Seriously?
A man and woman walked out of the bank, hand in hand. This might be a normal thing for anyone, maybe even you. But not for her.
The man made a typical, throwaway remark about their lunch plans. Under usual circumstances, this would just be interpreted as a feeble attempt to incite lightheartedness into the conversation. But not for her.
With a quick, agile movement, the woman, his wife, picked up a slab of concrete by the sidewalk and, with great aim, hit two doves perched on a low-hanging branch. They fell, like two pathetic white balloons. As soon as they hit the ground, his wife beat them to a pulp-she could see that they were still breathing. And her husband knew that he fucked up again.
Some passerby began to stare openly at the horrible sight of two bashed birds.
“Linda!” Her husband yelled. “Stop it!”
“I thought we were going to kill two birds with one stone?” She replied, in a voice of unnatural calm. Her face gazed up at him from the ground, stoic and rigid, like some dread mask.
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
She had a certain….well, mental illness is a bit of a euphemism. Let’s just say she had a disability. A serious and rare one. Linda could not understand the difference between jokes and imperatives. She took every figure of speech she heard seriously, and was often compelled to make whatever it was into an actuality. Her husband recalled, one point, when she nearly pushed him out the window, when, in light of the recent resignation of his business partner, he remarked that he was in fact flying solo. Linda wasn’t always dangerous, though. Sometimes, he’d go home only to find her giggling like a little girl at the sight of milk on the floor. Or maybe even staring out windows during rainy evenings to see whether any cats and/or dogs were to be found falling from the sky. But then came the times when she would get harmful. Only last month, the pediatrician living in the apartment next to theirs got pelted with apples and other fruits. Poor woman nearly tripped down the stairs. This other time, an event which still scared him up to now, she shoved in his hands a bit of her bloody scalp, saying it was a piece of her mind. She had to wear a bonnet whenever she had to get out of the house after that. In spite of all this strange and violent behavior, he still loved his wife very much and could not bear to send her away to a mental hospital.
His mistake.
He became very careful around what she would see or hear coming from anybody since the episode with the birds. Much to his joy, a year and a half passed without much incident, and their firstborn child was soon to come. It was good, since the coming of a baby took their minds off whatever financial problems they had.
He was away when it happened. After he heard that child was born, he rushed back home.
As soon as he stepped through that door, he knew something was wrong. His wife was calling him from the kitchen. In her arms was the son he could never know.
In the light of their kitchen, lain on the table, were the remains of the baby, their baby. Its mouth was stretched open to such a degree that it split open, the underside of its jaws seen. It reminded him of a tear in cloth, the seams not made of fabric but of flesh. What little blood the baby had to spare was everywhere. In response to his child’s grotesquely expanded mouth, his father’s jaw fell open in surprise and terror and disgust, threatening to do the same. A scream tried to come out, but it did not.
Forcibly thrust into the gaping hole that was a baby’s mouth, was his wife’s forearm. She seemed to be trying to claw something out of the-
As soon as his wife spotted him, she turned in his direction, bloody baby still stuck on her arm.
“You have to help me! The doctor said he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth!”
//
Credited to Truncheon
Owwwwh it had SO MUCH potential! But the ending was just ok…
Fantastic pasta! Delicious right up to the O SHI- moment at the end!
This is so gross….I love it.
Ha, that made me giggle. I love figures of speech twice as much now!
This was charming, clever, funny with just a touch of creepy. It’s pretty good. Fun to read.
“She had a certain….well, mental illness is a bit of a euphemism. Let’s just say she had a disability. A serious and rare one. Linda could not understand the difference between jokes and imperatives.”
That’s not a thing.
It seems that a lot of pastas recently have been created on the philosophy that no matter how poorly written it is, it will be creepy if a dead child is involved somehow.
Ahem, First, The Game,
Also, joke pasta is average,but baby violence makes me sick.
My mind started running through baby sayings as soon as I read that she’d given birth. I was guessing it would be something about throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so silver spoon was nicely unexpected.
Gore was ok. The rest of it was meh. Not very creepy. But still, kinda fun to read.
I read this story to my dog and my dog died.
Barely average at best, not the least bit creepy, poorly written.
… The fuck? Seriously? how does this crap get on here and some of the brilliant work on the forums get kept off? That was pathetic. Where’s Josef K when we need him?
The only creepy part was the wonder of what the Hell could have caused her to be so rabid… after that it wasn’t very creepy. Just morbid.
Ewwwwwww……
truncheon, what the fuck man
I like it! It’s not exactly scary, but I think the idea itself has a LOT of potential. Maybe it’s not creepypasta material– but you could build a successful feature film out of this, I think.
That dog is not so shaggy!
Anyway; putting a horrible ending at the end of a humorous story doesn’t really make it creepy. It was still kind of funny in a twisted way, though.
@Lolwut Actually it is, it’s one of the common symptoms of asbergers syndrome.
“It was good, since the coming of a baby took their minds off whatever financial problems they had”
how, then, could the baby have been born with a silver spoon in its mouth?
i agree withcooler. every time a baby dies in a story it makes me want to go shoot someone.
Take the description of gore out and this is a joke. It’s not creepy at all. Don’t get me wrong, I like it. I kinda lol’d at the end. Hopefully that’s what the writer had in mind. If so, 7/10. Not bad at all.
It’s just as well. Sooner or later she would have thrown the baby out with the bathwater anyway.
BUT WHO WAS THE SPOON?
I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. Any way, I give it a 5/10
Average-ish
Very nice pasta. :3
-cue comical trombone-
THEN WHO WAS FIGURE OF SPEECH?
Meh…..It had potential if it hadn’t been executed like a fourth-grade Halloween assignment. It was just really bland and predictable. Lol my wife take everything srsly, isn’t that scary and dangerous guize? As soon as I saw the word baby it was obvious she was going to kill it in some ironic, cleverly worded way. Okay pasta was okay.
This was kinda weird, but just disgusted me at the end. I thought this site was about “Creepy”pastas, not “DISGUSTO”pastas.
Also, ass-burgers.
I saw this one on the forums awhile back, and its not half bad, I’ll grant you that. But I know for a fact that there are several VASTLY BETTER stories on the forums at this very moment (“Crawl” for example) and I can’t understand why this story made it to the main page before those other ones did.
LOL
I think this could’ve been shortened to a bite sized creepy pasta.
@ lolwut: I believe it could be “a thing”. Not necessarily a mental illness, or any specific disorder, but someone cannot simply understand when something is said in jest, and takes everything literally. Could even be a part of a spectrum of autism, but I’m not a doctor so I wouldn’t know.
Anyway, baby death makes me sad. And it doesn’t make since about the “silver spoon”, since earlier the father alluded to financial problems.
Even if it /was/ born with a silver spoon in it’s mouth, why would she a) think it would still be there and b) feel the need to tear the baby apart just to get something worth like 30 bucks?
I laughed at the end.
lol@people whining about dead babies. i don’t think any of you realize where creepypasta originally came from.
Muffy did it better.
Also, that was fucking boring and unoriginal.
“I believe it could be ‘a thing’. Not necessarily a mental illness, or any specific disorder, but someone cannot simply understand when something is said in jest, and takes everything literally. Could even be a part of a spectrum of autism, but I’m not a doctor so I wouldn’t know.”
But it isn’t.
There hasn’t been any good pasta in a few months it seems
Dead baby. SHOCK VALUE. OMG SO CREEPY
Actually, it’s mostly just poor taste in poor fashion. You could have picked one of a thousand sayings to kill off an infant child in the story, and you chose the silver spoon, which is fine, but I just don’t see anything clever, creepy, or even appealing about this story.
I lawled
Am I the only one who thought choosing the saying about a silver spoon was stupid? There are plenty others that would’ve been funnier.
They tried to hard to be edgy I think
First off… *waves at VH*
How long has this been on the forums, anyway?
Not a big fan of it. But good job Trunch.
Whats funnier than one dead baby?
TWO dead babies!!! using that logic this pasta seems to be missing somthing.
Its strange. Some usernames that I saw in the comments liked it before but did not like it now, while some that called it meh suddenly liked it.
@ those who found it somewhat funny: I really did not intend this to be all that creepy. The humor was intentional. I did this for lols.
I’ve never heard the expression ‘born with a silver spoon in his mouth’.
Good concept but very predictable, soooo 6/10.
Not my taste. I didn’t find it “creepy” at all more just silly.
THEN WHO WAS BIRDS?
Nah, this wasn’t creepy.
Just a bit squick. Dead babies are not fun.
Her disease was so comical that I couldn’t take the creepy pasta seriously. It just reminded me of the old cartoons where they would hit two birds with a stone or something and then remark the saying.
“@Lolwut Actually it is, it’s one of the common symptoms of asbergers syndrome.”
She doesn’t have asperger’s. The story claims that her condition is EXTREME naiveness (which isn’t a work, but whatever).
Again, that’s not a thing.
that was about as scary as a cute goddamn puppy.
I read Amelia Badelia when I was little too.
0 for originality.
dead baby ololol. 7/10 for predictable pasta.
Haha, that was original, I’ll give it that.
Ah well. It was worth a try.
And whale raep’s comment made me lol so hard.
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmeeeeee.
And as a psychology major I have about 26000 problems with the premise of this story, scientifically illiterate as hell.
20 points to Ohai for the Amelia Bedelia reference. That was excellent.
I thought she would be taking the baby apart looking for snips and snails and puppy dog’s tails.
Everyone saying it doesn’t hold up to RL scientific rigor…SUSPENSION OF BELIEF MOTHERFUCKERS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND IT??? No wonder you make those comments though, I guess the shit has to come out the other end when your anus is tight enough to stop a bullet
Lauralot-I thought it was going to be ‘bouncing baby boy’ metaphor.
@ Psychological Anon:
I did not intend for her condition to be an ACTUAL mental affliction. Just a disability stemming from unknown sources.
Or maybe I’m just too lazy to open up a book about brains. Meh, either way.
Yeah, everyone who complains this creepypasta isn’t scientifically accurate, that’s probably because it’s a creepy story on the internet that isn’t meant to be written by a psychologist? You must have interesting tastes in reading.
Pretty good, kind of like a psychotic Goosebumps story. It might seem like a cheap move, but I think the dead baby thing was used in a genuinely creepy way, not just for straight shock value.
Eh, not so much. The kinda just reads out as a really long winded joke with a horrible punchline to me. 4/10
xD
Nothing more can be said c:
10/10
To Anon boo-hooing about suspension of belief. That’s the whole fucking problem you tool, this story shatters that.
I’m with the anon who mentioned how the “silver spoon” plot device makes no sense in light of the aforementioned “financial problems.” IMO it actually killed the resolution.
I swear to God, I was going to say Amelia Badelia, curse you Ohai for beating me to it. You win awesome points.
I do like the idea though. I always DID wonder what would happen if Amelia Badelia got too bad with her seriousness.
–Char Mander
The formatting in this piece is terrible. I find the end result suffers because of this. Seriously, even out your goddamn paragraphs a bit.
@ Char Mander and Ohai
YES.
I couldn’t think of her name, and I knew it rhymed…
Thank you.
I LOL’d hard.
But dead babies are hilarious D:
The stupid thing is, why would she do that, she would, I’m guessing, have a sense of right and wrong and know that she shouldn’t kill things for no reason and even though she had that disability she would probably ask if the person was serious or not.
And for the lolz:
What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon
One’s fun to smash with a hammer…the other is a watermelon
The baby is disgusting, and the pasta is too.
Josef K turns to writing philosci-fi and this is what we get left with.
Hmm, very interesting and original concept. I really liked this. Will eat again.
Oh mama. You so silly! 8/10
What’s next, furious George?
That was terrible, 3/10.
Also, faggots referring to stories as actual pasta are fucking retarded. Please quit posting
This makes no sense what-so-ever. I mean, even if she didn’t understand figures of speech, she wouldn’t go and tear her baby apart. So there had got to be something else wrong with her anyways, which kind of makes this whole story just… dumb.
Man, that was fucking fantastic
….I admit. i laughed at the end XD
7/10
I must admit, I somewhat enjoyed this one only because of the wife. The gore, the baby, none of it struck me as very clever, but there was something about the idea of this woman and this man’s situation, that was entertaining to read.
like people have said, as soon as a baby was mentioned it was obvious she’d do somethig to it. i was expecting ‘good enough to eat’ though, so caught at least a little off guard.
Eh… I just couldn’t get into it. Some things taken literally may have consequences like that, like the one with the birds, but get real, even if someone was that way, it doesn’t mean they’re illogical, just incapable of taking things outside of their literal meanings. If I took everything literally and a doctor told me that but I could very plainly see that my child was okay and that no one seemed worried at all, the next logical step in my thought process would be to assume that the doctor removed the spoon at birth. You see? I also wouldn’t kill my child trying to fix it…
it makes me sick just thinking about it o_O
rofl what the hell?!?
This one just splits my sides. I can’t stand to keep a straight face. It tickles my funny bone. I haven’t seen something so knee-slapping funny in a coon’s age.
Don’t kill me, crazy woman.
Sounds like she had a major case of the ‘spergs.
But her “condition” doesn’t explain how she was able to also be so violent and not think “oh wait, this is sick and twisted”.
Sounds like she had a major case of the ‘spergs.
But her “condition” doesn’t explain how she was able to also be so violent and not think “oh wait, this is sick and twisted”.
@stranger: Very true. Or maybe consider the doctor was wrong. But I certainly wouldn’t stick my hand down the kid’s THROAT when it was only meant to be in his mouth.
Looks like she didn’t take things entirely literally after all.
Fail.
Man, I don’t know if it’s because I just had a son, but this shit turned my stomach at the end.
Seriously? Who says ‘born with a silver spoon in his mouth’ any more?
wow good pasta,,,at that moment of seeing that sight ,,,i think i might faint but hopefully not,,,i dont want to know what she would do to me lol
Huh…. I don’t know.
I guess it’s kind of clever and it isn’t poorly written, but the ending just really grossed me out.
Baby violence is a really delicate thing, and it is nearly ALWAYS something that is best left to the imagination, if it is necessary to the story. I didn’t really need a graphic description of a woman shoving her arm into her baby’s throat and tearing it apart.
Another thing that bugged me was that the way it reads, the ‘two birds with one stone’ incident happened AFTER the baby incident, which makes it look like the husband decided to keep his wife after she murdered the baby. Not sure if that’s supposed to be the case but it makes the whole thing even less plausible.
@Haley “He became very careful around what she would see or hear coming from anybody since the episode with the birds. Much to his joy, a year and a half passed without much incident, and their firstborn child was soon to come.”
hehe, this was kinda like a morbid joke…funny
That was so badly written , unfunny and un-scary
Someone please tell Stephanie Meyer to get off this site, failing at vampire romances doesn’t mean she needs to try her (bad) hand at horror. GTFO
how was that creepy? i was loling from the birds to the end
I think we just all fell for a very long dead baby joke
Ehh.
Why so fail, good sir.
to have opportunities that you did not earn but that you have from the influence of your family. (Bill was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth – he came from a poor family and earned his success through hard work.)
Now I quote, \"Much to his joy, a year and a half passed without much incident, and their firstborn child was soon to come. It was good, since the coming of a baby took their minds off whatever financial problems they had.\"
Which implies they had financial trouble, which if they did, why would the doctor say he was \"born with a silver spoon in his mouth.\"
That is all.
Vaguely amusing, but it really is…. poorly written. It tries too hard to be clever. Yes, yes. I know the point of Creepypasta isn’t to win literary awards, but quality writing REALLY helps the reader get into it. I just think this one needs a lot of restructuring.
It has some holes, as aforementioned.
And whoever mentioned Asperger’s, good call, haha. I hope no one has ever been afflicted -this- literally. But who knows.
8/10
For the simple fact that the imagery with the dead baby at the end was absolutely distrubing.
These characters were so stupid that the story wasn’t that scary.
The writing style was pretty good though.
5/10
This makes no sence, why did she tear his THROUGHT when the “silver spoon” was in his tongue
That was good. Gross and kind of funny but not creepy. still good though.
Hahaha. Not creepy at all, but ridiculous in a fun sort of way. Like a joke which is way too tasteless to tell in any other form.
I thought this was really good, more dark humor than creepypasta. The ending got me, then when I read the last part I was like, “Ooooohh..” but still..disturbing.
Dark. I like it.
Could have maybe been good, but omg that ending was stupid.
Ew!!
Poor crazy lady….
shitpasta is shit. silver spoon? really? try again please.
“the coming of a baby took their minds off whatever financial problems they had”
Ha ha, ask your parents about this one.
Top Tip: Babies are expensive!
Dang. Okay, super silly concept.. taking things so literally. Horrifying baby description though. Eek
Terrible. Not creepy, not funny, just silly and juvenile.
Ok, so it wasn’t a fucking Pulitzer compared to some other stuff on here, but it was enjoyable and funny.
Mad whack it is, yes. Rmmmhrmmm.
I liked it up until the ending. I think you could have gone with something a little stronger than that.
Creepy.
demented amelia bedelia housewife ftw. lol, made me chuckle. dead baby put a bad taste in my mouth though