28May,10

Survival Guide

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We’ve all been there. You have just gone to a certain place, at a certain time on a certain date, done a special thing and the thing you suspected would happen has just fucking happened, not to mention the fact that you’ve just seen whatever the fuck it is that lives in your mirror, been told in detail how you’re going to die, and the highly demonic and invincible thing you summoned is heading towards you.
Also, your family are all dead, your friends are all missing and you’re being framed by someone with access to your bedroom. What the fuck do you do now, sweet protagonist?

Well, you’ve come to the right place to find out: These are the simple rules one must follow in order to firstly, not become the victim of creepypasta and furthermore, to come out kicking if the worst does happen. With the help of this guide you too can be the catatonic, traumatised wreck as opposed to the guy currently being worn as a coat by some dude who roams a lot. Just keep these simple rules in mind…

1. Mirrors and darkness don’t mix.
2. Actually mirrors are a general “NO”, in creepypasta world, there is nothing more sinister.
3. There is zero chance of survival if you look the thing that no one else can see or answer it’s question incorrectly.
4. If you are alone at night in a creepy mental institution,take some time to consider what the fuck are you doing there, then, if it is appropriate to do so, leave.
5. Avoid going to places where everyone else who went there never came back or died inexplicably.
6. If someone stops your vehicle at night and asks to come with you, it would probably be in your best interests to politely decline.
7. Killing is the last method of survival, use it sparingly but without fear.
8. WHO WAS PHONE is always a good thing to ponder. Also who the hell answers a phone while kissing a dead persons sexy daughter. A douche is who.
9. Get a simple .38 revolver. Load it with 2 silver bullets. If you really feel there is no chance to come alive out of a situation, take one shot at whatever’s threatening you. If this doesn’t work, you still have the last shot to become an hero with.
10. Area 51 is simply too well guarded to let you get in. Or to let any alien out.
11. When going to a hotel, try to steer clear of unauthorized areas. If you couldn’t resist but you saw a red thing, take some time to consider the price range and hotel standard on your next visit. Have you ever stayed at a haunted Hilton?
12. When booking your hotel stay, Trip Advisor can be an invaluable tool in deeming whether your choice is the scene of a multiple murder/full of dead people/built at the mouth of hell. Local newspapers can also be helpful.
13. Invoking demons, speaking weird languages and performing rituals of any kind is considered dangerous. Refrain from doing that, especially around Abandoned Warehouses, Churches, Psychiatric Institutions, Forests and your house in front of a mirror at night.
14. When going to a new area, environmental understanding is a key to survival. Ask around for cursed places, legends, dangers and other details. Listen to the local peoples’ advice, and don’t be afraid to ask if you’re unsure of which attacks/disappearances are paranormal and which aren’t.
15. Always have a Bible next to your bed. Provides average reading material, proof of beliefs and a really heavy object to throw at enemies.
16. Don’t count on Holy Water. Get a sturdy vial of Sulfuric Acid and let a priest Consecrate it.
17. Japanese priests cleanse rooms by waving katana swords around. Their ritual is 100% effective on corporeal forms.
18. If you find 666 messages on your phone, mailbox, email, etc consider changing the said service provider. Also don’t bother listening /reading the messages. It’s spam. Extra dimensional, possibly, but spam nevertheless.
19. Old pharmaceutical companies cant help you. Unless you specifically need “Blood Of The Innocent”, ”Snake Oil”, and “Radioactive Syrup”. Which is never.
20. If you need to sign it in blood, you do not need to sign it. All mainstream governing bodies will accept contracts signed in ink, bear this in mind if offered deals that seem too good to be true.
21. Lighthouses are dangerous. Avoid them at all costs. If you work at a Lighthouse consider a career in Insurance Sales, or Veterinary Care.
22. There is simply no reason to listen to music that causes suicidal tendencies, or to watch films that have had strange/disastrous consequences..
23. If you like to plan ahead and have some money, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is.
24. Secret secluded untouched places in old buildings are left untouched for a reason. Pioneers never say “die” but in fact they do have an unusually high mortality rate.
25. Before you start swimming in the ice-cold waters of a murky lake at the center of a dark forest at midnight, ask yourself, do you really want to travel to an ancient and terrifying city? If the answer is “no,” then stay at home instead, and watch whatever quality programming is available on Cinemax.
26. On your 33rd birthday try celebrating in a well lit house with the company of others.
27. Refrain from using the One True Name for anything, there is probably a reason people gave it a nick.
28. Watching TV static for long periods may be hazardous to your health, try satelite TV to combat this problem.
29. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.
30. Cemeteries are bad places, especially in foggy conditions and on halloween.
31. Try not to close your eyes, ever. If you must, do so only briefly.
32. If you hear chanting, run until you are out of earshot.
33. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.
34. Legends can offer valuable insight of where not to go camping with friends.
35. When babysitting, ascertain the family’s tastes and preferences, to avoid being killed by poorly selected statues.
36. Even if you are certain that running will not save you, it is always best to try.

Follow these simple rules and little (or massive) harm may befall you. Either way, the important thing is to make sure your tale is told, copied, and pasted repeatedly.

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Survival Guide, 9.3 out of 10 based on 3044 ratings


  • BananaCorn

    Well, several points to make here:
    First off – WOOT. Also lol
    Second – Tower misuses his power as an admin, he bans people for no reason, get over it, there’s not actually a law or rule that says you must recieve a warning before you’re banned.
    Third – lol katana
    and finally – t(‘.’t)

    Peace out

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    • AnimeFan

      you should have said
      Peace Off*boop*

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      • Jane_The_Killer

        Do you like Tobuscus? I do

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        • Herp Derp

          Jane pliz dont kill toby

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          Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • Raven

    Very funny. Irreverant and hits the nail on the proverbial head. Funny too…did I mention

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    Rating: +1 (from 9 votes)
  • Farson

    Ha, this was a good one.

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    Rating: -2 (from 4 votes)
  • Anonymous

    What’s with all the people saying “This isn’t creepy!”
    No shit, Sherlock.

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    Rating: +31 (from 31 votes)
  • OrangeOne

    Lol – this is funny.

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  • COCK

    First.

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  • Eevee

    So old.
    I fucking lol’d at the 16, 17 and 19, though.

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    Rating: -5 (from 9 votes)
  • TheHedonist

    Clever! I liked it. Not quite a story and not really creepy but apropos and an entertaining read.

    Also, I don’t think Slenderman can really be counted here because A.) the mortality rate of the people who come in contact with him is 100% and B.) there’s nothing you can really do to prevent seeing him, he just gets closer and closer until suddenly he’s TOO CLOSE.

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    Rating: +17 (from 19 votes)
  • Violent Harvest

    Tower owns you. Don’t get raged.

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    Rating: -1 (from 3 votes)
  • Darth Skeletor

    This is truly great.

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    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  • http://channelislandsghosttrackers.com Deathbecomesme

    Very cute…….I enjoyed it

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  • 2D

    I thought it was great.

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    Rating: -1 (from 3 votes)
  • tight384

    I thought it was pretty good. I posted it but didn’t write it. Found on ED I believe.

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    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  • UndeadBuddah

    Haha, this really is fantastic and a great read. Nice change of pace from the stuff that’s been written lately and a good homage to all the past pastas.

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  • Raisdragon

    This was pretty good, but what about never mentioning Candlejacks nam

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    • Someone

      You know, CandleJack isn’t re

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  • http://creepypasta.com Someone is here now

    Lol This was great, loved the Katana bit.

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    Rating: -1 (from 3 votes)
  • Anonymous

    Bitch, please! Everyone knows a .500 is the ultimate gun to use against the supernatural.

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    Rating: +4 (from 8 votes)
  • Atluka

    Rule # 36 No sex or alcohol. Sober virgins always live.

    I doubt anyone on here has anything to worry about.

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    Rating: +26 (from 26 votes)
    • Mr. Bulbmin

      Half of this site is drunk, so . . . no, most of us won’t live.

      Most of you, anyway. The Box is great against everything. I had to tribute a single soul to bind it to myself, but it’s not like anyone will miss that jerk.

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  • Red Raider

    i think its down for everyone actually stormbringer

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  • Abbey

    I didnt read all of that but i love the first paragraph haha written so well and somebody has too much time on their handss!

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  • Abbey

    and lol @ atluka, fu

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  • Anonymous

    Great story, however…
    @Peterdivine
    No mention of slenderman because
    1. He only goes after children, this isn’t Marble Hornets
    2. Unlike other supernatural phenomenon we can actually trace him back to his origin at the Something Awful forums, he’s fun, but you don’t need to know how to survive him

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    • Can’t run

      Because you can’t survive him.

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      Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
      • The Doll

        Yup heis invincible and unstoppable!!!

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        Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
    • SlenderGIR

      I get liie really freaked out from Slenderman and I don’t even live anywhere near the woods!!!

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  • ;-;

    Nice references

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  • RemickZeroLight

    Getting Slenderman to leave you alone is actually pretty easy. Just give him twenty dollahs.
    It won’t stop masky from raping you though :(

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  • Rites of Spring

    This should have a reference to Candle Cove.

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    • Herp Derp

      it does derp

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