01 Apr Kill the Killers (Parody)
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"Kill the Killers (Parody)"Written by
Estimated reading time — 9 minutes
The shack was dark, almost, too dimly lit for a normal person to see into. But he was used to it, after years of wandering the darkness his eyes had accustomed to the absence of light. The only source of luminance was the screen of a small computer, too old to do more than simply process small internet searches.
In the quiet light of the monitor, his features were simply made out. He was grotesque by the most basic of standards. Nothing about him was recognizable as human. His eyes were bloodshot with the inability to blink, and due to the lack of eyelids, mounds of crust formed where the tear ducts should have been. The sickening shade of white that colored his face, and the rest of his body, was a nauseating bone color. And the scars were the most disturbing part, the burns that had healed up caused flaking and a horrible sheen in some areas. This man was no longer human, neither in body nor in spirit. The small amount of emotion left in him was simply rage. Love was as non-tangible to him as the moon.
He sat there staring at the screen his askew mouth agape in horror as he read. The looks of disgust that registered on his disfigured face, would make many believe he was watching the ‘BME Pain Olympics’ Final Round. It was, in fact, much worse.
In front of his eyes unfolded the most disturbing things he had ever envisioned. Some female, had written something, beyond legible, passing almost into the infantile. A shudder passed down his distorted visage. Her claims of carnal knowledge of his body disturbed him, and even slightly nauseated him. This was enough for him.
He stood up from his kneeling position on the unsound floor, grabbed his knifes, and headed to a nearby house. Quickly and silently he moved around the place, this was no time for his normal Theatrics. There was no prelude, no “Go to Sleep” that had made him famous. No the butchering was quick and simple. Jeff the Killer needed to make a phone call, the situation was out of hand.
“Take HIM DOWN!” She screamed at the top of her lungs at the television set in front of her. Almost as disturbing to look at, Jane could care less, anymore that is. All those years ago she would have killed Jeff, given half a chance. These days, however, she rarely ever ventured into the daylight. Her marred beauty no longer hurt her the way it had once. Now she sits around during the day watching pro wrestling. For some reason she got it into her head that it would be possible to find a new rival here.
Reconciling her differences with Jeff had left her completely bereft of an opponent worthy of her talents, all because they tried to “hook-up” a couple years ago. Jane nearly choked on her soda at the thought of that travesty.
The ringing of the phone snapped her out of her thoughts. Who the hell was calling her….
“City Morgue, you stab them we slab them, how may I take your order today?” She answered the phone laughing.
“What the Hell Jane?” The voice on the other end quizzed. “Did you take some kind of fucked up happy pills today?”
Jane’s eyes narrowed and she growled into the receiver.
“Listen here you charred briquette, just because I no longer want to kill you for maiming me does not mean that I won’t should you piss me off.” Jane sighed. She just wanted to be whimsy, was that so wrong?
“Blah, blah, blah, I have something that we need to take care of, and as soon as possible if you don’t mind.” Jeff was exasperated.
Jane thought on what he was saying as he explained everything to her. Jumping onto her computer she listened to him talk. Crappypasta.com……was typed carefully into the web-browser. Her annoyance hit the fan in less time than it would take to get Miley Cyrus to lick a piece of construction equipment.
“What the holy shit is this?” Jane yelled out loud…Forgetting Jeff was on the phone she preceded to begin a rant that caused every nun in the state to begin praying for no apparent reason
“Fuck shit fuck…..” Jane was just swearing to swear at this point. “Why the hell would I wear a mask? Or have kids, all they do is eat, shit, and scream; Like I really want to deal with that bullshit.” Jane quickly gathered her own set of knives and headed over to her friends place.
Entering into the broken down cottage in the middle of the woods, a tall and dark figure ducked below the cross-beam. His most recent work out with his personal trainer, Hans, left his tendrils feeling like Jell-o.
Slenderman sat down in his lazy-boy chair and had just propped his feet up when there was a banging on the door. Sighing he stood up and dragged his sore overly long limbs to the door. Standing at the crumbling entrance was Jeff and Jane, both looking utterly pissed off.
“Yo Slendy my man, we have a major problem.” Jeff started off right away.
Dragging Slenderman to the computer in the back room, Jeff proceeded to show him the worst story he had ever found on the internet.
By the end Slenderman was puking out the window into his garden. Jeff tried not to envision what it was like for a man to purge when he had no mouth.
After a while the three of them sat in a circle discussing how they were going to deal with their problems, and it was decided that they would all target an author to destroy. The method of destruction would correlate directly to the offence that was written.
Jane stood outside her target’s house. A 15 year old female whom had felt it was okay to tell a story in which she inserted herself into the Jeff/Jane the killer world. Jane’s inner Grammar Nazi began to emerge. The complete lack of comma’s had her seeing red.
Having made sure the girl’s parents had left the house, Jane snuck in. Climbing the stairs slowly, careful not to creak, she made her way to the female’s room. Carefully she looked into the crack of the door the girl was typing away on her keyboard. Jane decided to drop the quiet approach and kicked in the door.
The girl’s head whipped around. The second her eyes registered the form before her, a squeal of excitement escaped her adolescent lips.
“OH MAH GAWDDDDDD” the girl jumped up from her computer chair and began to jump around the room.
Jane looked around the room in horror; every wall was plastered with fan rendered images of her and Jeff. Some naked, some in compromising positions. Agitation quickly replaced the disgust and quick as lightning, Jane pulled out some rope.
The girl didn’t even seem to notice what was going on. She was still in random, taco, middle school mode. Her ramblings were too fast to even make sense, something about wanting to get Jeff’s phone number off of her so that she could rub it in the face of “Besties.”
Jane snapped and trussed the girl up faster than a cowboy at a hog tying contest. Standing back she admired her handiwork. Then she grabbed the keyboard off of the computer desk.
The girl started crying, A thing that Jane pointedly ignored. Pulling out her knife she popped off a key on the keyboard.
“Do you know what the most used letter in the English language is?” She giggled at the hysterical girl.
“It is the letter ‘E’.” Jane screamed it at her face, forcing the key down the girls throat. “You see, when people completely ignore the basic constructs of the English language, I get a bit testy.” Jane was now screaming like a banshee.
“You use question marks when asking a fucking question, dipshit!” The question mark key was the next to be stuffed into the girl’s gullet.
One by one, Jane shoved every key down the girl’s throat. Forcing her to literally eat the words she had butchered then published on the internet. Taking the now barren keyboard, she pulled back and smacked it across the girls face.
The girl sat there crying, blood trickling from the corner of her mouth, snot dripping from her nose. Her stomach was horribly distended and she was having difficulty breathing. She looked up at Jane trying to speak, but was met with cold heartless eyes.
Jane grabbed her knife and slowly made her way over to the broken girl. Her smile was sadistic, lopsided with the uneven pull of burned and scared muscle on her face. With a thrust she drove the knife into the girls stomach slicing it open, the eaten keys poured out. By now the girl only had moments left to live. She was unable to cry, let alone speak.
Jane stood there smiling at her, watching as the light faded from her eyes. Turning around, she grinned
evilly at the web-cam that was mounted on top of the desktop monitor. The face on the screen stared in sheer terror.
“Pass on the literature lesson.” Jane said and turned and walked out of the room.
Jeff sat in the tree outside his victims house, the girl he was hunting was a 14 year old who created horrible stories about sleeping with him. The shudder that ran along his spine almost dislodged him from his tree.
She walked into the room looking around even gazing out of the window. Letting out a sigh she closed the door behind her. When Jeff saw what was behind the door he almost fell out of his tree again, there mounted on the back of the door, was a life sized “manga” poster of him. With no pretense he dove through the glass window, scaring the shit out of the girl.
She screamed for her mom, but what she didn’t know is that Jeff had already silenced her family.
“You want to be beautiful like me right?” Jeff asked the girl doing his best to sound romancy.
The girl struggled then her eyes opened wider. The horrid visage in front of her was nothing like she fantasized about. His bleach white face made her want to retch. The bile rising up into her throat was stopped by the hand he wrapped around her Larynx.
“See girl you wanted to look like me now you will look like me. Just like me.” Pushing her out of the window into the kiddy pool he had filled with bleach, he laughed maniacally. “Just like me Girl, we will be Forever beautiful.”
Just saying the words, Jeff wanted to wash his mouth out with soap, god who would want a 14 year old girl friend. He hated 14 year old girls when he was 14. Nothing had changed after all these years.
Looking out the window he saw the girl floundering in the bleach pool, looking disinterested he lit and dropped a Zippo lighter into the pool. It instantly went up in flames. The girl screamed for a few moments before going silent.
“Oops….I thinks I may have over cooked the lamb.” Jumping out he grabbed onto the tree and climbed down.
He looked down at the girl. She was burnt to a crisp but somehow still breathing. The girl tried to smile up at him, but failed.
“Am I beautiful now?”
Jeff recoiled, this was not the reaction he was hoping for.
“What is with girls these days? Why won’t you die already?” Jeff huffed at her.
“Because, I love you Jeff, I want to be with you forever, I want to have your children.”
She tried to sit up and reach towards him, which should have been impossible. (But this is a story so what the hell why not.)
Jeff tilted his head back and laughed until he was gasping for breath. The girl looked at him strangely. Why was he laughing at her, that was so mean.
“I…I can’t have children you stupid fucking kid….I don’t have a penis. I lost it in a horrible zipper accident when I tried to hook up with Jane….of course by horrible Zipper accident I mean she had braces.”
The girl looked horrified no penis? But then who would she fantasize about. Maybe she could just pretend that Jeff had never told her that. Jeff continued laughing and talking to her.
“And what makes you think that I want a Pre-pubescent teenager any ways? Look, I’m a sociopath, not a pedophile. Not to mention, I really don’t dig pizza faces. Not that you have that issue anymore do you, then again you don’t have a face anymore.”
The girl tried to cry but her tear ducts were burnt away. She looked up just in time to see Jeff towering over her with a knife.
“Go to Sleep.” Jeff slit her throat and walked away. Looking back over his shoulder he sighed. Kids today….
Slenderman was slinking around in the woods behind his victim’s home. He had the worst punishment he could imagine in mind. He picked up the bucket at his feet and blended into shadow. He began to head towards his target.
Her story was by far the worst of the worst, spawning almost as much hate mail as “did you stumble across herobrine.” He shuddered, she had turned him into a complete bishie…damn-it how hard was it to figure out he was gay, why on earth would he want a girl let alone breed with one.
He was halfway across the lawn when he was stopped by a set of headlights. He froze, that was a Mustang, oh shit.
Not now, please not now, not when his plan was almost complete. The mustang stopped and out stepped a man. Who looked like your average middle aged dad. He brushed back his duster and pulled out a desart egal.
“Put the bucket down Slenderman, or pacemaker is going to put a hole in your gut.”
Slenderman sat down the bucket, and put his tendrils up. Everyone knew you didn’t fuck with the time traveling dad. He was the coolest dad ever. And chances are if you did Yossarian would tear you a new asshole in the comments.
“Slendy, you know using legos for this author is going too far. Why are you making me do this?” TTD asked like any patronizing father would. Slendy pulled out his mobile phone slowly and showed the story to TTD.
The look on the fathers face went from annoyed to disgusted. He looked back and forth between the story, the comments and the legos.
“You know derpbutt is going to be pissed. He said Legos are going to far. But, I am all for it, lets go Slendy, that shit was just plain wrong.”
Between TTD and Slendy they were able too pour legos all over the writers room, put tacks in her shoes, and in essence make her life miserable.
Slendy followed her around for about a year, placing legos under the arches of her feet everwhere she went.
Paybacks are a Bitch.
Credit To – Ahriannah, with thanks to CrappyPasta Regulars
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