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The Splendor Man



Estimated reading time — 9 minutes

If there is one day in my life that has defined me it has to be back when I was a younger lad. I must give a bit of background though. I started seeing things moving out of the corner of my eye. Now seeing something slightly move out of my line of sight didn’t really bother me that much. Even the noises while I was trying to sleep didn’t throw me off that much. My upstairs neighbors are some of the weirdest people I have ever meet. One edited his apartment to be able to practice Javelin and another one was a Peruvian flute player. I’m getting a bit off track now.

So after three days of these things, moving out of the corner of my eye. I start seeing things completely move out of my vision of sight. One time during work I was standing in my cubicle talking to Fred in the next cubicle over. I looked up over at the hallway that lead from the office to the stairs. The wall blocked view of the stairs. As I looked over I saw a purple blur, move from the side of the hall down the hallway out of view.

My heart nearly stopped. I saw this a few more times coming to the conclusion a weird guy in purple was stalking me. The noises at night got louder and more terrifying. After a week or so of that, I started hearing a voice at night it was quiet and heavily mumbled. Using what left of my sanity I came to the conclusion that it was just my weird neighbors being weird. Until the second night of whispering. It said my name!

In a deep voice that location could not be found said “Paul.”
It was faint the first night but, after that it got louder and louder. After the fifth night of whispering I went to my friend’s house where some of my friends were going for a small party. My five nights of no sleep was obvious to my friends. They were worried about me. I assured them that it was just some stress. I was trying to make myself not look as crazy as mine friends already knew I was.

After a bit of drinking and our extreme D&D match(I kicked ass that night) with them. I looked out the window. There standing was this purple fuck who kept fucking with me. It wore a dark purple suit with tons of dots on the suit. Though their colors I couldn’t figure out, but it wasn’t his suit that caught my eye it was his face. Or lack of it. As I blinked he was gone. I jumped off the couch. My friends were able to calm me down after a bit. I was able to fall asleep that night there was no noise. Not a creak, scratch or whisper.

After waking up on my day off I realized I needed some groceries. I walked down to the Wal-mart. As soon as I got there I was surprised to see that there weren’t any people there. The parking lot was full as usual, but inside no one was there. Though this should of sent off red flags for some reason my brain came up with the conclusion.

“Yeah, no stupid people to deal with.”

As I went about my myself; grabbing everything on the list as my usually day of shopping goes. It wasn’t till my last item my body started realizing something was off. I started sweating and my heart was pumping really fast. In my haze of stupidity I just passed it off as being hot. It wasn’t until I was one isle away from my last item, that my brain started working.
“Wait it’s a Saturday! This place should be packed! And it’s the second day of the month!”

I grabbed my last item(Sauerkraut) as adrenaline started kicking in. I ran as fast as I could down the rows of food until I ran into something. Hit it like a brick wall. I went flying back into a nearby rack of toys. As I waved about trying to defend myself I grabbed a handle and started swinging the item that had fallen on me as a weapon. As I started knocking things away. I thought I had defeated the monster. But, when I opened my eyes there was nothing there. And I was holding a wiffle ball bat and the monster I thought was attacking me was some toys that I knocked out of the way in the confusion. I stood up and looked at the exit. There was the doors that led outside as normal, but I couldn’t see anything outside. It was pitch black.

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My brain came to the quick conclusion that probably meant death. My feet figured out the same thing as I was running down the rows as fast as I could to the tools in hope to find some sort of weapon. I heard the same voice as I had heard during my sleep. Deep, low, terrifying and this time echoing loud. It boomed across the whole store.

“Run as fast as you want Paul, but you’ll never escape!”

I started to hear footsteps from behind me and I started feeling breath against my neck. I was only one or two rows away from the tool section. When I finally reached the row I slid down to the middle of the row and grabbed the first thing that survival horror games had taught me was a weapon. A crowbar! I turned around and swung the crowbar as hard as I could. Hitting my target hard.The hit made hands sting in pain I dropped my weapon.

I feel back to the ground as I looked up upon my nightmare fuel. It stood at around eight feet tall, in a purple suit. The purple suit was covered in different colored polka dots on his suit. His face being completely white from what I could see with his hat covering his face. His hand with it’s purple glove slowly moved up to his hat. As his hand hit the back of his purple hat with a band with the colors of the rainbow that held a single cartoonish red flower in the band. His hat tilted from being down so I could see his face.

His face was completely white with no facial features. Except on his face was drawn rather large black eyes and a drawn on mouth that showed no emotion. His long and slender body started to slightly move. His drawn on mouth and eyes started moving. He had pupils in his large black eyes. His mouth turned into a huge smile.

He looked down at me; frozen in fear from the thing that was well splendor. He then said in a rather high pitched voice.

“Oh, yeah.”

He then cleared his voice while holding up one of his long slender finger. After he finished he said in a louder voice.

“HELLO!!! I”M THE SPLENDORMAN!!!!

His voiced echoed about the store. Then the candyman song started playing. Except candyman was changed from candyman to Splendorman.

“The Splendorman can!”

It went on for about 3 minutes until it finally stopped. He kept the same happy stare at me the whole time. After the song finished I was trembling covered in sweat and fear. I finally after a minute said.

“W-what i-is a Splendorman?”

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He chuckled, grabbed me by the hand, and pulled me up to my feet. Looking at me with the same happy expression. Blackness slowly surrounded us. All I could see was his face. His voice dropped low. He said in an almost whisper.

“I’m your fears, your nightmares, and the darkest corners of the world!”

He then looked down at his hand. In his hand he was holding a 4×4 card. He then muttered to himself.

“Pause for dramatic effect.”

Swinging his arms up knocking me to the floor, yelled in his high pitched voice.

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“I’M THE SPLENDOR MAN!!!”

His voice echoed about the store…again. The Splendorman song started playing again. Suddenly I got rush of courage, stood up and yelled.

“Stop!”
“What? The music?”
“Yes ‘Splendorman’ the music!”
“Are you not finding this funny?”
“Not really.”

He suddenly had a sad face. He then threw a taco at my face and hit me. I stumbled back and said.

“W-what the fuck!”
Splendor man was laughing his ass off. He then put his ass back on. I whipped away the taco and said.

“Why the hell did you do that?”
“Because it was random! And as any 7th grade girl will tell you that is the height of comedy!XD”(He literally made this face, not kidding.)

He finished his sentence with a twirl then started eating a flying pancake cat.

“Just because some teenage girls find it funny, doesn’t actually make it funny!”

He dropped his flying pancake cat thing out of his hands and mouth. Then his face turned into one of these fucking things.

“D:”

He then slapped me. My weak and fragile body fell to the floor. He burst out laughing. I got up and brushed myself off. After a minute or so he stopped laughing, looked down at me, and made a look of disapproval.

“You don’t like slapstick either! What is wrong with you!?!”
“Nothing, but that’s beside the point. Where am I? What’s a Splendorman?”
“Well, I am the Splendorman a sort of demon thing that does the bidding of the devil. Maybe you have heard about my more popular brother Slenderman?
“Oh, yeah that shitty game nobody would stop talking about for a month then everybody forgot about.”
“Finally someone who agrees that Slender was a poo-poo game.”
“Why did you say poo, you know I don’t care. But where am I?”
“Purgatory!”
In confusion I said
“What Wal-mart is Purgatory? That doesn’t make much sense.”
“Oh, but, Paulie it quit does.”
“How?”
“Well it’s, ah? Well? It’s evil. Yeah lets go with that.”
“What so evil about it?”
“Gosh-dern-it Paulie, can’t you just enjoy the randomness!? Wal-mart is Purgatory that’s comedy gold!”
“Well I could see some good witty humor in that but, there’s no good writer who could exploit that.”
“Oh, Paulie you must like breaking the fourth wall!”
“Oh, no it was just an observation.”

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Then a loud booming voice echoed.

“Did some mention breaking the fourth wall!?!?!”
I fell back to the ground starting to find it quite comfortable and easier to cower on. I then yelled in fear.
“W-who is that?”
“You dummb that’s the writer of this fair story. You ask too many question and stutter too much.”
The writer followed up with
“Yes I wrote him after all my fears of a gay Slenderman and my social anxieties!”
Splendor man replied. “I am ‘NOT’ gay. You donkey turd!”

As the Splendorman fought with the author I spaced out in his own little world. I thought about the situation. Why? Why was I here? Did I do something to upset god? Maybe not believing in him, but that wouldn’t upset him enough to stick me with an annoying gay slenderman. Would he?

I was awoken from my mind nap when Splendorman picked me up by my throat. He mumbled
“Lets get it over with.”
I chocked out “What?”
“Like I said Paulie you ask too many questions.” Now in a sadder voice.
Splendorman carried me all the way to the exit and then dropped me onto the comfortable floor.
“Paulie you are deader than a metaphor that the author is to lazy to make.”
Completely shocked I stuttered.
“No,no,no,no!”
“Sorry, Paul but, you got hit by a bus on your way to the Wal-mart. Ha, you have became a statistic.”
“But, I can’t be dead.”
“Yes, you can you idiot! Apparently you were so low on the totem pole that I had to do the ‘job’ instead of either of my brothers.”
He then motioned for me to have some flying pancake cat.
“But-”
“I can’t do a thing Paulie.”
“You-”
Splendorman then slapped me.
“I can’t Paul.”
The booming voice returned.
“Ugh, I just realized we can’t kill him off.”
“What!”
“Well he is telling the story. It wouldn’t make any sense.”
“But, this barely resolves it either!”
“Yeah I don’t know what to do with the plot so you guys wing it for a bit while I think this through.”

I was very happy at this. The fact I was going to live. I was smiling ear to ear. Splendor man then exploded.
“Fu- Must not swear must be kind and lovable! I just want to be random and be loved, but no my story get hijacked by some donkey-turd of an author!”
The author returned.

“Okay I figured it out.”
“What!?”
“Paul will be your proxy!”
Splendor man stood there mouth opened and shocked. The author then started again.
“Well, it makes sense. Since this is pretty much a self insert fan fic. It just makes sense.”
“But!” Splendor man replied angrily.
“Do you want to be loved my random 7th grade girls?”
“Fine!” Splendor man said in a sad voice.
I cut in “I get to live!?”
“Yeah. You get to live Paul.”
I was pretty damn happy.Splendor man gave me a face like this

“:/”(Once again it was like this. Not being lazy.)
Splendor man then snapped his fingers and we were on a rooftop overlooking the city.

“Will I get to learn how to that?”
“What? No! That is only for people who like random.”
“Oh, so that’s, how the British won World War II.”
“What!?!?!??!”
“Never mind, so what is are first job.”

Splendor man pulled out a laptop out of his pocket. He opened it to a website called “Crappypasta”. He then said.

“We have to protect this amazingly, funny, and smart pasta called ‘Bloody Fruit Loops of Death’ from all these haters. Especially this dirty-birdie tytiger10.”
“Wait did you just make an obscure reference?”
“Yeah of course. Obscure references are hilarious. Not as much as slapstick or random, but you know still pretty good.”
I was about to disagree when he slapped me then burst into a long laugh. I got back up and he laughed for a good twenty minutes. When he stopped I said to him.

“Obscure references aren’t that funny because if people don’t get them they feel left out…”
“YOU NEED TO SHUT UP!!! YOU-YOU DONKEY POO!! Random and Slapstick and Obscure References are the height of humor!! You are just being a loser hipster hater who has no life!!”
“This is going to be a long eternity.”
“Same here Paulie, Same here.”

*This story was successfully rewritten after receiving feedback on Crappypasta – click here to read the original version.

Credit To – tytiger10 (Thanks go to YOU CAN”T HANDLE THE USERNAME and the crappypasta community)

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80 thoughts on “The Splendor Man”

  1. steamy_the_fangirl

    I personally liked this story. It was funny and the grammar and spelling isn’t that bad, so for the people who said otherwise, deal with it.

  2. LOL XDDD this story is hilarious. At first, I was creeped out. And it started out creepy because Paul (you made his name Paul LOL) was being stalked by SPLENDORMAN. But then when he went to Wal Mart, Splendorman stalked him there as well. And then the rest became hilarious XD like when he threw a freaking taco at Paul’s face. Lmao

    You did a great job!! :’D

  3. I did get what you were doing there, and I do find it quite clever, but I did find a few grammatical errors, spelling errors, and so on, and no matter how many proof reads you did, it doesn’t change these errors. Luckily there wasn’t enough being I could still read it pretty well, so I am going to give this a 7/10.

  4. Okay I understand that this is a parody but at least proofread your work. There are many errors. I personally don’t think it’s ready to be on this website yet.

  5. ‘I came to the conclusion that a weird purple guy was stalking me’ trust me, 3 very special video games have taught us, that is basically the WORST POSSIBLE CONCLUSION.

  6. Some people are just mean… I’d love to see them write a pasta. Anyway, though it was a tad difficult to follow, I enjoyed the humor. Kudos to you.

  7. I laughed so hard at this! “he threw a taco at my face ” “He laughed his ass off then put his ass back on.” Ahahaha

  8. Candlejack's Wife

    “Oh, Paulie you must like breaking the fourth wall!”

    Can’t breathe- I laughed so hard it hurt! 10/10
    Although I think it’s actually “LEANING on the fourth wall”…well, up until the author started talking to the characters >_> That kinda destroyed the fourth wall…

    I really like how it started out like a usual creepypasta and then Splendy’s all “HOW THE FUCK ARE YA?! :D”

  9. It’s actually really good and popular all over the internet :3. I personally loved it just because of my own personality yet at the same time it bored me to death…. but what can I say? I’m a very confusing person.

  10. To-kill-or-not-to-kill

    I hope the grammar/spelling errors were intentional, to add to the overall randomness of the story. I thought it was funny because I smiled a few times, but it could have been better executed.

    That said, I’m surprised this managed to get a 6.9 I expected a 4-5 judging from the comments. Well, in my opinion I thought this was one of the semi-best crappypasta.

  11. Seriously
    I stopped reading when the stupid “writer” thing popped up
    It’s so random
    And stupid
    How come he didn’t just suck his soul out or do whatever slenderman does to kill his victims instead of carrying on with the stupid story
    And you kept repeating things 3 or 4 times and it’s a waste of time to read the same thing over and over

  12. LOL this was so funny!Wow I would rather meet splendor man than slenderman,a good slap to the face is better than a dieing.This is so funny,and by the way,im 11.

  13. Why do they run?

    Yeah I didn’t like this one at all. It seems as if it were written by a 7th grade girl. If it was trying to be funny it failed. Sorry but 4/10.

    1. This made my day. Thank you so much for defending my story and all the kind words. Especially, from someone who is such a great writer. Thanks. And keep up the good work.

  14. Tall_Jake:
    This pasta… I’m sorry but what exactly were you thinking when you wrote this? I assume you were high or drunk out of your mind. Upon reading some of the comments though, this would mean you were drunk/high for two months. I’m sorry but it just doesn’t make sense. Let me first name some of the errors. First, you’re in a food aisle…and fall in to a pile of toys. Not sure how that works but no big deal, right? Well then you manage to pass the brick wall (was that a metaphor? I honestly couldn’t tell) and you ran to the tool section and found a crowbar…Now I haven’t been to Wal-mart in quite awhile but I’m pretty sure they don’t sell crowbars, and if they did they’d be in some sort of packaging.
    Well those are typical Crappypasta mistakes. On to the more annoying ones. First the lack of commas. These things ,,,, They divide a sentence, seperate ideas. Use them. Next there is of course the spelling mistakes. Now don’t get me wrong everyone makes spelling mistakes. There’s probably a few in this comment, but if you’re writing a story, you have to try a bit harder. Then of course there’s the entrance of “the author” which makes so little sense I won’t even try to explain it. There’s also the cliché at the beginning. The “I’ve been seeing things, but I don’t tell people because they’d thing I’m crazy.” This might sound weird, but there’s to much talking. If you need to add that much dialogue, at least add a couple sentences between each conversation.
    Please, just please if you write another story let someone who’s honest see it first. So they can tell you that it’s ridiculous. Even if it’s a parody pasta that doesn’t give it the excuse to not be written well!
    And to finish off you are probably wondering “Why the $&@% did they bother to write this comment? It’s because I’m tired and I pity you. And I write long rants when I’m tired apparently.

    TL;DR

    >Taking a parody pasta that was originally on crappypasta seriously.

  15. This pasta… I’m sorry but what exactly were you thinking when you wrote this? I assume you were high or drunk out of your mind. Upon reading some of the comments though, this would mean you were drunk/high for two months. I’m sorry but it just doesn’t make sense. Let me first name some of the errors. First, you’re in a food aisle…and fall in to a pile of toys. Not sure how that works but no big deal, right? Well then you manage to pass the brick wall (was that a metaphor? I honestly couldn’t tell) and you ran to the tool section and found a crowbar…Now I haven’t been to Wal-mart in quite awhile but I’m pretty sure they don’t sell crowbars, and if they did they’d be in some sort of packaging.
    Well those are typical Crappypasta mistakes. On to the more annoying ones. First the lack of commas. These things ,,,, They divide a sentence, seperate ideas. Use them. Next there is of course the spelling mistakes. Now don’t get me wrong everyone makes spelling mistakes. There’s probably a few in this comment, but if you’re writing a story, you have to try a bit harder. Then of course there’s the entrance of “the author” which makes so little sense I won’t even try to explain it. There’s also the cliché at the beginning. The “I’ve been seeing things, but I don’t tell people because they’d thing I’m crazy.” This might sound weird, but there’s to much talking. If you need to add that much dialogue, at least add a couple sentences between each conversation.
    Please, just please if you write another story let someone who’s honest see it first. So they can tell you that it’s ridiculous. Even if it’s a parody pasta that doesn’t give it the excuse to not be written well!
    And to finish off you are probably wondering “Why the $&@% did they bother to write this comment? It’s because I’m tired and I pity you. And I write long rants when I’m tired apparently.

  16. I enjoyed it, it was good and I enjoyed the D&D reference and I’m surprised Deadpool didn’t show up to blow the 4th wall up. When the submissions open up I plan to submit my Eyeless Jack vs. Jeff the Killer fight. Reasons behind said story: 1. They kill/eat at night. 2. They would have the same target. 3. Jeff would recognize Jack. Tell me what you think people

      1. No it won’t. I mean, you don’t know that. They had a Freddy vs Jason movie and it’s not really crappy. (I know it’s not related to Creepypasta and crappypasta)

  17. I read this a while back in crappypasta and laughed at the jokes and I respect that you made it here good job

  18. There is no way someone actually submitted this with a clear intention of actually being “creepy”. Hell, this is bad for parody pasta standards

  19. ForeverMyMaster

    After seeing the title Splendorman, I’ll admit I had my reservations about the pasta, but after reading, it, I have to say I’m loving it lol. The slapstick humor, the clearly defined plot line, the fact that Splendorman was hilarious, and the fact that they indeed broke the fourth wall, made this pasta incredible to me. Lol

  20. I read the original on Crappypasta, and I have to admit I still don’t understand it. But congratulations on getting it upvoted to the main site!

  21. I really respect tytiger because despite all the hatred and meanness in these comments he still didn’t get angry and still helped and/or made this story that at least made since and also was humorous so good job tytiger

  22. I liked the story :)
    And i believe i know the reason why so many children joined the site. It’s this famous YouTuber known as SkyDoesMinecraft who posted a video about creepypasta. He… Is subscribed by lots of immature kids.

  23. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE USERNAME!

    The blatant rudeness of some creepypasta users astonishes me sometimes. There seems to be alot more immature children coming to this site, if you look at older Eyeless Jack and Jeff the Killer comments they criticise it as the flawed pasta it is. But recent comments are just odd and fanboy/girl-ish. Ugh, creepypastas gone too popular.
    (Hipster glasses: I liked it BEFORE it was cool)

    1. Alfred Frederick Dinglebottom

      I can’t quite say I liked it before it was cool but I like to think that I’m better than the fangirls/boys.

      Some of the people on here have been rather harsh. In doing so they’ve highlighted the fact that they don’t have a sense of humour and cannot seem to comprehend what a parody is supposed to consist of.

  24. random person.

    This is my type of stuff…! XD Love Tue randomness and the references! All hail the Splendor Man! XD And his 2 bros
    And the current fangirls.

    1. Jesus, do not invite them here! They are bad enough on Crappypasta. Our Lord and Savior, Derpbutt, may not survive a tidal way of Splendorman Fan girls…The internet is not ready for that travesty!

  25. Who the hell wrote this crap? A 10 year old girl? It sucks! When I was in kindergarten I wrote better stuff than this and I’m seriously not kidding.

    1. I wrote it. Not a girl. Not 10 either. Most kindergartens couldn’t write a cohesive sentence, let alone a story. It would help if you could give more criticism than “This sucks!”. So, you know I could improve it.

    2. Well anyone who has written better than a kindergarden student should know that the use of contractions is only appropriate when using slang. It sucks, Is a terrible reasoning for saying that you are a better writer.

      As well when you use the sentance ” When I was in kindergarden I wrote better stuff than this and I’m seriously not kidding.” you would be taken more seriously if you chose to write it as follows:

      “In all seriousness, I wrote better stuff than this when I was in kindergarden.”

      Your comment can not be taken seriously until you can prove that in point of fact, you do write better.

      P.S. This is a parody-pasta, and as such is not supposed to be taken with the ammount of seriousness that you insist upon imposing.

    3. God Jenna do you have to be so mean? Have you done this? Do you know how hard it is to write a story especially a good one like this?

  26. It’s funny how people don’t get it’s not supposed to be a good creepypasta, it’s part of the April Fools Day contest thing. It’s supposed to be bad.

  27. This confuses me slightly, I both hate it and love it. I usually hate parodypastas, but this seems like a parody of the parody 8/10

  28. To be honest, I agree with Mrs.Moore. The entire story was filled with grammatical errors that even I noticed :( plus the story jumped around a lot, completely abandoning one thing, and coming back to it 2 paragraphs later. Some sentences just sounded. . . awkward. Like the author couldn’t quite figure out what to write, and just threw something together to fill the gap.
    And although it was hard to follow at times, like Mrs.Moore said, it didn’t bother me too much, as it adds to the clearly intentional randomness of the story.
    Overall, I think this story needs to take a trip to crappypasta. it’s a good concept, just needs a little work.

  29. This post was made on April first. The first day of April is also known as April fools day. If you read any of the other stories posted on this day you will see a pattern and you will see why it is here and not on crappypasta.

    Mrs.Moore:
    Ok this made no sense! I stopped reading 1/2 of the way into it because it’s too hard to follow. There are sooo many grammatical errors, missed words, and misspelled words. Proof reading is a must with any story!! It jumps around and there are so many unnecessary added details, as if you or someone else made side notes and you kinda squeezed them into your story. This needs ALOT of work if anyone will be able to follow it. :-( Sorry but in my opinion it belongs in crappypasta. This reads as if it were just thrown together or written off the top of your head and quickly submitted just to make the dead line for submitting stories.

  30. TheIntimateAvenger

    Ugh. Reading the whole thing is physically painful. You do realize that all document programs have both spell and grammar check, right? Use them!

  31. So u said that splenderman had TWO brothers, the first being slenderman, but who is the other, or did i miss something?

  32. I personaly love this Parody, I read it on the sister site, and I was glad to see that it made it up for the Parody Extravaganza thinga-ma-jigger.

    Love the story Ty!

  33. Ok this made no sense! I stopped reading 1/2 of the way into it because it’s too hard to follow. There are sooo many grammatical errors, missed words, and misspelled words. Proof reading is a must with any story!! It jumps around and there are so many unnecessary added details, as if you or someone else made side notes and you kinda squeezed them into your story. This needs ALOT of work if anyone will be able to follow it. :-( Sorry but in my opinion it belongs in crappypasta. This reads as if it were just thrown together or written off the top of your head and quickly submitted just to make the dead line for submitting stories.

    1. How did it not make sense? While I wrote more loose and immature than usually, it’s still coherent. And why give up 1/2? Where is half way in this story because if you stopped reading before Splendorman showed that may be the issue. That your not getting the joke. And I have proof read this story so many times. I didn’t write off the top of my head I wrote in a period over two months. Before casting judgement finish it.

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