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Survival Guide

We’ve all been there. You have just gone to a certain place, at a certain time on a certain date, done a special thing and the thing you suspected would happen has just fucking happened, not to mention the fact that you’ve just seen whatever the fuck it is that lives in your mirror, been told in detail how you’re going to die, and the highly demonic and invincible thing you summoned is heading towards you.
Also, your family are all dead, your friends are all missing and you’re being framed by someone with access to your bedroom. What the fuck do you do now, sweet protagonist?

Well, you’ve come to the right place to find out: These are the simple rules one must follow in order to firstly, not become the victim of creepypasta and furthermore, to come out kicking if the worst does happen. With the help of this guide you too can be the catatonic, traumatised wreck as opposed to the guy currently being worn as a coat by some dude who roams a lot. Just keep these simple rules in mind…

1. Mirrors and darkness don’t mix.
2. Actually mirrors are a general “NO”, in creepypasta world, there is nothing more sinister.
3. There is zero chance of survival if you look the thing that no one else can see or answer it’s question incorrectly.
4. If you are alone at night in a creepy mental institution,take some time to consider what the fuck are you doing there, then, if it is appropriate to do so, leave.
5. Avoid going to places where everyone else who went there never came back or died inexplicably.
6. If someone stops your vehicle at night and asks to come with you, it would probably be in your best interests to politely decline.
7. Killing is the last method of survival, use it sparingly but without fear.
8. WHO WAS PHONE is always a good thing to ponder. Also who the hell answers a phone while kissing a dead persons sexy daughter. A douche is who.
9. Get a simple .38 revolver. Load it with 2 silver bullets. If you really feel there is no chance to come alive out of a situation, take one shot at whatever’s threatening you. If this doesn’t work, you still have the last shot to become an hero with.
10. Area 51 is simply too well guarded to let you get in. Or to let any alien out.
11. When going to a hotel, try to steer clear of unauthorized areas. If you couldn’t resist but you saw a red thing, take some time to consider the price range and hotel standard on your next visit. Have you ever stayed at a haunted Hilton?
12. When booking your hotel stay, Trip Advisor can be an invaluable tool in deeming whether your choice is the scene of a multiple murder/full of dead people/built at the mouth of hell. Local newspapers can also be helpful.
13. Invoking demons, speaking weird languages and performing rituals of any kind is considered dangerous. Refrain from doing that, especially around Abandoned Warehouses, Churches, Psychiatric Institutions, Forests and your house in front of a mirror at night.
14. When going to a new area, environmental understanding is a key to survival. Ask around for cursed places, legends, dangers and other details. Listen to the local peoples’ advice, and don’t be afraid to ask if you’re unsure of which attacks/disappearances are paranormal and which aren’t.
15. Always have a Bible next to your bed. Provides average reading material, proof of beliefs and a really heavy object to throw at enemies.
16. Don’t count on Holy Water. Get a sturdy vial of Sulfuric Acid and let a priest Consecrate it.
17. Japanese priests cleanse rooms by waving katana swords around. Their ritual is 100% effective on corporeal forms.
18. If you find 666 messages on your phone, mailbox, email, etc consider changing the said service provider. Also don’t bother listening /reading the messages. It’s spam. Extra dimensional, possibly, but spam nevertheless.
19. Old pharmaceutical companies cant help you. Unless you specifically need “Blood Of The Innocent”, ”Snake Oil”, and “Radioactive Syrup”. Which is never.
20. If you need to sign it in blood, you do not need to sign it. All mainstream governing bodies will accept contracts signed in ink, bear this in mind if offered deals that seem too good to be true.
21. Lighthouses are dangerous. Avoid them at all costs. If you work at a Lighthouse consider a career in Insurance Sales, or Veterinary Care.
22. There is simply no reason to listen to music that causes suicidal tendencies, or to watch films that have had strange/disastrous consequences..
23. If you like to plan ahead and have some money, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is.
24. Secret secluded untouched places in old buildings are left untouched for a reason. Pioneers never say “die” but in fact they do have an unusually high mortality rate.
25. Before you start swimming in the ice-cold waters of a murky lake at the center of a dark forest at midnight, ask yourself, do you really want to travel to an ancient and terrifying city? If the answer is “no,” then stay at home instead, and watch whatever quality programming is available on Cinemax.
26. On your 33rd birthday try celebrating in a well lit house with the company of others.
27. Refrain from using the One True Name for anything, there is probably a reason people gave it a nick.
28. Watching TV static for long periods may be hazardous to your health, try satelite TV to combat this problem.
29. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.
30. Cemeteries are bad places, especially in foggy conditions and on halloween.
31. Try not to close your eyes, ever. If you must, do so only briefly.
32. If you hear chanting, run until you are out of earshot.
33. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.
34. Legends can offer valuable insight of where not to go camping with friends.
35. When babysitting, ascertain the family’s tastes and preferences, to avoid being killed by poorly selected statues.
36. Even if you are certain that running will not save you, it is always best to try.

Follow these simple rules and little (or massive) harm may befall you. Either way, the important thing is to make sure your tale is told, copied, and pasted repeatedly.

Posted in Rites & Rituals 1 year, 8 months ago at 2:29 pm.

106 comments

106 Replies

  1. Arancaytar May 28th 2010

    All of that is pretty funny, but the “17. Japanese priests cleanse rooms by waving katana swords around. Their ritual is 100% effective on corporeal forms.” was best.

    “29. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.” Also, you can just pretend any weird and ghastly noises downstairs were caused by them, allowing you to sleep better.

  2. ChineseDisease May 28th 2010

    First.

    These are words to live by.

  3. First! May 28th 2010

    First!!! haha such a noob
    anyway nice pasta. pretty funny, not quite creepythough. liked the references

  4. Lenore May 28th 2010

    Number 2 so true.

  5. Anonymous May 28th 2010

    pretty gay

  6. Red Raider May 28th 2010

    really gay

  7. Red Raider May 28th 2010

    just kidding i loved it

  8. Red Raider May 28th 2010

    a lot of allusions in there too

  9. Mister Stain May 28th 2010

    First.
    This is my favorite pasta.

  10. Anonymous May 28th 2010

    Oh man, this is good.

    Someone mind listing all the creepypastas referenced? I recognize a few of them.

  11. FIRST!

    This one is actually funny :)

  12. SmokyMushroom May 28th 2010

    The doll thing and Bel Air cracked me up slightly. Not a bad pasta, but not creepy, either. Still, entertaining. Would eat again.

    7/10

  13. Anonymous May 28th 2010

    First! And…WHO WAS DOUCHE WITH PHONE!!!???

  14. N.P.C.C. May 28th 2010

    lol at # 9!

  15. Wow. I like this. Especially since I know what pastas most of these are referring to.

  16. Whew, I feel much safer now. Thank you, Pasta Writer!

  17. Red Raider May 28th 2010

    An admin has to give a warning before banning someone, and i recieved no warning. Also there are no rules of conduct so you can not ban someone from the cbox. I just want to talk to my friends and bam, i’m banned because there was a moderator on and 2 people were spamming, and the moderator banned everyone. Not fair.

  18. Lollerskates May 28th 2010

    I lold

  19. Eh. It was alright :/

  20. eh… I dunno… A few of the ones further down the list were witty.

  21. Anonymous May 28th 2010

    Great post. Epic bread.

  22. Awesome bread.

  23. Anonymous May 28th 2010

    Marvelous. Love the callbacks to old pastas.

  24. Anonymous May 29th 2010

    Also, important rule to never forget; If someone is hemorrhaging massively on a specific day, that causes and elevator to be filled, people to people to slip and be grossed out, sharks to bitten everybody, vampires to chase said person (all of the vampires ever), and it gets a boy and a dog, the best thing to do is to send yourself into space.

  25. Commissar Tzeentch May 29th 2010

    You should have also mentioned that common sense is your most important tool and i will save your life.

    If you have it that is.

  26. Peterdivine May 29th 2010

    But notice: nothing about Slenderman.

    Because nothing, but nothing, can stop Slenderman, and all comments to the contrary are lies made of the hopes of doomed fools.

  27. Stormbringer May 29th 2010

    Red Raider, is that why the chat box doesn’t appear for me anymore. WTF, I wasn’t even talking, I left myself logged in and was watching a movie in the living room. :(

    The guide has some amusing bits, but I’d say if you want to survive, go investigate everything. Keep a fully automatic weapon, a towel and a maglite on you. And don’t panic, ever.

  28. BananaCorn May 29th 2010

    Well, several points to make here:
    First off – WOOT. Also lol
    Second – Tower misuses his power as an admin, he bans people for no reason, get over it, there’s not actually a law or rule that says you must recieve a warning before you’re banned.
    Third – lol katana
    and finally – t(‘.’t)

    Peace out

  29. Very funny. Irreverant and hits the nail on the proverbial head. Funny too…did I mention

  30. Farson May 29th 2010

    Ha, this was a good one.

  31. Anonymous May 29th 2010

    What’s with all the people saying “This isn’t creepy!”
    No shit, Sherlock.

  32. OrangeOne May 29th 2010

    Lol – this is funny.

  33. First.

  34. So old.
    I fucking lol’d at the 16, 17 and 19, though.

  35. TheHedonist May 29th 2010

    Clever! I liked it. Not quite a story and not really creepy but apropos and an entertaining read.

    Also, I don’t think Slenderman can really be counted here because A.) the mortality rate of the people who come in contact with him is 100% and B.) there’s nothing you can really do to prevent seeing him, he just gets closer and closer until suddenly he’s TOO CLOSE.

  36. This Is What May 29th 2010

    (lol look at all the fags who said first)

  37. Violent Harvest May 29th 2010

    Tower owns you. Don’t get raged.

  38. Darth Skeletor May 29th 2010

    This is truly great.

  39. Very cute…….I enjoyed it

  40. I thought it was great.

  41. tight384 May 29th 2010

    I thought it was pretty good. I posted it but didn’t write it. Found on ED I believe.

  42. UndeadBuddah May 30th 2010

    Haha, this really is fantastic and a great read. Nice change of pace from the stuff that’s been written lately and a good homage to all the past pastas.

  43. Raisdragon May 30th 2010

    This was pretty good, but what about never mentioning Candlejacks nam

  44. Lol This was great, loved the Katana bit.

  45. Anonymous May 31st 2010

    Bitch, please! Everyone knows a .500 is the ultimate gun to use against the supernatural.

  46. Atluka May 31st 2010

    Rule # 36 No sex or alcohol. Sober virgins always live.

    I doubt anyone on here has anything to worry about.

  47. Red Raider May 31st 2010

    i think its down for everyone actually stormbringer

  48. Abbey Jun 1st 2010

    I didnt read all of that but i love the first paragraph haha written so well and somebody has too much time on their handss!

  49. Abbey Jun 1st 2010

    and lol @ atluka, fu

  50. Anonymous Jun 1st 2010

    Great story, however…
    @Peterdivine
    No mention of slenderman because
    1. He only goes after children, this isn’t Marble Hornets
    2. Unlike other supernatural phenomenon we can actually trace him back to his origin at the Something Awful forums, he’s fun, but you don’t need to know how to survive him

  51. Nice references

  52. RemickZeroLight Jun 1st 2010

    Getting Slenderman to leave you alone is actually pretty easy. Just give him twenty dollahs.
    It won’t stop masky from raping you though :(

  53. Rites of Spring Jun 3rd 2010

    This should have a reference to Candle Cove.

  54. Hi , don't turn around Jun 3rd 2010

    thanks for the doll tip: THOSE BITCHES CREEP ME OUT
    the katana thing is hilarious but incorrect: japanese priests bless the sword with herbs and leave it on an alter, also they give fruit and other foods to the “hungry ghosts”.

    the mirror thing is so true.

    and if anything says 666: PUNT THAT BITCH

  55. Hi , don't turn around Jun 3rd 2010

    i await nex and Mr.Welldones review

  56. Non-moose Jun 3rd 2010

    Lovely. Just lovely.

    Also, if you really want to know why they didn’t say anything about certain dark figures…

    they did.

    #27.

  57. CrapCarp Jun 4th 2010

    Awesome read. I actually really enjoyed this one.

    Author didn’t mention the silly pasta/meme about Candlejack though; how he kidnaps you after you mention hi

  58. It is always refreshing to see someone poke fun at what so many of us call ‘scary stories’. Most amusing, and helps remind us that these are just stories, for as much as we might scoff, there is one story on this site for everyone, one that gets under their skin and in their mind, that preys on their doubts while they lie in their bed staring at their ceilings. Well done, and thankyou to the people from Encyclopedia Dramatica. And, as always:

    Fear the Darkness,

    -Nex

  59. anonymiss Jun 6th 2010

    Very clever. :]

  60. Flash37 Jun 8th 2010

    …Crap. I have a large, old Tigger doll in my room. *looks at door to bedroom nervously*

  61. CrapCarp Jun 8th 2010

    DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS

  62. Anonymous Jun 8th 2010

    old pasta is old.

  63. Sighduck Jun 9th 2010

    I loved it. 10/10 and a thumbs up

  64. Mr. Welldone Jun 9th 2010

    foolish mortals! You make light of things beyond your understanding you-

    god I’m so lonely

  65. mrs. moses Jun 10th 2010

    If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.

    LOVED IT.

  66. . . .but who was mirror?

  67. Sniper Jun 12th 2010

    I’ve been left out of the Slenderman loop. Anyone care to explain him?

    Otherwise, great work. I lol’d.

  68. Anonymous Jun 13th 2010

    “23. If you like to plan ahead and have some money, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is.”

    Not quite, Will got shot on Season 5, Episode 15.

  69. Child of Shadow Jun 14th 2010

    18) Also, don’t try phoning the number back. Have you any idea how nuch it costs to get through to Hell? Pricey.

  70. Child of Shadow Jun 14th 2010

    Also, 33 made me PMSL :D )

  71. Number 234: If you find a tape of a show made in the 70′s or 80′s named Candle Cove, throw it in the bin.

  72. Charlotte Mander Jun 18th 2010

    Pretty sure I’ve read this before, but having it here is good nontheless.

    –Char Mander

  73. We need this als rules of /x/. Srsly.

  74. ben dover Jun 22nd 2010

    amazing

  75. KSCIAA Jun 24th 2010

    I read the whole thing in Morgan Freeman’s voice.

  76. Heather Jun 26th 2010

    one of the best things i read. <3

  77. Anonymous Jun 28th 2010

    Yeah, my cat came in pretty handy.

    This one time, I tried one of those weird ritual things and my cat fucking scratched the hell out of the horrible monster that came out of my mirror.

  78. Anonymous Jun 28th 2010

    BTW, you should always read these things with the TV on. And if you have a laptop, sit on your couch(and make sure it’s against a wall).

  79. Anonymous Jun 30th 2010

    Obviously throwing a cat at anything solves any paranormal problem!

  80. lol best advice ever!

  81. #29 made me look at mooshi (my cat) and raise an eyebrow, she replied by getting up from where she was and pointedly turning around so i can look at her butt
    :3
    not technically pasta, more like
    pizza? or chicken parmesian?
    i dont know what it is but i give it a 10/10

  82. Shang Jul 3rd 2010

    33 IS SO FREAKING TRUE!!! *hates dolls*

  83. fffffuuuuuuu Jul 4th 2010

    ….

  84. jhonny_murder Jul 5th 2010

    Freakin’ awsome. I’ll hafta try and remember half this crap when I’m out ghost hunting…

  85. Plaridel Jul 12th 2010

    What’s a good cat breed? Are Siamese cats better at sensing whatever it is to be sensed? And yeah, I’m pretty serious.

  86. Flash37 Jul 14th 2010

    “35. When babysitting, ascertain the family’s tastes and preferences, to avoid being killed by poorly selected statues.”

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAA
    …What? I saw a stupid chain letter involving this scenario once. It was hilarious. xD

    THIS IS THE SCARIEST PASTA EVER AND I SHALL NOT SLEEP TONIGHT NO I SHALL BE PLAGUED BY THE HORRORS OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT TO DO AHH
    10/10

  87. FIRST!!!!!! hahahahaha

  88. Lighthouse Owner Jul 18th 2010

    Dude, stop being bad for mah business :(

    And Siamese are the most attuned to spirits, yes. The good thing about siamese cats is that they were BRED to be thrown at intruders.

  89. I LOL’D SO HARD AT 29. Shit, I almost died. My stomach hurt, I couldn’t breathe, and my cat stared at me. For five minutes. Seriously.

  90. Anonymous Jul 26th 2010

    Slenderman may be combated with Sunny-D. Protip.

  91. Child of Shadow Jul 27th 2010

    Candlejack can be vanquised with pie.

  92. You Said wat Aug 12th 2010

    o lol i looked at these it made more sense then the storys i read but what about keeping some ammo in your pocket or try to be the badass or something like that i don’t know i give it a 10/10

  93. Someone Aug 13th 2010

    i just gotta say this i dont think theres a phone that can actually hold 666 messages i think thats way to many and if i had that many i wouldnt listen to them anyway

  94. Non-moose Aug 15th 2010

    Look at all these people mentioning candle jack and not following through with the meme! I mea–

    Oh… pie does work…

  95. Icalasari Aug 17th 2010

    Anonymouse (June 1st, 2010): Actually, Slendy does target adults occasionally. However, there is a way to survive:

    37: If Slenderman is after you, throw a small child holding twenty dollars at him then run

  96. This guide was mildly funny, yet a bit too long. 5/10

  97. Anonymous Aug 27th 2010

    @Icalasari
    Perfect! I hadn’t thought of that.

    Great pasta by the way.

  98. I loved the one about the babysitting and the statues.

    Someone once told me that story before I went to babysit. Scared the fuck outta me.

  99. Truncheon Sep 13th 2010

    Bring toilet paper.

    Just in case you shit brix.

  100. This is from fucking encyclopediadramatica.

    :\

  101. Love.

  102. The Rake Sep 30th 2010

    That made me lol all over the place.

    One more to keep in mind, If you live near the woods, a cave, a psychiatric ward, a slaughterhouse or a school, you should either move, or become a hermit.

  103. Chevorn Oct 5th 2010

    I lolled at the doll one XD so fucking true and the cat ^_^

  104. Baytone Bro Oct 6th 2010

    Fucking awesome. I lol’d several times. I’ve read just about every pasta on this site and this is the first one I’ve liked enough to comment on.

  105. Anonymous Oct 8th 2010

    You just forgot “if there’s a little chalky blob, run!”

    this guide is accurate

  106. I’ve been ghouling around on /x/ for a couple of months now, and this is definitely my favorite pasta. Ever.


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