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Diary entry 1 — 2nd of September 2012: Something is wrong. There’s just something not right recently, it’s been like this for a while now, about a month, I don’t know what it is, but I just have this feeling. Or rather, it’s not that I have a feeling, but there’s a feeling around, everywhere I go, drifting about, spreading. I sound crazy, but you know when you get that weird sensation, a kind of sense – you know something’s up – well it’s like that, but it’s somehow more sinister, and it has no intention of stopping.
People are always going on about how humanity has become so fucked up, and things aren’t the same anymore blah blah blah… Well, I think I’m starting to understand that, except it’s not just humans. Something somewhere is changing, and not for the better. I don’t think it’s anything we can stop – humans I mean – we’re so powerless and weak compared to whatever is going on. Something is shifting, and more change is afoot.
I know I should be feeling shitty right now, unhappy and not at all my usual self – my auntie died last week; we were pretty close and I was really similar to her, I did practically everything she ever did, but this is different.
Diary entry 2 — 10th of September: I don’t think I can stand the invasiveness any more; it’s dominating my thoughts and no matter how hard I try to block it, it just won’t stay out of my mind. I want everything to be back how it was, normal and familiar, now it’s cold and I don’t recognise anything, it’s all strange and I feel so unwelcome. Nowhere feels like home, as if this feeling of… foreboding maybe, is everywhere, and there’s no escaping it. Wherever I go, even when I’m in my house, in bed, tucked under the covers – the only thing which would make me feel safe as a kid – I can’t be at ease.
It’s starting to feel like someone’s watching me, not somebody bad though, which is why it’s so confusing… There is something so negative and unwholesome about the feeling it’s spreading, but I’m sure, or at least as sure as I can be of anything at the moment, that they would do nothing to hurt me. Whoever is watching me is not a bad person, troubled perhaps?
Diary entry 3 — 1st of October: Ok so I’m starting to question everything now, life, death, MY FUCKING SANITY. I can’t be in the same room as a mirror without hallucinating, and I can’t be anywhere with my back turned to anything except a solid wall, I’m seeing things all over the place, shadows, smiling faces, and I swear, people fucking drowning – IN FIRE – or some shit… It’s always in the corner of my eye, but if I turn round there’s nothing there. I keep trying to convince myself that it’s only my imagination, but come on, who am I kidding? There’s some greater force out there, something out to get me.
Diary entry 4 — 12th of October: I’ve got a different feeling now, a horrible one, a hunch, but I don’t want to even write it down just yet, I’ll do anything to avoid dwelling on the thought of it and if that means not speaking of it in any way, shape or form then that’s fine with me. You see I’ve never been a superstitious person, but as well as for the reason of not thinking about it, I’d also rather not have it on paper just in case that could somehow seal my fate – fuck, I don’t even know. I’ve also never been a particularly religious person – I guess I’d never really given it much of a thought – but I’m beginning to wish I had… A few weeks into all this I actually started praying, every bloody night and every bloody morning, begging for it to stop. Nothing’s happened though, again, I think I might know why.
Diary entry 5 — 19th of October: Ok I seriously can’t take it anymore, I can’t, I am genuinely willing to do whatever it takes to stop this, I don’t care, as long as I don’t have to hurt anyone, or at least anyone but myself. I’ve made up my mind about one thing anyway, I want this to be read by somebody at some point, when that will be I don’t know, but I’m hoping I won’t be around by that point. Oh and in that case, I might as well say what this hunch of mine is… I think that it’s something to do with my auntie; like I said, she passed away, a few months ago now. Wherever she is, I’m pretty sure she’s far from at peace, no-one really knows where we go once we die, but I hope we don’t all go where she has.
That’s the worst part though; I think it’s also something to do with me. I have a feeling I’ll end up there too, and it isn’t going to be heaven – if you get my gist. Instead, I’m pretty sure it will be that place everyone knows, I’m not going to name it, that place of shadows, evil smiles, and fire, fire that people drown and get eternally tortured in. I have a feeling that… Well before, when I said I felt I was being watched – but whoever was watching me was not bad – just troubled? I think it’s her, and that she’s trying to tell me something… trying to tell me I’m not meant to be on this earth anymore, that whatever is not right in her afterlife is something I have to see, that I am going to have to join her soon. To cut a long story short, I have to die.
I’ve seen this sort of thing in movies; it’s always heart wrenching when the hero has to sacrifice himself and die for the greater good… But when it’s you – when it’s you that has to make that sacrifice… I’m not that brave, I’m no hero, I’m normal… Yet I have been so cruelly pushed away by this world, made to feel so unwanted… and I know that I shouldn’t be here, and that as long as I continue to survive, the earth will forever be a hellish place, everything will be wrong – out of balance, and it will be me causing it out of my own selfish refusal to do something as simple as die. So, like I said, I will do anything to make it stop, and I’ve got the pills in my hand, it’s too late to turn back now – I’ve already accepted my fate.
I can only hope that this will make things right.