Let me get it out there. I am one of those nerds and geeks that spend most of their time sitting in front of their computers, watching YouTube, playing games on Steam, and reading Creepypastas. It’s a problem, I know, I don’t need you guys to judge me. Heck, you’re all probably in the same position as me. Except for one thing.
It was a late Friday night. I had no school tomorrow, so I didn’t have to worry about getting up early. I was on the internet, (big surprise) browsing through some random sites when an ad caught my eye. It was one of those popups that say you have won something. Usually, the prize is an IPhone or an IPad, but this ad was different. “Congratulations, you have won me.” Me? What does that mean? Normally I would have ignored it and moved on, but I felt drawn to this weird little ad. I clicked on it out of curiosity.
The ad opened up a new tab, showing a chat room floating on a black background, flickering every once in a while. A single message sat there, glowing in the darkness of my room. “Hello, my friend.” Without even thinking, I started to reply.
“Who are you?”
“A friend.”
“Do you have a name?”
“Anonymous.”
“That’s not a name.”
“Yes, it is. What is your name?”
“I’m not telling you my name.”
“TELL ME!”
The sudden outburst scared me a little. I should have left the chat, but something wouldn’t let me. I continued to talk to this mysterious figure.
“I’m not telling you my name.”
“I want to be your friend. I can’t be your friend if I don’t know your name.”
“I don’t even know who you are. Why do you want to be my friend so badly?”
“Because you won me.”
“How?”
“You clicked on the link. You set me free. I will find you and thank you.”
At this point, I had goosebumps all over my arms. I wanted to leave my computer, but I was stuck there, unable to move my body. My fingers were typing without my consent, sending message after message.
“You don’t know where I live.”
“I have already found you. I’m coming over for a visit.”
“Stop lying, we both know you have no idea where I am.”
“Silly child, I am already here.”
Suddenly, I felt a presence in my room. I tried to turn my head, but my body wouldn’t let me. I heard heavy footsteps behind me, getting louder and louder as they neared my desk. A cold, bony hand wrapped around my shoulder, their long nails digging into my skin. They leaned over, placing their head near mine, and whispered into my ear. “Thank you, my friend. Let me reward you for your good deeds.” I started to feel dizzy as their psychotic laughter penetrated my skull. Before I could realise what was happening, everything went black.
I woke up in a dark room with a computer providing my only light source. My head felt terrible, like something inside was hammering at my skull. I tried to get up, but my body was still stuck. My eyes slowly adjusted to the light and I started to make out what was on my screen. I could see what looked like me in my room, closing my computer and getting up from my desk. I watched as this doppelganger examined my body, pulling at my skin and brushing my hand through my hair. When it looked up to face me, I gasped in fear. My eyes were now a bright yellow with cat-like pupils. Those eyes stared back at me through the computer screen, piercing into my very soul. I tried to turn away, but my body just wouldn’t allow it. My “replacement” smiled back at me, their grin sending shivers down my spine. The screen switched back to the chat room, with one single message staring back at me.
“Goodbye, my friend.”
Years have passed since this ordeal happened. I have tried to get up and leave this godforsaken computer, but I am only able to move my arms and hands. I still have access to the internet from here, but I have been unable to contact my family or friends. The only people I talk to these days are random strangers I meet on one of the many sites I go on. Even then, I can’t seem to type out the words I need to express. My fingers won’t allow me to send a distress signal, always changing the message I try to convey. I am writing my story down, hoping someone will see this and know what to do. I’m using all of my strength to stop myself from deleting all of this. Someone or something doesn’t want me to escape. Please, if anyone sees this, send hel… Send h…
Please, be my friend.
Credit: EnZanity
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I like this but I have a lot of Xbox friends so now I’m screwed (my Xbox gamertag is Froyoluv)
ADDDD MEEEE
Maybe I’m one of them
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I liked the idea of the story and it seemed like it could be really creepy, but it felt a bit rushed. Next time you write a story, try to build up the tension and try to cast that uneasy feeling. I’ll give it a 6/10. It was a good idea, but it just moved to fast to be effective in its purpose.
Unexpected ending! 8/10
Yeah I agree
When I said introducing too much, I just thought it all happened so fast and was a little over the top
Ok, that makes more sense, I agree that it did go a bit too fast. I should have tried to slow it down a little, maybe add a little more to the conversation then just “hello, what’s your name, I’m in your house now”. Maybe I’ll rewrite it once I’m happy with my skill as a “writer”
Thank for the feedback, I really need to work on putting more detail into my stories and fix the ending, but I’m glad it was still enjoyable
Well and as you may already know, what one person sees as the perfect amount of detail may not be the right amount for someone else. In the end, if you are satisfied with what you’ve written then it’s enough. You’ve indicated in other subthreads here what you would like to change about the story. Always keep at it. I think this story lays a solid foundation for a great story. You’ll find out which way to take it as you work :)
Yeah, as the saying goes “You are you’re own worst critic”
Always tough to decide exactly when you are truly satisfied with something you created. In the back of your mind, you always look at your work and think “It could be better.”
Oh definitely. That’s precisely the reason I didn’t submit anything this most recent open submission period. Nothing I’d written since last time felt “good enough”. Everything I write I go through with a fine-toothed comb and nitpick it to death. Try to find holes in the story before anyone else can. Only for someone else to read it and say it gave them goosebumps or something. For sure, we are all our own worst critic.
Yeah, I pick out grammar mistakes in other peoples story, so I’m always repeatedly proof reading my own work to find any typos I left behind. There always seems to that one little mistake I brush over and never fix until it’s too late. I just go through my work thinking “They’ll find something wrong with it, they always do. Gotta find the little sucka first and kill it”
Sorry I took so long to reply to this!
I’ve seen a lot of otherwise good pastas lose some of their charm due to poor sentence structure, spelling/grammar mistakes, misuse of tenses, etc etc etc. So I try so so hard not to be “that writer” haha
I look forward to more stories from you, keep it up!
That’s exactly what I say to myself every time I write something. “If there is a tiny mistake, it’ll ruin my entire story” I got grammarly to try and get rid of any mistakes for me, but some still seem to slip past my eyes and the program’s eyes
Thanks so much. I have two other submissions, (one which was an entry for the haunted gaming competition) waiting to see if they get accepted or not. I think they are much better then this one, but I’ll let you decide IF they get posted on this site
I found it all a bit confusing just after the protagonists blacks out. I think I got the general idea of what was going on, but I must admit it was poorly phrased. The ending was awfully clichéd. Still though, it wasn’t terrible. I just think you introduced so much, that it overall became very casual. In my opinion it makes for a below average story. 4/10 :/
Hi! I really liked this story. Well, it didn’t really scare me, but it’s really hard to scare me, so that doesn’t count. I just wanted to ask if I could translate this pasta to my language and post it on my blog. I would, of course, credit you.
Yeah sure, just send me a link to it when you’re done. I would like to be able to link your blog in the description of my Wattpad version of this.
Just wondering if you have finished the translation yet. I would really like a link to your website so I can put it into my Wattpad story description.
Yeah, sorry, I was a little busy, so I didn’t have time, but I finished it now.
Here’s the link: http://denikdeprese.blog.cz/1606/internetovy-kamarad
Cool, I’ve linked it into my story https://www.wattpad.com/story/71024911-internet-friend
Just want to make sure I put down the right language, it’s been translated to Czech right?
Yes, you’re right, it’s Czech.
Nice story, short sweet and effective! I’ve read many of your posts in the comment section, and I’m glad to have finally had the chance to read your work.
Keep writing!
Yeah, creepypasta is the reason why I started writing, I’ve seen so many great (and maybe not so great) stories here that I wanted to try them out for myself. I want to be an active member of this great community, it’s such a great site
This is exactly the same as The space above the closet
So I looked at the creepypasta http://s22568.p321.sites.pressdns.com/the-space-above-the-closet/ and I have to admit, both that story and mine are incredibly similar. This is the first time I’ve read that one, (I only joined this year, that one was posted last year) so I was incredibly surprised by the similarities. I guess message sending creepypastas aren’t as original as I thought. I wouldn’t say exactly the same, the message sending part and ending were similar but everything else was different. Also, as you can see, their story is of a much better quality then mine (cries)
You don’t have to be too hard on urself ..I m pretty sure it takes enormous amount of practice to produce good quality work and u r just starting…..i personally thought your story simple and good (these two qualities are rarely found in a story)
Yeah, I have found out that writing something great is tough. It always looked so easy. God damn my ignorance. At least my story wasn’t that bad
I thought it was really good for your first story! You definitely have the potential to make a great story next time, keep writing! 7/10
Not bad.
but it could be better. It can always be better. You must do better EnZanity. BETTER!!! I’ve typed in better so many times it now looks like wrong to me.
I love the idea also, it was an enjoyable read! Maybe tweak the ending, try for something a bit different. Very good first pasta :)
Yeah, always hard to end a creepypasta well. Sometimes it’ll look rushed or too cliche, good ending are hard to create for beginners
8/10 i liked it.
Thank you, glad you enjoyed it
I love the idea behind this. It may be a bit predictable, but that doesn’t bother me a bit. There are a few errors and some awkward phrasing, but it is otherwise an excellent little micro pasta. It’s actually pretty similar to a prank someone played on me back in the early days of yahoo chat… so it may have given me extra chills because of personal experience.
Glad to see something from EnZanity (you’ve been hinting you had submitted a pasta and you DID IT). I’ll look for you on Wattpad… my daughter practically lives on there and I’ve been meaning to check it out anyway.
Yeah, I guess I might have tried too hard to force a “unique” writing style onto this story. Really need to work on the way I write stuff. Glad to know I might have another follower to share my “decent” stories with
For your first one, it was definitely good! There are authors on here that could be award winners, so there’s a lot to compete with lol it’s hard to find an individual writing style when there are so many styles out there. Good luck and keep writing! ☺
Sorry for taking so long to reply, but I just wanted to thank you for your kind words
Eh, no problem. I like to say what could have been fixed as well as what I liked so you feel good and improve at the same time!
Yeah, I try to do that as well when I comment on stories, but sometimes i concentrate too much on the bad stuff. Like I do with my own work
I understand, I was trying to leave a lasting affect on the reader and kinda failed
Good idea in general but something doesn’t click: he cannot ask for help but he can relay his whole story with only the need (not that hard to overcome) to delete it?
Also, why do you keep using “they” when talking about the thing in his room?
I tried to subtly say he had been slowly building the strength to write his story over the several years he’s been stuck there. Probably should have been a bit more direct with it. I used they and their because I didn’t want to give the entity a gender, make it even more mysterious. I don’t really understand the problem with using they, is it a grammar mistake or something?
“they” is used to avoid saying “he/she” in formal contest, at times, but not in narration, especially not when the narrator is a character. If you saw someone across the street in real life and couldn’t discern their gender would you say “who are they?” or rather “who is it?”?
Also, they creates confusion because at times it seems like there’s actually more than one intruder.
Oh ok, I never realised this. I’ll keep this in mind next time I’m writing something like this story. Thanks Carmelo and judgy1
It isn’t a grammar mistake so much as it is a little confusing. You could simply say that long nails dug into your skin and foul breath engulfed you without ever saying where it came from. It’s implied already. I hope that helps. That little bit caught me as strange, too.
I liked it as well.
I liked this, but it moved a little too fast. Next time, build up the terror your narrator feels. 6/10