Pastel Graze

She had scolded me once again, told me that we had gone on this trip as an escape from the monotony of life in the city and bond as a couple, as if I already hadn’t known that. Expressing her feelings about how I’d become more “Distant” and “A husk of how I used to be”. Camping had always been a thing I’ve done alone but her idea of a couple’s retreat intrigued me, and my knowledge of her concerns about a disconnect between us didn’t allow me to deny her offer.

Now knowing that, the trip itself had felt artificial, like a temporary fix to a perpetual problem and one that wasn’t worth making. Despite that, the genuinely concerned and passionate look that she gave had struck me with a sense of guilt. “Am I being pessimistic? Maybe it is worth trying… Am I the problem?” Those were all thoughts that ran through my head.

But in spite of all the guilt I felt and the thoughts of my own fault, I still walked off, and I don’t even know entirely why, stress I suppose. I walked for a while, and noticed she hadn’t followed. Maybe she was finally fed up, and I’d understand if that was the case too. The thought of walking back to the campsite had crossed my mind, but in the end, I decided against it. What’s the point of having a conversation we’ve already had multiple times yet again?

I kept on walking for what must have been at least an hour, and I’d lost the trail more than 20 minutes ago at this point. I was lost in thought and never intended to find my way back. It was only a little while when I noticed something strange through a denser part of the forest… A pink hue in the cracks between the trees. Something more recognizable for being in one of those arcades with flashing LED lights.

Finally gaining awareness of my surroundings thanks to the odd appearance of this light, I looked around and started scanning the area to see if I could possibly find my way back, but it was all unrecognizable. In a forest without a map or any known landmarks. What was I thinking? Considering all my options for a moment, I thought the pink light may be my best option, a sign of civilization.

As I began to approach this light and duck between the trees, I realized something surprising. This light originated from a tunnel. Not one that would normally be in secluded areas, but one that a vehicle would drive in as if through a hill or mountain on a highway. The pink light illuminating the end of the tunnel so bright I couldn’t see the end.

I pondered if I should enter for a moment, and eventually decided to do so due to it being the only sign of anything man-made in sight. I began to walk into the blinding light, squinting my eyes the entire way. The longer I walked the easier the light was to bear; my eyes were adjusting. After the light no longer affected my eyes as badly, I began to look around to see where I was. Then it struck me… I had walked for no longer than 2 minutes, yet I couldn’t see the entrance to the tunnel, nor the end.
Yet, I had seen a doorway in the side of the tunnel which I hadn’t noticed before, and with it, an absence of this pink glow. And so, assuming that it could have led to the surface, I pressed on through the passageway. The inside of this path seemed abandoned, the walls becoming increasingly ruined as I progressed, as what was moss on the bottoms of the walls turned into vines tangled together through the passage.

I checked behind me for the darkening pink light, yet it was gone, along with it the walls of the doorway; Entirely replaced by vines and jagged stone as if in a cavern. I had wondered why I hadn’t felt panicked like I should have been, but this path, the tunnel of light, comforted me. So, I continued, as I have been for hours. My feet sending waves of pain through my body, begging me to stop but being led on by my stubbornness and curiosity.

The path began to open up. What was a wall of vines becoming a large, cavernous opening in the passage. The floor becoming grassy and filled with plant life. I stopped and took a breath for what felt like the first time in hours. I relaxed and took what I saw in, it was beautiful, mesmerizing even. I didn’t even care if I had found my way out, I didn’t have anything waiting for me out there. I was living in the moment more than I ever had been before.

While it was all beautiful, there were two things that caught my eye most. A large bed of flowers covering almost the entirety of the ground in the cavern, all pastel primroses; as well as a pond in the center of the cavern’s opening, shining a pink luminescent light. The exact same light as I had seen in the tunnel.

I felt the pond’s light beckoning me, just as the light of the tunnel did. A solace I had needed in a world where I had found none. I felt a pull drawing me into the pond, one I could not resist. I began to approach the middle of the cavern once again. Into the pond. Into solace. Still fully clothed I stepped into the pond, expecting shallow waters.

Once I had entered the pond, I descended into the water, and the pink light that beckoned me began to fade to black. Falling further than what I had thought would have been the nadir of the pond. As I fell, I felt nothing, like a sensory deprivation tank. It had seemed like an eternity until I could once again see the light, but I was no longer in the water.

When I could once again see, I was staring up at the top of the cavern, unable to move. Amongst the bed of flowers. Amongst the fellow primroses. It had only been a moment until my vision shifted, forcefully pushed by the strength of footsteps above me. I had seen myself, but not myself. A husk made from vine and moss, walking towards the entrance of the cavern, fading into the dark. But I had not felt pain, fear, or sorrow. I felt at peace. I had finally reached solace.

Credit: Kilian Gangale