The Murder Of Innocence
You awake at a crossroads. You have no idea how you got there or how long you have slept. There are five signposted directions to take: Life, Death, Fortune, Fate and Destiny. As counter-intuitive as it may seem, you must, MUST, take the road to Death first. When you arrive at your destination after hours of walking (which was strangely untaxing on your legs) you find a house with boarded-up windows and a large, black portal with an ornate ivory door-knocker. Using the knocker will cause a wooden hand to form out of the wordwork of the door, and into this hand you must place the Ivory Key you found earlier.
Wait, I did mention the key, right? It’s sort of vital to continue.
Oh hell, wait a minute, I skipped ahead in the walkthrough. I must’ve tapped PgDwn or something. Hang on..
Okay, did you get past the minotaur yet? By tricking it into walking into the fire pits using the red scarf? Did I tell you to take the Death path first? Okay, wait, no.. no, this is.. ah, right, no, go down the “Fate” path first. There’s a gemstone down there that opens a portcullis in the Destiny path. Man, I’ve been going about this all backwards. Let’s start over:
You awake at a crossroads. Since you’ve read the Magician’s Journal, you already know that the Teleportation Ritual has deposited you here as a test to claim your rightful place as King of Etheria. Wait, this is for the second playthrough, oh goddammit. Here, just bring up the console and type “isuckatcreepypastamakemeaspellmaster” to unlock all the spells. Then just fireball everything until you win. You win when everything is on fire. Hooray!
And then you die. Of, uh, I don’t know, SIDS. That’ll teach you to get trapped in one of these stories.
*SHRUGS* I just wanna shoot the writer for this carrot top-esque pasta.
Another joke pasta? this one’s less funny though.
Awesome.
I thought only babies died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome..
Ohwell…
lollin.
This story reads like a total asshole/douchebag wrote it.
Game walkthroughs can never be funny in any context, ever…plz note and then kill yourself
I thought april’s fools was over.
AWESOME!
lol this is great
Joke pasta wasn’t funny.
Meh
This joke pasta fails at life. It gave me a head ache. I’m going to mope now. Thank you.
April’s Fools was over.
I lol’d
HHAHAHAHAH I lol’d
Hahahahahahaha. Funny pasta is funny.
LOL WTF?
I’ll admit, I thought it was cute.
….What….?
Joke pasta is a joke.
It’s not April Fools, so I have no time for worthless, unfunny jokes.
EPIC.
I absolutley LOVED this one.
Mildly amusing.
Lame as hell.
ha ha. It sounds like most of the ritual pasters exept gone wrong.
BUT WHO WAS FOURTH WALL???
XD I lol’d a bit.
This reminds me of when I didn’t like a pasta, and I commented anyways.
Sounds like a twelve year old relaying their “awesome” GTA run, when they died 47 times.
This is probably the dumbest pasta on the site. Sheesh, I could write better. Now I wish I had the time *shrugs*
FAIL.
THEN WHO WAS HORDAK?
I’m sorry, but this sucked.
oh i love that game, i didn’t get to that part yet though
better than the holder’s series, for sure
Uh…what?
Pffft, this was an awesome parody, I don’t care what anyone says.
awful lotta QQ goin on up in here from some very humorless children
I laughed.
It was meh, except for the line about fireballs, and winning. That made me smile.
…I’ve been playing Sonic’s Ultimate Genesis Collection too much >.<
The stork one was better
Well, I lol’d.
hmm.. nah.
I chuckled. :]
I feel like whoever wrote this just read the first joke pasta and figured they were clever enough to write on too.
They weren’t.
LOL!
lol Funny.
This made me actually laugh out loud, now my co-workers are wondering what’s up.
I lol’d.
Hell of a lot better than that Caps Lock blood shit.
Severe Immune Deficiency Syndrome?
new strand of AIDS i presume?
Wait wut?
A good attempt, but a failed joke.
Win. Not as good as Day of All the Blood or what the fuck ever it’s called.
R U KIDDING ME?!
ive been gone for so long, this is the first pasta i decide to read and it’s THIS???!!!
-headdesk-
boooooo!
it wasn’t even a joke pasta…its just garbage!
A good idea, but it just wasn’t funny. It could have been great, but it… just didn’t quite reach lol status for me.
ahhh… I’m an idiot. It took me a while to get it but I just looked at it again and finally realized what this pasta was trying to do. I can’t stand those stupid ritual pastas. They are extremely repetitive, pointless and aren’t in the least bit creepy. So, for making fun of them, I applaud the author. Well done sir.
“Okay, did you get past the minotaur yet? By tricking it into walking into the fire pits using the red scarf?”
EPIC REFERENCE TO KING’S QUEST VIII. <3
i smirked, kinda stupid pasta here but it’s worthy enough.
I thought it was amusing at first, but then it just pissed me off that the narrator couldn’t get his shit straight. This so makes me not want to do this ritual.
oh lol
Ell oh ell… lots of fags without a sense of humor. I laughed quite heartily at this. The idea of ritual-pastas being ‘walkthroughs’ was delicious, and the fact that all the writers always know EXACTLY what you need to do: When to breathe, what to say when, and where and how hard to take a shit (or else you will be KILL BY DEMONS)
The thought of a ritualfag trying to pass on this ritual, but not remembering it all, strikes me as more human, and humans are inherently lulzy
Then, the ‘second playthrough’ made me literally laugh out loud, as if someone would want to do a ritual twice (and run the risk of YOU ARE THE DEMONS again)
‘You win when everything is on fire!’
Greatest ritual pasta line EVAR
Lame as hell… but I LOLed
Now see, this is perfect because it’s a brilliant satire of most ritual pastas.
lol
Sudden infant death syndrome? But I’m older than 1 year already.
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Awesome name wasted on an unfunny ritual pasta parody. The Only Sensible Ritual Pasta is funnier and better-written.
BUT WHO WAS RITUAL PASTA?
Ooooh hahah. Yeah I lold. As soon as the key was mentioned I was thinking, “What key?” Will bring a friend next time I eat this.
that’s 2 minutes of my life i cant get back….would have been better spent watching paint dry
Amusing, but boring. Joke stories are only good when they are either incredibly funny or have a decent storyline. This had a bit of both. To the author, work out the storyline before you start writing.
Fear the Darkness
-Nex
this story was a good break from reading creepy pasta all day. i understand the frustration and anger of haters of the story because this was probably the first pasta they read today and they were probably looking to be scared. but if youve had a creepy pasta marathon like me enjoying your friday night then this story would prepare you for more so thank you. the story would honestly make a great video game and if i ever get the money for it i will make this game,edited and actually good however. it will have the same name and will be for ps3. play it in a few years when it comes out!
SIDS?! OH NO!
potential to be funny but didn’t quite get there…the whole walkthrough idea was clever though
uhh? what? forget you im going down the path labeled destiny.
OK, wait a minute…I die of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome?