The murky fog made it difficult to see where the forest ends and the road starts. It was late dusk but the tree lined road had trees whose branches sheltered the road from any sunlight. Twilight was soon approaching so the walk became darker and darker. To the left of me was a forest and to the right was even more forest, the trees were so close together you couldn’t see anything only black shadows. As I walked along that long and lonesome road, I kept my mind blank and tried not to creep myself out. I looked up at the canopy above me, and to the left and the right of me, I really am surrounded by trees, I thought. That one narrow road in the centre of an intimidating forest was probably used by travellers, strolling players and traders wondering from one market or village to another. Or maybe the road was used by cunning highwaymen gunning down their victim to either take their money and goods or their lives.
I tried to keep my mind blank to drown out the whispers of the trees enclosed on me. Imagine all the secrets those trees new, every secret about every person who strolled down that road. If trees could talk would they tell us everything or remain quiet as they did now? Would they tell us about all the events that happened there that they have witnessed? The mercenaries, highwaymen and robbers who murdered all of the travellers, strolling players and tradesmen were forever watched by the surrounding eyes of the tightly packed trees. There were murders on this road, I thought, in this very spot where I’m walking. Oh stop it. I was starting to scare myself.
I listened around. There was no wind. No birds. No crickets. Why is it so quiet? No noise. It was just me, the surrounding forest and my thoughts. I had forgotten about the murky fog I was in. It had become even denser. Quickly it became almost too thick to see through. I couldn’t feel any wind but the bushes and branches behind me were rustling. I quickened my pace. The forest seemed to go on forever. Every tree was identical and the rustling followed me like a creature running through the bushes. I couldn’t understand how the bushes would rustle without the wind. Is something following me? Or someone?
I flinched as a huge branch suddenly snapped and echoed through the forest. It rang in my ears and I immediately stopped in my tracks. I stood there frozen to the spot. I did not move a muscle and I could feel my heart pounding so loudly. I strained my ears to listen for any movement behind me. I sensed the presence behind me. Someone was following me. I started walking subconsciously. I pressed on in a straight line and quickened my pace. They quickened. I slowed down to hear their footsteps but they sped up. I panicked. I ran down the pitch dark road. I ran between the forests either side of me. I ran over the cobbles of the road, which hurt my feet as I sprinted without thinking. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to turn around. I knew I would freeze if I saw somebody behind me. I was exhausted and couldn’t even tell where my feet were going. I slowed down slightly but tripped on a loose cobble lying upright on the road. I fell to the ground and smashed my right elbow on the cobbled ground. I cursed my clumsiness. The road was damp from the fog and cold to the touch. I sat up and examined my elbow as much as I could. It was dark so I tried to make my eyes see more clearly but failed. My elbow was throbbing with pain and for a few moments I forgot about the follower. As I stood up I searched for any figures. There was no one here. I either out ran them or I imagined it.
I took two steps back and bumped into what looked like a sign post made of extremely old rotten wood. I couldn’t make out what some of it said at first but what I could make out said ‘The Old Mill’. A mill. Excellent. Human beings. Or at least a safe place to be. I could just stay there till dawn; surely it wasn’t a long way off, I thought. I had walked down that road for hours. I looked up at the sign, it pointed diagonally through the forest. At first I thought somebody may have bumped it to point away from the road but then as I followed where it was pointing I saw there was a path buried and entrapped by thorns, nettles and bushes. It must have been a shortcut, or a walker’s trail. I didn’t know whether to follow the road onwards or risk getting hurt by thorns and nettles and follow the trail to the safety of a mill. I thought it over for a minute, still facing the horizon of the road. I was about to leave and follow the cobbled road onwards when a dark shadow loomed over me. I saw it appear on the floor in front of me. I could sense that someone was behind me. No. It didn’t feel like someone, I thought. It didn’t feel human. I just stood there, frozen, staring at the shadow that did not belong to me.
A fog-like smoke floated around my feet clearly visible through the previous fog. In only a short amount of time did it completely cover my feet and the strange shadow. I could still sense that something was behind me. If it wanted to kill me wouldn’t it have done so already? I thought. So I inhaled a big breath and swung around sharply to see what was behind me. There was nothing here. No person. No killer. No inhuman monster out to get me. My eyes searched my surroundings looking for anything, anything at all. I felt so happy. I smiled. I turned and looked at the trees next to the sign post. I was trying to see through the trees as far as I could but it was just darkness.
A sudden chill flew through the air which wiped the grin off my face as fast as a pendulum swung. I was still staring through the darkness between the trees when, I don't know what, but a shadowy, smoky demonic face came hurtling towards me. The face felt as if it literally went through me and I screamed as I saw my fears before my eyes. The impact threw me onto the floor. I sat there dazed and petrified as I pulled myself together, struggled and scurried to get up and ran as fast as I could through the thorn entrapped trail heading towards the mill. I have never run so fast in my life. I just kept running. The fears and the face were still burned into my mind. My legs were being scratched and my trousers were ripped in many places. I was bleeding everywhere. As I ran through the forest following the trail, I ran up and over a small hill. As my eyes adjusted to light there it was; the old mill. I’m nearly there, I thought. Come on. The nettles and thorns disappeared and the forest floor turned into soft grass. I was in open air. No forest just an old mill. I still pictured that demonic face. I was still petrified. I could still hear rustling in the forest. Maybe that face was following me again, I thought. No. Not again.
I finally reached the mill. I stammered to open the huge barn doors. I pulled up the heavy wooden bolt. Opened the door and raced in. I walked away from the door, backwards. Nothing is going to hurt me here, I thought. I’m safe. My heart was pounding so loudly I thought it would explode. I heard a low rumbling behind me. I slowly and hesitantly turned around. A huge strange shadow emerged from under the door. It glided slowly towards me. I stepped backwards against the wall. There was nowhere to go. It came closer. And closer. And closer. It was like nothing I ever saw. I was cornered, trapped. The shadow was at my feet now. It sucked itself up through my legs. It froze me to the spot. Tears were running down my face as it made its way up through my body. It felt like it was sucking everything out of me. The pain was excruciating, unbearable. I could feel the shadow flowing through my veins but felt like sharp knives instead of an untouchable shadow. The monster flowed up through my bloodstained legs. Through my hips. Through my torso. My heart stopped. No heart beat. It made its way up my neck and into my skull. As it hit my brain it felt like it was sucking all the life out of me. It floated out of the top of my head and as the last inch of the shadow left my body I fell to the ground. Nothing. No heart beat. No life. No warmth. No soul.
That’s what it does. The Wraith. It takes multiple forms to manipulate its victims but it’s commonly seen in its shadow form. Either as a stalking shadow upon the ground or a rotting corpse in the guise of a shadow. The Wraith does not know the meaning of mercy, by causing unbearable pain, it sucks the soul out of your body and your body disappears into the ground. The Wraith takes your body to feast on in the underworld. All that is left is your shadow imprinted into the ground. Permanently.
Credit To – Gina Hollaway
Copyright Statement: Unless explicitly stated, all stories published on Creepypasta.com are the property of (and under copyright to) their respective authors, and may not be narrated or performed under any circumstance.
33 thoughts on “The Wraith”
Not very good. 4/10 The lack of proofreading/editing done on this piece is staggering. The prose just does not flow well, many sentences are confusing or down-right silly i.e. “It was dark so I tried to make my eyes see more clearly but failed.”,“I saw my fears before my eyes.”, “It was late dusk but the tree lined road had trees whose branches sheltered the road from any sunlight.” The tree lined road had trees…? No kidding? And so many grammatical errors. You’ve got some talent and the idea at the end about the permanent shadow was cool, but your errors show a serious lack of care considering all you had to do was read or have someone else read your work before submission. Keep reading and writing, and for cripes sake proofread and edit your work!
So many halo thoughts right now.
pick a better title next time
Well, I was REEEAALLY trying to get into the story, but it’s too much like Fable 2, and now I have to go play it.
gotta tidy up that grammar and spelling but otherwise a good story. fine more descriptive words for the word tree or figure out ways to make the trees seem eerie.
I think can see what the author was trying to aim for here, the sort of creepypasta where you’re rewarded for your trepidation with a huge scare at the end and something clever to take home.
It comes up a bit short in several ways:
1. The language reminds me of The Catcher in the Rye; maybe what the author was trying to say was that the protagonist kept repeating his thoughts just to make sure?
If so, there are still awkward juxtapositions like “A fog-like smoke floated around my feet clearly visible through the previous fog” which sort of indicates that the author ran out of descriptive words.
2. IMO, these slow burn creepypastas sell themselves by their descriptions, trying to create the atmosphere of tension. The descriptions here are quite okay, but the language skips like a broken record sometimes because it keeps repeating itself needlessly.
3. Minor point, but the repetition of ‘I’ in the beginning of every sentence ruined the flow for me. It sort of emphasizes the disconnect between the reader and the protagonist.
4. The climax was anticlimatic. The protagonist just sort of dies without putting up any resistance and the culprit was a bit of a stereotype. Also, after she’s dead, who’s narrating?
I enjoyed the bits describing the walk through the woods though. If the diction was dusted up a bit, it’d get a loot creepier.
This seems too much like “In the Bayou”, except for the little bit of creativity with the ‘shadow on the floor forever’ in the very end. The pasta is littered with so many small grammatically incorrect errors that it becomes extremely annoying after a point. The end seems far too knowing for a first-person themed story. And the beginning overuses the word ‘trees’. Many of the sentences make absolutely no logical sense.
“I saw my fears before my eyes.”
“To the left of me was a forest and to the right was even more forest, the trees were so close together you couldn’t see anything only black shadows.”
“I stammered to open the huge barn doors.”
Ok. So I understand that these aren’t works of published genius, but honestly, 7/10? This was a train wreck! As the others pointed out, your grammatical errors and overuse of the word ‘trees’ began to drive me insane. I read on, hoping that past that little speed bump, the rest of the pasta would live up to its rating but honestly, I feel that the only way this was scary at all was the thought of the disaster that fiction is becoming. How did this even get approved? Not a good pasta, 4/10 if generous, please have someone critique your work before you try submitting again.
And why are you reading creepypasta when you’re supposed to be working on your term paper entitled “Trees in classic literature of the 1820-1830s” I told you to write?
7/10 shows that most ppl here don’t care for snobbykid opinions expressed in the comments.
How about you shut up and move along then, kid?
Cough shut the fuck up cough
I think the writing and story show potential. Yes, the writing was a bit clunky in places but I think you did a good job at creating a creepy, foreboding atmosphere.
I think a bit of foreshadowing would have improved the ending. If the wraith leaves the shadows of its victims, then mentioning an abundance of odd shadows in the forest would have been a nice, creepy touch.
I think the ending was a little quick and blunt. Maybe it could have stalked the narrator in shadow form a little, conjured some creepy apparitions or something. Overall, the story was fairly good and as you continue writing I think you’ll produce some great stuff!
It started off very good, but then you started going into the details just a touch too much for your own good what made my mind wander away from the story and the intensity drop.
You made your main character quite realistic, which is very good and a rare thing in pastas. Although, he didn’t have a proper background (assuming a male) – why was he wandering in a forest alone, late at night?
The description of the attack felt a bit cheap, to be honest, but the end of the story really gave off that creepy scent a delicious pasta needs to produce.
If it weren’t for the spelling/grammar, I’d give it an 8.
No, when you happen to appear in a dark forest late at night without even wondering how you got there, you don’t “start off very good” and you won’t end up “very good” either.
I don’t know it just wasnt impressive. I wish you would have done something different with the trees or anything
Not gonna lie, part of me was expecting Shia LeBouf to jump out in this…
lol, your comment reminded me of this XD
Overall, an interesting story, however, I agree with Caleb in saying that there were many little grammatical errors throughout the story, that there were lots of missing commas, and that the word tree was used a few too many times during the beginning. I also agree with ALB that some of the language used was unclear, and could have used a little bit of editing. My rating would be a 7/10, because of the few errors. Not commenting about all the problems within the story to be mean, but trying to improve your writing, much like everybody else.
Thatsssssssssssssssssssssss A Nice Name You Got There It Will Be A SSSSsssssshame For It To Go Away
I rrrrrrrraaaaaaarrrrealy liked it
I see that you’re trying to create another Creepypasta creature like Jake the Killer, Candlejack, Slenderman etc.
I see that you’re trying to vreate another Creepypasta creature like Jake the Killer, Candlejack, Slenderman etc.
“Jake” the killer?
“It was late dusk but the tree lined road had trees whose branches sheltered the road from any sunlight.”
Wait, I’m unclear on something, were there trees?
“I really am surrounded by trees, I thought.”
Well that is characteristic of being in a forest, yes.
“I tried to keep my mind blank to drown out the whispers of the trees enclosed on me. Imagine all the secrets those trees new, every secret about every person who strolled down that road. If trees could talk would they tell us everything or remain quiet as they did now?”
Okay, we get it, there were trees, yes, thank you.
“I started walking subconsciously.”
“It was dark so I tried to make my eyes see more clearly but failed.”
“I saw my fears before my eyes.”
Okay, I’m sorry, I’m being snide, yes, that’s not constructive. But, I’m sure you get the point: This is some of the most baffling language I’ve ever encountered. It feels a bit like those YouTube subtitles, you know the ones I mean? Even if you’re an amateur writer, an editor is a good thing. Find someone, or better yet, several someone’s, willing to read your work before anyone else, and make sure it’s someone who will be honest about it (for real, I mean; everyone will SAY they’re going to be honest, but the person who actually is will be pretty a rare commodity), and even just that simple addition to your writing process will help avoid a lot of these kinds of problems. Because everyone is going to make mistakes, there’s no way around that no matter who you are or how good of a writer you may be; you need someone to catch them.
“The Wraith takes your body to feast on in the underworld. All that is left is your shadow imprinted into the ground. Permanently.”
Hmm. Well, that is kind of a neat idea. I’d expand on that. However, as-written it doesn’t make much sense; shouldn’t that forest just be filled with people’s shadows then? I mean, if they’re really permanent, they’re gonna stack up pretty deep, no? Well, it’s a dark forest, perhaps no one notices. Still…
That was a beauifully constructed comment, sir.
This comment is better than the story, i died out of laughter reading it :D
That was too meticulous. What we are dealing with is actually a paranoid psychopath who likes to visit places where “the trees” are “so close together you couldn’t see anything only black shadows”. The protagonist/narrator likes to visit such places specifically at night and get scarred as shit by the feeling of being followed. Maybe the narrator has amnesia and hallucinations? Whatever the case, the narrator shows interest in communication with trees to know people’s secrets. Moreover, the narrator died, but still found a way to tell us the story. So, generally, this is a nice portion of schizophrenia for readers and remember: “All that is left is your shadow imprinted into the ground. Permanently.
Hmm. Well, that is kind of a neat idea. I’d expand on that. However, as-written it doesn’t make much sense; shouldn’t that forest just be filled with people’s shadows then?” The patient is not hopeless and may still recover, but talks with trees will be restricted from now on.
Schisophrenic narration isn’t bad in a creepypasta, no? If I’ve understood everything in your comments, you’re a bunch of snobs, if I’ve not than sry.
There were many small grammatical errors throughout this story: many missing commas and both past and present tense were used. I’m not criticizing your story to be mean, I’m doing it because I want to help you become a better writer. You also overused the word “trees” at the beginning, but other than these comments, great story overall; I enjoyed it. 7/10