• Crystal

    This was a really creepy creepypasta. You had excellent use of detail, imagery, metaphors, and syntax. Personally, I found my heartbeat rise near the end. Although most of my comments are positive, there were place for improvement

    When you introduced the character, you used subtle phrasing to reveal aspects of the character which is never too easy when using the first person. I think if you had introduced the character a little better, not necessarily a background story but a little depth to the character, it would have helped establish the tone.

    Also, the phrase “in no way was this ‘thing’ human” and “entity” both are really cliche and you really should try to avoid using them. It really takes away from the pasta.

    Other than that, and a few other minor grammar and usage issues, I really enjoyed this pasta and would gladfully nom on it again. 8.6/10.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +15 (from 23 votes)
    • SwifftyFTW

      dude wj=hy are u correcting this its a story!…lol but still are u siriusly going ot waste ur time typeing all that

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: -16 (from 18 votes)
      • Endoplasmic Reticulum

        Exuse me but what do you think comments are for?

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: +8 (from 12 votes)
      • Anna

        Comments are for pointing out the wrongs in a story and telling the author what was good, what went wrong, and what the reader felt basically. And he isn’t lazy to type out his thoughts in a paragraph unlike you.

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: -1 (from 1 vote)
  • CNB reviews

    It was an interesting pasta i’ll give it that. The introduction to the “entity” was way to early you should have built up suspense instead of it just appearing. The discription of the “entity” was very nice though, most times the discription is “a hellish face stared back at me” it was a good describing job. Despite the discription it just wasn’t creepy like a good “being and entities” should be. On the plus side there were very few spelling or Grammer errors. I rate 5. But keep writing you will become better soon.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -9 (from 19 votes)
    • Anon

      *description*

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +2 (from 10 votes)
      • CNB reviews

        Oh sorry about that

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: -4 (from 8 votes)
  • Derp

    Okay this was good. But something was missing; a little more creep factor, y’know what I mean?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +1 (from 7 votes)
  • lollipop_gestapo

    You described the night very well, but I got a little lost in the details. I enjoyed the ending, a lot, though.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 6 votes)
  • Xaoh20z

    The ending was sort of predictable.. but other than that i really enjoyed the story and the descriptiveness of the ‘ entity ‘ outside your window.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 4 votes)
  • THEN WHO WAS….nevermind o.O

    I personally liked this. I imagined the “thing” as you described it. Really creepy. I do, however, wonder what became of the poor character..

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 5 votes)
    • http://thed0ct0risin.wordpress.com Dr. Malpractice

      They probably had tea. A little awkward, since it has no mouth, but still possible.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +24 (from 26 votes)
      • CNB reviews

        Yes I often have tea with faceless demons. The conversations are always interesting

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: +15 (from 15 votes)
        • Faceless Demon

          We do have very interesting conversations such as my last human meal!

          VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
          Rating: 0 (from 2 votes)
  • Esper

    I felt like this story was badly written.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -15 (from 25 votes)
  • Anonymous

    So typical, so predictable. Not one goosebump. Good writing, just lacks creativity, creepiness or imagination. I miss the days where creepypastas actually scared me.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -2 (from 18 votes)
    • Anonymous

      This.

      There comes a point where you want to read something that isn’t the SAME OLD THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

      Nowadays, creepypasta seems to have stories that are separated in two ways.

      Either the story is written decently BUT it is just one giant cliche that everyone has already read a million times.

      OR

      It’s an original idea that no one has really created before BUT it is written terribly and all the emotion has been sucked out of it as a result.

      Come-on writers! There has to be something more creepy in your imaginations than a scary monster haunting your window at night during the rain. I mean SERIOUSLY?! How did that idea ever pop into your head without thinking: “Oh my god, I would never write that because it is so ridiculously unoriginal.”

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: -2 (from 8 votes)
    • Anonymous

      I didn’t like this pasta. The author got wrapped up in the details that it just didn’t seem cohesive. What does the rain have to do with the monster? Why does getting up to get food matter? What purpose does the leak serve? It seems like a lot of (very rudimentary) atmosphere for an entity that sounded like it was just thrown in.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +2 (from 4 votes)
  • Herobrine

    THEN WHO WAS THING!?

    Sorry, I just had to. But seriously, what was that thing? It reminded me slightly of Seed Eater, you know, the one with no eyes? Correct me if I’m wrong, but is that the right Creepypasta character?

    Nonetheless, a very good pasta, wonderful description, just describe the main character a little better, 8.8/10

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +1 (from 3 votes)
    • CNB reviews

      No it’s Eyeless Jack

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      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      • http://thed0ct0risin.wordpress.com Dr. Malpractice

        It doesn’t really sound much like Eyeless Jack at all, actually…I mean, other than not having eyes.

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • scarygreencat21

    was the “entity” eyeless jack

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    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Edge

    I don’t scare, like at all. But man, this was pretty great. One of my favorites of all time. I felt a tingle of fear on my back with the ending. Well done. Please keep up the good work. Wonderful pasta.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • August

    That was a great pasta, I really love the ending.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Fenjuin

    Fuck, dude.
    No one blows off the fact that their blinds are open when you remember closing them.
    Happened to me last night.
    Almost pissed my pants in the morning.
    Damn.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • J

    Well when I finished this I turned to look over my shoulder, so great job on the creep factor :)

    My critiques are few, the first one being the bit about the sky light. I didn’t understand A) why she mentioned it or B) how someone could forget something that is in their own house.

    My other thought was that this would have been even scarier if the thing at her window wasn’t an entity or a monster but just a shape, could be a man, but maybe not. You could still have referred to it like this: I never heard the thing enter my room OR I never heard IT enter my room, and it still would have been eerie.

    Having said that, the description given of the being was pretty good, if not a bit cliche, and like I said I glanced over my shoulder when I was done reading it. I would love to eat more of your pasta. 9/10

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Gabriela

    I’m really freaked out by this because right now is 3am and it’s raining and at my left there’s a glass window. I guess I’ll just put the blinds on and take off my headphones.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -3 (from 3 votes)
  • http://crappypasta.com the cake

    the protagonist is so stupid. “my blinds that are never open are now open. nothing strange about that. ill just close them.”

    “theyre open again. nothing weird about that. ill just close them and hop in bed.”

    *eyes open* “oh they’re open again and a scary monster is there. let me just look away and – its gone. ill just close the blinds again.”

    “my window’s open. there’s no way that im in any danger. i should lock it and close my blinds again.”

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  • amelia

    i think the story had a good idea to it but it looked like the story was kinda rushed. over all about a 7/10.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • http://moomoopuppy.com you just lost the man sweety

    exactly no one likes mothers…………..

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • Here is it

    The end gave me the worst shivers I’ve had for months, rated this 10/10 because I like it. =)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • http://www.fanfiction.net Derpy

    This pasta was ok. There were a few grammatical errors, and the author seemed to get too wrapped up in detail that didn’t have anything to do with the story.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -2 (from 2 votes)
  • http://creepypasta.com Phoenix

    Really nice. A few things I was unsure of but overall nice pasta. It gave me a chill down my spine! 8.5/10 May even eat it again. :)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Pinkamina

    It was okay, but was also very vague in the details that should have mattered most, but paying attention to little details, like describing the pet or skylight, are something I would do if I was hungry. Perhaps you need some tea, or a cupcake. By the way if it was CandleJack, tell him I still need those ponies and that without them he won’t be able to have any cupcakes.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -2 (from 2 votes)
  • http://creepypasta.com Lola

    Well she’s fucked

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • http://deliriletterari.blogspot.com CMT

    So the monster came into the room and… well, nothing, for sure she survived since she is narrating the story some time after that, in past tense. Guess it really just wanted to find a shelter from the rain, after all.
    This kind of things should really be in the present tense to work.
    Aside from this detail, the story is not bad, although the narrator seems weirdly slow to realize danger, but please, please, please, “its face/mouth/whatever”, not “it’s”

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Spooperscary

    I hate to be the one to say this, but ferrets do not hiss or squeak.
    They make a dook noise but that’s about it.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
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