A man and woman walked out of the bank, hand in hand. This might be a normal thing for anyone, maybe even you. But not for her.
The man made a typical, throwaway remark about their lunch plans. Under usual circumstances, this would just be interpreted as a feeble attempt to incite lightheartedness into the conversation. But not for her.
With a quick, agile movement, the woman, his wife, picked up a slab of concrete by the sidewalk and, with great aim, hit two doves perched on a low-hanging branch. They fell, like two pathetic white balloons. As soon as they hit the ground, his wife beat them to a pulp-she could see that they were still breathing. And her husband knew that he fucked up again.
Some passerby began to stare openly at the horrible sight of two bashed birds.
“Linda!” Her husband yelled. “Stop it!”
“I thought we were going to kill two birds with one stone?” She replied, in a voice of unnatural calm. Her face gazed up at him from the ground, stoic and rigid, like some dread mask.
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
She had a certain….well, mental illness is a bit of a euphemism. Let’s just say she had a disability. A serious and rare one. Linda could not understand the difference between jokes and imperatives. She took every figure of speech she heard seriously, and was often compelled to make whatever it was into an actuality. Her husband recalled, one point, when she nearly pushed him out the window, when, in light of the recent resignation of his business partner, he remarked that he was in fact flying solo. Linda wasn’t always dangerous, though. Sometimes, he’d go home only to find her giggling like a little girl at the sight of milk on the floor. Or maybe even staring out windows during rainy evenings to see whether any cats and/or dogs were to be found falling from the sky. But then came the times when she would get harmful. Only last month, the pediatrician living in the apartment next to theirs got pelted with apples and other fruits. Poor woman nearly tripped down the stairs. This other time, an event which still scared him up to now, she shoved in his hands a bit of her bloody scalp, saying it was a piece of her mind. She had to wear a bonnet whenever she had to get out of the house after that. In spite of all this strange and violent behavior, he still loved his wife very much and could not bear to send her away to a mental hospital.
His mistake.
He became very careful around what she would see or hear coming from anybody since the episode with the birds. Much to his joy, a year and a half passed without much incident, and their firstborn child was soon to come. It was good, since the coming of a baby took their minds off whatever financial problems they had.
He was away when it happened. After he heard that child was born, he rushed back home.
As soon as he stepped through that door, he knew something was wrong. His wife was calling him from the kitchen. In her arms was the son he could never know.
In the light of their kitchen, lain on the table, were the remains of the baby, their baby. Its mouth was stretched open to such a degree that it split open, the underside of its jaws seen. It reminded him of a tear in cloth, the seams not made of fabric but of flesh. What little blood the baby had to spare was everywhere. In response to his child’s grotesquely expanded mouth, his father’s jaw fell open in surprise and terror and disgust, threatening to do the same. A scream tried to come out, but it did not.
Forcibly thrust into the gaping hole that was a baby’s mouth, was his wife’s forearm. She seemed to be trying to claw something out of the-
As soon as his wife spotted him, she turned in his direction, bloody baby still stuck on her arm.
“You have to help me! The doctor said he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth!”
//
Credited to Truncheon
Copyright Statement: Unless explicitly stated, all stories published on Creepypasta.com are the property of (and under copyright to) their respective authors, and may not be narrated or performed under any circumstance.
it was beautiful. the way it was written, the story and all. I knew something horrible was going to happen but omg.. that ending just .. gaahh.
Sounds king of like Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy.
Sorry i didn’t read it all, it had potential but if maybe it was a real illness or if it is state it. Tell us the name it would definitely add to effect and would’ve even made me read on. Some really good language and vocab in there though.
I suppose that means if I’m around her, I shouldn’t say: “Well fuck me running.”…
Oh my God guys, it’s not poorly written, it’s the authors voice!
He’s telling the story jusy like he’s taking to us as friends. Loved it(:
this one’s pretty morbidly funny… it’s an original thought! I like it, you don’t see these kinds of pastas
it had a certain charm to it, but the whole story just felt like a giant pun. I enjoyed it, but I don’t think this is the website to post this kind of story
I’m still laughing, I find this pasta hilarious to the very end.
Is there something wrong with me? ;w;
This story would have been better if her name had been Amelia :p
Also, I agree with previous comments about the baby deaths and WHY THE HELL DID THEY LEAVE HER ALONE WITH A BABY???? And you would think the doctor would know about her condition….
BITCH, I’M AFRAID IMA HAVE TO SLAP YO MAMA.
Seemed very Tales From The Crypt esque
I was actually a bit sickened by this…. because I’ve heard of mothers killing their babies in ridiculous ways, ‘trying’ to be a ‘good mother’… and sometimes because they didn’t realize it WOULDN’T kill the baby… like those ‘baby slings’ that don’t support the back? One woman carried her baby all around the store before realizing the baby had suffocated. :/ major recall on that product. SO it’s entirely possible that she didn’t realize, given her condition, that ripping apart her baby would kill it.
Not her fault, that dude is a fucking irresponsible asshole bringing a baby into the world with someone seriously mentally deranged.
Um…That’s not rare, she had autism. How do I know that? I am autistic
She threw a concrete slab at two birds? What, is she the Hulk or something?
demented amelia bedelia housewife ftw. lol, made me chuckle. dead baby put a bad taste in my mouth though :(
Creepy.
I liked it up until the ending. I think you could have gone with something a little stronger than that.
Mad whack it is, yes. Rmmmhrmmm.
i agree with Avi, it was enjoyable and i like dark humor 8.5/10
Ok, so it wasn’t a fucking Pulitzer compared to some other stuff on here, but it was enjoyable and funny.
Terrible. Not creepy, not funny, just silly and juvenile.
Dang. Okay, super silly concept.. taking things so literally. Horrifying baby description though. Eek :(
“the coming of a baby took their minds off whatever financial problems they had”
Ha ha, ask your parents about this one.
Top Tip: Babies are expensive!
shitpasta is shit. silver spoon? really? try again please.
Poor crazy lady….
Ew!!
Could have maybe been good, but omg that ending was stupid.
Dark. I like it.
I thought this was really good, more dark humor than creepypasta. The ending got me, then when I read the last part I was like, “Ooooohh..” but still..disturbing.
Hahaha. Not creepy at all, but ridiculous in a fun sort of way. Like a joke which is way too tasteless to tell in any other form.
That was good. Gross and kind of funny but not creepy. still good though.
This makes no sence, why did she tear his THROUGHT when the “silver spoon” was in his tongue
These characters were so stupid that the story wasn’t that scary.
The writing style was pretty good though.
5/10
8/10
For the simple fact that the imagery with the dead baby at the end was absolutely distrubing.
Vaguely amusing, but it really is…. poorly written. It tries too hard to be clever. Yes, yes. I know the point of Creepypasta isn’t to win literary awards, but quality writing REALLY helps the reader get into it. I just think this one needs a lot of restructuring.
It has some holes, as aforementioned.
And whoever mentioned Asperger’s, good call, haha. I hope no one has ever been afflicted -this- literally. But who knows.
Why so fail, good sir.
to have opportunities that you did not earn but that you have from the influence of your family. (Bill was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth – he came from a poor family and earned his success through hard work.)
Now I quote, \"Much to his joy, a year and a half passed without much incident, and their firstborn child was soon to come. It was good, since the coming of a baby took their minds off whatever financial problems they had.\"
Which implies they had financial trouble, which if they did, why would the doctor say he was \"born with a silver spoon in his mouth.\"
That is all.
Ehh.
I think we just all fell for a very long dead baby joke
how was that creepy? i was loling from the birds to the end
Someone please tell Stephanie Meyer to get off this site, failing at vampire romances doesn’t mean she needs to try her (bad) hand at horror. GTFO
That was so badly written , unfunny and un-scary
hehe, this was kinda like a morbid joke…funny
@Haley “He became very careful around what she would see or hear coming from anybody since the episode with the birds. Much to his joy, a year and a half passed without much incident, and their firstborn child was soon to come.”
Huh…. I don’t know.
I guess it’s kind of clever and it isn’t poorly written, but the ending just really grossed me out.
Baby violence is a really delicate thing, and it is nearly ALWAYS something that is best left to the imagination, if it is necessary to the story. I didn’t really need a graphic description of a woman shoving her arm into her baby’s throat and tearing it apart.
Another thing that bugged me was that the way it reads, the ‘two birds with one stone’ incident happened AFTER the baby incident, which makes it look like the husband decided to keep his wife after she murdered the baby. Not sure if that’s supposed to be the case but it makes the whole thing even less plausible.
wow good pasta,,,at that moment of seeing that sight ,,,i think i might faint but hopefully not,,,i dont want to know what she would do to me lol
Seriously? Who says ‘born with a silver spoon in his mouth’ any more?
Man, I don’t know if it’s because I just had a son, but this shit turned my stomach at the end.
Sounds like she had a major case of the ‘spergs.
But her “condition” doesn’t explain how she was able to also be so violent and not think “oh wait, this is sick and twisted”.
@stranger: Very true. Or maybe consider the doctor was wrong. But I certainly wouldn’t stick my hand down the kid’s THROAT when it was only meant to be in his mouth.
Looks like she didn’t take things entirely literally after all.
Fail.
Sounds like she had a major case of the ‘spergs.
But her “condition” doesn’t explain how she was able to also be so violent and not think “oh wait, this is sick and twisted”.
This one just splits my sides. I can’t stand to keep a straight face. It tickles my funny bone. I haven’t seen something so knee-slapping funny in a coon’s age.
Don’t kill me, crazy woman.
rofl what the hell?!?
it makes me sick just thinking about it o_O
Eh… I just couldn’t get into it. Some things taken literally may have consequences like that, like the one with the birds, but get real, even if someone was that way, it doesn’t mean they’re illogical, just incapable of taking things outside of their literal meanings. If I took everything literally and a doctor told me that but I could very plainly see that my child was okay and that no one seemed worried at all, the next logical step in my thought process would be to assume that the doctor removed the spoon at birth. You see? I also wouldn’t kill my child trying to fix it…
like people have said, as soon as a baby was mentioned it was obvious she’d do somethig to it. i was expecting ‘good enough to eat’ though, so caught at least a little off guard.
I must admit, I somewhat enjoyed this one only because of the wife. The gore, the baby, none of it struck me as very clever, but there was something about the idea of this woman and this man’s situation, that was entertaining to read.
….I admit. i laughed at the end XD
7/10
Man, that was fucking fantastic :D
This makes no sense what-so-ever. I mean, even if she didn’t understand figures of speech, she wouldn’t go and tear her baby apart. So there had got to be something else wrong with her anyways, which kind of makes this whole story just… dumb.
What’s next, furious George?
Oh mama. You so silly! 8/10
Hmm, very interesting and original concept. I really liked this. Will eat again.
Josef K turns to writing philosci-fi and this is what we get left with.
The baby is disgusting, and the pasta is too.
The stupid thing is, why would she do that, she would, I’m guessing, have a sense of right and wrong and know that she shouldn’t kill things for no reason and even though she had that disability she would probably ask if the person was serious or not.
And for the lolz:
What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon
One’s fun to smash with a hammer…the other is a watermelon
But dead babies are hilarious D:
I LOL’d hard.
@ Char Mander and Ohai
YES.
I couldn’t think of her name, and I knew it rhymed…
Thank you.
The formatting in this piece is terrible. I find the end result suffers because of this. Seriously, even out your goddamn paragraphs a bit.
I swear to God, I was going to say Amelia Badelia, curse you Ohai for beating me to it. You win awesome points.
I do like the idea though. I always DID wonder what would happen if Amelia Badelia got too bad with her seriousness.
–Char Mander
I’m with the anon who mentioned how the “silver spoon” plot device makes no sense in light of the aforementioned “financial problems.” IMO it actually killed the resolution.
To Anon boo-hooing about suspension of belief. That’s the whole fucking problem you tool, this story shatters that.
xD
Nothing more can be said c:
10/10
Eh, not so much. The kinda just reads out as a really long winded joke with a horrible punchline to me. 4/10
Yeah, everyone who complains this creepypasta isn’t scientifically accurate, that’s probably because it’s a creepy story on the internet that isn’t meant to be written by a psychologist? You must have interesting tastes in reading.
Pretty good, kind of like a psychotic Goosebumps story. It might seem like a cheap move, but I think the dead baby thing was used in a genuinely creepy way, not just for straight shock value.
@ Psychological Anon:
I did not intend for her condition to be an ACTUAL mental affliction. Just a disability stemming from unknown sources.
Or maybe I’m just too lazy to open up a book about brains. Meh, either way.
Lauralot-I thought it was going to be ‘bouncing baby boy’ metaphor.
Everyone saying it doesn’t hold up to RL scientific rigor…SUSPENSION OF BELIEF MOTHERFUCKERS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND IT??? No wonder you make those comments though, I guess the shit has to come out the other end when your anus is tight enough to stop a bullet
20 points to Ohai for the Amelia Bedelia reference. That was excellent.
I thought she would be taking the baby apart looking for snips and snails and puppy dog’s tails.
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmeeeeee.
And as a psychology major I have about 26000 problems with the premise of this story, scientifically illiterate as hell.
Ah well. It was worth a try.
And whale raep’s comment made me lol so hard.
Haha, that was original, I’ll give it that.
dead baby ololol. 7/10 for predictable pasta.
I read Amelia Badelia when I was little too.
0 for originality.
that was about as scary as a cute goddamn puppy.
“@Lolwut Actually it is, it’s one of the common symptoms of asbergers syndrome.”
She doesn’t have asperger’s. The story claims that her condition is EXTREME naiveness (which isn’t a work, but whatever).
Again, that’s not a thing.
Her disease was so comical that I couldn’t take the creepy pasta seriously. It just reminded me of the old cartoons where they would hit two birds with a stone or something and then remark the saying.
THEN WHO WAS BIRDS?
Nah, this wasn’t creepy.
Just a bit squick. Dead babies are not fun.
Not my taste. I didn’t find it “creepy” at all more just silly.
I’ve never heard the expression ‘born with a silver spoon in his mouth’.
Good concept but very predictable, soooo 6/10.
@ those who found it somewhat funny: I really did not intend this to be all that creepy. The humor was intentional. I did this for lols.
Its strange. Some usernames that I saw in the comments liked it before but did not like it now, while some that called it meh suddenly liked it.
Whats funnier than one dead baby?
TWO dead babies!!! using that logic this pasta seems to be missing somthing.
First off… *waves at VH* :D
How long has this been on the forums, anyway?
Not a big fan of it. But good job Trunch. :P
Am I the only one who thought choosing the saying about a silver spoon was stupid? There are plenty others that would’ve been funnier.
They tried to hard to be edgy I think
I lawled
Dead baby. SHOCK VALUE. OMG SO CREEPY
Actually, it’s mostly just poor taste in poor fashion. You could have picked one of a thousand sayings to kill off an infant child in the story, and you chose the silver spoon, which is fine, but I just don’t see anything clever, creepy, or even appealing about this story.
There hasn’t been any good pasta in a few months it seems :(
“I believe it could be ‘a thing’. Not necessarily a mental illness, or any specific disorder, but someone cannot simply understand when something is said in jest, and takes everything literally. Could even be a part of a spectrum of autism, but I’m not a doctor so I wouldn’t know.”
But it isn’t.
Muffy did it better.
Also, that was fucking boring and unoriginal.
lol@people whining about dead babies. i don’t think any of you realize where creepypasta originally came from.
I laughed at the end.
Even if it /was/ born with a silver spoon in it’s mouth, why would she a) think it would still be there and b) feel the need to tear the baby apart just to get something worth like 30 bucks?
I don’t think you understand that this woman takes everything as literally as she possibly can. For her, if the baby was born with a silver spoon in it’s mouth, that means *to her* that her baby is choking on a silver spoon all the time. :/ She’s not right in the head and doesn’t understand the things that you listed. She was worried about her baby.
@ lolwut: I believe it could be “a thing”. Not necessarily a mental illness, or any specific disorder, but someone cannot simply understand when something is said in jest, and takes everything literally. Could even be a part of a spectrum of autism, but I’m not a doctor so I wouldn’t know.
Anyway, baby death makes me sad. And it doesn’t make since about the “silver spoon”, since earlier the father alluded to financial problems.
I think this could’ve been shortened to a bite sized creepy pasta.
LOL
I saw this one on the forums awhile back, and its not half bad, I’ll grant you that. But I know for a fact that there are several VASTLY BETTER stories on the forums at this very moment (“Crawl” for example) and I can’t understand why this story made it to the main page before those other ones did.
This was kinda weird, but just disgusted me at the end. I thought this site was about “Creepy”pastas, not “DISGUSTO”pastas.
Also, ass-burgers.
Meh…..It had potential if it hadn’t been executed like a fourth-grade Halloween assignment. It was just really bland and predictable. Lol my wife take everything srsly, isn’t that scary and dangerous guize? As soon as I saw the word baby it was obvious she was going to kill it in some ironic, cleverly worded way. Okay pasta was okay.
THEN WHO WAS FIGURE OF SPEECH?
-cue comical trombone-
Very nice pasta. :3
BUT WHO WAS THE SPOON?
I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. Any way, I give it a 5/10
Average-ish
It’s just as well. Sooner or later she would have thrown the baby out with the bathwater anyway.
Take the description of gore out and this is a joke. It’s not creepy at all. Don’t get me wrong, I like it. I kinda lol’d at the end. Hopefully that’s what the writer had in mind. If so, 7/10. Not bad at all.
i agree withcooler. every time a baby dies in a story it makes me want to go shoot someone.
“It was good, since the coming of a baby took their minds off whatever financial problems they had”
how, then, could the baby have been born with a silver spoon in its mouth?
@Lolwut Actually it is, it’s one of the common symptoms of asbergers syndrome.
That dog is not so shaggy! :P
Anyway; putting a horrible ending at the end of a humorous story doesn’t really make it creepy. It was still kind of funny in a twisted way, though.
Dude you look like Pewdiepie
I like it! It’s not exactly scary, but I think the idea itself has a LOT of potential. Maybe it’s not creepypasta material– but you could build a successful feature film out of this, I think.
truncheon, what the fuck man
Ewwwwwww……
The only creepy part was the wonder of what the Hell could have caused her to be so rabid… after that it wasn’t very creepy. Just morbid.
… The fuck? Seriously? how does this crap get on here and some of the brilliant work on the forums get kept off? That was pathetic. Where’s Josef K when we need him?
Barely average at best, not the least bit creepy, poorly written.
I read this story to my dog and my dog died.
o.o
Gore was ok. The rest of it was meh. Not very creepy. But still, kinda fun to read.
My mind started running through baby sayings as soon as I read that she’d given birth. I was guessing it would be something about throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so silver spoon was nicely unexpected.
Ahem, First, The Game,
Also, joke pasta is average,but baby violence makes me sick.
It seems that a lot of pastas recently have been created on the philosophy that no matter how poorly written it is, it will be creepy if a dead child is involved somehow.
“She had a certain….well, mental illness is a bit of a euphemism. Let’s just say she had a disability. A serious and rare one. Linda could not understand the difference between jokes and imperatives.”
That’s not a thing.
actually, it is… this is like an extreme version of Asperger’s, where kids afflicted with this disability sometimes don’t realize when people are exaggerating or are joking. They don’t always get euphemisms, metaphors, similes or other parts of speech… so this actually has the element of being plausible.
True story.
Lolwut, its a story, moron. Stop trying to find plausibility within fiction.
This was charming, clever, funny with just a touch of creepy. It’s pretty good. Fun to read.
Ha, that made me giggle. I love figures of speech twice as much now!
This is so gross….I love it.
Fantastic pasta! Delicious right up to the O SHI- moment at the end!
Owwwwh it had SO MUCH potential! But the ending was just ok…