Reading a couple stories here, and something that happened to me came to mind.
You ever have moments that you blip out completely? As if your brain can bother to remember something only so often, so it’s shoved into the depths of your memory? But something always seems to unleash it.
I’d forgotten the house on 12 Dahlia Road, in the little town of Mary Esther, Florida.
Though, “forgotten” isn’t altogether the right word here, because the truth is, I’d never really forget.
The things I’m about to tell you are completely true, in which even my family can attest to. Not one to be fictitious or exaggerating, I will tell you this story in its entirety. Names and places, however, have been changed to protect those that have witnessed it.
My husband passed away when I’d been pregnant with my daughter. On his way home from work one evening, he’d been T-boned by a drunk driver and had slid peacefully into a coma while on site. He’d simply never woken up.
During my mourning, I’d stayed with my parents until our daughter, Callie, was born.
She was, I want to say, nine months old when I’d been feeding her breakfast in the small kitchen one morning.
Her high chair was wedged between the table and the wall as best I could manage while still allowing room for movement in the little dining area.
My father hadn’t been able to squeeze through the gap and, I guess, that had been the snapping point.
“Lori,” he sighed, setting his coffee mug on the table heavily. Coffee sloshed over the rim and stained the table’s scratched and marred surface. “Katherine,” my mom,” and I have been talking for a while now, and we’d like to give you the other house.”
A little backstory here; when I’d been eleven, we’d moved shortly after my grandfather had passed, and into my grandmother’s house two cities over. My father had felt she needed someone to look after her in her age, and we hadn’t bothered to sell the other house.
Instead, we’d rent it out and save the extra money for emergencies. Occasionally, we’d lent it to children of friends, or a college graduate transitioning from school to the real world.
It was slightly damaged from over the years, but it was my childhood home. I was more than happy to raise my daughter in the house that had shaped me as a child.
It wasn’t as if I didn’t enjoy my family or didn’t love them enough. The memories I had after Kevin’s death were full of warm comfort and patience.
My parents were wonderful, and had made a point to make sure I never felt as if I inconvenienced them in anyway.
Looking back on it, I think they were a little sad I was taking their only daughter and granddaughter from their home, but they also understood my need for independence again. I needed my own home, my own space. Something in which I could carve out “MINE!” in the world, in big, bold letters.
And the house in Mary Esther seemed like a perfect opportunity.
It had taken almost a week to ready the house just to move in. Luckily, friends, family, and neighbors seemed to crawl out of the woodwork to help.
They’d installed a new garage door, a working dishwasher, helped fix the leaky roof. They’d even repaired the damages a previous tenant’s dog had wrecked.
The dog must’ve been a massive thing because it had broken a sliding glass bathtub door, shredded through cabinets, and taken huge chunks out of the hallway’s carpet.
In the end, we couldn’t save the floor and ripped it out. We’d placed down linoleum tile that looked like faux wood flooring, but much cheaper.
The linen closet at the end of the hall had been left unscathed, so the carpet in there remained. It poked out a little along the bottom of the door, but it was tolerable.
I wasn’t about to complain, after all. Everybody had put in so much effort to make me right at home; a little fluff under a door was the last thing I was going to gripe about.
I was thankful.
It was a Monday evening when I’d finally gotten settled into my new home. I had taken putting everything where it belonged on pause, so that I could give Callie a bath in the new tub.
We hadn’t had a tub in my grandmother’s home. The house had been fashioned around someone handicapped, so we’d had the big, bulky shower stalls.
In the new house, though, we had a big tub in the hall bathroom and Callie was more than excited to check it out.
Covered in bubbles of lavender-scented baby shampoo, she giggled and played until she was all tuckered out.
I realized I’d accidentally put up all the towels instead of leaving a handful in the bathroom for drying, and let Callie sit in the little remaining water as I went to the linen closet at the end of the hall.
It was only a short ten paces away, at most.
It had been the linen closet when I’d been a child and my mother had taken to putting the excess sheets, towels, and linens along wooden shelves that lined the interior of the spacious room. Having recently acquired the house, I took up the same habit.
Comforted by the familiarity of my childhood home, its familiar smell, I listened to Callie splash and play in the last few drops of water as I stopped short in the hallway.
It was the first time I actually noticed the doorknob. It wasn’t just a smooth, gold knob like the other closets in the hall, or even the bedroom doors, for that matter.
A turn-style lock on the doorknob, on the outside. It didn’t sit well with me.
Had someone been locking someone/something in the linen closet?
Maybe it was the dog that destroyed the house, I thought to myself. Maybe it got out of hand occasionally and they’d locked it in the spacious closet?
It was odd that the door would have a lock on the outside, and I made a mental note to change it.
What had the previous renters been doing here?
What if Callie locked herself in the closet by accident? She was autistic and would panic horribly. It would take hours for her to calm down if that happened.
I swaddled her in the oversized towel, which hung over her feet and pooled on the floor in heavy, maroon shades. Her blonde hair spiked all over her head in all directions and she giggled as I dried and tickled her mercilessly.
Afterwards, I slid her into her Hello Kitty footed pajamas and tucked her into her crib.
I hated that crib, to tell you the truth. It was massive, and being a small woman of only five feet in height, it was a real pain to get her in and out of the thing. It felt as if my abdomen was bruising every time I leaned over the wooden rails to pick her up.
I sat in the large rocking chair my grandmother had given to me as a housewarming present and read her the tale of The Last Basselope.
It was a book my father had read to me almost every night, in that very room, in that very chair.
Truthfully, I was a little homesick. I missed my folks, but more so, I missed Kevin horribly, wishing that he could see us more then than anything else.
I missed his smell, the texture of his clothes, the feel of his breath. It shattered my heart just to think of him.
He’d never even gotten a chance to see Callie, or read to her, or touch her face. He’d never gotten a chance to watch her first steps, hear her first words, or help her on the bus on the first day of school. All because some stupid kid had decided he’d been okay to drink and drive.
I was crying quietly by the time she’d fallen asleep.
Sniffling softly, I placed the book on the chair and headed to the bathroom, leaving her door opened a crack so I could hear her better. Her soft snores floated after me.
Leaving her room, the linen closet was directly on the left; the dead center of the end of the hallway.
That damn lock, I kept thinking. It just does not make sense. Who would put it there? Was it a temp fix for a broken knob, maybe? Why not just switch it out with one of the plain bedroom knobs then?
I dampened the corner of Callie’s bath towel and dabbed my eyes. I hung it over the shower rail and blew my nose in a handful of tissue paper.
No more tears, I told myself. It’s a new start, a new beginning.
The lights in the bathroom flickered briefly, which wasn’t exactly abnormal.
We lived rather close to the Air Force base, so the practiced bombings occasionally caused electrical interference.
Off in the distance, I remember, I could even faintly hear it. The heavy OOMPH noise that sounded like heavy fireworks in the distance.
I settled into the living room, keeping an ear open for the baby as I began to read in the quiet of the new house.
At first, I didn’t notice the sound. A new house, it’s bound to have some random ticks.
The steadily cracking along the top of the walls, a small scraping sound.
I muttered in disgust, “Great,” as I slid the bookmark into a page and set the novel down.
My first thought was, “There’s some kind of animal in the crawl space.”
From the way the scratching, scraping bounced up and down the wall suddenly, I assumed it was a squirrel.
It ran from floor to ceiling, a sound like scurrying and bobbing. Small claws rattled against the wooden posts of the inner wall and sheetrock lining.
I followed the noise, trying to track where it could possibly be.
It went along the top of the living room wall, down the corner, back up the cold air return in the mouth of the hall, and around the top of the door frame of the bathroom.
“Oh, it’s going to wake up Callie,” I grumbled, getting royally pissed off suddenly.
She’d already had a traumatic day with moving and all the people. The last thing she needed was to wake up and have a meltdown.
Like I said, she’s autistic and absolutely hated anything that wrecked with her routine.
Messing with sleep time definitely wrecked her routine.
A heavy thump and something that sounded like a slide, and I’d decided I’ve just about had enough!
I darted in my room, across the hall from Callie’s room, and next to that damn closet, and snatched the phone receiver off its charging base.
I punched in my father’s cellphone number instantly and listened to the ringing.
In the spanse of time it took him to answer, the thing in the crawl space had maneuvered to the ceiling right outside my bedroom door.
“Lori, are you okay?” was the first thing he asked, bless his heart.
“Yeah,” I reassured him instantly, feeling more than a little guilty and foolish for calling so abruptly. “It’s just that there’s something moving around in the crawlspace beneath the attic in the house.”
After a short pause, he laughed in his usual warm, grumbly way and said, “It’s probably a ‘possum or squirrel.”
I agreed with him. “True, but I don’t know who to call about it and I’m afraid it’ll wake up the baby.”
A few grumbling noises and the slam of a pickup truck’s tailgate later, he began, “I can head out in the morning-”
But my mother interrupted him. “Is that Lori? Does she need something?” her voice had begun to go a bit nervous around the edges and raising. “We can be over there in fifteen minutes, honey!”
“It’s just a rodent problem,” he tried to tell her, but being my mom, that was the worst thing he could’ve told her.
“A rodent problem? Dammit, Allen,” she’d gone into full raging by then. “Get the truck loaded up. Our grandbaby doesn’t need that crap!”
The scraping had intensified by then, and slithered around the wall in the corner of my room.
“Is that it?” Dad asked, hearing the sound over the phone.
“Yeah,” I answered, smacking the wall in an attempt to frighten and quiet the wretched thing.
It didn’t work.
Instead, it became more agitated and scraped with frantic claws that sounded as if they were the size of butcher knives.
“Jesus,” he muttered. “Katherine,” to my mother, he shouted, “get the shovel from beside the garage while I get the keys.” To me, “Don’t aggravate it. It might have rabies.”
Hell, I hadn’t even thought about that until then.
“Can it get in the actual house?” I asked, worry for my child seeping into my heart.
I darted across the hall and peeked into her room, but she was still fast asleep in the big crib, with her princess nightlight shining over her.
“Block off the cold air return and the closet,” he informed me. “If it’s in the crawl space, it might be able to get to the ventilation fan in the utility closet.”
A new set of worries plagued me as he promised to be there in no less than fifteen minutes, and if anything else happened, to call his cellphone right away.
I closed the door to Callie’s room as a precaution and kicked into gear as I slid the phone into my back pocket.
While the creature scraped and bounced down the walls, I somehow moved the small recliner in the living room down the linoleum floor of the hall, and positioned it in front of the cold air return below the utility closet. I’d successfully blocked both with one piece of furniture.
Feeling rather proud of myself, I sat in the chair for a moment and waited on Mom and Dad.
Silence abruptly filled the hall. The scuttling drained away as if it had never been.
It was so unnerving, the hairs on the back of my neck raised as gooseflesh marched up and down my arms, climbed my cheeks.
It hadn’t been silent for almost an hour. Nothing but constant scraping, slithering, bouncing, and scratching.
I’d have preferred the movement to the unsettling, deafening quiet. With her bedroom closed, I didn’t even have Callie’s light snore to drown it out.
I sat in that hall, in that chair, and listened to the sound of my own pulse rushing through my ears for I don’t know how long.
Each rhythmic rush of blood seemed louder than the last.
I tried to lick my suddenly dry lips but found my tongue had been equally devoid of moisture. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat.
My thoughts raced. Had it gotten hurt or maybe stuck? Maybe it had found an escape and I was wasting my parents’ time?
I felt like a fool sitting there, with my chair wedged against the wall, waiting for my heartbeat to slow.
But then something shoved the chair from behind and I was moved a good half-foot. Too scared to even scream, I shoved the chair back just as hard.
The only thought, I can honestly say, that filled my head at that precise moment, was of my baby.
Callie was in that house, with that creature that was shoving against my chair, shoving against my back. My baby was in possible mortal danger.
My heart soared as I went into some kind of protective overdrive.
I jumped up and whirled, shoving with all my might to slam that chair right back into that damn wall.
No creature on Earth was going to burst into my home and threaten me and my child!
The utility door tried to open once more, rocking the chair forward before I kicked it shut again.
Scraping, scratching, a kind of odd hiss, and it was back into the ceiling. It scrambled faster now, and I scrambled just as fast after it.
It darted down the hall, bouncing between the door frames of the guest room, the bathroom, my bedroom, Callie’s, before starting all over again.
I was going to kill the thing with my own hands at this point! Let it come down the utility closet. I was going to strangle it to death for doing this crap to me!
Squirrel, ‘possum, rat, whatever. It was dead, I tell you.
My pulse was pounding on the back of my tongue so hard, I could almost taste it.
I’d grabbed the broom from the bathroom and wielded it like a sword as I waited for the creature to seek purchase somewhere.
Hell, at that point, I’d probably slam the broom handle through the ceiling to kill that little devil.
I was snarling, stark-raving mad, trying to keep as quiet as possible. I felt as if I had become an overprotective mama bear and I needed blood to calm down.
Something shifted and the scrapings changed. It went into the ceiling space in the linen closet.
I was so enraged, I nearly ripped the doorknob off the door to open it, but before I could, what sounded as if boards, wooden boards, were being rendered and ripped from inside.
I stopped, the onslaught of fury in me feeding to near panic. It felt as if the fight had gone right out of me, replaced solely with horrifying, chilling terror.
It hadn’t sounded big enough to do that much damage. It hadn’t sounded like it had fingers or teeth that could yank the ceiling right out of the little room.
A heavy thump and a slithery shift before what I could only imagine sounded of heavy towels and sheets falling to the ground within the linen closet.
The growl that crawled from under the door sent shivers up my spine and arms.
Broom in hand, I was preparing to slaughter it while my heart was wedged in my throat and I wondered, for the first time, if I’d actually survive it.
It sounded like a dog. I know that sounds crazy, but it sounded like a dog pacing in the confines of the linen closet and fear, cold and real, iced my body from the inside out.
The doorknob grabbed my attention, and I swear to you, it started to turn.
That lock, that damn lock, and I clicked it home.
The creature howled, livid beyond all belief, and slammed into the door bodily, heavily.
The thick wood physically shook in the frame.
Phone retrieved from my back pocket, I frantically called my father as tears filled my eyes. I honestly did not expect to survive the otherworldly creature I’d locked in my linen closet.
How could I protect my baby if I was dead? I was almost crying.
He answered on the third ring, the sound of my mother laughing in the background.
“Where are you?” I demanded before he had a chance to say hello, my voice watery with unshed tears of horror and fear. I was full-out panicking on how to survive this thing long enough to see to the safety of my child.
“A couple blocks, what’s wrong?” his voice full of worry and concern. I could hear
the traffic moving around them, the flow of shifting tires, honking horns. The sounds of the city, my city.
“It’s some kind of dog,” I told him, all but actually crying now.
The doorknob shifted restlessly before it finally gave up, as if it had hoped to somehow break the lock.
“That’s impossible,” my father informed me, scoffing. “It might sound big in the little space-”
“I’m not making this up!” I hollered, and the door shivered under another onslaught again.
“Holy hell,” he whispered in my phone as the noise carried. To my mother, “Get the shotgun from behind the seat and load it.” To me, “Get Callie and get out of the house, we’ll take care of it. We’re almost there. At a red light right now, but we’re almost there.”
I don’t know if he was comforting me or him at that point.
I watched in horror as the carpet beneath the door moved as if something was yanking heavily on it. As if they were taking big handfuls and pulling.
Not wasting anymore time with that, I flung open the door to the baby’s room, threw the phone to the floor, and slapped the wall switch until brilliant light flooded the room.
She was still resting on her back, one tiny little fist clutched to her pale cheek as her fluffy blonde tufts angled out in every direction.
I wrapped her delicately, calmly in the pink little blanket and draped myself over the crib so that I had enough leverage to pull her out. My abdomen screamed in protest as the bars of the crib pushed into my middle.
The entire time, the creature in the closet was digging, digging at the carpet under the door. It pulled the fabric back far enough, I could see the glue to the floor.
Holding her to my chest, and bouncing her ever so gently, comfortingly, as she nuzzled into me, moodily waking up, I stepped as softly as possible out of her room as to not wake her further.
As I neared the end of the hall it howled, and I was too afraid to look back, too scared to look over my shoulder and double check that the linen closet’s door was still holding.
Instead, I all but crashed into the front door and ran into the driveway in time to see the spill of headlights illuminate my street.
My dad pulled up in his red Ford F150, shotgun clamped tightly in his hand as I rushed to the flinging open door of the cab.
“Are you okay?” my mother was already demanding as she jumped out of her side of the truck to run to me.
Dad was pulling the shovel from the back of the truck and moving it to the front porch as he glanced inside the screen door.
I assumed he meant to kill and bury the thing with the tools, and never once questioned it.
“It’s in the linen closet,” I told him, tears of relief streaming down my face as I clutched to my mom all but sobbing.
“Oh, baby,” she said, and held me close as she shifted Callie from my shoulder to hers. “Go help your father, I’ve got her.”
I kissed both their cheeks, tucked Callie’s little pajama-covered foot back in the pink blanket, and got to the porch.
I took the shovel from its resting place against the brick and stood with Dad beside the door.
He cocked his head, ear pressed to the door and listened. After a moment, he asked, “Is that it?”
After a pause, I could hear it, too.
It was a guttural, low growl, almost too quiet to have heard.
I couldn’t manage an answer. My voice felt dried and hollow in my throat, unable to force its way through my cold lips. I managed a weak nod, eyes wide and scared.
Switching off the safety, he opened the screen door and stepped inside. I mustered courage and followed him, shovel in hand.
The house went quiet and still as we moved through the living room.
He peeked into the den and kitchen for a moment before asking me to move the chair in the hall.
I propped the shovel and managed to shove the recliner to the side, giving him enough room.
He flung open the utility closet first, and studied the little room in the hall lighting.
A muttered obscenity and I realized what he’s swearing at as I grappled the shovel with numb fingers.
Claw marks, deep and wide, riddled the thick, wooden door and the sheetrock lining the room.
There was at least hundreds of them, gashing wide into the wall, around the backing of the AC unit, and down the door.
Chills ran rampant up and down my arms and face as he slowly closed the door and turned to the linen closet.
The lock, that damned lock, was twisted and free.
Had it gotten out?
We agreed he’d aim the gun and I’d open the door in the end.
With me to his right, my breath came in labored puffs, my pulse raced through my veins and pounded into my ears until I thought I might faint.
I grasped the cold, gold doorknob and twisted, resisting the urge to squeeze my eyes shut against the nightmare.
Yanking the door with all my might sent me crashing into Callie’s bedroom door frame.
My dad was as still as a tomb as he stood there. His eyes shifted from all over the linen closet, to me, back to the closet.
I peeked around the edge of the door and stared at the chaos as the shovel dropped from my loose, cold fingers.
Towels, sheets, pillow covers were littering the floor, covered in thick tufts of loose carpet.
Claw marks, matching the utility closet, riddled the walls and doors. The doorknob appeared to display a set of teeth marks.
The ceiling, however, was perfectly intact.
We spent the better part of half an hour tearing through shredded towels, hefting shelves, throwing sheets, but could not find a single hole into the room.
We searched the whole house, gun and shovel in hand, prepared to mutilate any living thing we found, but came up empty.
My mother helped me pack Callie’s things, some clothes, necessities, and we took their truck back to their home, forgoing my little mini-van in the driveway, as my fingers were still too number to drive.
The next day, I packed up as fast as I’d settled in, and, with Callie on my hip, we shoved the For Sale sign home into the dirt of the front yard.
I never spent another night in the home of my childhood.
CREDIT: Ilothopskaty
Copyright Statement: Unless explicitly stated, all stories published on Creepypasta.com are the property of (and under copyright to) their respective authors, and may not be narrated or performed under any circumstance.


Have you asked the previous tenants? Didn’t you mention about a dog of the previous? Could it be it? And what about the ventilation? Could it be where the creature get out? I’m curious because recently I had scratching sounds from the ceiling then one day BOOM two cats fell down while fighting each other, they also leave deep claw marks. But they don’t sound like dogs at all even in the ceiling
I was confused cause at first it seemed like the father was irritated… “I think it was when he couldn’t squeeze through the gap” or whatever and then he was like ok basically you need to get out… then the character was saying she just needed to be on her own… idk if you say that first it most definitely seems like the dad’s irritated and wants her out. I probably wouldn’t have put that in… The story was really good. I just don’t know how you can even sorta push that to the back of your mind… lol. There were a lot of unnecessary parts and things that had been repeated multiple times… the thing with her daughter being autistic… I thought she was 9 months? I have three autistic cousins and we didn’t really know until they were each like three and on top of that… girls are rarly autistic. it’s super rare. I also wish which such a great story that there was more to find the monster. I did however give it a ten outta ten.
your daughter sounds so cute omg. the combination of a good horror story and the sweet descriptions of your baby really made it nice for me. i’m autistic too, so i really liked how you used identity-first language and seemed to mention it offhandedly rather than making some big show about it in the story. also, fucking scary.
The way you wrote this story made it believable for me. I find all the little details important. I was deeply immersed in the story and genuinely scared to read on. Some phrases really gave me chills. The style is good too – effortless and casual with some background and emotional insight. As for the length – it was long enough to build the tension and short enough to relieve it at the best moment. Good job, seriously.
Way too descriptive.. at so many points reading this I felt like the story was dragging on for no reason whatsoever without offering any build up of suspense or the characters.
You can blame it on me having a short attention span, I’d blame it on your story failing to keep me invested in it.. still has it’s moments though, not a bad pasta by any means. I just feel like this could’ve been a micropasta and it would’ve been way better. 6/10 from me
You can’t know if your kid’s autistic at 9 months. The signs don’t even start showing until between 12-18 months, and even then it’s hard to diagnose reliably before 2 years.
I really liked the concept of the story! I have two suggestions though: edit the paragraph markings. Having every new sentence or thought start as a new paragraph makes the reading a lot slower and makes the story seem a lot longer. My other suggestions would be to edit for the content. There are so many details in this story, and I found myself getting lost in them. Look at omitting certain details that don’t really add to the plot of the story to make it more straightforward. I’m not saying deleting the details because the details are what makes the story so great, just editing details that don’t add as much to the story.
No offense, it was a good story but I feel like there was too many useless details. Like the part about the towel and drying your daughter off, it could’ve done wothout that whole paragraph. I just feel like you tried too hard to make it a creative writing rather than a creepy pasta. Other than that it was good
The idea was pretty cool but there was a lot of unneeded information. I just recommend that you filter your story a lot. I ended up skipping some of the paragraphs because they didn’t move the plot along. Also, talk more about you couldn’t find any evidence from the closet entry.
A very scary true tale. Actually, I think you could write professionally, if you were interested in doing so. Your structure and setup are great. I notice this was some time back. Did you ever hear anything more?
The fact that this appears to be a totally true story is what makes it great! The idea is interesting, though it could have been written much better. You seemed to go on into too long of narrations, full to the brim and spilling over with details. I also personally had a hard time getting past the passive voice you took: “we had,” “have,” etc. That was very tiring to read over and over again, because it did feel more like a campfire story telling that could put a few kids to sleep in the beginning. Because this is a short story and not a novel, there’s no luxury to spend a lot of words on introductory and explanatory details. Action, action, action!–which requires an active tone. Those passive verbs just irritate me.
But, I commend you on writing a very filling and pretty tasty pasta! And living through such horrors… >_<
It was boring as hell. It wasn’t even creepy just annoying.
Omg that was amazing! Im glad you are and your baby are ok :)
Thank you!
Why lock the door if it can get out anyway…
Because I’m a blonde and we generally do the opposite of what we’re supposed to do in horror scenes, I guess. Honestly, I was scared, and I didn’t know what else to do. It delayed the inevitable, and I was able to get my kid out so I’d like to think it worked.
*checking all the closets in the house* uhhhhhh……..
very good … makes me glad my house in england doesn’t have a crawl space … but one thing i would ask wouldn’t they have had complaints from the previous tenants of what had been going on? especially if they had enough for thought to put an outside lock on the door??
The previous tenants split while owing my dad a serious amount of money. Still no idea what the lock was about, why they changed it in the first place, or anything. The new owners have no complaints, however, so hopefully this was a one-time deal.
Hellhounds are considered in mythology to be a sign of eminent death and guardians of graveyards. Could be linked to your husband and the fact that the house is close to a graveyard, as you stated in your reply to xlratr101. I don’t believe in that kind of mythology but it fits.
That actually gives me chills. I’ll have to look that up some more, thank you! I don’t think I’ve ever honestly thought of that.
This was a great pasta. I like how you told it from your view and included your emotions, but tried to place as much as possible. Some awkward phrasing aside, a wonderful story! Hope you and your baby are now safe!
Thank you so very much! I’d like to think we’re safe, but I still get pretty jumpy at night some times.
I couldn’t get very far into this story before I gave up. like, the whole thing about the linen closet having a lock on the outside…LOTS of rooms have locks on the outside as well as inside. they mention it like its some big revelation and its just not. and the details I felt were very disjointed at times or their importance was negated by how casually they were mentioned. If Callie was autistic and it had significance, I would have mentioned that from the onset of the story. the fact that the author mentioned it just out of the blue when voicing concerns over the linen closet, it just didn’t sit well with me.
I’m sorry, but it was really weird to me. It’s this big, linen closet at the end of a hall with a lock on the outside of it. When we’d rented the house out, it had been a normal, golden door knob. None of the tenants ever mentioned changing the locks. As I said, I wrote it as I remembered it. It’s a personal experience. IF Callie is autistic? I can assure you, aa3684, my daughter is nonverbal lowfuctioning autistic with food aphasia. If I was going to make something up, it wouldn’t have been that!
Well, I wasn’t planning on sleeping tonight anyways… Loved this story! Sent chills down my spine! Great job!
Thank you! ^_^
Right so, first off, nice pasta, nice description, I liked the fear build up although the ending was a little disappointing. I kept expecting a twist such as your baby wasn’t actually the baby, as you’d put in little details like what she was wearing. I honestly thought it was going to be a switcheroo in that you’d gotten the changeling baby out of the crib and your baby is gone forever.
It was a nice pasta but some things really jarred with me. Two major things were this: I felt it was irrelevant to the story how often you mentioned your autistic child. Once yes for information, but any more than that and I feel as if you’re trying to garner extra sympathy for this child, or you’re using it to explain her actions. This is the thing, we understand she is autistic, so any actions or reactions she gives may be as such and are perfectly normal. We don’t need to be repeatedly told that she is autistic.
However that being said (and I am not a mother) you would NEVER leave a baby or even a toddler alone in the bath. Not even to go down the hall to get towels. A mother would have the towels prepared, or would have to face wet slimy baby in their arms while they went to get towels. It’s just not done, there are so many warnings given about leaving children alone in the bath, so it was hard for me to be curious about the strange linen closet when I’m too busy yelling at the protagonist about leaving her baby.
These points in mind, it was nicely descriptive and I actually really like the fact that your parents came over ASAP, though the ending was a little stale. I’d give this pasta a 6/10.
HI! There was less than an inch of water in the tub and draining. The way the bathroom is located, you could actually see in from the hall, but I understand your anger at my slack parenting. I apologize for the ending, but, like I said, true story, and well, it’s not always lively. We did call animal control at my mother’s insistence, if that makes you feel better. The beams in the attic were clawed up, but other than that, we found nothing =
Ugh in some ways thats creepier than discovering what it was that made the marks. *shudders*
Too long for the “and we never know what happens next” ending.
It was actually not as long as it appeared. The author used way too many paragraph marks.
I apologize for writing so much, but I was going off memory and have a hard time not meandering about.
What happened next? We left. Told the new buyers the house had some strange creepy crap, but they were set on buying it anyway. They still live there, and they’ve never mentioned anything happening, so I’m hoping they’re happy and the thing’s long gone, whatever it was.
Perfect
The concept was interesting, and your characters were both likable and believable. I enjoyed your protagonist’s motherly instincts and loved the parent’s eagerness to help her. The ending was creepy, but I wish you had added more. And while it was a bit predicable, it was still very satisfying.
That being said, your pasta definitely had some issues. Bad phraseology, awkward word choice, grammatical errors, incorrect usage of words, and word repetition were all common and annoying. If you read the pasta out loud, you will probably find many sections which need to be revised.
Overall great story with strong characters and a cool concept. Less than impressive execution really hurt you. Please keep writing.
7/10
P.S. Use less paragraphs. Sometimes a one sentence paragraph is appropriate, but in most cases, you can combine it with another section.
Thank you so much, I will definitely keep that in mind and continue writing. I didn’t mean to make it as awkward, but I was genuinely writing as I remembered it. I have a very bad habit of writing the way I speak, and I will do my best to fix it in the future ^_^
Hellhounds?
I would love to know what was the animal thing
Honestly, no clue.
This was actually a wonderful pasta, but I had to force myself to finish it. The grammar gave me a headache. I haven’t been in school for a long time, so I can’t give you specific terminology for what is wrong here, but I will give an example:
“A little backstory here; when I’d been eleven, we’d moved shortly after my grandfather had passed, and into my grandmother’s house two cities over. My father had felt she needed someone to look after her in her age, and we hadn’t bothered to sell the other house.”
Would read better as such:
When I was eleven, we moved in with my grandmother shortly after my grandfather passed. My father felt she needed someone to look after her in her old age. We didn’t bother selling the old house.
The same information is there, it’s just cleaned up a little and flows better. The same problem is repeated throughout. Another note: at the beginning of the story, it sounds like mom and dad make her leave, but after the “backstory” on the houses, the main character makes it seem as though she wanted her independence at the expense of her parents’ worry.
i completely agree!!!!!!!
I can’t agree more. I really loved the story, but the writing was awkward and difficult to read.
you are spot on!
Thank you so much, I will definitely keep that in mind. I didn’t actually want my independence at the expense of their worry. The town was less than 15 minutes away, and I needed space to breathe. My family actually insisted on the idea after Dad decided it, and I was excited to have my own space again. I tried to write it as best as I remembered, which is probably why it is so choppy.
I like your style. I want to know more about your creature.
In case you’re wondering, this is the section that made me think that your parents wanted you out of the house:
~”Her high chair was wedged between the table and the wall as best I could manage while still allowing room for movement in the little dining area.
My father hadn’t been able to squeeze through the gap and, I guess, that had been the snapping point.
“Lori,” he sighed, setting his coffee mug on the table heavily. Coffee sloshed over the rim and stained the table’s scratched and marred surface. “Katherine,” my mom,” and I have been talking for a while now, and we’d like to give you the other house.”~
(there are also many issues in the preceding excerpt that are seriously making me want to scream, but we covered that part already, didn’t we? yes) I didn’t mean to sound accusatory when I said you wanted your freedom at the expense of your parents’ worry–it was only phrased that way to express to you the contradiction I picked up later in the story.
For the love of all that is good– KEEP WRITING. Use the awkward way you write as you speak and create a character out of that. You know, someone who is constantly speaking in “past perfect tense” (THANK YOU BLOOD EMPRESS). I have known these people… they generally give me a headache, but make for believable and relatable characters.
I believe it’s called past perfect tense and my god, writers today are abusing it like crazy.
Thank you so much for giving me the words I just couldn’t find in the cobwebs of my brain!!!
This was okay, and the writing was great but I dunno.. Previous tenants didn’t mention it, and now she’s just going to sell it to someone else? Makes me kind of hate the protagonist, knowing She would put someone else through the fear she went through. And too many unanswered questions. Was it there even when she was a child? How? What was it?
Previous tenant was actually my dad’s co-worker’s kids, recently married, and owed my dad about $1400, bailing on rent, and split town. No, they never mentioned it =
This one scared the crap out of me but not as much as Jeff the killer and the rake and the more popular ones
It feels like reading a mommyblog…I don’t know. At least this one doesn’t end in horrible deaths or so.
Well, the fact is, I am a mommy, and considering I’d just lost my husband, yeah, I clung to my daughter pretty hard at the time, especially considering I was pretty damn sure I might lose her, too.
Very, very well written, however I would have loved to have heard more about how you couldn’t find an entrance to the closet, I felt that was such an important point but it was neglected to some extent. Thanks for sharing.
Agreed. You focused more on the autistic child in hello kitty pajamas then the mystery of the monster.
I wrote it as I remembered it at the time, I’m sorry if that’s not to your liking, but, hey, it’s what happened.
Great story! I also live a few towns over :P I was hoping you’d maybe include the accounts of previous tenants, like who installed the doorknob with a lock on the outside.
The previous tenants were actually my dad’s co-workers kids. They split town, owing my dad money, so I never actually got to ask them. If I ever see them again, you can bet I’ll be asking about it.
Too long.
I’m terribly sorry I couldn’t keep your short attention span occupied.
Maybe you could jangle your keys in front of them?
this story was excellent! and, to make it even creepier for me, I live a few towns over from Mary Esther. I live on an old farm, and constantly hear something up in our crawl space. my husband tells me not to worry, that it’s probably just squirrels. after reading this story, now I don’t believe him. well done. I’ll be lying in bed awake tonight thanks to you!
I was born there, and absolutely love the area, but it’s got some creepy points, that’s for sure! To make matters worse, we weren’t actually all that far from the graveyard on Highway 98. Still gives me chills…