Bill Nye the Horror Guy

June 10, 2012 at 2:05 PM
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I have been suffering from insomnia for quite a while now. No, it’s not because of Reddit. When I do sleep, I have this reoccurring dream. I suppose “reoccurring dream” is putting it lightly. Let’s call it a “reoccurring shit-your-pants party”.

During this “dream” it starts out like any normal day. I wake up, curse the sunlight as usual, and go to school. When I show up at school I realize I forgot to put on pants. I don’t give a shit, I just start singing “I’m sexy and I know it” until a teacher gives me some clothes to put on. Talk about a day in the life of HeartlessAtAFuneral. It’s when I go to class that it starts to get weird. For starters, I somehow make my way to the biology classroom. I don’t even take biology, but in the dream it doesn’t even phase me until I wake up. It’s always the same thing. “Alright class, today we will be starting a new project.”

Then the weirdest thing happens, but like I said, in the dream it all seems normal to me. The class stands up (myself included) and we all commence clapping and cheering as confetti somehow appears out of nowhere. “Today, we will be dissecting a human body.” More cheering and applauding. Then a man in a dark cloak comes out with a bunch of people on trays. Now I start to sense something wrong, even in the dream. The people are all still alive. Nevertheless, I don’t want to fail this class and have to get sodomized by the principal (like I said, I don’t question many things in this dream) so I commence the dissection. As I cut into my human, he doesn’t scream or do anything. He just looks up at me with a big happy grin on his face.

After I finish the dissection, the man in the cloak brings my human up to the front of the class for everyone to judge my work. I always seem to do a shitty job, because as he brings the tray with my human on it to the front of the class, I start to hear whispers. Then the whispers start to become more audible. After about 15 seconds, I understand what they are saying. “You’re next, you’re next, you’re next, you’re next.” their chants get louder and louder until they turn into a scream “YOU’RE NEXT! YOU’RE NEXT! YOU’RE NEXT!” They start to close in on me so I run out of the classroom. Despite all my classmates wanting me on a dissection tray, all I can think of is “shit, I forgot my pencil in the classroom”

Long story short, they catch up with me and I end up on a tray as a man in a dark cloak carries me out into a classroom full of cheering and confetti. He lays my tray down on a table and one of the classmates begins to work on me. “wait a minute. . . ” I think to myself. “I recognize that face. . . That’s the human I dissected earlier. Wait, no this can’t be! It’s me. . . ” Upon realizing this, I scream. I scream and I scream some more. I scream until my lungs are ready to burst. Then I notice something odd. I’m not screaming. I’m trying to, but my body won’t let me. All I can do is stare blankly up at myself with this big stupid grin on my face. Then, I wake up. It seems like an abrupt end, but that’s just how it ends.

Recently, some of these strange happenings that go on in the dream start to leak out into the real world. Sometimes my teacher will spin their head sharply 180 degrees and say “You’re next”, or I will notice a person sitting next to me in English class is working on their dissection of a human body. I slap myself in the face and bring myself back to reality. I’m not safe from this shit-your-pants party. Not even when I’m awake.

Credit: HeartlessAtAFuneral

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