
15 Jan Jesus 2.0
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π Top-Ranked Stories π Recently Published π Category β Length π Author π Title π Published on January 15, 2019"Jesus 2.0"
Written by Sandra VarelaEstimated reading time β 13 minutes
This story is part of the author’sΒ Heavensville series of interrelated stories. If you enjoy it, the author invites you to click here to read the other tales in the series.
The first thing I noticed about him was his shaggy, champagne-colored hair that reached down to his shoulders and how it contrasted against his dark, brown skin. He smiled, looking at me with his sleepy eyes.
βIβm Chus Dominguez,β he said, extending his soft hand towards me.
According to his file, the kid had lived a life filled to the brim with the worst of luck. Still, his sleepy eyes were cheerful and tender as he introduced himself. I already liked him.
βIβm Mio,β I replied enthusiastically, βYour new foster dad.β I smiled wide, hoping to look welcoming.
In our first month together, I learned that Chus loved wearing tie-dye t-shirts, ripped pair of jeans and John Lennon inspired sunglasses. He was a huge fan of all things Michael Jackson. And each time he spoke, it was like a song, always ending on a pleasing note. His charming demeanor and whimsical charisma won over every person he met. I truly believed I had lucked out because I had been told teenagers were the hardest to foster; but my Chus, he was grand.
Chus impressed his teachers at school with his encyclopedia-like knowledge, acing his first science project when he used a chemical reaction to turn water into wine. Since his grades were good, I allowed him to take an after-school job. He managed to get a job as a carpenterβs helper and with his salary, he made donations to the local homeless shelter. On weekends, he volunteered at the Humane Society. I mean, I really couldnβt complain. The kid was pretty spectacular.
One evening, as I passed by his room, I heard him and his best friend, Tia Chrinst, giggling. I thought nothing of it until I smelled something familiar in the air. Slightly worried, I popped my head in the door.
βGuys? Everything alright?β I asked.
I saw Chus hiding something inside his mouth, not able to reply. Tia, also holding something in her mouth, turned a pallid white. I knew what it was.
βGuys, relax,β I said, sighing and chuckling, βItβs okay. Itβs legal in this state, but, technically, not for you guys. So just do it at home. No driving or going outside, okay?β
Chus and Tia immediately burst into laughter, releasing all the smoke from their mouths into the air. I laughed all the way to my room, where I reminisced about the days I used to get high with my friends back in high school myself. What a wonderful time the 60s had been.
I was dozing off to sleep, when I heard them again, this time in the kitchen. I assumed it was a classic case of the munchies, so I walked down the stairs to show them where all the goods were. As I walked towards the kitchen, I inadvertently overheard their conversation.
βBut have you actually spoken to him lately?β Tia asked Chus.
Chus gloomily replied, βItβs been at least a century since I last spoke to him. But I think he knows where I am. Or if he doesnβt yet, heβll figure it out soon enough.β
I assumed they were reenacting a scene from a movie.
Tia continued, βWell, if our plan goes through, youβll only have to speak to him once more. And then you can live happily ever after. For eternity. Imagine that!β
βI just feel bad,β Chus replied, βAbout using Mio. This is the first time in my entire, long life that Iβll be using a human for my own selfish need.β
βUse me? For what?β I thought to myself, quietly standing behind the wall of the kitchen.
βOh, stop it,β Tia replied, annoyed, βYouβre literally the most selfless soul in this universe. Itβs okay to take care of your own needs once in a lifetime.β
Feeling disappointed and slightly frightened, I silently walked back to my room. I tried not to think about the conversation I had overheard between Tia and Chus. But, soon enough, things started to crumble down for me.
First, my car was vandalized. Then, my identity was stolen. But things got worse. By the end of the month, I had lost my job and had an awful case of pneumonia. At this point, I was starting to get worried as I had to take care of Chusβ needs, not just mine. I searched and searched for a new job online but received no replies. Worse, I could barely breathe as my pneumonia grew scarier and scarier in spite of all the medication and medical visits.
βItβs all my fault,β Chus sheepishly said to me one evening.
I coughed into a napkin, some blood staying behind on it. βWhat do you mean? Of course itβs not.β
βNo. It is. Itβs my fault. I know who is doing all of this. Itβs my father. Heβs doing it to punish me,β he replied, tightening his shoulders.
βOkay?β I said, puzzled.
βChristmas is right around the corner, and on Christmas, we tell the truth,β he began, βI picked you, Mio. I chose you because I knew what a good guy youβve been your whole life. Attempting to foster a child is a clear example of your altruism. Youβre selfless. And I love that about you.β
I continued to listen.
βYou donβt deserve all the misery that was befallen onto you. This is happening to you because he knows Iβm here with you. And Iβve tried to stop it, Iβve tried to help you, but heβs stronger than I am. And Iβm sorry, butβ¦ I needed your help. You see, my father, heβs a very controlling man,β Chus said looking down at his hands.
I was completely lost thinking the pneumonia was blocking me from making sense of everything he was telling me.
Chus continued,βI donβt think youβll believe me until you see it for yourself. Iβm going to need you to come with me. Would you come with me, Mio?β
I noticed his eyes glistening as they filled with tears.
βWhere?β I asked.
βTo see my father. The one who created me,β he replied.
Chus drove us out an hour away to a secluded beach where he walked me to the edge of the water. I assumed that he had set up a meeting at the beach with his father behind my back. At the point, the pneumonia was so severe that all I could say was βyesβ to everything.
βChus, do you think on the way back we could stop at the pharmacy for-β Before I could finish my sentence, I noticed a man approaching us.
This wasnβt just any man. He was a giant. He was a brawny man, strong and powerful, with muscles protruding from his body like mountains on a valley. He wore a pair of unreasonably tight, black swim trunks that highlightedΒ everything. His massive legs looked like they could crush any living creature with a single misstep. His thick skin was evenly bronzed and looked recently oiled. His hair, slightly wet from the ocean, shined and moved in the wind, like in a Pantene commercial.
βHello, father,β I heard Chus say. I couldnβt believe that Chus, the shaggy-haired, scrawny kid had come from this colossal giant whose shadow in the sand was three times the size of me.
βHello,β he answered in a husky voice, βItβs been a while. And I see youβve brought a friend.β
Feeling completely inadequate I managed a wimpy βUh, hi,β before bending over as I coughed up a storm. His father barely acknowledged me.
βSo, youβre going to pretend that you donβt know Mio? After everything youβve put him through?β Chus asked him.
His father broke out into a loud and intimidating laughter, revealing perfect teeth. βSo, youβve gone looking for a new father. You donβt remember what happened the last time you had a human father?β He laughed some more.
I was a bit confused by his choice of words.
βMio, how long have you been his father?β His father suddenly asked me.
βAbout 6 months,β I said, trying to hold some more coughs I could feel building up inside me.
βOh? Six months. Wow. Because Iβve been doing this for thousands of years and heβs still a giant puzzle to me,β his father replied, dismissing me with his hands.
βOkay,β I answered, feigning laughter, βLetβs not get sarcastic, now. Iβve been with him for a little over 6 months and itβs been going great. Now, I donβt know how he ended up in foster care, and Iβm not here to judge you but-β
βJudge me?β His father suddenly asked, sounding scorned. βOf course youβre not here to judge me. Iβm the one who does all the judging.β
βWow, okayβ I replied, getting annoyed, βListen, I think you need to drop it down a notch with your condescending attitude, sir. Once again, I donβt know what issues you have-β
βWhat issues I have?β His father asked me, sarcastically. βYou donβt know the half of it. And I mean that literally. This son of mine created half-a-book worth of lies in my name.β
βI- I donβt follow?β I replied.
I looked over at Chus who was now rapidly blinking and forming beads of sweat over his forehead.
βThereβs a book. About me. Itβs the highest selling book worldwide. You should read it sometime, but only the first part,β his father added sarcastically. Noticing I still had no idea what he was talking about, he sucked his teeth and said, βYou people are truly clueless. You donβt get it? I made men. And women. And the skies, the oceans, the animals, the stars in this universe and, I even made your mom. I made everything. And all Iβve ever asked for in return was for you, smarty-pant creations, to use your God-given brains to worship and adore your creator.β
He paused, closing in on me, βI am your father. I am everyoneβs father. Because I am God.β
βOkay, this guy is completely nuts,β I thought to myself, laughing out loud, causing me to have another coughing fit.
His father stared at me as I struggled to regain my composure, but before I could, he tapped me on the shoulder and said, βWatch this.β
He placed his hands over my chest and shoved me down to the ground.
βHey! Hey!β I said, slowly getting back up, βThereβs no need to get violent. Violence only-β I stopped in the middle of my sentence, noticing the immediate change that had occurred inside me. The pain in my chest was gone. The scratchy feeling inside me throat? Gone. The chills? Gone. The pounding headache? Gone. The pneumonia had disappeared.
βHow did you-? What did you-? How is that-?β I asked, pointing at him and then back at me and then back at him again.
βIβm God, remember?β He repeated.
I looked over at Chus, who simply shrugged his shoulders and nodded.
βNow listen, hereβs what weβre gonna do,β God said, βMy son here, will be coming with me. And I will spare your life and give you back your health, your car, your job and whatever else I took because, quite frankly, I did get a little jealous watching you two canoodling.β
βIβm not coming with you,β Chus finally said, breaking his silence.
βWait, if heβs God, and youβre his son, does that make you-?β I asked, doing the math in my head.
Chus nodded.βYeah, about that. My nameΒ isΒ Chus. Which, in spanish, is short for Jesus.β
I stood there in shock, remembering all his quirks I had noticed; his kindness, his empathy, his intelligence, his carpentry skills, his ability to turn water into wine. How did I not see it before?
Noticing my confusion, Chus added βOf Nazareth?β For clarification.
Still, I stood frozen, going through some sort of existential crisis.
βOh come on!β God suddenly exclaimed. βAre you serious?Β NowΒ youβre impressed?Β NowΒ youβre speechless? I literally just told you I am God and then cured you from pneumonia, but itβsΒ thisΒ guy being Jesus what impresses you?β
βI-uh-noβ¦ Iβm sorry. I just,β I couldnβt figure out a way to explain my natural reaction.
God slammed his enormous fists on the ground, making the sand vibrate beneath us.
βThis is why I detest humans! They worship anything that slightly impresses them. Elvis, the Internet, the Kardashians. I mean, I sent my son Jesus to spread my word, and then what do they do? They make up an entire new religion based off from him, complete with the biggest holiday on earth included. Paganism! Paganism everywhere!β
βI was only trying to help,β Jesus replied, indignantly. I felt bad for Jesus. His father was clearly jealous of him.
βOh! You were only trying to help?β God repeated mockingly. βDo you think it helped me when you claimed that all sins would be forgiven and absolved by me if humans simply repented? Do you think you helped me when you claimed that anyone could make it into the Heavens as long as they claimed my name at their deathbed? NO! You didnβt help. You made all of that stuff up and made a mockery out of my regime! You and your incompetent forgiving ways have gotten us nowhere!β
Jesus quickly replied, βWhat was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to allow you to continuously punish human souls for every tiny, small action that you consider a sin?β
βThis is MY universe and I am its God! Therefore, only I can decide what is a sin or not. Only I get to decide the difference between good and evil!β
Jesus looked over at me. βYou know, you shouldnβt worship God. Not if you want to end up living inside a marble.β He paused. βThatβs what he does. He keeps all the souls inside little marbles so that he can easily count them and know exactly how many souls he owns. And inside the marbles, gives them the illusion of whatΒ heΒ considers to be eternal bliss, which is really just stale Boston cream donuts and room-temperature soda, along with reruns of Gilliganβs Island. Thatβs Heaven, according to him.β
βOh my god,β I answered, petrified.
βDonβt use my name in vain,β God prettily replied, ignoring Jesusβ accusations.
βIβm so sorry,β I immediately replied.
βDonβt say sorry to a murderer,β Jesus provocatively said, βHe had me tortured. Men tore through my tendons, nerves and wrists, nailing me to a wooden cross I had to carry myself. Do you know what it feels like to carry on your back, for miles, the device that will be ultimately used to murder you? The physical agony I endured was unforgivable. But worse than that, he made me carry the weight of all human sins on my back for hundreds of years. There is no bigger weight than that. You guys do sin a lot. The suffering I went through during that period in my life has left with with traumas that I still struggle with today.β
God laughed. βI donβt care. The truth is, I stopped caring about you 2000 years ago when you began spreading false sermons and false messages about who I am and what they must do. Let me be clear with you, I do not forgive. Ever. I do not care. Ever. And Iβll be honest, I feel no guilt about anything Iβve done because I. AM. GOD. I have no remorse from the time I convinced Abraham to kill his children, I have no remorse for ordering the death of children in Egypt, I have no remorse for the time I suffocated and drowned all humans on earth, leaving only Noah and his family behind. So to be completely clear, I have no remorse for what I had done to you. And do you know why?β
Jesusβ eyes filled with tears again.
βBecause I created it all. I am the almighty. There is nothing greater than me. And whether you like it or not, I am still your father,β God replied, his eyes bigger than ever.
βOh my God,β I said, scared shitless.
βYouβve used my name in vain again, Mio,β God said, turning to me.
βIβm so sorry, God, I really am. Itβs a habit of mine,β I quickly replied, realizing what type of god I was facing.
βOh for Godβs sake!β Jesus suddenly screamed. βDo you really care to insultΒ thisΒ God? The reason he is collecting souls is because there are other gods! In other universes! And they have this ridiculous competition going about who can collect the most souls in 1.3 billion years. There is no eternal bliss. Itβll all be over in 1.3 billion years, earth, humans, this universe, itβll all disappear and then heβll move on to something else. He always does.β
βOh my God,β I said again, idiotically not realizing I had used his name in vain again.
βThatβs it! You quit using my name in vain for stupid human expressions!β God suddenly screamed at me.
βYes! Iβm so sorry!β I exclaimed, falling down to my knees, begging for mercy.
God seemed pleased, seeing me on my knees.
βNo! Get up!β Jesus suddenly ran over to me, picking me up from the ground. βI will not allow this any longer! God, I denounce you as my father. Thatβs why I came here in the first place. I came to tell you that you are no longer my father. Mio, here, he is myΒ realΒ father. I no longer love you. I no longer adore you. I no longer worship you. I love Mio, a true good soul. And Iβm here to say goodbye.β
I had heard about Godβs fury before, but had never seen its true powers. Jesusβ words to his father clearly broke something inside him. The last thing I remember was God exploding into a burning, bright light. After that, the world around me disappeared as darkness set in. I felt an avalanche of fear installed inside me, as if I had downloaded it directly into my soul. I felt helpless, lonely, pain, heartbreak, tremendous suffering. I canβt explain with words what it felt like, but I just wanted to disappear into the darkness and to never exist again. I cried out in agony, only to be surrounded by my echoing screams. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I dozed off.
When I woke up, a man sat by my bedside, holding my hand. I didnβt recognize him at first. He was slim with shaggy, champagne-colored hair that reached down to his elbows.
βRemember me? Jesus. Of Nazareth?β He broke into that infectious smile of his.
I felt safe again.
βWhere are we?β I asked him, noticing all the red furniture and red walls in the room.
βDonβt be scared,β he said, pausing, βWe are in a place calledΒ Heavensville. But donβt be fooled by its name. Itβs not Heaven. Itβs actually the headquarters for Hells Inc. on earth. We are in the home of Lucifer.β
βWhat?β I said, a rush of fear suddenly running through my body.
βNo,β Jesus replied, noticing my reaction, βYou can relax. It was on purpose. Let me explain. Iβve been trying to get here for thousands of years, even before my first arrival to earth. But, you canβt just enter Hell. You have to be cast into it by God. Only he decides who comes here. So I had to figure out a way to get here. And my friend, Tia, helped me come up with the plan of making my father jealous enough so that he would finally cast me into Hell.β
βTia? As in, Tia Chrinst, your best friend from school?β I asked, remembering the young teenaged girl with the heavy black eyeliner.
Jesus nodded. βYes, Tia Chrinst. You might know her better as her anagram name. She is the daughter of Lucifer. Sheβs the Antichrist.β
I was feeling even worse by then.
βLook, you have to understand, God has only used me. I only realized it after getting back from earth the first time. And Tia was there for me. Andβ¦ we fell in love. But as much as I tried to convince my father to accept our relationship, he opposed it because heβs a jealous God. And he has always been jealous of his greatest creationβ¦ Lucifer. So, of course I was not allowed to date his daughter. And of course, he gave her the title of the antichrist.β
βI- I guess I canβt judge you,β I replied, sitting up, βGod is veryβ¦ unpleasant.β
βYes,β Jesus replied, βI hope you can understand my choices. And as for you, thereβs no need to worry about getting back home. Thereβs a portal here to earth in the Town Hall. Itβs going through some technical difficulties right now, but they should have it up and running soon and youβll get to go home.β
βWhat about you? Where will you go?β
βOh, well, Lucifer has been kind enough to give me an office and a home here in Heavensville. And as it turns out, I have a lot of angel buddies of mine living here. God casts millions of angels to Hell per year due to their insubordination. So, we have a βLittle Heavenβ neighborhood within Hell filled with fallen angels. And I donβt know, I feel like I can change some things around here. Some of the demons seem incorrigible, but others seem open-minded. Even Lucifer himself, heβs not such a bad guy. I think thereβs a ton of room for improvement. And I think Iβm just the guy for the job.β
βWow,β I replied, βThatβs a complete change of dynamic.β I laughed. βJesus of Nazareth, Demon of Bethlehem.β
Jesus laughed hysterically. βI love that. I think Iβm going to use it!β
Someone knocked on the door, slowly cracking it open.
βThe portal is ready,β said a figure with a humanβs body and a goatβs head, βTime for him to go home.β
Credit: Sandra Varela (Twitter β’ Reddit)
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