Jeff the Killer
Excerpt from a local Newspaper:
OMINOUS UNKNOWN KILLER IS STILL AT LARGE.
After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown killer is still on the rise. After little evidence has been found, a young boy states that he survived one of the killer’s attacks and bravely tells his story.
“I had a bad dream and I woke up in the middle of the night,” says the boy, “I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember it being closed before I went to bed. I got up and shut it once more. Afterwards, I simply crawled under my covers and tried to get back to sleep. That’s when I had a strange feeling, like someone was watching me. I looked up, and nearly jumped out of my bed. There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between my curtains, were a pair of two eyes. These weren’t regular eyes; they were dark, ominous eyes. They were bordered in black and… just plain out terrified me. That’s when I saw his mouth. A long, horrendous smile that made every hair on my body stand up. The figure stood there, watching me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said in a way only a mad man could speak.
“He said, ‘Go To Sleep.’ I let out a scream, that’s what sent him at me. He pulled up a knife; aiming at my heart. He jumped on top of my bed. I fought him back; I kicked, I punched, I rolled around, trying to knock him off me. That’s when my dad busted in. The man threw the knife, it went into my dad’s shoulder. The man probably would’ve finished him off, if one of the neighbors hadn’t alerted the police.
“They drove into the parking lot, and ran towards the door. The man turned and ran down the hallway. I heard a smash, like glass breaking. As I came out of my room, I saw the window that was pointing towards the back of my house was broken. I looked out it to see him vanish into the distance. I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that face. Those cold, evil eyes, and that psychotic smile. They will never leave my head.”
Police are still on the look for this man. If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local police department.
Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood. His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those “fancy” neighborhoods. Jeff and his brother Liu couldn’t complain though. A new, better house. What was not to love? As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by.
“Hello,” she said, “I’m Barbara; I live across the street from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to introduce my son.” She turns around and calls her son over. “Billy, these are our new neighbors.” Billy said hi and ran back to play in his yard.
“Well,” said Jeff’s mom, “I’m Margaret, and this is my husband Peter, and my two sons, Jeff and Liu.” They each introduced themselves, and then Barbara invited them to her son’s birthday. Jeff and his brother were about to object, when their mother said that they would love to. When Jeff and his family are done packing, Jeff went up to his mom.
“Mom, why would you invite us to some kid’s party? If you haven’t noticed, I’m not some dumb kid.”
“Jeff,” said his mother, “We just moved here; we should show that we want to spend time with our neighbors. Now, we’re going to that party, and that’s final.” Jeff started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he couldn’t do anything. Whenever his mom said something, it was final. He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a weird feeling. Not so much a pain, but… a weird feeling. He dismissed it as just some random feeling. He heard his mother call him down to get his stuff, and he walked down to get it.
The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast and got ready for school. As he sat there, eating his breakfast, he once again got that feeling. This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging pain, but he once again dismissed it. As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the bus stop. They sat there waiting for the bus, and then, all of a sudden, some kid on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above their laps. They both jumped back in surprise. “Hey, what the hell?”
The kid landed and turned back to them. He kicked his skate board up and caught it with his hands. The kid seems to be about twelve; one year younger than Jeff. He wears a Aeropostale shirt and ripped blue jeans.
“Well, well, well. It looks like we got some new meat.” Suddenly, two other kids appeared. One was super skinny and the other was huge. “Well, since you’re new here, I’d like to introduce ourselves, over there is Keith.” Jeff and Liu looked over to the skinny kid. He had a dopey face that you would expect a sidekick to have. “And he’s Troy.” They looked over at the fat kid. Talk about a tub of lard. This kid looked like he hadn’t exercised since he was crawling.
“And I,” said the first kid, “am Randy. Now, for all the kids in this neighborhood there is a small price for bus fare, if you catch my drift.” Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid’s eyes when one of his friends pulled a knife on him. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, but it seems we must do this the hard way.” The kid walked up to Liu and took his wallet out of his pocket. Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation. He stood up, but Liu gestured him to sit down. Jeff ignored him and walked up to the kid.
“Listen here you little punk, give back my bro’s wallet or else.” Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own knife.
“Oh? And what will you do?” Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose. As Randy reached for his face, Jeff grabbed the kid’s wrist and broke it. Randy screamed and Jeff grabbed the knife from his hand. Troy and Keith rushed Jeff, but Jeff was too quick. He threw Randy to the ground. Keith lashed out at him, but Jeff ducked and stabbed him in the arm. Keith dropped his knife and fell to the ground screaming. Troy rushd him too, but Jeff didn’t even need the knife. He just punched Troy straight in the stomach and Troy went down. As he fell, he puked all over. Liu could do nothing but look in amazement at Jeff.
“Jeff how’d you?” that was all he said. They saw the bus coming and knew they’d be blamed for the whole thing. So they started running as fast as they could. As they ran, they looked back and saw the bus driver rushing over to Randy and the others. As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they didn’t dare tell what happened. All they did was sit and listen. Liu just thought of that as his brother beating up a few kids, but Jeff knew it was more. It was something, scary. As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge to just, hurt someone. He didn’t like how it sounded, but he couldn’t help feeling happy. He felt that strange feeling go away, and stay away for the entire day of school. Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the bus stop, and how now he probably wouldn’t be taking the bus anymore, he felt happy. When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and he said, in a somewhat ominous voice, “It was a wonderful day.” Next morning, he heard a knock at his front door. He walked down to find two police officers at the door, his mother looking back at him with an angry look.
“Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. That it wasn’t regular fighting, and that they were stabbed. Stabbed, son!” Jeff’s gaze fell to the floor, showing his mother that it was true.
“Mom, they were the ones who pulled the knives on me and Liu.”
“Son,” said one of the cops,” We found three kids, two stabbed, one having a bruise on his stomach, and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene. Now, what does that tell us?” Jeff knew it was no use. He could say him and Liu had been attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who attacked first. They couldn’t say that they weren’t fleeing, because truth be told they were. So Jeff couldn’t defend himself or Liu.
“Son, call down your brother.” Jeff couldn’t do it, since it was him who beat up all the kids.
“Sir, it…it was me. I was the one who beat up the kids. Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn’t stop me.” The cop looked at his partner and they both nod.
“Well kid, looks like a year in Juvy…”
“Wait!” says Liu. They all looked up to see him holding a knife. The officers pulled their guns and locked them on Liu.
“It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks to prove it.” He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts and bruises, as if he was in a struggle.
“Son, just put the knife down,” said the officer. Liu held up the knife and dropped it to the ground. He put his hands up and walked over to the cops.
“No Liu, it was me! I did it!” Jeff had tears running down his face.
“Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away.” The police led Liu out to the patrol car.
“Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who beat up those kids!” Jeff’s mother put her hands on his shoulders.
“Jeff please, you don’t have to lie. We know it’s Liu, you can stop.” Jeff watched helplessly as the cop car speeds off with Liu inside. A few minutes later Jeff’s dad pulled into the driveway, seeing Jeff’s face and knowing something was wrong.
“Son, son what is it?” Jeff couldn’t answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying. Instead, Jeff’s mother walked his father inside to break the bad news to him as Jeff wept in the driveway. After an hour or so Jeff walked back in to the house, seeing that his parents were both shocked, sad, and disappointed. He couldn’t look at them. He couldn’t see how they thought of Liu when it was his fault. He just went to sleep, trying to get the whole thing off his mind. Two days went by, with no word from Liu at JDC. No friends to hang out with. Nothing but sadness and guilt. That is until Saturday, when Jeff is woke up by his mother, with a happy, sunshiny face.
“Jeff, it’s the day.” she said as she opened up the curtains and let light flood into his room.
“What, what’s today?” asked Jeff as he stirs awake.
“Why, it’s Billy’s party.” He was now fully awake.
“Mom, you’re joking, right? You don’t expect me to go to some kid’s party after…” There was a long pause.
“Jeff, we both know what happened. I think this party could be the thing that brightens up the past days. Now, get dressed.” Jeff’s mother walked out of the room and downstairs to get ready herself. He fought himself to get up. He picked out a random shirt and pair of jeans and walked down stairs. He saw his mother and father all dressed up; his mother in a dress and his father in a suit. He thought, why they would ever wear such fancy clothes to a kid’s party?
“Son, is that all your going to wear?” said Jeff’s mom.
“Better than wearing too much.” he said. His mother pushed down the feeling to yell at him and hid it with a smile.
“Now Jeff, we may be over-dressed, but this is how you go if you want to make an impression.” said his father. Jeff grunted and went back up to his room.
“I don’t have any fancy clothes!” he yelled down stairs.
“Just pick out something.” called his mother. He looked around in his closet for what he would call fancy. He found a pair of black dress pants he had for special occasions and an undershirt. He couldn’t find a shirt to go with it though. He looked around, and found only striped and patterned shirts. None of which go with dress pants. Finally he found a white hoodie and put it on.
“You’re wearing that?” they both said. His mother looked at her watch. “Oh, no time to change. Let’s just go.” She said as she herded Jeff and his father out the door. They crossed the street over to Barbara and Billy’s house. They knocked on the door and at it appeared that Barbara, just like his parents, way over-dressed. As they walked inside all Jeff could see were adults, no kids.
“The kids are out in the yard. Jeff, how about you go and meet some of them?” said Barbara.
Jeff walked outside to a yard full of kids. They were running around in weird cowboy costumes and shooting each other with plastic guns. He might as well be standing in a Toys R Us. Suddenly a kid came up to him and handed him a toy gun and hat.
“Hey. Wanna pway?” he said.
“Ah, no kid. I’m way too old for this stuff.” The kid looked at him with that weird puppydog face.
“Pwease?” said the kid. “Fine,” said Jeff. He put on the hat and started to pretend shoot at the kids. At first he thought it was totally ridiculous, but then he started to actually have fun. It might not have been super cool, but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off of Liu. So he played with the kids for a while, until he heard a noise. A weird rolling noise. Then it hit him. Randy, Troy, and Keith all jumped over the fence on their skateboards. Jeff dropped the fake gun and ripped off the hat. Randy looked at Jeff with a burning hatred.
“Hello, Jeff, is it?” he said. “We have some unfinished business.” Jeff saw his bruised nose.” I think we’re even. I beat the crap out of you, and you get my brother sent to JDC.”
Randy got an angry look in his eyes. “Oh no, I don’t go for even, I go for winning. You may have kicked our asses that one day, but not today.” As he said that Randy rushed at Jeff. They both fell to the ground. Randy punched Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and head butted him. Jeff pushed Randy off of him and both rose to their feet. Kids were screaming and parents were running out of the house. Troy and Keith both pulled guns out of their pockets.
“No one interrupts or guts will fly!” they said. Randy pulled a knife on Jeff and stabbed it into his shoulder.
Jeff screamed and fell to his knees. Randy started kicking him in the face. After three kicks Jeff grabs his foot and twists it, causing Randy to fall to the ground. Jeff stood up and walked towards the back door. Troy grabbed him.
“Need some help?” He picks Jeff up by the back of the collar and throws him through the patio door. As Jeff tries to stand he is kicked down to the ground. Randy repeatedly starts kicking Jeff, until he starts to cough up blood.
“Come on Jeff, fight me!” He picks Jeff up and throws him into the kitchen. Randy sees a bottle of vodka on the counter and smashes the glass over Jeff’s head.
“Fight!” He throws Jeff back into the living room.
“Come on Jeff, look at me!” Jeff glances up, his face riddled with blood. “I was the one who got your brother sent to JDC! And now you’re just gonna sit here and let him rot in there for a whole year! You should be ashamed!” Jeff starts to get up.
“Oh, finally! you stand and fight!” Jeff is now to his feet, blood and vodka on his face. Once again he gets that strange feeling, the one in which he hasn’t felt for a while. “Finally. He’s up!” says Randy as he runs at Jeff. That’s when it happens. Something inside Jeff snaps. His psyche is destroyed, all rational thinking is gone, all he can do, is kill. He grabs Randy and pile drives him to the ground. He gets on top of him and punches him straight in the heart. The punch causes Randy’s heart to stop. As Randy gasps for breath. Jeff hammers down on him. Punch after punch, blood gushes from Randy’s body, until he takes one final breath, and dies.
Everyone is looking at Jeff now. The parents, the crying kids, even Troy and Keith. Although they easily break from their gaze and point their guns at Jeff. Jeff see’s the guns trained on him and runs for the stairs. As he runs Troy and Keith let out fire on him, each shot missing. Jeff runs up the stairs. He hears Troy and Keith follow up behind. As they let out their final rounds of bullets Jeff ducks into the bathroom. He grabs the towel rack and rips it off the wall. Troy and Keith race in, knives ready.
Troy swings his knife at Jeff, who backs away and bangs the towel rack into Troy’s face. Troy goes down hard and now all that’s left is Keith. He is more agile than Troy though, and ducks when Jeff swings the towel rack. He dropped the knife and grabbed Jeff by the neck. He pushed him into the wall. A thing of bleach fell down on top of him from the top shelf. It burnt both of them and they both started to scream. Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could. He pulled back the towel rack and swung it straight into Keith’s head. As he lay there, bleeding to death, he let out an ominous smile.
“What’s so funny?” asked Jeff. Keith pulled out a lighter and switched it on. “What’s funny,” he said, “Is that you’re covered in bleach and alcohol.” Jeff’s eyes widened as Keith threw the lighter at him. As soon as the flame made contact with him, the flames ignited the alcohol in the vodka. While the alcohol burned him, the bleach bleached his skin. Jeff let out a terrible screech as he caught on fire. He tried to roll out the fire but it was no use, the alcohol had made him a walking inferno. He ran down the hall, and fell down the stairs. Everybody started screaming as they saw Jeff, now a man on fire, drop to the ground, nearly dead. The last thing Jeff saw was his mother and the other parents trying to extinguish the flame. That’s when he passed out.
When Jeff woke he had a cast wrapped around his face. He couldn’t see anything, but he felt a cast on his shoulder, and stitches all over his body. He tried to stand up, but he realized that there was some tube in his arm, and when he tried to get up it fell out, and a nurse rushed in.
“I don’t think you can get out of bed just yet.” she said as she put him back in his bed and re-inserted the tube. Jeff sat there, with no vision, no idea of what his surroundings were. Finally, after hours, he heard his mother.
“Honey, are you okay?” she asked. Jeff couldn’t answer though, his face was covered, and he was unable to speak. “Oh honey, I have great news. After all the witnesses told the police that Randy confessed of trying to attack you, they decided to let Liu go.” This made Jeff almost bolt up, stopping halfway, remembering the tube coming out of his arm. “He’ll be out by tomorrow, and then you two will be able to be together again.”
Jeff’s mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes. The next couple of weeks were those where Jeff was visited by his family. Then came the day where his bandages were to be removed. His family were all there to see it, what he would look like. As the doctors unwrapped the bandages from Jeff’s face everyone was on the edge of their seats. They waited until the last bandage holding the cover over his face was almost removed.
“Let’s hope for the best,” said the doctor. He quickly pulls the cloth; letting the rest fall from Jeff’s face.
Jeff’s mother screams at the sight of his face. Liu and Jeff’s dad stare awe-struck at his face.
“What? What happened to my face?” Jeff said. He rushed out of bed and ran to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress. His face. It…it’s horrible. His lips were burnt to a deep shade of red. His face was turned into a pure white color, and his hair singed from brown to black. He slowly put his hand to his face. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now. He looked back at his family then back at the mirror.
“Jeff,” said Liu, “It’s not that bad….”
“Not that bad?” said Jeff,” It’s perfect!” His family were equally surprised. Jeff started laughing uncontrollably His parents noticed that his left eye and hand were twitching.
“Uh… Jeff, are you okay?”
“Okay? I’ve never felt more happy! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, look at me. This face goes perfectly with me!” He couldn’t stop laughing. He stroked his face feeling it. Looking at it in the mirror. What caused this? Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Randy something in his mind, his sanity, snapped. Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his parents didn’t know.
“Doctor,” said Jeff’s mom, “Is my son… alright, you know. In the head?”
“Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken very large amounts of pain killers. If his behavior doesn’t change in a few weeks, bring him back here, and we’ll give him a psychological test.”
“Oh thank you doctor.” Jeff’s mother went over to Jeff.” Jeff, sweety. It’s time to go.”
Jeff looks away from the mirror, his face still formed into a crazy smile. “Kay mommy, ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!” his mother took him by the shoulder and took him to get his clothes.
“This is what came in,” said the lady at the desk. Jeff’s mom looked down to see the black dress pants and white hoodie her son wore. Now they were clean of blood and now stitched together. Jeff’s mother led him to his room and made him put his clothes on. Then they left, not knowing that this was their final day of life.
Later that night, Jeff’s mother woke to a sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded as if someone was crying. She slowly walked over to see what it was. When she looked into the bathroom she saw a horrendous sight. Jeff had taken a knife and carved a smile into his cheeks.
“Jeff, what are you doing?” asked his mother.
Jeff looked over to his mother. “I couldn’t keep smiling mommy. It hurt after awhile. Now, I can smile forever. Jeff’s mother noticed his eyes, ringed in black.
“Jeff, your eyes!” His eyes were seemingly never closing.
“I couldn’t see my face. I got tired and my eyes started to close. I burned out the eyelids so I could forever see myself; my new face.” Jeff’s mother slowly started to back away, seeing that her son was going insane. “What’s wrong mommy? Aren’t I beautiful?
“Yes son,” she said, “Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see your face.” She ran into the room and shook Jeff’s dad from his sleep. “Honey, get the gun we…..” She stopped as she saw Jeff in the doorway, holding a knife.
“Mommy, you lied.” That’s the last thing they hear as Jeff rushes them with the knife, gutting both of them.
His brother Liu woke up, startled by some noise. He didn’t hear anything else, so he just shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. As he was on the border of slumber, he got the strangest feeling that someone was watching him. He looked up, before Jeff’s hand covered his mouth. He slowly raised the knife ready to plunge it into Liu. Liu thrashed here and there trying to escape Jeff’s grip.
“Shhhhhhh,” Jeff said,”Just go to sleep.”
Credit To: Sesseur
Jeff the Killer,



Look, mommy. I’m The Joker!
Seriously, though.
insults……..
Well Jeff The Killer is Real… He died In 1947 And most of the content in the Pasta is Fake He was a killer but he lived in Oregan So yeah
what and i though he was a real 13 year old boy of this age in time i was so wrong but at least he is real that is all that counts
I love this story! Stop complaining people, shit.
The pic even looks like someone with sever downs syndrome. xD
he doesn’t look too bad, i feel sorry for him. i would help him if he couldn’t kill me :S but he probably is
true dat true dat
The story was interesting,but what creep’s me out is when i see this creepy photo… <(
Despite the general, already listed many times, issues with this story english language wise, the idea is salvageable and could do well given a proper chance rewritten.
One thing the writer needs to learn, however, is that if you want something to be ‘creepy’ then you need to get people out of their comfort zone. The creepiness that was hoped to be projected at the end with Jeffs family, was dampened because the audience had already acclimatised to the violence and fantastical earlier on. It needs balance. It was just more of the same. A firework is not so impressive if you’re already half deaf and toasty from an exploded a car.
Very poorly written, not at all scary/creepy. 0 stars.
Why do people hate this so much, yes lot’s of flaws but I know a lot of smart 13 year olds who would use the worlds illuminate and ominous and all those big words. Sure it wasn’t scary but it was a classic, I actually liked the action part too where he killed the kids with a bath towel bar. But remembering that the kids were only 12 and 13 was quite stupid. I think this deserves a 8/10 from me.
You People Are Completely Ridiculous.
“Little Kids Like The One At The Beginning Don’t Use Words Like ‘Ominous’ And Such.”
Bitch, I Was Using The Word Ominous Before I Was In The 5th Grade.
This Story, I Love It. It’s One Of My Favorite Scary Stories Ever. I Read It ALL The Time.
Also, This Is A CreepyPasta Story. Why Should It Be Believable?
There Are Stories Out There About Werewolves And Other Stupid Ass Shit. Look At Twilight, That Ain’t Realistic But There Are Millions Of Fans. So Just STFU, Kay? If You Don’t Like It, Don’t Comment. Just Skip To The Next Story. And Have A Nice Damn Day.
And With That, I Bid You Adieu.
im 11 and i use those words :p
this was ridiculous. honestly, I don’t know why some of you are defending this garbage. a highschool english teacher would’ve given this pasta an F, for sure. And kids are not gonna use illuminate and ominous in everyday language, writing maybe, but not speaking. this pasta needs a lot of work. The plot was kind of okay, but it wasn’t all that scary and had lots of holes. Why did Jeff get so angry? That was never explained. This pasta was honestly not worth my time, or the right to be called a classic. The internet needs better taste.
God this is bad. The grammar and punctuation is atrocious and the story is basically the much more shitty version of the Joker. Nothing about it makes me feel creeped out at all. Then the face at the end amounts to a 5th grader’s attempt at photoshop.
Not fun to read and no terrifying pay off.
Also I think I’m going to write a pasta about the mental disorder that makes KittyBoo begin every word with a capital letter.
Good story, you could of explained a few thing s a bit better, like why jeff got angry and you how the kids at the end knew jeff was to kill him but all in all really good and i enjoyed it “
After seeing all the hate comments on this i’m not sure if i was to upload my stories on here. I reckon this storie was awesome! Sure SOME parts could have been written better but still it was good. I say ‘ Well done to the writer of this! It kept my interested. It was thrilling and gave me the goose bumps’.
Instead of all the people who have been writing ‘this is shit, needs work’ It wouldn’t hurt to say it nice. I’m sure writers like feed back but not feed back like that!
Well done, Jeff The Killer. (:
Okay, all of you people who said this story wasn’t great or thought it was a piece of shit are TOTAL ASSHOLES!!!! THE PERSON WHO WROTE THIS TRIED HIS/HER HARDEST AND THEY PROBABLY WROTE THIS AT 3:00 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!! SO STOP WRITING SHITTY COMMENTS YOU HATERS AND TROLLERS!!!! YOU PROBABLY WROTE THOSE COMMENTS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO LIFE!!! NOW SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!!! D:<
Sorry, I know I sounded like an asshole but seriously not cool. Keep your hater comments to yourselves
While I was reading the end where he cut the smile and got the black circles and stuff I was like oh hey so this is how the Joker got started
A thing of bleach fell down on top of him from the top shelf. It burnt both of them and they both started to scream. Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could. He pulled back the towel rack and swung it straight into Keith’s head. As he lay there, bleeding to death, he let out an ominous smile.
who wrote this??? I don’t want to sound like a troll but honestly, this story is just bad. Its ridiculous for one thing, particularly the party fight. what the hell? Theres SO many inconsistencies and plot holes…. The writing is mediocre at best, and the grammar is simply wrong in places. “a Thing of bleach”?? honestly? “He let out an ominous smile” Really? could you show me what that looks like? I swear this person just whipped out a dictionary and tried to use words that weren’t in his vocabulary. Im sorry to people who like this, buts its bad. Ridiculous. This has such a fan following and its sort of sad. Honestly why do people like this? Its not even an original idea like people are saying! Lord Ive written better stories for school work….
Not meaning to sound too critical but this was a extremely average pasta at best. It throws off the impression that it was written by a pre-pubescent boy who has a mind full of cliches and a taste for excessive violence. You relied far too heavily on graphic, narcissistic story telling to try ‘scare’ us, the audience, when really, all it does is bore us.
There was far too much ‘telling’ in this story and not enough ‘showing’. In almost all cases it is far more effective to give subtle hints about what is happening in a scene and letting the reader draw their own conclusions about what is happening than to just downright shove it in our faces. I.e ‘Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Randy something in his mind, his sanity, snapped. Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his parents didn’t know.’ *barf*.
The changing narratives in this story are poorly constructed and do not blend together well at all. In general, this story feels awkward and rushed. Scares were not had.
3/10
a lovley (evil) tale
I would just like to point out that most vodka bottles are REALLY hard to brake over your/someone else’s head. Everything else i’ll let slide but that i could not let stand.
what a load of bollocks. How can Randy admit it was him if “his heart was stopped”?
Fucking retards.
had potential. but you didn’t seem to build on it. personally I’ve always like the creepy/evil children thing (ie Damien, Children of The Corn ect.) so i expected a little more form this. you kept switching between past and present tense. which honestly sir, one author to another (though no i do not have any of my stories posted here as mine are all anime fan fictions) is just bad writing. also i have a deep interest in criminal psychology, so i expected a lot more from this story, you could have build upon Jeff`s `feeling` and gone into the mental deterioration of a serial killer slowly caving into his buried desires, but didn’t. You could have expanded upon legal niceties and made the arrest and trail juvy process more realistic but didn’t. also to point out what many of the previous commentors have said, you botched the general speech patterns of human beings in modern times. you had people speaking in such stiff formal terms it felt robotic and dishonest and just not good. and i must also agree with past commentors, they`re prepubescent kids and they`re having epic battles to the death? in public? with absolutely no outside interference? now the lack of realism in the fighting styles of barely teenaged boys aside. had you had them fighting in a different area, rather than a home full of small children and protective parents you may have been able to play off bystander apathy, but once again didn’t. I’m sorry sir, but I just don’t know what to make of this, do I chalk you up as a bad writer? Do i write it all off as you were just too lazy to put actual effort into your work? or do i assume you’re one of the countless people on the internet that think they’re amazing and will try to voodoo me into oblivion for saying anything at all? personally i think it was laziness, you didn’t try, you didn’t care and it came out as an unimpressive, mediocre clusterfuck trying to pass itself off as a story.
I wanna hear more about jeffs other kills…other than that I think this is a great pasta, I love how there is a back story to jeff
Just awful. I’m sorry, but the word Matrix has been thrown around on this comment thread and absolutely correctly. I have expected Randy to jump through a wall, or Jeff to rip a traffic sign out of the ground to beat the others to death.
You could also have explained why Jeff got these feelings. Fine, a mole of reasonable intelligence could fathom that it had something to do with the first killer, who could have been integrated to the story better, I’m just sayin’, but how did the personality transfer? Was he impregnated or something?! Or do you have to look at him and that’s it? Again, ridiculous, especially considering that, if those powers did “swap” over and suddenly Jeff could take on 3 thugs with knives on his own, then how the hell couldn’t the first killer kill a 12 y.o little boy?!
And did anyone else notice Troy, the fat kid who hadn’t “exercised since he was crawling” (wtf?!) sailing through the air on a Skateboard? How the fuck could a kid that fat clear what was likely a seven foot fence on a skateboard?!
Then the guns. I was waiting for Randy to break out the Apache chopper, or at least the rpg.
I am actually getting irritated writing this. Learn some basic english and some aestheticism in your writing. Otherwise, what you write will only ever be truly, heartbreakingly, infuriatingly ridiculous.