The House I Squatted In Never Existed

My father committed suicide when I was six years old.

When you’re that young, you don’t really understand much beyond the fact that Daddy is never coming back home. And that mommy will never be the same again.

She was always a drinker, but when Dad died, it increased tenfold.

She hit me for the first time when I was eight. I don’t remember what I said at all, but I remember my cheek stinging afterwards. The look on her face could be best described as indifferent. She didn’t look like she hated me, but she didn’t look like she loved me either. Her eyes told me you’re my son, and I have to love you.

I’ll never forget that look. It was a look that told me all I needed to know; I didn’t belong here.

I ran away for the first time when I was thirteen. It was only a couple of days—police respond pretty fast on reports of a homeless thirteen-year-old—and I was back in my mother’s chokehold.

I remember the taste of blood more than anything that day.

When I was fifteen, mom got a boyfriend, Darren.

My year with Darren was hell. Shouting matches, fist fights, nights slept at the bus stop, all while my mother witnessed it with a bottle in her hand. As the year went on, it got harder and harder to convince teachers that I was just a really clumsy boy.

My sixteenth birthday was my final straw. I came home to my mother passed out on the couch while Darren tried to rip off her clothes. I led with my fists first. My fist connected with the back of his head, and he fell to the ground hard. When he got up, I immediately regretted it.

I was thrown against the wall and beaten until I couldn’t stand. My blurry vision watched as blood dripped onto the floor below me, and Darren’s voice drifted in and out. But I did hear one thing clearly.

“Get the fuck out of my house!”

Didn’t take much convincing after that.

With nothing but my father’s heavy leather jacket and a backpack, I walked to the bus stop and cried myself to sleep on the cold bench.

It seemed my absence from school went mostly unnoticed; until Maddie called.

Maddie was a fiery little redhead who’d had some strange fascination with me since middle school. I never understood it until I met her father. The richest man in the city, with property on every square inch, the fact that I breathed the same air as his perfect daughter pissed him off. And she loved pushing his buttons. So of course, we started dating.

I never told her about what happened at home, but I didn’t need to. She saw every scar, every bruise, every black eye. She never asked; she would just kiss me and remind me she was there. Whether she actually cared for me or not, I didn’t care. It was just nice to have someone like her in my life.

She called me after a few days of absences. I didn’t feel right asking her for a place to stay, but winter was coming, and I was pretty sure I was developing hypothermia. I needed a warm bed. She was the only one I trusted to give me one.

There was a tree at the side of her house, big, tall, and directly next to her bedroom window. I’d used that tree a hundred times to sneak into her room, fool around and get chased out by her dad. It was always fun.

I climbed up that tree again when the cold had become too much to bear. She met me at the window with a smile—straight and white as ever—and slid the window open. “Hey, loser.” She said sweetly, but her smile faded slightly when the soft pink lights of her room lit up my face. “You okay?”

“As okay as usual.” I put my hands on the thick branch above my head and leaned forward. “Got kicked out again.” She ignored my words and put a gentle hand to my cheek. I winced a little at her touch. It didn’t hurt, but gentleness like hers still shocked me.

“What’d he do this time?” She asked in a whisper. I shrugged and let my gaze drift away from her. My silence only seemed to grow her curiosity. “Kris. Talk to me.”

“I’m fine,” I said a little too quickly as my eyes returned to hers. “I need a place to stay for a few days.” She gave a sad sigh before she responded.

“You know you can’t stay here, as much as I want you to. Dad will kill us both.” I rolled my eyes at the mention of her father. I’m not sure any father would just accept some homeless kid into their house, but if that homeless kid were dating their daughter, they’d at least think about it. Mr. Morgan would strangle me with his bare hands before I even got to ask.

“Just tonight, Mads.” I pleaded quietly. “I’m cold.” Maddie gave me a small smile and grabbed the studded lapel of my jacket.

“Get in here, idiot.” She giggled and pulled me through the window. I stepped in quietly, something I had gotten quite good at over the years. “You wear this jacket so damn much, you’d think you’d never get cold.” Her hands, warm and soft, slipped under my jacket and shrugged it off my shoulders. It hit the floor with a thud, and I felt her hands trace down my chest and to my arms. I pulled away instinctively, but she gripped my wrist and pulled it back towards her. “You’ve been doing it again.” Her fingers gently traced the raised skin slashed across my wrists. I let her fingers wander my ledger of failures and thought of any excuse I could. None came to mind.

“It’s been rough, Mads.” I whispered. She looked up at me and stepped closer. Her hand squeezed my wrist as she placed a kiss on my cheek.

“Get in bed. You’re safe here for the night.”

I slept like a baby that night, with her arms squeezing me like a teddy bear. Like she was scared I’d disappear in the middle of the night. I was scared of that myself.

When the morning sunlight hit my face, she was still clinging to my side. I opened my eyes to find she had been awake and just staring at me. “What?” I groggily asked.

“You look so peaceful when you sleep.” Her mouth curved into a small smile, and she shifted to rest her head on my shoulder. “We have an hour before dad comes up to check on me.”

“I can think of a few-”

“You’re ridiculous.” She interrupted me with a smack to my chest. “We need to talk about where you’re gonna stay.” I squeezed her slightly.

“I can get used to living here.” She giggled and shook her head.

“If you only plan on living for another forty-five minutes, sure.” Her face dropped a little, and I felt her heart skip a beat. Her hand travelled down my arm, but stopped before she got to my wrists. “I wish you could. I really do. But I’m serious, Kris. You need somewhere permanent.” I sighed and sat up, my head resting against the wall behind us.

“I’m not going to a shelter,” I admitted quietly. “They freak me out.”

“What about an orphanage?”

“Not many jumping at the chance to scoop up someone like me.” She frowned and looked up at me. Our eyes met, and I saw nothing but concern fill her sparkly green eyes. It made me smile, and without a second thought, I kissed her. She seemed surprised, but smiled again and kissed me. The outside world melted while our lips connected; it felt as though this was what life was supposed to feel like. When she pulled away, I felt the world come back into focus. It was disappointing.

“I have an idea.” She whispered against my lips. “It’s stupid, that’s your specialty.” I gave a small chuckle as she propped herself up on her elbows. “My dad has a bunch of properties he’s abandoned. They get plumbing, power, everything, and he barely remembers he’s paying for them. Why don’t we try one of them?” I laughed a little.

“A place to live, and I get to fuck with your dad? No need to sell me, princess.” She smiled wide—that was her favorite nickname—and she kissed me again.

“We have thirty minutes, loser,” she whispered against my lips as her hands roamed my chest and she straddled my waist. “Get to work.”

We met again later that night at the closest gas station to her house. I sat on the curb, my jacket wrapped tight around me, the glow of the Circle K sign bathing me in a red hue. I shivered, sighed, and watched my breath fog in front of me as the clicking of heels made themselves apparent. “You don’t have to dress up for me.” I said with a small chuckle.

“I went to dinner and came straight here.” She said with that tinge of annoyance I’d grown to love. “Mom and Dad think I’m with Liv, so we’d better hurry.” I stood and gave her a once-over: long coat that was worth more than my entire life, a long, multicolored scarf, and a thick, woven sweater. I couldn’t help but wonder if she understood we were planning on breaking into a house tonight.

“How far is it?”

Not far. We walked for maybe ten minutes before coming upon a barely lit neighborhood. One streetlamp lit up the corner, but the houses were shrouded in darkness. It was an eerie thing, seeing such a suburban dream trapped in limbo. She grabbed my hand and walked me down the street. We passed empty house after empty house, and I wondered how the hell we had a homeless crisis. “I got a peek at Dad’s listings and found one he’s paid the least amount of attention to,” Maddie explained as she pulled me further into the darkness, “has heat, plumbing, electricity, everything.”

“You sure he won’t notice?” I asked skeptically.

“No one lives here, he never comes down here; you’ll be fine. Promise.” She flashed me a sweet smile and I felt my nerves calm slightly. We stopped at our destination, and my eyes followed the structure in front of us. It was one story, obviously outdated, but it had a certain charm to it. It was built sturdy, stone walls, a shingled roof, and a few too many windows for my liking. The door seemed to be the oldest element, its blue paint chipped and falling onto the porch. Maddie turned to me and smiled. “What do you think?”

“It’s bigger than I’m used to,” I admitted quietly and absentmindedly. She gave a small giggle, kissed my cheek, and pulled my arm again to drag me to the door. It opened with ease when she turned the knob. We were greeted with a dark, empty house. Unfurnished and eerily quiet. Something in my chest tightened when I crossed the threshold between sleeping on the streets and sleeping in a house; this felt wrong. Maddie flicked a switch—it was so loud I swore it echoed—and the lights took a few seconds to fill the room. The floors were tile, a creamy white color that had too much reflection, and the kitchen, which was just visible from where I stood, looked strangely rustic when compared to the rest of the house. I kept my mouth shut, but my stomach turned.

“Weird,” Maddie whispered before she turned to me. “Empty houses freak me out. Like…” She trailed off and cleared her throat. “Thankfully, there should be a bed in here!”

We took a left down a small hallway and walked through the only door into the bedroom, empty except for a basic wooden frame with a mattress sat in it. Covers were pulled tight against it, white sheets were bright, and the pillows looked fluffed. “You’re sure no one lives here?”

“Nope!” Maddie smiled. “Dad just loved to make sure he had a place to sleep in case he was stuck in one of these houses.” My eyes were stuck to the bed. Perfectly made in the center of this empty, forgotten room. I pushed the anxieties out of my mind and let out a breath.

“It’s better than the bus station.” I said with a laugh. Maddie smacked my arm.

“You can say thank you, idiot!” We both laughed, and I pecked her lips.

“Thank you, Mads. Really.” I smiled, turned back to the bed, and felt a feeling I hadn’t felt in years; I didn’t want to sleep alone tonight. “Are you staying with me?” I asked as I turned back to face her. My voice gave away more fear than I had meant it to.

“I can’t,” Maddie replied solemnly, “they’re expecting me back home soon. But, I’ll come by tomorrow with some groceries, okay?” I kept the disappointment off my face and simply nodded.

“Okay.” I leaned in and kissed her again, letting my lips linger a few seconds longer on hers. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and gave me another small kiss.

“See you tomorrow, loser.”

I watched her leave, and when the door shut, unease washed over my body. I needed to know this house, every corner, or else I wasn’t going to be able to sleep. I walked back out to the hall and froze in the doorway.

There was another door. That was impossible. We walked down the hall, there was one door. One. But I stood there and stared at the one in front of me. I felt my heart quicken. My hand moved before I could think, and I grabbed the knob. I reeled back immediately.

It was freezing. It was so cold it hurt to touch.

I gripped my right hand in my left and jumped when I heard something behind the door. Laughter. A child’s laughter.

That wasn’t real, I thought to myself. It was just my imagination, hallucinations brought on by sleeping for a total of eight hours over the past three days.

The door laughed again.

I turned and walked down the hall, into the unfurnished living room. The lights were still on. Something about that made me feel safe.

I took a few minutes to wander the house—it felt bigger than it looked—and made sure every window was shut and locked. My nerves calmed slightly after this procedure was done. But I kept the lights on. If no one came down here anyway, no one would call the cops. And I didn’t want to sleep in the dark. I felt like a child thinking that way, but something about that damn door made me feel like that. The way it laughed when I passed it again to get to the bedroom. I hated it.

But, it was all a dream. I just needed to catch up on sleep and things would feel more rational.

I had a funny way of being wrong back then. Because when I woke up the next morning, the door was still there, and the laughing only grew louder.

. . .

I woke late, my eyes shocked open by another nightmare. I grabbed my phone, and the clock read ten through the cracked screen. I also found a message from Maddie.

Be by around noon. Hope you slept well.

I messaged back saying I’ll see her then and stretched. My body felt like it had run a marathon. The bed was comfortable, but my mind couldn’t stop running a million miles a minute. Darren. My mom. Maddie. This house. Then it came back to me: the door. I had forgotten about it in my slumber, and now I felt my body shiver as I remembered it.

It was just a dream.

It didn’t feel like one. It felt too real. The way my entire body recoiled when my hand gripped that knob wasn’t a fantasy. I slipped out of bed and walked to the entrance of the room, and hesitated before I opened the door.

Don’t be there, please don’t be there.

It was there. But something was different. My eyes scanned up and down to find what was different about it. I flashed my memory back to last night and tried to remember every detail. That’s when it clicked.

It changed color. Not by much, but it was noticeable. Last night, it was a dark brown. It was lighter now. And that small change made my stomach drop.

It laughed again. Childlike, squeaky, like some kid was running around behind there. I reached again but pulled back. Whatever was behind this door, whatever the hell this door was, I wanted nothing to do with it. I gave it one final glance before I stepped down the hall and into the empty living room. It was only ten-thirty.

I slumped against the wall and brought my knees to my chest. I had just realized how heavily I was breathing and the fact that my body couldn’t stop shaking. I steadied my breath and rested my head against the wall. It was just a door. I shouldn’t have had such anxiety over a fucking door.

I looked to the kitchen to my left and felt unease in my stomach again. I was so focused on that door that I never realized how strange the kitchen was. The house itself was built modern—for the time anyway—but the kitchen looked a decade behind. Mostly wood, the stove looked ancient; there wasn’t even a microwave. I stood slowly and walked my way to the kitchen. As soon as I stepped foot into the kitchen, the wooden floor creaked beneath me.

The cabinets that hung on the wall were crooked, and one of the doors was stuck open. The oven was filthy, as if someone had been using it for years, with a stovetop to match. My anxieties turned into confusion. Who the hell would build a kitchen like this in a house like this? The rest of the house looked like it belonged, probably built in the nineties. But the kitchen—I couldn’t place it.

I heard a knock at the door. Shit, I thought, someone found me. Then I pulled out my phone and saw it was noon. It had been an hour. That was impossible, at most it had been fifteen minutes since I woke up. How the hell did I lose two hours?

I was going crazy. With everything that had been going on, I was just losing my mind. No matter how much sleep I got, that wouldn’t fix it.

I shook myself back to reality when I realized it was likely Maddie at the door. I rushed across the house and opened the front door to find her stood there, cradling grocery bags in her arms. “Morning, idiot.” She smiled and stepped in, handing me a bag to hold. “How was your first night?” I stared at her for a moment and wondered what my answer should be.

“Fine.” I replied with a small, forced smile. She saw right through it.

“Don’t lie to me, loser.” She set the bag she was holding on the counter. “You look miserable.”
“It’s just…weird.” I admitted. Maddie turned to me, her lips curved into a half smile.

“Tough guy scared of the big house?” The teasing tone in her voice got a genuine chuckle out of me.

“The big empty house scares me.” I replied and set down the other bag she gave me. “It’ll just take a while to get used to, is all.” Maddie kissed my cheek and patted my face lightly.

“Come on, big guy. I brought more than this.”

Dating the rich girl certainly had its perks. We dragged from her cherry red Mercedes three more bags of groceries, a backpack full of my clothes—it was easy to get into my house when my mother was passed out on the couch—and a six-pack of Coors Banquet. “It was hard to find somewhere that didn’t recognize me!” She yelled at me as she handed it to me.

As we walked back to the kitchen to set everything down, I froze.

It looked normal. When Maddie walked into it, the floor didn’t creak. The stove was polished, the cabinets were pristine—it belonged. Maddie turned to look at me from the fridge. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” She remarked. I took a second to answer.

“Just…didn’t get a lot of sleep.” I lied through my teeth. “And I missed you.” Didn’t need to lie for that one. She smiled and shook her head.

“You’re corny.” Her hands smoothed over the now granite countertop as her eyes scanned over the groceries she brought. “This should be enough for the week, maybe two if you’re frugal.”

“You know I am.” I joked as I leaned on the countertop and looked her in the eye. “Thank you for all this, Mads. You didn’t have to-”

“Don’t you finish that sentence.” She interrupted me. “I wanted to, and I did. End of story.” She crossed around the counter and wrapped her arms loosely around my neck. Her lips pecked mine and I felt all the dread leave my body. With her here, the suffocation of this house had less of a grip. Maddie had a habit of doing that. “I brought my laptop. Why don’t we get in bed, you have a beer and we watch some dumb movie?” I smiled at the suggestion and pecked her lips.

“You know me so well.”

Maddie gathered her laptop and a box of Cheez-Its (I knew those were just for her the second I saw them) while I grabbed a still-too-warm bottle of Coors. She squealed down the hallway and I followed her with a laugh. But I froze at the doorway.

It was gone.

That door was gone. It was just a wall. A normal, beige wall.

I swear my heart stopped.

My hand, shaky and uncertain, reached and touched the wall. The cold still lingered, but it was just a wall. Just a fucking wall.

My other hand gripped the bottle too tightly. My eyes couldn’t leave the wall. The door was there, I saw it, I felt it, how the hell did it just disappear?

“Your room’s on this side, stupid.” I jumped at Maddie’s voice and turned to her. “Jesus, you’re jumpy.” I forced out a laugh and cleared my throat.

“Like I said, not much sleep.” Her face dropped for a moment as her hand reached for my arm.

“Talk to me.” She cooed quietly. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” I said quickly. “Just…need to relax.” A sweet smile curved onto her lips, and she gave me another small kiss.

“Come on. We’ll relax, promise.”

We curled up in bed and watched Mean Girls. Well, she watched it. I watched half of it until I fell asleep in her arms.

I dreamed of the door.

Just me and the door. I stared at it for what felt like hours. My breath was visible in front of me and my entire body was covered in goosebumps. I felt nothing but fear. My heart raced and my breaths were frantic.

I couldn’t move. I felt frozen.

The door opened.

There was a void inside the doorway—nothing but black.

But I could feel it. I could feel someone, something watching me. I wanted to run. All I wanted to do was run, like I had all my life.

My eyes darted open. The lights were off, and I was alone. My hands instinctively reached for Maddie, but they came up empty. I groaned and sat up, only to feel a piece of paper taped to my shirt. I pulled it off and grabbed my phone, using the flashlight to light up the paper. My eyes strained to read the words hurriedly written in her lipstick.
Had to run, Dad called. I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise. Make sure you get enough sleep, okay? I worry about you. See you later, loser. – Maddie

I couldn’t help but smile as my eyes scanned the page. I put the note down and reached for the bottle I left on the floor. It was empty. I sighed and swung my legs over the side of the bed, and forced myself to the lightswitch. The lights took a moment to flick on, and when they did, I felt a sense of relief and terror.

It was back.

The door stood opposite of the doorway I was in, and it had changed more. The color was now a crisp white, and the cold got worse. The knob was frosted and ice had frozen over the frame of it. I shivered. My feet forced themselves to take a few careful steps towards the anomaly. My shivering grew more intense. It laughed again.

“It was your fault!” A cold voice called behind the door. My breath hitched and I stepped back. The voice sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. I didn’t want to place it. My heart pounded in my chest. The knob turned slightly.

I ran.

I ran into the living room and switched the lights on. My breaths were ragged and heavy as I stared down the hall. I knew that voice, how the hell did I know that voice?

The lights shut off.

“Shit.” I mumbled and fished my phone out of my pocket. I flicked on the flashlight and screamed. I fell on my ass and my phone hit the floor. It landed face down and lit up the center of the room. It lit up what startled me.

There was a woman in front of me. She faced away from me, her brunette hair cascaded down her back. Her dress was dark blue and full of holes and rips. She stood perfectly still. Eerily still.

“H-hello?” I breathed out shakily. No answer. My eyes darted around the room and found another body stood behind me. It was a man, his hair was buzzed off and the suit that adorned him was also nearly ripped to shreds. “What the fuck?” I whispered and stood on wobbly legs. I grabbed my phone and threw the light around the room.

More bodies. Frozen in time. Faced against the walls and corners of the room. “Who the fuck are you?” I screamed at all of them as I spun in place. It seemed like they were multiplying. I felt my breathing quicken, it felt like the space was getting tighter and tighter. My heart was going a mile a minute.

Then I stopped.
Right in front of me stood a woman in a ruined wedding dress. She faced me. She was the only one.

She was my mother.

“Laura?” I asked skeptically. Her expression was blank. Her eyes were black and emotionless. Against my better judgment, I stepped forward, “M-mom? What are you doing here?” I asked quietly.

“Why, Kris?” Her voice echoed in the room. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.

“What?”

“It was your fault.” Her black eyes darted to me. “It was always your god damn fault!” She took a step towards me. I felt stuck in place as she closed the distance between us. “Nothing but a little fuck up. Since the day you were born-”

“Stop-” She grabbed my face in her hand. Her hands were so cold, her fingers burned on my skin. I watched as a black tear rolled down her cheek.

“Your father did a good thing, dying before he could see what a piece of shit you’d become.”

“Shut up!” I screamed and found the strength to push her off. She didn’t stumble, just simply floated backwards and kept her gaze on me. I felt tears sting in my eyes. Every person in the room turned to face me. I held my breath. It felt as though I was waiting for the dream to be over.

“Hell is your own creation.” They all spoke in unison, their voices all blending into a choir of accusations. “Face it before it consumes you.” I looked back to my mother—or whatever the hell was wearing my mother’s skin—and it spoke again.

“He’d be so disappointed in you.”

Light filled the room again.

They were all gone.

I fell to my knees. I couldn’t even begin to think about what the hell just happened.

All I had the capacity to do, was cry.

. . .

Void. I was in a void.

I felt like I was endlessly falling through a void in space. Darkness enveloped me, and all I could hear was the sound of wind as I raced to nowhere.

My heart felt heavy. My head was pounding. My wrists burned.

I wished that, at the end of this, it would be death. It felt as though it was all I deserved.

“Kris?” I heard a voice echo through the emptiness. My eyes shifted side to side, but found nothing. “Kris!” It called again. I felt the air leave my lungs.

I shot up with a gasp, my eyes squinted from the sudden bright lights. My breath was ragged as I finally took in my surroundings. I had fallen asleep on the living room floor. My gaze drifted down.

There was blood pooled at my sides. A discarded razor blade at my feet. And Maddie, a mess of tears, knelt at my side. “Kris, you asshole, you scared me!” She screeched.

“What?” I asked in a raspy whisper. I lifted my arm and winced in pain. My wrists were wrapped in blood-soaked bandages.

“You wouldn’t answer your phone, so I-I came here and-” she stifled out a cry, “there was so much blood, Kris. You…you tried-”

“I didn’t.” I interrupted her, the memory of the previous night coming back to me. I couldn’t remember falling asleep. I couldn’t remember slashing my wrists. I couldn’t remember anything except seeing my mother. I looked into Maddie’s red-rimmed eyes and felt my heart catch in my throat. “I’m sorry…I don’t remember doing this…” My voice could barely rise above a whisper. She sniffled and wiped her eyes.

“You promised you’d stop,” she spoke quietly and took my hand in hers. “You promised to talk to me.” I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I had betrayed her, but I didn’t even know how, why, or when. “I didn’t call nine-one-one, I know you hate hospitals, but Kris, I can’t…I don’t…fuck.” She stifled another cry and put her head on my shoulder. “Don’t do that again…please.”

“I won’t,” I promised in a whisper and kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t…I can’t remember what happened.” She lifted a shaky hand and caressed my cheek.

“Talk to me.” Her head lifted and stared directly into my eyes. She always did this when she thought I was about to lie. I hated how much it worked.

“I don’t know, Maddie.” I brought my knees to my chest and looked at my bandaged wrists. There was so much more blood than usual. How deep did I go? “I just…I feel like I’m going fucking crazy.”

“You’ve been through a lot, Kris.” Her voice was gentle, like she was handling glass. “More than you should have. You…” she hesitated and chose her words carefully. “You’re not okay. You need to talk to someone.”

I always hated the idea of therapy. Going to some random doctor who pretended to care about my sob story never felt appealing. I figured with enough time and enough alcohol, I’d end up fine.

Obviously, I was wrong.

“Talk to me, Kris.” Maddie’s voice broke through my thoughts. I looked at her and wondered what to say to her. Do I tell her everything my mother had said to me? Every beating Darren gave me? The door?

God, I couldn’t tell her about the door. I’m already so crazy I nearly killed myself in my sleep; what would she think if I told her about the frozen door that came and went at random? Or the kitchen that redesigned itself in the blink of an eye?

I cleared my throat and spoke quietly. “I’m scared, Mads,” I admitted. “Of my mom, of Darren, of this fucking house.” I felt tears threaten to spill. Maddie’s thumb slowly rubbed my cheek. “I just…I want to stop being scared.” She brought her lips to mine and gave me a gentle, tentative kiss. When she pulled away, I watched a tear roll down her cheek.

“I’ll tell mom and dad I’m staying with Liv for Christmas. I’m not leaving you alone anymore.”

“I don’t need-”

“Stop it.” She spat with a venom I hadn’t heard from her in a while. “Stop pretending you’re fine. You’re not. Just…” she huffed and sat up. “Please, Kris. I’m scared.” I saw the terror in her eyes. I saw everything she felt, and I wanted to make sure I never saw that again.

“Okay,” I whispered with a sigh. “Okay, stay.” She managed a small, broken smile and kissed me again.

“I love you, Kris.”

I froze.

That was the first time I’d ever heard those words come off her lips. They stunned me. I felt the air grow warmer and my heart get faster. My throat was too dry to speak. Maddie gave a small laugh. “It’s okay, idiot, I know you love me.”

The rest of the day went by easily compared to the rest of the week. The house felt like a home. Maddie baked us cookies, had to stop me from picking at my bandages, and the house seemed to stay exactly as it had when we first got there.

As we munched on cookies and sipped glasses of milk, I heard her laugh echo farther than it should’ve. It bounced off walls that didn’t exist. I felt that familiar chill run up my spine. I ignored it. Maddie looked happy. I couldn’t ruin that.

As we moved to the bedroom, I glanced at the wall opposite the door. Blank. Just a wall. I only stared for a few moments. I didn’t want to freak Maddie out more than I already had.

“Mind if I wear one of your shirts?” She asked as she opened the squeaky closet door.

“Wow, I can’t believe you’re asking this time.” I mumbled under my breath.

“What the hell?” I heard Maddie mutter behind me. I turned and saw the subject of her confusion. On the other side of that door was a bedroom. A familiar bedroom. My bedroom.

Maddie’s body stiffened. I watched as she took a careful step inside.

“Kris?” She called out shakily. “What is this?”

I couldn’t answer.

I stared into the room. I knew exactly what it was. The NOFX and Dead Kennedys posters sloppily pinned to the wall, the stack of records next to the bed, the old patch-filled denim vest on the floor—this was fourteen-year-old me’s room.

“It’s my room.” I said under my breath without thought. Her eyes found me when she turned, wide and shocked.

“H-how?”

“Get out of there.” I demanded through gritted teeth. We both jumped when we heard a voice come out of the impossible room.

“Don’t you fucking walk away from me!” My mother’s voice screeched. We heard a door slam and watched my younger self pick up the vest and throw it on. Maddie took a few steps back and covered her mouth with her hand.

“That’s you,” she whispered, her voice trembling. “Kris, that’s you!” My legs moved without thought. I grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

“Mads!” I scolded her. She jerked her arm away and whipped her head back at me.

“What the fuck is this, Kris?” Her voice was shaky, and I could see the utter confusion and fear on her face.

“I don’t know,” I whispered. It seemed that was a good enough answer for her. I reached for the door handle to shut this memory away, only to find the handle was gone. The door was stuck in the wall. “Fuck.” I muttered under my breath. My eyes slowly drifted back to the impossible.

Maddie was a statue, her eyes glued to my younger self. I didn’t stop her from watching.

It wanted her to see this. Whatever the fuck the house was, it was showing her this, and it felt like I had no way of stopping it.

My younger self climbed onto the bed and tried to lift the window. That window was always a bitch to get open.

“Don’t you even think about it!” My mother’s voice leaked from the other side of the room.

“Fuck you.” My younger self spat at her, only to have my mother pull him off the bed by his hair.

“Get off him!” Maddie yelled, seemingly out of instinct. She stepped inside the room, and I immediately chased after her.

“Maddie!” Before I could get to her, she reached out and tried to smack my mother.

Her hand went right through her head. We both stopped in place. Cautiously, she reached for her again.

Straight through. Like we were trying to touch a ghost.

“Listen, you little shit,” venom spewed from my mother’s mouth, “I do not want the police around here again, so you aren’t leaving this house, you hear me?”

“We need to get out of here.” I said with a waiver in my voice. Maddie wouldn’t budge.

“Kris…” She breathed out quietly. “Is…did this happen?” I didn’t answer. I just tugged her arm and tried to pull her back to where we came from.

It was gone.

My eyes widened as a poster of Johnny Rotten stared right back at me.

“Where’s the door?” I said hurriedly. “Where—the door was right here!” I turned and saw Maddie had turned back around. I followed her gaze and found what she was stuck on; blood dripping out of my younger self’s mouth, with my mother standing over him.

“Do you fucking understand?”

“Y-yeah.” His voice was weak. My stomach turned. I could feel the pain again. I remembered the fear I felt when I saw my mother’s fist fly towards me. I heard Maddie sniffle.

“Fucking useless.” Those were the last words my mother spat before she left the room.

The room was silent. The three of us stood still, frozen in confusion and fear.

Something metal hit the floor. He fumbled with something in his shaking hands.

A razor.

“We need to go.” I suggested, knowing precisely what would happen.

No movement from Maddie.

“Don’t…” She whispered, a weak attempt to change my past.

The first slash was silent. I couldn’t bear to look at it. Yet, I felt my own wrists burn underneath my bandages. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, and when they opened, I found the door in front of me. Open. A way out. I grabbed Maddie’s hand and pulled her out of the room. The door slammed shut behind us and closed us off to the memory.

Silence. It weaved between us, filled in the gaps, and constricted around us like a snake.

I couldn’t look at her. Not after what she’s seen.

I kept my back to her, but felt her eyes burning a hole through my skull. “Was that real?” Her words felt light, broken.

“It…” I swallowed. “Yeah. It happened.”

“How did we see it?”

“I don’t know.” She took a few moments to collect her thoughts.

“Kris, why did you never tell me?” My hands balled at my sides.

“Mads—”
“Be fucking honest with me.” Her voice raised and my skin prickled. “I never asked because I didn’t want to cross a line, but Jesus, Kris, how long has this been happening?” My jaw tightened. I took a deep breath before I found an excuse.

“A long time.” I answered simply. I listened to her sigh before her fingers carefully wrapped around my arm.

“We should get out of here.” Her voice was silk now, comforting. ‘I don’t know what that was, but I don’t want anything like that happening again.” I finally turned to look at her and saw the way her eyes sparkled. It was comforting, but she couldn’t hide the fear on her face. She was like that. Reality was crumbling, and she wanted to save me first.

“There’s something wrong with this place.” I muttered under my breath. “Whatever your dad pays for this place, it isn’t enough.” A quiet giggle escaped Maddie. I felt my mouth curve into a small smile. My hand took hers, I placed a small kiss on her lips, and we headed for the door.

We entered the living room, and Maddie gasped. I just gave a half-hearted laugh.

Windows were gone. Door was gone—just the wall.

“Kris?” Maddie asked shakily. I squeezed her hand, but didn’t answer. I just laughed again.

There was a door on the wall, now. Iced over, foggy, giggling.

“Fuck you.” I mumbled as I stared at the door. Maddie shivered and shuffled closer to me.

“What the fuck is happening?”

“I wish I could tell you.” The door laughed again.

This time, I laughed back.

. . .

“Kris, what the hell is going on?” Maddie’s voice cut through the cold quiet. My eyes drifted back to hers. She looked like she was going to cry.

“I don’t know,” I whispered back. “Just…don’t touch that door.”

“Why?”

“Just don’t!” I snapped back. Maddie recoiled at my words. I couldn’t stand to see that reaction from her. I ran my hand up her arm and sighed. “I…I didn’t say anything; I thought I was going crazy. But this house is…” There was a loud, distinct creak behind us. We both turned towards the noise and she clung to me close.

“There’s a back door,” she whispered, as if the house could hear us. “We can go through the back door.” I couldn’t think of a better plan, so we both shuffled towards the kitchen. Its wooden floors were back, creakier than normal. I felt Maddie’s hands grip my arm tighter as we were met with yet another wall. “No,” she whispered. “No no no no nononono!” Her voice raised as she ran to the wall and banged on the empty space that used to be a door. “Where’d it go, where the fuck did it go?!”

“Mads-”

“Where is the fucking door, Kris?” I stared at her for a moment, my mouth was unable to open. “Kris?” Tears filled her eyes as she looked to me for some form of answer.

“This is Hell.” I mumbled. She sniffled and shook her head.

“Don’t talk like that.” Her voice shook. “We have to figure out what to do, we-”

“There’s nothing we can do!” I shouted, immediately regretting the raise in my voice. “This…this is…I don’t know what it is, but I don’t think we can leave.” Maddie scoffed.

“So, what, we just sit here and hope it lets us out?” I sighed and shrugged.

“I don’t know, Mads, I just-” A door slammed in the distance. We both jumped and shut our mouths. My eyes drifted to her, and I found her already staring at me.

Time stopped. We froze. Her eyes shifted behind me. Her breathing stopped. “Kris…” I didn’t want to turn around. I knew what it was. I knew exactly what it was. I felt it’s chill, I could see my own breath. “What’s behind that door?” Maddie asked, her voice just above a whisper.

“I don’t want to know.” I admitted, the terror in my chest becoming harder to ignore.

“I think you have to.” That same terror was strung across her words. My eyes widened slightly as I saw her expression. I whipped my head back to find we had been sealed off. There was a wall blocking us from the rest of the house. And, our only way out was the door.

“I can’t.” I whispered, mostly to myself. I didn’t know what was behind the door, why it laughed, why it wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone; but everything in me told me to stay away from it. I felt tears well up in my eyes, and I didn’t know why. My eyes drifted to the red-stained bandages on my arms. I couldn’t stand to be here anymore. I felt like a mouse in a maze with no prize at the end, running in circles over and over, from everything. Everyone. My dad, my mom, Darren, Maddie, I kept running, I couldn’t stop running—

“Kris!” Maddie’s scream snapped me out of it. I turned to find she was gone. Another wall, built between me and her. I could hear the faint sound of her small fists pounding on the impossible bricks. I just stared. My body was paralyzed with fear. My feet were glued to the ground. I didn’t know what to do.

Well, I knew. But I didn’t want to. I couldn’t.

Creak went the door behind me, the ice on its hinges cracking and shattering on the floor. My head turned, slowly, unsure. Behind the door was darkness. Black. A chill ran up my spine. I heard that laugh again. It didn’t echo, it didn’t bounce off the walls. It just…was.

Something forced my body to move. My feet moved without my effort. I felt my skin prickle with goosebumps as I stopped at the edge of the door. It was freezing in there, I could feel the chill whip against my skin. I winced as my arms burned. When my foot crossed the threshold, my chest tightened. The door slammed behind me and I jumped. I turned to only find more blackness enveloping me. “Fuck.” I breathed out. I turned back around and found the darkness moved. Shapes became more clear as I stepped forward, my heart nearly burst out of my chest. “Maddie?” No response except for a laugh.

The shapes became more familiar. Walls, windows, a couch, a TV; the room began to light up, my eyes took a moment to adjust as the TV began to blare noise. It was something I recognized. My eyes adjusted and I realized that everything was familiar—I was in my living room. The TV was blaring the opening theme to Justice League. “Oh my god…” I looked to the couch. There he was. There I was.

Six year old me, sat cross legged on the couch with a smile on his face. “Why are you showing me this?!” I screamed. “I can’t—” My voice broke. I looked back at my younger self with teary eyes. He was so oblivious. He yawned, stretched his arms and yelled. “Dad!”

“Don’t make me watch this.” I whispered to the house. It ignored me. Younger me cocked his head and yelled again.

“Dad?” He hopped off the couch. There was no response.

My body didn’t move. The house simply moved around me as he padded down the hallway. “Stop!” I protested uselessly. I tried—despite knowing it wouldn’t work—to grab at him and keep him from opening that door. My hand just went through him. I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

That’s when I really looked at where we were. The door. I knew I recognized it. This is the door. The door that’s been driving me crazy for days; it was the door to my parents bedroom. It was slightly cracked, light spilling in from the windows and out into the hallway. Younger me pushed the door open and laughed.

Laughed. That was his first reaction to seeing his father laid motionless on that bed. His socked feet hung off the edge, one arm across his chest and the other hanging off.

“I don’t want to see this,” I mumbled, my hands wiping more tears from my eyes. “Please.”

“Dad!” He called out cheerily. “Why are you sleeping?” He walked to the side of the bed and, with a smile, put his hands on the edge of the bed and got on his tiptoes to look at his father. His smile faded a little. Dad’s eyes were still open. “Dad?” His voice was meek now, his little hand came up to shake his fathers arm. “Dad? What’s wrong?” He turned to find an open pill bottle on the nightstand. Empty.

I squeezed my eyes shut and put my hands over my ears. I couldn’t stop the tears anymore. My body shook as I screamed; “Stop it! Stop it, I don’t want to be here! Let me go!”

“You were watching cartoons.” I opened my eyes. My gaze, slowly, drifted to my father. His body, stiff and unsure, sat up in the bed. I stared for a moment, before his words registered in my head.

“W-what?”

“You didn’t even come to check on me.” I looked over to find younger me, head buried in the mattress, silent cries escaping him.

“I-I’m sorry,” My words broke. “I didn’t know—”

“Two hours.” He accused. “I was dead for two hours. You didn’t look for me until you were hungry.” I wiped my face.

“Dad, please, I didn’t—”

“Kris?” Maddie’s voice echoed into the room. I opened my eyes in surprise, my father cocked his head to the left. She was here. Stood next to a crying little boy. He stared a hole through Maddie. Her eyes met his, fear was written on her face, but yet, she stepped towards me. “This…is your dad?” She asked carefully. I didn’t answer. I just watched my father’s gaze. It followed her as she made her way to me. She knelt next to me and—despite the obvious fear in her words—she grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Kris.” She said gently. I didn’t look at her. My fathers blank eyes stared at the two of us.

“She knows what you did.” He said simply. I opened my mouth to speak, but I felt her hand on my chin. She turned my head to face her. Her thumbs swiped the tears off my cheeks.

“Kris.” She said again. “How old were you?”

My mouth stayed shut. Hers didn’t. “How old were you?” She repeated.

“Six.” I said under my breath. She shook her head as I opened my mouth again. “I was six.” When I spoke, so did my father. “I should’ve known, I should’ve—”

“Stop it.” Maddie interrupted. “You. Were. Six. You couldn’t have known.”

“I could’ve walked into that room earlier,” My father and I spoke in unison again, “I could’ve stopped him, then everything would be okay, mom would be okay,” my voice waivered, “I’d be okay.”

“Kris.” Maddie said softly, her hands cupping my cheeks. “There was nothing you could’ve done.” I tried to look at my father, but she pulled my gaze back. “Don’t look at him. He’s not real. Your father is dead.”

“Because of me.”

“Because he was unwell, Kris. You couldn’t have saved him, you were a child.” I opened my mouth to speak, but she stopped me. “It wasn’t your fault, baby. None of this is your fault.” I felt a lump in my throat.

“I fucked up, Maddie.” I whispered shakily. “I fucked up with him, my mom, you—”

“Kris, I love you.” She gave a broken laugh, sniffled and put her forehead to mine. “You’ve done nothing wrong.” I sniffled and averted my gaze.

My entire life I ran. I finally wanted to stop. As I looked up into Maddie’s eyes, I found something I hadn’t felt in a long time; hope. Those green eyes were my salvation.

“I love you.” Was the only response I could muster. She gave me a half smile and we both looked over to my father.

He still sat there, his eyes vacant. Indifferent. Then, without a word, he vanished. The TV went silent in the other room, the blinds closed, darkness overtook us. The shapes of the room became abstract. I closed my eyes and felt Maddie’s hand squeeze mine again. When my eyes opened, we were back in the house. It was…normal. Just the living room.

We sat on the floor for a few moments, to really make sure we weren’t being tricked. When we felt safe, we stood. There were no words. We walked to the front door, turned the knob and saw the outside. The sun was just about to rise.

“Now what?” I asked, my voice hoarse.

“I don’t know,” Maddie admitted, “but we’re getting through it together. Promise.”

We never went back to that house. My stuff stayed there, we simply prayed no one else would go in there. We sat at that Circle K again and I listened as Maddie used all of her debate skills to convince her best friend to let me stay for a few days.

I stayed with Liv much longer than that. Two years. I became a brother until I turned 18. That’s when Maddie blew up at her father, picked me up and we eloped out of state. She became a lawyer, and I got a job as a substitute teacher. Life was good, but the nightmares never stopped.

They were occasional, until we moved to our current house. I got nightmares every night of that damn house. Maddie eventually pushed me into therapy when I was going days without sleep. My therapist tried to convince me the house was a result of psychosis, I was undiagnosed bipolar and dealing with unresolved trauma.

But I know what I saw. What I felt. There’s still scars on my arms that no amount of shitty tattoos can cover. No amount of meds can take that away.

There’s something else, though. Something that made me want to write this.

I took my nightly walk the other day, and my heart stopped along the way.

It was here. It towered over me.

The house was here. And it laughed at me.

Credit: Kyle Hazben

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