55 responses

  1. Phoenix
    September 7, 2013

    Besides a few grammatical errors and wrong words used (precipitation instead of condensation), this was pretty good. I feel like the way it was written took away a lot of the creepiness, but this pasta was still good enough to hold my attention.

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    Rating: +5 (from 13 votes)
    • Alberto N.
      September 7, 2013

      Agree with you, it kept my attention but wasn’t so creepy as to descriptions, I also thought the beginning was a bit slow and undescriptive, but it got better…

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    • phynonymous
      September 28, 2013

      Im sorry bro, but your shite use of grammar and boring writing style made this completely unreadable for me. It was like trying to read an english lit assignment written by a student who shouldve been held back. Dont let my negative criticism get you down though. Keep practicing and one day things will click for you. Quit writing like a 13-year-old-boy though.

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      • Ryan
        October 2, 2013

        should’ve*

        Just a little irony to brighten your day.

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        Rating: +22 (from 26 votes)
      • KindVonDerRitter
        December 20, 2013

        Oh, Shut up will you? I don’t see you writing a pasta anytime soon. It was rather good, aside from the grammar Nazi here.

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    • psychgirl2
      January 22, 2014

      You had potential but lost me completely by the end. The creature was boring – no detail about what it was doing out there, why was it there, how come no one had seen it before, etc.? Also – the poor grammar. For example: the creature should ‘skulk’ not sulk (it’s not a teenager), and if one is falling down a dune one is hurtling down. Hurdling down means they are jumping over hurdles as they make their way down. Somehow I don’t see that occurring. Good try though. Your use of first person was not bad. With a little more practice and polish you could have something. (Just don’t rely solely on spell check!)

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  2. The Wendigo
    September 7, 2013

    Sounds a bit like The Wendigo!

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    • Nami
      October 9, 2013

      Yes it does.

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  3. CreatureThingInTheStory
    September 7, 2013

    This was awesome.Btw,was the creature a Banshee,because that’s what I thought.

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    • Slade
      February 7, 2014

      The banshee looks like a woman with waterlogged features a torn white dress and floats in the air as it screams at you

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  4. Jhe
    September 7, 2013

    Cool man. Same as phoenix, the way it was written took away the spooky factor. I trailed off here and there, but overall, i agree that is a C+ (7.7).

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  5. TheMightyX
    September 7, 2013

    Well, I concur with the grammar statement, but I liked how this was written overall. I wound up putting some of Two Steps From Hell’s “Halloween” album on while reading this, and between creepy music and creepy story, I am now quite rattled. I love creepypastas, and I can say despite the fact that it needs a LITTLE polishing, it’s quite well done. Thank you for sharing your talent and ideas with us!

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  6. mrspatrickbateman
    September 8, 2013

    I thought he had lost the car keys? How did he find them so quickly?

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    • Alfred Frederick Dinglebottom
      September 9, 2013

      They were on the ground next to the car. Whilst he may have lost them, he was uncertain as to where he may have dropped them. Luckily he dropped them close to the vehicle.

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      Rating: +11 (from 11 votes)
  7. Méabh
    September 8, 2013

    I don’t think you guys really know too much about the banshee (bean sídhe)

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    • Jason
      September 14, 2013

      I don’t think this WAS a traditional Banshee. Wasn’t Ireland afterall…

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  8. CMT
    September 9, 2013

    A bit too long to keep the reader’s attention sharp, at some point I found myself skipping paragraphs in the hope to get to something.
    The thing, that definitely has nothing to do with a banshee, seems more awkward than creepy (especially when it fumbles with the zipper instead of even trying to rip the tent open), and some passages strain the suspension of unbelief a bit too much (The thing went past in a blur, yet Rob could see its fingers clearly? Mike lost the car keys but they were just next to the car? So they didn’t even try to find them and just resign to staying there with a monster?)

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    • mischelle
      December 5, 2013

      I agree.. it went on too long and I too skipped parts.

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    • Dr. Creepy
      February 7, 2014

      The creature fumbled with the zipper because it was much like any wild animal, it was curious. Use the full perspective of the situation

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  9. Mike
    September 10, 2013

    I honestly can’t help but think that this is a rehash of the typical slasher movie formula in written format. That formula just doesn’t work for a creepypasta which are typically short. This formula needs more time to be effective, we need time to get to know the characters and thus begin to care about them. Also the prose was weak. Also the mythology of the banshee is butchered here. Still not terrible though, just a bit cliche. A good effort.

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  10. Lee
    September 10, 2013

    Is this a space-compression pasta? I live on a 40 acre plot, and it could not accommodate a ‘huge lake’ on it’s own. Other than that, it was okay. Standard pasta.

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    • Alfred Frederick DInglebottom
      September 12, 2013

      It depends on the definition of huge. A lake that covered 4/5 acres would seem huge to me. We don’t have any lakes where I live. If you’re a Canadian then there is no way you’d think a “huge” lake would fit in forty acres.

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  11. Emma
    September 22, 2013

    just a question, uhm where was this taken place like country.. province..? just wondering

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    • Jack
      November 28, 2013

      He said they were in Florida (which is a state in the US).

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  12. Jane
    September 22, 2013

    This is another Rake tale

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  13. RetardedWalrusNarhwal
    September 24, 2013

    I’m not going to disagree with the ‘Based on a true story’, because I’m open to the supernatural/paranormal, but ‘truth’ wasn’t what I first thought.

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  14. Tessa
    September 25, 2013

    You friggin’ lost me at ‘going camping’. If you know to post onto this website you should know NOT to ever go camping with just your friends. like, EVER. XD!

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  15. Lolla
    September 30, 2013

    I tried but I just couldn’t get into this story, it didn’t suck me in and I ended up skimming through 3/4 of it.

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  16. Agent Titty
    October 1, 2013

    Damn. Those sure are alot of words.

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  17. Richard
    October 6, 2013

    Nice story, a bit too long indeed but it was worth it after all! :)

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  18. Alex
    October 6, 2013

    I thought it was really good. I haven’t read many pastas but the length didn’t bother me (I’m an avid reader) and the story was quite cool. I like my stories to involve gore and death but for one that had none it was really good. By the way, the guys holding hands was cute… :3

    8.75/10

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  19. Shaft
    October 8, 2013

    Not too shabby. A cool story and interesting take on the banshee. P.S. I hate that Im supposed to pronounce sidhe as shee. Anyway, the writing style was interesting. Sort of gritty and unrefined. I thought it hurt in some areas of prose and was beneficial in a few others. All in all I would prefer that the screws be tightened up for most of the prose. I thought the best part was the description of the guys in the tent while the thing was outside. That was really good. When I put myself in the shoes of the author, I could feel the tenseness and utter terror whether the thing would attempt to harm them or not. Very good section. Do not be discouraged by negative reviews and criticism. With your style, your gonna hear it, but with time and practice, it could be perfected. 7/10 Keep reading and writing!

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  20. Jhon
    October 9, 2013

    I cast my vote to you sir. Very creepy, considering it to be real.

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  21. Clary
    October 16, 2013

    I liked it. In fact I’m kind of freaked out now, but the only thing I could think about while I was reading this is the show Supernatural and where are Sam and Dean Winchester.

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  22. Charlie Rose
    October 17, 2013

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    • Charlie Rose
      October 17, 2013

      Wait I was wrong it is the same story :/

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  23. Jason E
    October 19, 2013

    This story was amazing. I found it very thrilling and creepy to read. It literally took me spectating the entire story.

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  24. Jacob
    October 22, 2013

    this could be the origin of the rake. lol

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  25. sunny
    October 23, 2013

    Some of the grammar was off which made it a bit awkward to read. As someone mentioned, some of the stuff was a bit unbelievable, like getting a detailed glance at the monsters hands despite you saying it was only a quick glimpse. I struggled to enjoy it, to be honest, but you can always improve and actually writing is how you improve.

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