It’s 10:19 p.m.
I’m driving home from night class as I stop at a gas station two blocks away from my apartment. No one else is here, and few cars pass by. I get off my car and head towards the small convenient store associated with just about every gas station. The doors are locked, so I make my way to the window where the cashiers help customers when they’ve closed. I look inside as I knock on the window. The lights are on, but I can’t seem to find anyone inside. I turn around to check on my car; still there. I turn back around and get startled. Facing me from inside the store was the cashier. Blood flows down from her pure black eyes and into her clothes.
She tilts her head and slightly opens her mouth. She extends her hand and-
“Hey buddy, mind hurrying it up?” I turn around to respond to an impatient customer.
“Sorry about that.” Oh jeez. Here I go again, narrating my own life in the darkest way possible. Another person lines up behind the other customer as I take out my wallet and hand a twenty dollar bill to the perfectly healthy female cashier.
“What number?” she asks.
“Seven,” I put my wallet back into my pocket. “Thank you.” I nod my head and return to my car. I gas it up and continue to head home. I’ve always had this fascination of imagining the most messed up things when I go about my life, just like how I did when I was at the gas station. I’m always half expecting these imaginations to happen when I think about them, which is why I always do it. I love getting the feeling of being scared or the short-lived anxiety that comes with it. Sometimes, even if it wouldn’t be what I originally imagined, my heart would jump when there’d actually be something there. Like a person being on the other side of the hall when I turn a dark corner, even though it won’t be a beast of some sort that I thought up.
I step on the brakes and halt my car when I hit a four-way stop and check my rearview mirror. The backseat area of my car is dark, and my mind begins to manifest another situation as I resume my drive.
Behind me sits a thin, long haired creature. It has the body of a dog and a mouth like that of a human being. Its eyes are wide and pure white. It stares at me as I look ahead of me, paying attention to the road. It never stops staring as I drive. I turn my head to check my blind spot, and the creature is gone. I look forward again and the creature returns behind me, only to have its face inches closer to my neck. The reflection of the creature can be seen on the rearview mirror, but I still don’t notice it. The creature smiles, revealing its sharp and crooked teeth. Soon, it-
Oh. I’m home now. Time sure flies. I pull up to my parking spot and turn my car off. I grab my backpack from the passenger seat and pulled the handle of the car door to open it, but stop as I feel something blow pass the back of my neck. Like a breath. I disregard it.
Until I felt it again for the second time.
Credit: Ismael Zuniga (Facebook • Instagram • Wattpad)
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Not the best,the plot was kinda okay poorly executed,coulda done with some help,lenghteningh it would’ve also been a great option
Very nice concept.
Not the worst creepypasta I’ve ever read. Neither is it the best.
Although I believe it could be expanded on, I enjoyed this story. Like the narrartor, I also find myself thinking up the worst case scenario and/or imaging people as demons or various other entities from time to time.
An idea that I had on expanding the story is, maybe by ‘imagining’ people as monsters and so on, the author is unintentionally welcoming some sort of evil [I’m assuming it was the Rake in this story??) to come into our world. And once it’s here, the author has to figure out how to suppress their memories of the creature in order to banish it back to the underworld. I guess kind of like how if you don’t think about/fear Freddy Kreuger he loses power, ya know?
Ok, I’m rambling now, but that was just a thought. Either way, this story is a 6.5/10 :)
Dun-dun-dunnnnnn!
You know the days your just scared or creeped out and you cover your entire body in your blanket. I’m doing that right now while I was reading this story through my phone in the dark and when it said ” the monster went inches closer to me” something in my room moved, like the sound of something comming closer, coincidently…..at the same time, this isn’t the first time this happened, I once read a book about a snowman and the snowmans head fall off and my snowmans head fell off the moment I read that line, it was a goosebumps book and many things in that book came true, I’m going completely off topic, the story was okay it was really interesting at first but ended to early I say 6/10 is about right.
The creature kinda seems like The Rake. If you haven’t read about The Rake I do recommend it!!
I…..I couldn’t help but imagine a dog with a Michael Cera head. I know, I failed you all.
Well. Um I’d give it a 2/10 it was a bad follow up and the story had no structure.. Also the story was TOO short. Just hands down
Honestly, when you said body of a dog and mouth of a human being, I thought of some goofy looking dog.
I think the premise really has potential. I actually like the idea of the overimaginative narrator, but I think that two things might be better if they were altered: the escalation of the scares, and the actual antagonist. The dog/person wasn’t frightening to me. It did, after all, just sit there, and didn’t seem to be bearing any particular ill will towards the narrator. It breathed on him. I think the story would be better with a more realistic antagonist gradually laying out signs that it was real, not imagined. Maybe he imagines this dog, but fails to notice the serial killer crouched beneath his back seat, and when the man accidentally makes a sound, the narrator dismisses it as his imagination. But have that hint of malice there, otherwise the situation isn’t very compelling.
Wow…. Not bad…. I really like it!
Sorry this was just sloppy. It was slow, boring and just tedious to read. Following the story was hard work and the concept didn’t frighten me. This is just not scary or creepy.
Thanks for the comments and critique! I was kind of going for a “micro-pasta” type of scare, which is why it’s so short. From the comments, I can see that it didn’t achieve the feeling I would’ve liked people to experience. Perhaps the idea was too big for a micro-pasta story?
Suggestions are welcome! :D
Ignore them. This was wonderful. Trust me… I would know
I really loved it
The stilted language was too off-putting for me to get into this one. For example, “…my mind begins to manifest another situation…”. Better just to use plain English confidently.
Also, “It has the body of a dog and a mouth like that of a human being” — maybe the image would be more arresting, more real, if the mouth was described as being that of a man, or a woman. Rather than “a human being”, which sounds like the talk of a Victorian scientist or a contemporary 8 year old.
well now that I don’t want to sleep with my back open…
i tend to imagine stuff like that, so this actually freaked me out. very good.
Kind of scary. I got chills just reading it.
So the story is centered around a protagonist who pretends to imagine creepy things happening to him – that aren’t actually happening…
Here is the problem with that: you can’t base a creepy story on someone who fakes his own nightmares and then expect us to actually feel scared when something “real” happens. The narrator is unreliable, and so the “scare” at the end of the story just felt like another prompt for a fake reaction.
This concept is interesting, but the shortness of it didn’t allow you build the tension necessary to pull it off. If the story had been longer, you could have implemented a “change over time” scenario where the protagonist’s imagined nightmares slowly become more real. That way, you would have kept the reader second-guessing him/herself. As it is right now, it is just underdeveloped.
Also, some of the writing is a little choppy, but nothing too serious. Everyone on this site seems to scream in terror more at a long, complicated sentence than they would at an actual creepy story. In that regards, keep the diction, but loose the choppy syntax.
All in all, the story was underdeveloped, but generally intriguing. The writing needs a little spit-shine, but it wasn’t god-awful. I would recommend taking it slow next time, because this piece feels rushed. Good Luck!
Thanks!
Then who was animal?
This pasta didn’t seem very well thought out – and it ended somewhat abruptly. I was disappointed.
The concept was sort of interesting, though.
2/10.
This was a very tasty pasta. Good job.
This was surprisingly good. Very tasty.
Not a great pasta. Short sputtering story with light layers of description that leave a lot to be desired. The story in its self is weak being as you disclose the reasoning of the narrators paranoia to be self inflicted with no greater implications developing from it. He/she is not insane and there for is in complete control of what happens to him or her which, in my opinion, takes away any form of creepiness and leaves me with a since of longing for something more. Grammar was merely acceptable and the structure was unoriginal. Doesn’t work for me 3/10.
I give it a 3/5 Themight have ben a good story,but you ended it too quickly, and ended it the same way most people do.
Not really bad… but pretty boring.
He’s -robably still imagining it, he did the dog twice. Of course that’s not intended, but yeah. No real scare.