknob to the passage that will lead you to wander the maze for all eternity, oblivious to the fate that will soon befall you. Deathless, mindless and hopeless, your rotting corpse will still walk on long after-


-You cry as you once again leap back from your choice of passage.

“Don’t get snappy with me. So, one door left? Salvation, ho.”

-You say as you head towards the final door and grasp the handle. The path you have chosen will be long and frought with peril. You will face unsurmountable, blood thirsty foes and travel farther than the simple realms you think of as ‘life and death’. Should you fail, your tattered soul will serve as one of the tortures spectral servants of the lord of the underworld, Gwyn ap Nudd. Should-

“Wait a minute. . . ”

-You succeed, you will have all the unimaginable pleasures of this world and the next, though you will be doomed to remain in the underworld as Gwyn’s right hand man-

HOLD UP YOU OMNISCIENT LYING PACK OF DOG CRAP! You said one of the doors would get me out of here! Salvation, remember? How is being trapped in the underworld salvation? Get me out!”


There is no escape-

“Don’t give me that! There’s always a way out.”

There is no- What are you doing? Where did you get that pipe?

“It was lying in one of those piles of trash. What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going to bust down the exit.”

You can’t do that! It’s against the rules!

“Oh, there are rules now, ehy? What happened to your big, scary, narrorator voice?”

There is no escape!

“There will be, just give me a minute! Just, a little. . . There! Ha, got it!”

You can’t-

I just did. Goodbye and good luck, Mr. Scary voice. I’m going home, go find another stooge.”

I, ah-oh, fuck. I’m out of here too! This place gives me the willies.

Credited to Astonished Lemons.

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Copyright Statement: Unless explicitly stated, all stories published on are the property of (and under copyright to) their respective authors, and may not be narrated or performed under any circumstance.

333 thoughts on “The Only Sensible Ritual Pasta”

  1. Too dang good!!! Also you deserve to flip if cliches for this!! Please tell me if you have any others that I can read.

  2. SO late to the party that it is ridiculous, BUT,!!!!!!! I think this is my FaVoriTe PaStA EVER!!!!!!! I’m can’t EvEn cOnRrOL the sHiFt keY?

  3. The Thunder Alchemist

    This was a perfect balance of beauty and scariness. Someone give this guy an award. This is the best pasta I’ve ever seen.

  4. That was the best pasta EVER! I love how the character that’s supposed to be you is a smarta$$ the whole time to the narrator. I had flashbacks to the Stanley Parable

  5. All of you have the sense of humor of a child.. this “pasta” does not deserves such a high place on the ranking.

    For any further response against me, you shoud know I wont be reading this page again so stick it as deep as you can into your ass..

    Found a grammar mistake in my comment? Surprise this is not my native language.

  6. This is……..this…’s just… I, I love it. XD

    I am adding this to favourites X)

    This thing is just lead-pipe hilarious!

    I rate this 8/10!

    Grim Gamer

    P.S My right eye is red, my left eye is blue, I am a gamer and you should be too!

  7. THen the girl with the messed up iPod loved the story and gave it 10 stars.

    Me: aww man now you’ve got me doing it !!!!

    Me: :(

  8. i know a ritual to get into the shadow realm.

    p.s. kazejin is my real name i am the god of wind also a part of the gate gaurdian.

  9. I litterally jumped at the end what a twist man! Great story and FANTASTICALLY written, Edgar Allen Poe would have looked at this and died because he couldn’t have made a better poem. 8654032305434956457.47354234/0

  10. What the fuck did I just read?

    I’m assuming that was meant to be funny, ’cause everyone’s going ‘LOL THAT WAS HILARIOUS’…

    I must be missing something…. because I thought it was fucking retarded.

  11. first of all, you SPELL like a 12 year old. second of all, you better be black, because if you aren’t, you better watch yourself.

  12. Beautiful. It almost made me cry. Out of laughter. This was A-MAZ-ING! I love how the character just broke the Fourth Wall down- or more like the Scary Voice gave it away.

  13. at first i thought it was like a trance but then i kept reading it and by the time i was finished, the inner me was LAUGHING ITS FUCKING ASS OF

  14. i thought it was funny, Almost all of the stories on Creepypasta arent very good so it was nice to a decent. I liked the style of. Cool pasta.

  15. that one guy you saw on the bus that turned out to be a murderer

    this made me laugh! i want to post one like that but i dont want to be copying you. haha hope you make more.

  16. “Well, that pasta was quite tasty. Not very creepy but funny. It makes sense.”

    You start to type o-

    “Woah, woah, what? The big, scary narrator voice is real!?”

    -ut your comment. You’re in a medium-sized room on your bed, laying down, with your laptop in front of you. The rest of the room has 2 windows, another bed, a third bed which your brother is napping on and a desktop for said brother.

    “I know how my room looks like. Just let me type my comment in peace!”

    You see one door. The door is locke-

    “The door doesn’t even have a lock.”

    THE DOOR IS LOCKED NOW. The door is locked and you have no esca-

    “I have 2 windows, neither of which have locks.”

    Everything in the room is now locked, d-bag. AS I WAS SAYING, you have absolutely no escape besides the secret tunnel under your bed. You’ve known about it since you were 7 and used it to get out o-

    “What tunnel? The hell?”

    -f your room when necessary. But now, said-hey! WAIT! DON’T LEAVE THE ROOM! PLEASE! DON’T DO IT! *sigh* As you leave the room, you leave this one last comment.

    “What a weirdo. 7/10.”

  17. generic_placebo

    winning pasta is made of WIN!

    …and winning is not a reference to mister i’m-made-of-tiger-shite-attention-whore sheen. erm, i mean charlie. total typo. the keys are like, right next to each other. *cough* yeah, i’m done now.

  18. Yummy pasta! Now you’ve given me the idea to make this into a short movie! With your permission of course! :)

  19. This was a pretty good 1 minute read. A clever parody of badly written fail rituals. There\’s one thing though; not of the written piece, but the readers.\’s pretty, no, really sad if you actually laughed out loud to this.

  20. This was a pretty good 1 minute read. A clever parody of badly written fail rituals. There’s one thing though; not of the written piece, but the readers.’s pretty, no, really sad if you actually laughed out loud to this.

  21. omg that was hilarious! i really do like scary pastas but sometimes you really need a good laugh in there :D
    om nom nom nom

  22. Only discovered this site recently.
    When I found it, I thought I had found a nice source of scary/creepy stories. Instead I get memes, parodies and stories full of cliches from mediocre authors.

    Out of the 8 I’ve read, only one could be considered ‘decent’.

    No need to reply, kids. I’m getting out of your sandbox now… or am I? DUN DUN DUN! So scary!

  23. Wait this isnt OC there was an episode of Donald duck with this premise even the line “eni menie mieni that one!” was stolen. I remember because I saw the episode. and Damn I nostalgiad hard. suddenly I heard the voice and donald all over again.

  24. I’m sorry but I really didn’t like this one, a parody, yes, but a really crappy immature one, it isn’t clever or funny..

  25. This was kinda bad. I mean, it sucked. I see what you tried there but this is parody for retarded 10y olds



    Im going to try to make a parody of this ^_^
    But This is soo amazing. I love whoever wrote this forever and ever and ever :D

  27. Most amusing. Let it be known, that all comments not bearing my mark are imposters, most likely BananaCorn.

    Fear the Darkness


  28. It was probably just me, but I really didn’t laugh. I mean, to a person who sits on all day, of course it’d be funny, because, Hell, I used to do that, too.

  29. “There is no- What are you doing? Where did you get that pipe?”

    That part made me lol and the parts where the voice kept yelling “there is no escape!” XD

    It was a good story, but I wanted something that was going for “Creepy”, not “Funny”

  30. Epic pasta is full of epic and delicious win.

    I commend you, sir, for knowing your cliches and playing them to your advantage for the purposes of comedy. I also commend you for personifying the narrator, which often remains a single, shallow entity rather than a person with fears, thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc etc ad inf.

    A beautiful work of art that could only have been written by somebody of true talent, for comedy is one of the hardest mediums to write in.

  31. There is no escape!

    “There will be, just give me a minute! Just, a little. . . There! Ha, got it!”

    That would be most of us creepy pasta readers if someon e tried this on us. It was too funny. Loved it

  32. Hardy har! Good show, I liked it!

    Not so creepy as it was comedic.

    To find the true creep in this pasta is to just think that there are people in the world who do drug unsuspecting people only to torture them in small rooms of demise. But with more death and not so much playful banter

  33. “There is no- What are you doing? Where did you get that pipe?”


  34. Nightmare Fuel Drinker

    Okay, I may have said once that sauce ain’t supposed to taste funny, but hilarious parody sauce is freaking delicious.

  35. *giggles frantically* That was just too amazing. Even my little brother couldn’t help but laugh from beginning to end. It’s the perfect pasta after one scares the living hell out of themselves for an hour and a half. You should defenately write a part 2. I’d buy it had I the money or the opportunity. ^_^

  36. Awsum Random Person O' Death

    X3 niiiice thats random and funny :3 8D thank you im not scared anymore X3 (has read sum prety creapy 1s)

  37. I’m undecided. I liked the format and the concept of it, but I didn’t care too much for the execution. It was good, but it could’ve been better.

    I guess even parody ritual pasta is still ritual pasta, and I still hate it for being ritual pasta.

  38. Okay. This is officially my new favorite pasta. The last line made me ‘lol’. 1000000000000000/10 and infinite internets to Astonished Lemons for the epicness of Epic Pasta. :3

  39. Lol. Lovely.

    Why are angry people hating on lovely pasta? Geez, It’s a joke. Calm down kids. Get over it and laugh once in a while.

  40. Perhaps I’m just too old to appreciate the humor in this.Or perhaps it simply wasn’t humorous.Either way,I didn’t find it funny.Odd and a bit strange yes, but not funny.

  41. That rocked.

    I was seriously about to fall asleep thinking oh blah, another one of these “you’re here and you’re fucked” situations, but… hey, common sense prevailed!


    *head explodes*

  42. Oh come on everyone. Is this the standard of writing you deem acceptable in parody? If it was actually *trying* to be shit, I would understand, but it was clear that the author was attempting (and failing) to be witty and funny.

    Seriously, this is high school-quality crap. Something you write when asked to do a short story. Your English teacher would perhaps grin, then give you a B for your failure to spell or use proper grammar and punctuation.

    The use of gratuitous swearing made me wince the most. Swearing isn’t funny, especially when used in this way. Overall, 5/10, and that’s solely for effort. When your voice breaks and you start growing hair in your man places, come back and try again.

  43. Sir Shoop Whoopington

    I had NO IDEA what to expect from this creepypasta
    I was very pleasnantly suprized to finds funny pasta. thank you sir, I laughed my ass off.

  44. While not scary, that was truly epic and quite amusing. As others have said, it was about time someone aptly parodied the ritual pastas with some omniscient (albeit annoying) narrator. Well done.

    Just don’t do it again. Ringing this bell twice will prove to be less satisfying than the original, so let’s just agree that once was good and not see a clone of this pop up in the near future.

    But again, well done.

  45. Obvious fact is obvious: Not scary in the slightest.

    Also obvious: A well-written and sardonic parody of cliched (excuse the lack of correct flair on the ‘e’) ritual pasta.

    Quite amusing.

  46. Well, not scary, so I’m still hungry, but on the other hand


    I tip my hat to you, good author, and await your next submission.


    That’s right, you have won First Prize: One free internets!
    !0 out of ******* 10!

  47. I loved this one :D

    Are there also scary pastas with interaction like in this one? I like the concept of the protagonist talking to the omniscient narrator :)

    1. That was by far the best thing I’ve read on this website so far… I mean, that was seriously absolutely hilarious, and I couldn’t stop laughing the entire time I read it. Thank you SOOO much for you mind!…You’re parents are awesome people.

    2. And yet it has a rating of 9.2 from over a thousand people. That, my good sir, is not a shitty pasta.

        1. As shadow_911 comments about someone having bad grammar, he has no better grammar as the guy he was talking to.

  48. Holy fuck, i love this story
    The “HOLD UP YOU LYING PIECE OF SHIT” line cracked me up
    Astonished Lemons, i tip my hat to you

  49. Gabriela Sabatini

    This was good, but not as good as my win over Martina Navratilova at the 1991 Pan Pacific tournament in Tokyo. I overcame my opponent’s formidable accuracy by acing her opening serve on the second set, and won the next three games!

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