01 Apr Bill Cosby Commercial
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"Bill Cosby Commercial"Written by
Estimated reading time — 6 minutes
Last week, on a wet and windy night, with no motivation to finish my college assignments, I began to peruse the Internet as a way to procrastinate, as we all often do. Having completed Sonic the Hedgehog on an emulator a few hours earlier, I was in a nostalgic mood. After searching youtube for old Sega Genesis commercials, my finger still lingered on the mouse. I kept clicking on the suggested videos and reliving old memories from my childhood. I felt a comfort one only gets from seeing things you never really knew had such an influence on you when you were young and innocent.
Soon I was lost revelling in such classics as “melts in your mouth, not in your hand”, “Who loves orange soda?” “NO SOUP FOR YOU”, “How you doin’?”, “Come with me if you want to live”, “The truth is out there” and of course, “Wassssssaaaaaaaap!!”
I only realised that I’d lost track of time when I tried to find my phone in what was now a pitch dark room. Checking the time on my monitor I was shocked to find it was already after 2 AM. I resolved to go to bed as I had class in the morning, but couldn’t resist watching one last video, just to round off the night. Scanning through the suggestions, I was disappointed to find that I had watched them all, except for this one video at the very bottom, entitled “Bill Cosby sells his soul for pudding”. Although I had a vague idea of who Bill Cosby was from old Simpsons episodes, I’d never actually seen anything he was famous for- but I’ll admit the title intrigued me somewhat.
As I clicked the link and sat back to be entertained, I had no Idea that I was making the biggest mistake of my life.
The video started off Innocently enough, obviously some old commercial for gelatine.
Bill Cosby was standing in a Kitchen surrounded by little kids. “There’s an easy way to make Jelo instant pudding- Just shake it!” He announced in a cheery voice. The Video skipped a bit at this point, lingering on the “Shake it” part- a tad annoying, but the Internet in the house could become a little jittery at times, so I was used to it. The video cut to Cosby’s head moving in from the left of the screen- “Follow the Directions” he said. I wasn’t sure why at the time, but something about this was vaguely unsettling, though I thought perhaps it was due to the fact that it was a sudden jump cut. A mangled version of the product jingle played, then it cut back to “Follow the directions”, only slower– my brow furrowed. The next part was from a different advert, Cosby was holding four jiggling watermelons, the movement seemed to be semi-cyclical, moving from the start to the end and back again. It was hypnotic, and quite nauseating, which made it all the more abrupt when then audio cut to triple speed “What’s making these watermelons wriggle?”, I felt at this point extremely uncomfortable, like my defences were being broken down. I felt like, just like- “Just like Jelo gelatin” Cosby finished the thought for me, several times. This was beginning to feel really weird.
The scene cut to a ginger kid repeating the same movement over and over.
“That’s it” I thought. “enough of this”. Ginger kids freaked me out at the best of times. As I raised my hand to move the mouse however, something peculiar happened. A cut to Cosby again, moving his left hand in seemingly random directions, pudding pop in his right, repeating “This, this, or this” a number of times. My right hand immediately became stiff and started to spasm beyond my control, disrupting my path to the mouse. After that point on, I was powerless to control myself- forced to sit and witness what was unfolding before me, regardless of will. At this point of no return, Cosby lingered a look of surprise my way, almost mockingly, emitting a demonically low pitched moan. I was scared.
Another kid in the video seemed to echo my emotions, “Hey Bill Cosby what’s tha- AH AH AH”. If I could have screamed at that point, I would have.
“Follow the directions” Cosby repeated horrifyingly.
The Mangled Jingle played again, for longer this time, each second forcibly propping up my eyelids.
The watermelon part reappeared, even slower than before, but instead of being nauseated, I felt lulled into subservience.
The scene cut to a smiley faced clock, moving its hands in an almost wave-like pattern, A bit- crunched warning repeated almost too quick for me to make out- “You sing you die, you sing you die” before crunching completely to a jarring buzz, its eyes popping open and shut at a speed greater than what should be physically possible.
“Follow the Directions”
“…FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS…”
The video grinded to a complete halt, Cosby’s judgmental eyes fixed squarely on mine, just long enough to make me feel a glimmer of hope that the internet had failed, before he whipped his head back saying “Don’t worry…” with a smug superiority.
“…Pudding pop swirl” The demon Cosby finished, before letting his head fly about erratically on his unmoving shoulders in a movement akin to something out of ‘The Exorcist’.
“whatwhatwhatwhat” it continued, as if to eradicate any morsel of critical thinking left in my being.
The demon proceeded to fellate a chocolate pudding pop with a sleazy, unholy glee. A close-up cut to its burningly erotic gaze left me with no semblance of the lie that I had not been violated. Even though the video quality was grainy, those eyes pierced me to my very soul; they were so…Hyper-Realistic.
“Thank you” it finished, before poising itself like a cat ready to pounce.
In the brief respite that followed I allowed myself to exhale for the first time since that horror began. As the breath exuded however, I felt my consciousness follow suit, all remnants of perception fading as I slipped into an abyss, serenaded by the haunting echo of “WaaatteerrrMmeelloonns” marking my descent into darkness, until I knew no more.
I came to by the sound of the front door closing downstairs. It was still dark outside.
“Man I must’ve been conked out for at least an hour” I thought to myself as I rubbed the back of my creaky neck on the way down to the kitchen.
I felt exhausted as I pushed open the door, but I needed both water and to find out who could be calling at this hour. Turns out it was just my housemate getting home from a nightclub.
“Hey man” I greeted him. “Didn’t know you went out, don’t you have an exam in the morning? What is it like 4AM?”
“What are you talking about dude?” He asked, quizzically. “It’s only half twelve. And that exam was this morning. You high or somethin’?”
At this point I felt extremely muddled. “Nah man that can’t be right. I fell asleep like two hours ago. We just finished playing ‘Sonic’ earlier on remember?”
“Dude that was YESTERDAY, I ain’t seen you at all today. Whatever you’re on you gotta share it with me!” He chuckled.
My face knotted into a ball of confusion. I simply turned to go check my calendar upstairs, he couldn’t have been right.
“Pffft fine” he snorted.
“And by the way, you owe me a box of pudding pops!!” he called after me.
I froze. “What did you say??”.
“My pudding pops. I had a whole box this morning now they’re gone”
With that I felt a tremendous fear and bolted up the stairs.
“Hey man don’t worry about it I ain’t mad. Just get some new ones when you can that’s all!” He shouted.
I could barely hear him though as I raced to my room to check my computer. I thought it was just in power save mode when I woke up but now it wouldn’t even turn on. The screen was on standby, but the actual computer was unresponsive. After much frenzied inspection I found that the power chord had been cut. To Say I was freaked out would have been a massive understatement.
“What in the name of holy hell is going on??…” I remember muttering to myself.
It’s been a whole week since then, and things have just been getting stranger and stranger. The blackouts are becoming longer and more frequent, and I can feel myself slipping away. Every time I’ve slept I’ve been plagued by visions of the beast, pudding and ginger kids everywhere. I tried my best to fight it; I’ve been awake now for forty eight hours but it’s no use. I can feel Bill Cosby’s presence even in my waking moments. Sometimes I don’t know where I am and can’t communicate in anything other than nonsensical jabbering.
Two days ago I suddenly snapped back to reality to find myself staring at my fridge, full to the brim with pudding pops. I screamed and tried to run but immediately fell to the floor as I was wearing two halves of Watermelon on my feet instead of shoes.
I’m really scared. There’s no one in the house anymore, all my housemates have disappeared. I can’t even bear to think what may have happened to them, what I in my delirium may have done; the atrocities that monster may have used these hands for…
I’m doomed. There’s no hope for me, I realise that now. The reason I write this is to share my story so that whatever happens, at least I got chance to tell my side of it, and maybe spare other potential victims the horror of this terrible fate.
To those who loved me, my family, my friends; try to remember me as I once was.
To everyone else, for all that is holy, whatever you do- DO NOT WATCH THE VIDEO!!
Oh god *flipfloop* It’s happening again. I can *flimflam*feel it! God please!*ZamZobbidy*. I can’t *HipHobbidyhold out much longer!! He’s *KimKamKibbityComming!! ZimSomebody Help me!! ZimZamZobbidyZELP ME!!! ZELP MEEMBAMbobbidy…
FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS.
Credit To – AbsoluteBillion, Beefnuts