Derpbutt Annoyance Level 10/10: Admin Update Jan 4, 2013

January 4, 2013 at 3:09 PM

As many of you are aware, I use a blogging platform called WordPress to run this site. This means that I use an externally created plugin to process certain aspects of the site. For example: the rating system and submission forms are both operated by plugins.

The author of the plugin that we use for the submission and contact forms updated it today, and after that update was applied, the forms have completely disappeared. I wasn’t warned of this, so I’m more than moderately annoyed about this development, trust me.

I’m poking around the “new and improved” control panel of this plugin, and I’m having trouble actually creating a new form or getting anything to function at all. I’ll be looking into this more over the next few days, but submissions may be down for a few days while I get this worked out. Once everything is up and running again, I’ll add time on to the submission open period to make up for this downtime.

Luckily, I have a backup of the submission queue, so you don’t have to worry about your submissions being part of the vanished data. We dodged a bullet there, though, because if I wasn’t annoyingly control-freaky and didn’t have all the submissions emailed to a special account as well as added to the queue, we would have been screwed. Like I said, really pretty frustrated about how this “upgrade” came with an unexpected total data wipe. But to reiterate for those of you who get easily confused, your submissions ARE safe, because I took an extra step to preserve them.

There are currently 950 submissions in the queue, and I do have to focus on reading those as well. I’ve mentioned this already in the comments and on twitter, but though we have a higher VOLUME of submissions than ever before, the amount of postable submissions is incredibly low. Because of this, we are only scheduled a couple days ahead, which means that I can’t abandon the submission reading process to fix the form – you guys would be without any new pastas to read if I took a break, and I feel that having daily pastas posted is the more important of the two.

All that is to say, it may be a few days before the form is up and working again. Of course, it might also be just a few hours, or I might find something else that works better and has an author that makes sure their upgrades don’t nuke all data before they make it go live. I don’t really know yet, as I’m still having my morning coffee and need to look into this mess a bit further (shh, I know it’s the afternoon, but I’m on a heavy round of antibiotics right now and they make me sleepy). I’ll keep you guys updated and will try not to rage TOO hard.

Pretend

January 4, 2013 at 12:00 PM
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Luke stepped out of the warm comfort of his best friend’s house into the cold winter air. The sun was quickly slipping beneath the horizon and the trees of the forest cast long twisted shadows across the yard. Luke said goodbye to his friend and thanked his mother for having him over, as their goodbyes drew to a close the front door swung shut, and a silence fell over Luke. He stared out across the lawn into the twilight forest that awaited him. It was only a fifteen minute walk from his friend’s house to his own, and he had made that walk countless times before, but as he watched the night descend upon the world, something sinister began to fill the shadows.

Luke knew what was coming next. It didn’t happen often, but he knew tonight it would be coming for him. There was an acute sense of dread in the air, and he could almost feel its gaze watching him from the ever lengthening shadows. Luke stepped off his friend’s porch and into the night.

Luke crossed the thirty yards from the porch to the beginning of the forest path with little incident, but as he entered the woods, he entered another realm. No longer did he live in the world of modern conveniences where a warm, bright home was only a short walk away. In its stead was a primeval existence where danger lurked in every shadow, and his only salvation was a night’s march away.

Luke had been walking for little over a minute when it began. Far in the distance standing between two trees, it was there standing motionless watching him. Its twisted figure lit by the dying rays of the sun. No sooner had Luke seen it, than it was gone, and with it vanished the last vestiges of daylight. The hunt was on.
Luke began to move faster but he had to hold himself back, knowing if he broke into a run, it would soon chase him down. This was not Luke’s first time seeing the thing, and after enough encounters he had learned the rules. He was not to run or scream or it would be angry. If it was angry, Luke received a deep gash on his arm or on his leg. Luke had been fortunate to never anger it further. Luke knew if he kept calm and walked home; the thing would not punish him. It would be terrifying but he would arrive home alive.

The first time he saw it, he had run home with his heart ready to rip itself out of his chest. He received a nasty cut down his leg for his troubles and he arrived home dirty, bloody, and trembling. He had stumbled into the house and sunk to the floor, shaking and crying. When he told his mother what had happened, she dismissed the whole thing as a product of his overactive imagination. She promised to get rid of the thorn bush that had scratched him and told him to calm down. Since then he had stopped telling his mom when he saw it, and when the thing cut him he hid it from her. Not only did his mother blame his imagination, but so did everyone else he tried to tell: His father, his brother, even his best friend blamed his overactive imagination. His father and brother had told him to stop playing pretend and act his age. Luke was alone with his twisted companion.

Luke continued onward, trying to contain his fear. Every second he fought the urge to scream and run for his life. Luke knew that at any moment it could appear. He might turn a corner and it would be in the middle of the path. He might glance to the side and see it behind the nearest tree, but no matter what he never saw it for long. Luke was not even sure what it looked like, as it never stayed in sight long enough for him to set its appearance into his memory, but although he rarely saw it, its presence never left. Whether it was noxious smells of filth and blood, ragged panting, or drooling Luke knew the thing was always close by.

The walk was stretching into an eternity for Luke. He felt as though he had left his friend’s house hours ago, and yet it seemed there were miles and miles left to walk until he was home. Luke began to pick up the pace a little, and as his step quickened, he heard a shuffling gait behind him begin to rustle the leaves. This was incredibly odd as he had never heard its footsteps before. They were close, but not so close that Luke was considering bolting. Oddly, these heavy footfalls made Luke feel better. He knew he couldn’t possibly be imagining them. He could hear leaves rustle and crunch beneath his pursuers’ feet. He could hear it physically impacting the world. Surely that couldn’t be his imagination.

Time dragged on, and Luke could hear the footsteps growing closer and closer. His already strained heart began to beat even faster. After awhile, Luke could hear the footsteps directly behind him. The thing was just waiting for Luke to turn around and look at it, but he would not succumb. He knew as soon as he stopped or looked behind him, the thing would devour him. Just as Luke was ready to give in and run for it, the footsteps stopped. Luke was so surprised he faltered, and as he slowed, he felt the thing’s breath brush along his neck. As the acrid fumes swept around him, he almost fainted, but by some miracle he was able to keep his feet. Luke gathered his senses, and kept on walking. Behind him, the thing let out a murderous shriek; as though it were angered Luke had not succumbed to its taunts.

Luke was more frightened than ever but he refused to give into the thing. Luke shoved his hands into his pockets, stared at his shoes, and picked up the pace. Luke kept on this way for several minutes, and for several minutes, all was quiet. Luke began to hope that tonight’s nightmare was over. As he raised his head to check his surroundings his eyes fell upon the feet of his pursuer. It was standing there in the middle of the path, waiting for him. Luke refused to look. He stared at its vile feet refusing to meet its demonic gaze. Its feet were sick and disfigured, with yellow cracked talons protruding from them. The largest one was curved like a raptor’s, and stained with blood. The skin was a sickly pale yellow, and covered in pockmarks and warts. The arch of the foot was inhuman and twisted almost like a coiled spring. Luke was almost sick but again he found a way to keep himself under control.

Almost as soon as Luke had taken in the thing’s sick feet, they were gone. Luke could take no more; he broke into a run. He knew the thing would be furious, but he longer cared. He just wanted the terror to end. As he ran, he heard the thing stomping behind him. Its footfalls were thunderous and it let out a bloody shriek. Luke could hear the fury in its cry, and it drove him to run ever faster. Luke could tell he was close to home. If he could hold out for thirty more seconds, he could make it out of the woods. The thing’s footfalls drew ever closer, and Luke was almost ready to give up. His legs were moving slower and slower by the second, his lungs were burning with each breath, and his face was growing cold, as though his blood were seeping out of it. Luke caught sight of the edge of the woods, and with one maniacal last burst of energy, kept going. He heard the thing closing in, its screams grew frenzied as it prepared to kill, but just as Luke began to feel the things claws sink into his shoulders, he burst beyond the tree line, and onto his own lawn.

Luke stumbled to his porch, wheezing the whole way. He dragged himself on to the steps, and collapsed, trembling as adrenaline coursed through his exhausted body. Luke lay there in silence trying to recover from his horrid experience when, from the woods, Luke heard a rabid snuffling. He raised his head, dreading what he might see. From out of the woods emerged the thing. Luke had no idea what to do. The thing always disappeared when he left the woods. The thing had broken its own rules, and Luke was too exhausted to do anything but watch it draw closer to him.

As it came closer he began to see it in ever greater detail as it stepped into his porch light. The thing was hideous beyond belief. It was disgusting and unnatural. It had one huge red eye in the middle of its face. Below it was a crooked gash of a mouth that hung open, revealing a veritable hacksaw of black and bloody teeth. It had no nose or ears and its head was covered in limp spikes. Its shoulders were uneven as one arm was gimpy and the shoulder twisted. The arm was withered and hung by the creature’s side. Its other arm was massive and had claws matching those on its feet. The claws extended down to the ground and dragged as it marched forward. Its spine was twisted, and it seemed a miracle that the thing could even walk.

Luke stared in horror as it approached. He knew he was facing his death. He was too physically and mentally exhausted to do anything but stare into the disfigured face of death, but extraordinarily as the thing drew within five feet of him it stopped. It stopped and stared at him. Luke did not know for how long they made eye contact but after awhile the thing simply turned, and ran off into the woods far faster than Luke ever thought its twisted frame could move.

Luke lay there for some time until he could muster the energy to stumble into his home. When he returned his mother’s only remark was that he was late, and he should know better than to make her worry like that. Luke numbly stumbled into his room and collapsed. He did not sleep soundly that night, nor would he for many nights to come, but he thanked God he had survived. He didn’t know what had made the thing turn back. Maybe it had some sort of twisted sense of honor that stopped it from killing a defenseless boy, or maybe it just wanted to preserve him for another night of sport. Luke didn’t know and Luke didn’t care. He was just thankful to be alive.

That same night, another young boy returned home late. He scrabbled through the dirt with his cracked and yellowed claws into the entrance of his home. As he lumbered into the dank cavern that was his home the boy’s mother demanded to know where he had been. The boy was out of breath and sweating from his earlier exertions. He could barley get out a response to his mother. He told her that he had seen the thing again. His mother told him to stop playing pretend and go to bed. He protested that he had gotten close to it this time, looked at it, and even touched it. He told her how hideous it was with its smooth pink skin, and its squashed face with its two beady eyes, but it didn’t seem dangerous. He didn’t know why it always ignored him when he tried to be friendly, and tonight, it had run away again. He felt bad, because it often cut itself on all the thorns along the path when it ran. His mother told him to shut down his overactive imagination, and stop telling her such ridiculous stories. He grumbled as he shuffled into his room and lay down in his bed of worms to go to sleep. He would get the thing to talk to him one day. He just had to keep on trying. The thing often walked through his yard at night. He would just say hi to it again in a week.

Credit To – redbullreptar
Credit Link - redbullreptar@aim.com

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Off the Beaten Path

January 4, 2013 at 12:00 AM
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Sitting at his table illuminated by a small bedside lamp, Robert Francis poured over a map jotting down notes each time his eyes fell onto some point of interest. It was 10:30PM and he reckoned that, if he set off at six in the morning, he would be able to avoid the early traffic and catch the first train to Milngavie before cycling from there, making it to Aberfoyle village in a couple of hours.

His itinerary was set and he was filled with excitement at the thought of finally being on holiday. It had been eleven months since he had so much as taken one day off from his work, so the thought of spending eight whole days cycling through the Scottish wilderness with only his backpack and tent for company, was frankly exhilarating.

He owned a number of bikes, but for this adventure, he would take his favourite and most trusted one. With a custom paint-job reading ‘ROB’ in large white letters across a frame of black, this was a bike which had never failed him; no bumps, no bruises, not so much as a punctured tyre.

In the morning Robert woke filled with excitement, starting the day with purpose. Negotiating the little traffic there was in the city with glee, before he knew it he was hopping off of the train in Milngavie and making his way along quiet country roads towards Aberfoyle.

Scottish summers are notoriously unpredictable and it was colder than Robert had expected; but he did not care. As he made his way through the open countryside, passing the occasional car or rural household, a smile crept across his face; cycling was his passion and Robert was in his element.

A couple of hours passed as the sparse yet rolling green hills soon gave way to a more imposing and altogether impressive setting. Slight hills soon became domineering mountains, pockets of woodland soon gave way to thick and visually impenetrable forests, and wide open roads soon made way for their narrower, and less trodden counterparts.

It was not long before the welcome sight of the village of Aberfoyle came into view, flanked on one side by a steep incline dotted with picturesque cottages, and on the other a wide open plain stretching out towards a mountain range in the distance. A childish excitement grew in the pit of Robert’s stomach. Aberfoyle was the last evidence of humanity which he wished to see for the next eight days, and on leaving it behind he would truly be alone, able to relax in the serene beauty of the Scottish countryside.

It was now on to Queen Elisabeth park, one of Scotland’s largest nature reserves, and into the true wilderness which it contained.

After stretching his legs on the unusually deserted Aberfoyle Main Street, Robert embarked on the last leg of his journey for the day. Within minutes he was out of that small innocuous town and into the unknown. For the past three months he had been in a quandary about where to go on his adventure, but when he passed over an old stone bridge, with a babbling stream underneath like a thousand voices whispering for attention, and found himself face to face with a forest which covered the hills, mountains, and valleys like a blanket, for as far as the eye could see; he knew he had made the right decision.

A dirt road cut through the labyrinth of trees and it occurred to Robert that as he cycled further into the reserve, the sun seemed to diminish with each mile, blocked by the huge pine trees on either side as if light itself was an unwelcome visitor.

By six o’clock the sun was dipping towards a line of craggy mountains on the horizon. It was time for Robert to find a suitable place to camp for the night. He continued onwards, struggling over uneven hills and patches of wet mud, scanning his surroundings for a suitable location to camp in. Finally, he spotted a small clearing in the forest not far from the road.

Clambering through some thick underfoot and entangled bushes, Robert managed to haul his bike through the tree line and then into the clearing. It was a small pocket of grass, and several fallen trees were spread across the area; trees which Robert assumed had created the clearing in the first place.

After finding a flat patch of grass, he set his tent up for the night, gathering some dry wood nearby which he gleefully turned into a camp fire with the aid of some lighter fluid and matches. Building fires was one of Robert’s favourite parts of camping in remote areas. He often thought that there was something of the arsonist about himself, but that was a fact he kept only for his trips into the wild, and in any case he loved nature and was always careful not to harm it.

Night fell and, unimpeded by the false light of man, the stars shone bright and bold. After a few hours of sitting next to the warm glow of the fire, Robert reluctantly turned in for the night excited by the prospect of another day’s adventure in the morning.

In the early hours the fire still smouldered and Robert felt refreshed and rested; more so than he had done for many years. Packing up his belongings and making sure the fire was extinguished, he set off once again.

It had rained slightly during the night, but thankfully the road was relatively dry. After cycling for another hour Robert noticed a change in the landscape. It had become more unkempt, less constrained. The trees seemed closer together and any occasional gaps in the forest scenery were filled by clearings and small fields which had obviously been left unattended for countless years.

Robert realised that he had travelled far enough into the forest that he was now out of the reach of even the park rangers who would normally maintain such a place. It seemed as though, beyond this point, the land had been neglected by its carers for some reason. The thought that even those familiar with that wilderness were afraid to tread there, flirted with his attention momentarily before being quickly dismissed as a flight of fancy.

The sky grew grey as the day wore on and it was clear that rain of a substantial volume was well on its way. After pushing his bike up a steep incline which he felt was too uneven to cycle on, Robert reached its peak revealing a landscape which opened up, sprawling forward between pockets of woodland and still, stagnant pools of water slumbering in a deep set valley below which stretched across the land for miles. It was populated by sparse areas of long vibrant grass, which in places gave way to the wandering boundary of the forest.

With rain imminent, Robert decided that he would set up camp early in a wide circle of grass he could see at the foot of the hill. Not half an hour later he was there, the tent was up and all that was left was to gather some firewood.

It was important to get a fire going as quickly as possible, as the Scottish midges (a type of fly which feeds on blood) were out in force and the smoke would help disperse them. The only problem was that Robert had picked a camping spot dominated more so by grass, bushes, and shrubs than trees. He would have to venture out across the valley for a little while and gather from one of the wooded areas nearby.

A collection of pine and fir trees which seemed to form an isolated island of woodland, about half a mile across, was close enough to his camp and after ten or fifteen minutes trudging through the long green grass, occasionally sinking his foot unwittingly into remnants of a marshy bog below, Robert found himself at the edge of the woods.

Its boundary was dominated by older trees which had long since withered, covered by thick brown hanging moss – nature’s own burial shroud. The broken trunks of once beautiful and majestic Pines and Sycamores littered the ground, open and rotting from the inside not unlike a poor wounded animal. It occurred to Robert that these woods seemed somehow out of place. The trees did not belong to the landscape as others did. The long grass which characterised the entire area seemed to thin out and change from a healthy natural green colour to a morbid yellow-brown. As this thought ruminated, accompanied by an increasing sense of unexplainable dread, Robert realised that he was looking at a large dead ring of grass which followed the tree line perfectly, encircling that pocket of woodland as if marking the limits of a tomb.

On their own in a forgotten part of the world, many would have been cautious of such a sight, but Robert quickly shook off his initial sense of vigilance, finding the area to be an intriguing natural occurrence, and with a bold stride stepped over the woodland threshold into the dim light within.

On the forest floor he could see many relics of past trees lying on the ground, but the wood was soaked through as if it had lay for countless years at the bottom of a river, and Robert rationalised that dead wood further into the area would be drier, as the canopy above grew increasingly thicker with each step, sheltering below from the rain.

Scanning the floor Robert looked up and suddenly realised that he had wondered quite far into the woodland interior. Indeed, while it was daylight outside, the woodland trees were now blotting the sun from the sky and if he had not known better he would have sworn it was dusk.

At last he found a collection of broken branches and logs which were dry. Robert knew this was as far as he should go as it was becoming increasingly difficult to navigate through the trees, which seemed to be growing closer together, their branches often interlinked and touching as if trying to keep those inside from escaping.

What a silly thought, Robert smirked to himself.

It had started to rain, and although he could hear the drops of water pelting off of the leaves above, his surroundings were perfectly dry. It made sense to make his way back and get a fire started as soon as possible because once everything was wet, it would prove increasingly difficult to do so.

He quickly gathered the last of the wood up into his arms, but just as he turned to leave and follow his own tracks on the pine covered floor out of those unnerving woods, something caught his eye. Several feet away, obscured by a ring of trees particularly close to one another, appeared to be a strange arrangement of stones on the ground.

Robert being Robert, he just had to investigate.

After clawing his way through a net of branches, he found himself staring at what looked suspiciously like a grave. Hundreds of uneven grey stones the size of a fist, and some substantially bigger, had been piled on top of one another about three feet wide, seven feet long, and a couple of feet off of the ground. It looked as though a mourner had marked the resting place of a body.

A shudder crept up Robert’s spine as he momentarily experienced a feeling as of being watched.

He soon abandoned this frightened state when he noticed that lying around the stones was a collection of randomly scattered belongings. Several empty beer cans lay strewn on the floor, a jumper covered in rotting leaves sat on the ground, while a sleeping bag, scraps of newspaper and even some old food cans betrayed the ‘grave’ for what it really was; someone’s camp-site.

Robert breathed a sigh of relief and surmised from his surroundings that a few students had probably come here in the summer, got caught in the rain, moving into the woods to remain dry. The stones were probably just placed there out of boredom, or even as a prank to creep out any passer by in the future.

University summers really were great, Robert thought, casting a fleeting eye back to memories of summer trips with his friends.

One thing about the stone configuration, however, intrigued him. Sticking out between two plain grey rocks on the side of the pile was a stone which appeared to be markedly different from the rest. Triangular in shape, it was wider than a human hand, smooth in places and not dissimilar to black marble, tapering off to a dull point at one end. Before he really considered it with any degree of scrutiny, Robert dropped the firewood, bent over and tugged at the stone. It felt polished and cold in his hands, but it seemed to not wish to leave its home, wedged as it was so tightly amongst the other rocks.

Growing slightly exasperated, Robert wrapped both his hands around the stone and finally, with an exerted judder backwards, it was free. Staring at it intently, it looked suspiciously like an ancient axe head. Whether it was or not, Robert was not qualified to answer, but it certainly looked like a man-made object and he could see chisel marks along its side. Perhaps the previous campers found it nearby and then used the rock in their construction without knowing of its significance. Robert was excited by the prospect and knew instantly that on his return home he would ask a friend of his, who had studied archaeology at university. whether it was what he suspected.

After examining the object for some time, Robert was reminded by the sound of rain above that he really should make his way back to his camp-site. Pocketing the stone, he bent over to pick up the firewood, but as he did so he heard a noise. It appeared as though one of the stones on the pile had slid off and landed on the ground. A creeping sense of unease slowly started to exert itself upon Robert’s nerves. He quickly picked up the firewood, leaving the rest of the stones unmoved, and began to make his way back.

With every step something deep within himself was telling Robert that he was no longer alone, and in fact that he was being followed by someone in the woods, but with every glance backwards he could see nothing. A few times he even fancied that he heard the sound of twigs and pines cracking under foot, but again no one was there.

Breathing a sigh of relief, the tree line came into view, and Robert was filled with delight knowing that in a few moments he would be back out in the open. But just before he reached the periphery of the woods, he heard a crack again. This time it was definite, it was louder than before, more pronounced, and accompanied by the hairs on the back of his neck rising in unison.

He was convinced that someone was standing just a few feet behind; staring at him.

Caught between the fear of knowing and the fear of not knowing, Robert finally turned around slowly.

Yes, there it was, he saw it! Only for a moment, but he saw it!

A shoulder or arm, something disappearing behind a tree nearby.

Robert’s mouth grew dry making it difficult to swallow, and his heart started to thud deep within his chest. He began to back pedal slowly, hoping that he would not trip on an unseen root or weed on the floor, leaving him vulnerable on the ground.

With each step the forest grew lighter, and as he neared its edge the light from outside bathed its interior in a blueish hue. He did not take his eyes off of the large sycamore trunk where that shadowy figure seemed to be hiding. Not for one moment!

It was peculiar, but an overpowering sense of safety out in the open dominated his thoughts. Normally a person feels exposed and vulnerable in the open wilderness, but not Robert, at least, not in that situation.

As he edged slowly towards the grassy plain outside, the subtle, foreboding sound of leaves rustling and swaying almost in anger progressed into a crescendo of noise. But there was no wind to gust, no breeze to disturb. There was only one conclusion to be reached; something was moving. And then he was outside. Out of the woods, away from whoever had been following – no not following – stalking him.

Robert was not a superstitious man, you could not afford to be when camping alone in such remote locations, as the mind tends to play tricks twisting the benign sounds of nature into something much more malevolent, but regardless he did not wish to stay around long enough to find out who his unwanted companion in the woods had been.

Dropping all but the sturdiest piece of wood, which Robert reckoned would make a good makeshift weapon, he ran as fast as he could towards his own camp. All the while glancing back at that strange island of trees, surrounded by dead grass.

But nothing emerged from within it.

Arriving at his tent, out of breath and agitated, Robert packed up his belongings as quickly as possible, carrying his bike up a hill and back onto the dirt path. Waiting not one moment longer, he cycled hard and fast, hoping to put as much distance between himself and that place – and its strange resident – before finding somewhere safer and more welcoming to camp.

The road was now nothing but a single track of mud which covered Robert in a shower of dirt every time his bike sloshed through an uneven depression in the ground. The weather was bitter, unusually so at that time of year and the rain, accompanied now by a freezing wind, battered his face making each foot of progress feel like a hundred. Robert tried to continue onwards for as long as he could, hoping to leave the necessity of making camp until the last usable ray of sunlight, but after a couple of hours the skies opened further and the rain came down in sheets.

He had to find shelter, and quick.

Robert concluded that he had put at least fifteen or so miles of winding, difficult track between himself and that bizarre coven of trees. Regardless of whether it felt enough or not, it was simply impossible to continue due to the elements.

On the left hand side of the path there was a rather steep drop which led down into a large field, but it would not provide the shelter Robert knew he required. To his right was a humble gradient of grass which rose up into another wood. Following his strange experience from earlier, some hesitancy did present itself to him, but he again dismissed this as preposterous and after pulling his bike up through the grass, entered the forest.

The torrential rain filtered through the tree canopy and it took a while before Robert could locate a suitable spot to camp. Finding a large bush under several tightly nit fir trees, he pitched his tent there as the area remained relatively protected from the horrible weather outside in the open.

Using some dried roots, grass, and twigs from the forest floor, he was able to start a small camp fire which allowed him to cook some food while raising his spirits. Night began to close in, and as the wind and rain diminished, the sound of sausages sizzling in a frying pan on the fire provided the first sense of well-being and comfort that he had experienced since the morning.

Thinking over his experience in those woods, Robert began to rationalise the events. He had found various belongings in there; a sleeping bag, clothes, food and beer cans. It was obvious now that he had just disturbed a fellow camper. Someone who no doubt became frightened seeing another human being wandering around their camp-site in the middle of nowhere.

That must have been it. The man, and he was reasonably sure that it was a man from the little he had seen of him, probably hid behind that tree because he was simply scared or unnerved. Robert relaxed into a sigh of relief, but just as he did so he slipped his hand into his jacket pocket. Touching its cold black surface, he had completely forgotten about the unusual stone he had picked up from that collection of oddly arranged rocks.

Removing it from his jacket pocket and observing it in the low, red light of the camp fire, Robert was certain that it had been shaped by human hands. It felt old, ancient even, but he would wait to contact his archaeologist friend before getting his hopes up too much. He would have to admit though that the idea of finding a relic from the past was something which thrilled him deeply. Since he was a child he was always obsessed by hidden or undiscovered history, which perhaps explained his fascination with exploring the Scottish countryside, a land steeped in stories and myths of strange and forgotten peoples. Above all else he hoped that it was of Pictish origin; that mysterious indigenous people who vanished without a trace over a thousand years ago. Something which historians still ponder and puzzle over.

Of course in all probability it was a modern replica, but the romantic side of Robert’s personality hoped that it was so much more, and enjoyed entertaining that hope.

As he stared at the relic, something unusual began to filter into his awareness; something different. Above the crackling sound of the fire, the now subtle wind, and the occasional rustle of a woodland animal nearby, came a noise. It was distant, how far Robert could not tell, but it echoed out through the ridges and valleys nearby, scattering through the trees in the dark.

It repeated again and again with only a moment’s pause between utterances; and it was an utterance of some description. An animal perhaps? Robert could not identify it, despite his impressive knowledge of the local wildlife, the sound possessed strange characteristics of a creature unknown to him. In some ways it was reminiscent of a bird of prey, parts high pitched and shrieking, but under this lay a painful wretched noise more akin to that of a fox crying in the night looking for its young.

That was it exactly, it sounded like it was looking for something.

For the next three hours Robert lay awake listening to the screeching noise ebb and flow as whatever was producing it moved closer, then farther away.

As he eventually drifted towards sleep, the thought occurred to him that the movement of the sound was not unlike that of a search party, yelling and shouting, looking for someone lost in the wilderness; following a distinct search pattern.

In the cold light of day the noise was gone and while Robert had accepted that what had scared him yesterday was simply a timid camper cautious of a stranger nearby, he still could not shake a feeling of impending dread deep from the pit of his stomach.

The day passed quickly, and while Robert made good progress he did not do so with the delight he had previously exhibited. Something toxic lay in his mind, just outside of his awareness, something which suffocated his spirits.

That night again he camped in a clearing, and yet again that same horrible shriek screamed out across the wilderness looking for something lost. Something precious. Shrieked with one subtle difference from the night before.

It was closer.

Sleep did not come easy once more, and Robert fancied that during the night he had heard footsteps nearby, but attributed these to the simple nocturnal wanderings of a lonely deer or stag.

While the following day remained overcast and grey, the wind and rain were gone, both a distant memory but for the occasional accumulation of water on the dirt track. Robert moved onwards, negotiating a network of paths while realising that he had strayed from his intended route at some juncture. He was confident, however, that he knew where he was and that this change would simply be a small detour and nothing more. At times he made great progress when the ground was even enough, stopping occasionally to take in a variety of deep set valleys and rising peaks. Uncharacteristically, however, he kept his distance as much as he could from the woods and forests which often accompanied the road. While dismissing it as merely his imagination, at times he felt like there was something within them, peering out from the dark, watching.

It was late afternoon and Robert was beginning to feel tired, most probably due to a restless night combined with the unrelenting pace he had set himself throughout the day. In the back of his mind he was still somehow running from something.

The path he had been on for the past couple of hours had been rather predicable for the most part but now it curved sharply around a grassy hill to reveal a change in the landscape which had been previously hidden from view. A long stretch of dirt and uneven track penetrated a thick forest of fir trees. What Robert found interesting about the path was that it was unnaturally straight, and what he found oddly frightening about it was that it was so narrow, only a couple of feet across. Spreading your arms you could touch both sides of the forest. This proximity provoked the deepest feelings of over exposure and claustrophobia. If he had been a soldier in a war-zone, Robert would have highlighted this long narrow path as a perfect place for an ambush.

Standing with his mountain bike only a few feet from the beginning of both forest and track, he felt uneasy about the current situation. It was clear that the path was the only way forward and while it appeared as though it exited the forest a few miles onward, there was something inherently dubious about it. What, Robert could not tell, but he did feel that he did not wish to traverse it.

Weighing up the pros and cons, he realised that both the way he came and the unknown land ahead provoked trepidation in him. For that reason he dismissed the sense of dread as a figment of his over-active imagination, and with measured movement, slowly set off down the long, straight track hoping to quickly pass in and out of the forest without incident.

A black cloud hovered above and as Robert negotiated the overly uneven path as quickly as he could, the feeling of foreboding which he had so nonchalantly dismissed began to ferment in his stomach, rising up through his body forcing the hairs on his arms to stand on end.

He kept his head down for the most part, occasionally glancing ahead at what he assumed was his exit in the distance. He just wanted to be through and out of that place as quickly as possible. Just over half-way down the path an unnerving yet unwelcome familiarity overtook him. A sensation which had accompanied him for days, but now seemed to be sharper, grating more profoundly on his nerves, filled Robert’s every thought; the feeling of being watched.

Stopping for a moment to catch his breath, he tried as best he could to shake the unmovable sensation that he was not alone. The path stretched out ahead and as is common amongst those who attempt to reach a goal or threshold, without thinking he looked back to measure his own progress. He had managed to cover a substantial amount of the track’s length and was quite confident that in a short time he would escape that narrow stretch of dirt.

But just as he turned to continue onwards, something caught Robert’s eye farther down the path in front of him. He immediately wished that he had not taken the route he had chosen, that he had turned back and started homeward.

It was there. Unmistakeable. Unwavering and utterly paralysing.

Some distance away in the direction he was heading stood a figure. Robert could not entirely define or make out the discrete features of the person because they were standing to the side of the path between a cluster of trees, covered in shadow, but this was certainly not his imagination.

Someone was standing there, watching and while Robert was a distance away, it felt to him as though the figure’s presence was almost on top of him; its stare accompanied by an uncommonly potent sense of… well… malice was the best way that Robert could describe it to himself.

Then it was gone, disappearing back into the forest. But the feeling of danger, of the necessity to flee did not diminish or decline, but grew in intensity. The sound of something moving between the trees rang out across the emptiness, increasing in volume as it neared.

Robert panicked, turned, and cycled as quickly as he could in the direction he had come. So eager was he to escape that narrow passage flanked on all sides by the impenetrable forest, that he did not see a deep hole in the ground. The front wheel of his bike crashed into the depression sending Robert flying over his handle bars, scraping along the ground.

Dazed for a moment, the shambling sound of broken branches and displaced leaves which was nearly upon him, quickly brought Robert’s mind into focus. Blood dripped from a wound in his leg, and his arm was badly bruised from the impact, but all he cared about was escaping from that suffocating pathway, away from whoever seemed to be moving in the woods.

Robert’s beloved paint job across the etched letters ‘ROB’ on the bike’s frame had been scratched slightly in the crash, but that did not concern him. Two spokes on the bike’s front tyre were broken and that most certainly did. The last thing Robert needed was to be completely stranded there, so he would have to ride carefully and hope that the wheel would not buckle, lasting long enough to carry him home.

Home.

That was exactly where he intended to go, as quickly as possible, and as he was now facing in the direction he had been travelling for days, there was no time like the present.

The moving sound in the trees continued and as Robert carefully, yet at pace, negotiated the broken ground, he hoped above all else that his trusted mountain bike would get him out of there. Despite his obvious advantage of speed, the sound seemed to be only moments behind and as he came closer to the end of the forest path and out into into the open, he heard a noise which chilled him to his very core.

From within the forest spewed that same, shrieking, tortured cry from the nights before, echoing out, piercing Robert’s ears and scratching through his nerves like a shredder.

Was it that figure who had been wandering near Robert’s camp at night?

Surely no human could make such a sound!

Panicking, he increased his speed as the front tyre of his bike wobbled and creaked under the pressure and strain. Finally he was out of that narrow place, but Robert did not stop, cycling for hours without once looking back. Only when sure that his pursuer could not have followed did he stop to rest.

Night was once again drawing in and now every sound, every smell, every part of what had always made the countryside fascinatingly inviting to him took on a new, ominous, and menacing form. He decided that tonight he would not set up camp; no fire, no tent. Robert was sure that the person following him had been able to do so because of the noise and light which he had made from night to night.

It would not be pleasant. It would be cold, wet and uncomfortable, but Robert wanted to make sure that he could not be tracked. There were various paths and dirt-tracks in the area that he could have taken, but hopefully this man who was stalking him, for whatever reason he was doing it, would not be able to find him.

Robert knew of course that his tyre tracks could easily betray his location if his pursuer was smart enough to follow them. The bike marks were obvious. For this reason Robert backtracked slightly off the path in an attempt to confuse anyone following, should the need arise. The worst thing he could do would be to sleep next to where his tracks ended. Finding a large bush with space underneath to sleep (which was satisfactorily far enough from where his tread marks ended) Robert hid himself and his bike for the night with one question on his mind: If this stalker was able to keep up with his progress each day, he must have been using a bike or vehicle of some description, but where were the tyre tracks?

Sleep did not come at all that night, but around three in the morning that wailing inhuman noise did. Moving around the area, searching.

By now Robert was beginning to suffer from lack of sleep and rest, but in spite of this, at the first sign of daylight, he quickly uncovered his bike from its hiding place and started on his way once again.

Not one foul noise was heard that day, nor any evidence that his stalker was anywhere nearby. Rationality began to overtake Robert’s fear as night once again settled in. He covered much ground throughout the day and had managed to take care as best he could of his bike’s front wheel, which bar the occasional creak or groan was performing admirably.

Robert concluded after much soul searching that he had allowed himself to get carried away by the isolation of his surroundings and the, admittedly, unnerving person he had seen in the forest over the past few days. But surely it was preposterous to believe that he was really being followed? Perhaps the individual he had seen was not the same from that strange island of trees? It would make more sense that it was in fact just another camper. Maybe there were a few of them and that explained the noises, and as for the unfamiliar animal screeching at night, it must just be a species of bird in the area which he had never heard before. That night, Robert would set a camp fire. He would cook his food, eat well, and enjoy the solitary countryside as he had intended to for such a long time since planning his holiday!

After locating a suitable spot in the forest, this is exactly what he did. He cooked on a roaring camp fire and sat for hours gazing at the night sky through the branches of the trees above. There were no noises, no strange shrieks, no shambling footsteps in the darkness; nothing. Confident that his unwelcome travelling companion had been left far behind, Robert retired to his tent exhausted, in much need of a well earned rest.

Two paltry hours of sleep later, however, Robert woke to the sound of something stirring outside of his tent. He had left the camp fire burning as he was uncomfortable in spending another night in darkness, and its flames seemed to dance, shifting and changing shape in the night air, casting shadows all around onto the thin canvas of Robert’s tent like a naturally occurring cinema screen.

Casting one shadow in-particular; the shadow of someone sitting by the fire.

Robert froze, his mouth went dry and his breathing became shallow and anxious. He could not believe that he had been so stupid to persuade himself that no one was following him. In lighting another fire he had led them directly to where he slept and now they had the upper hand. God knew what they wanted!

After a moment of utter terror, Robert realised that he needed to defend himself. Sitting up slowly and pulling his sleeping bag off and out from under him as quietly as possible, he scanned the tent looking for something he could cannibalise as a weapon, but anything of any weight was in his backpack (a metallic torch, the wood he had taken days earlier, a glass bottle etc.) and he had stupidly left that outside of the tent! He cursed himself for being so reckless, and could scarcely believe that he had left his bag outside when he always kept it inside, away from rain and wild animals. Exhaustion was the only explanation, but that did not help his current circumstances at all.

Then he remembered, the old axe head; the black rock he had found at the strangers’ camp! Indeed, if it was a hand axe as he suspected, Robert reckoned it could still deal a nasty, perhaps even fatal blow.

Running his fingers along its once sharp ridges, Robert composed himself, never for a second taking his eyes from the shadow projected by the fire onto the tent wall. The door to the tent was luckily unzipped, but the two flaps from the outer flysheet were draped over the entrance, obscuring his view.

With one eye, he peeked through the slit between the two flaps of canvas, slowly. There it was. Someone sitting at the camp fire. By his build, Robert was certain it was a man. The back-light of the camp fire made it difficult to decipher any of his features, but the shoulders were broad, strong, and it was clear that this man had been in the wilderness for some time, as it appeared that he was wearing rags of cloth which hung loosely around him. His head was covered in long strands of black, wet hair which had clumped together in places, presumably because it had not been washed for some time.

Staring at the back of the man’s head, Robert tried as best he could to subdue his fear. He thought that he could conceivably sneak up behind him and knock him out with a blow to the back of the head with the black stone, but that could be murder! And Robert did not even know if the man was violent, perhaps he was a nomadic type, a gypsy, a traveller? Yes! Maybe it was best to wait, maybe he would just wander off into the woods, although that seemed unlikely.

Just as Robert affirmed to himself that if the man made a move towards the tent he would rush out into the open and fight him head on, he noticed something. Something was odd about the way the man was sitting. First of all, he was sitting still. So still that you would be forgiven for mistaking him for a statue. Not the slightest movement was made, nor was there any indication of life at all. No subtle shifting of weight, no rising and falling of breath. Nothing.

While this stillness was unnerving, it was Robert’s second observation which bothered him the most. The man was sitting forward, facing the fire, but the shape and position of his upper body and head was somehow… off. They did not seem to quite add up, his frame seemed unnaturally positioned.

A crackle from the fire followed by a wayward flicker of light revealed the truth. The flames lit up the area momentarily; the light bouncing from tree to tree, even onto Robert’s tent and reflected back onto what surrounded it.

Two pin points of light momentarily shone in the night through black clumps of matted hair. Yes the man’s legs were facing the fire, but his body and head were horribly contorted, twisted into an inhuman posture. The man’s legs were indeed facing the fire, but his head and body were facing the Robert.

This was no man at all.

How long it had sat there staring at Robert in that tent, waiting, he did not know, but a creak of movement from its neck was enough to send Robert out of the tent, into the woods, consumed by a terror so profound that it could be likened to madness.

He did not know how long he had been running, nor if he had been screaming the whole time, but his feet were cut in several places and the first rays of sunshine were peeking out through the still thick branches of the forest.

In the distance Robert could see the flame from his camp fire still burning bright, and despite his terror at the knowledge of being stalked by something entirely inhuman. He had to get to his bike to stand any chance of escape. For a while he hid behind trees, under bushes, his nerves absolutely shattered, refusing to go near that fire. His perceptions were broken, but Robert was a strong character, and after a time a modicum of composure returned to him

Step by cautious step, he neared his own camp. There was no sight of whatever had been sitting at that fire staring at him. By now, daylight illuminated the entire area and after much self bargaining, Robert decided to reclaim his belongings, grab his bike, and continue as quickly as he could on his way out of Queen Elizabeth Park.

Everything seemed to be accounted for and Robert even allowed himself a smirk at the thought of that creature ‘at least not being a thief’. That smile soon vanished at the sight of his bike. Unharmed, yes, but strands of some black putrid liquid covered the seat and front wheel.

This was not the time to be concerned with sludge on his bike, it was still working and that was all that mattered. Had it been a week earlier Robert would have been angry about the slightest scratch to his beloved mountain bike, but now he just cared about it getting him home, or at least back to Aberfoyle village, to civilisation. After cleaning the liquid off and packing up his tent, Robert once more continued onwards as fast as he could.

Robert reckoned, with a hard push, that he could be out of that horrid place in a day and a half, as long as he took minimal rests and cycled for the duration of available light. The weather was not exactly ideal, but while rain occasionally came, it quickly disappeared leaving long stretches of the journey clear from the wearing effects of the elements.

As the day progressed so did Robert’s unease. He felt oppressed on all sides, as if he was running from something terrible, yet nearing an undefined danger. A horrible realisation bubbled up from his subconscious: What if that thing followed him all the way home? As this thought swirled around in his mind, he passed over the crest of a hill and down again, suddenly realising what was wrong and why he was feeling so much unease about what lay ahead.

A gulf in the land opened up before him. Pockets of stagnant water lay strewn between stretches of marshland and long grass, and in the centre there it lay, that horrible island of wretchedness. It was the woods where Robert had first seen his pursuer, and then in a flash it all made perfect sense.

Call it superstition. Call it blind stupidity. Whatever you would call it, Robert knew that he did not wish to see that twisted man again. As a child he had been told ghost stories of people disturbing graves, and the ghosts of dead rising up to haunt the living, but he never took much stock in such things. Not until now. What he did know, was that he had inadvertently triggered the whole, terrifying ordeal.

He took something which did not belong to him.

After hiding his bike in the long grass, Robert trudged towards that isolated pocket of woodland where what he now knew to be a grave lay, minus one oddly shaped black stone. He half expected for that thing to be sitting next to its resting place, but while there were a number of strange noises and movements between the trees, there was no sign of Robert’s unwelcome guest.

He assumed it was still out there looking for him.

Finally, he found the grave, that elongated pattern of stacked rocks and stones. After locating the gap where he had torn the black stone from, Robert wedged it back in as hard as he could.

A noise echoed from the other side of the woods and Robert did not wish to hang around to find out what it was. Running as fast as he could over roots, mud, leaves, and fallen branches, he jumped out of that dark place into the open outdoors, filled with a sense of accomplishment and utter relief.

It was not long before he was back on the dirt path, moving forward on his bike in search of one more place to sleep for the night, then home the next day.

A weight had been lifted from Robert’s shoulders. He knew he had unwittingly disturbed something unimaginable, unfathomable, but by returning that which he had taken, he had narrowly escaped what he assumed would have been a terrible fate; death, or perhaps worse. There was no explanation of this feeling of elation and survival; he just knew deep down that he had righted his wrong.

That night Robert lay in his tent. It was dark,as he had decided against a camp fire, just to be on the safe side. He was confident that he would be left alone, however, and took great comfort in knowing that he was safe, while looking forward to the next day and the comfort of home. That was a funny thought. A man who had always adored the countryside, detesting the humdrum of daily city life, looking forward to a couch, a television, a beer, and a warm bed.

Next year he would holiday at a sunny resort, lie on a beach for a couple of weeks, one preferably far removed from his homeland!

Robert closed his eyes with a smile on his face.

The noise which he had heard outside for so many nights suddenly screeched at a blood curdling and overpowering volume. Without having to open his eyes, Robert knew. The sound did not come from the woods, it came from inside the tent.

Robert Francis was never seen or heard from again.

Scotland is old. It has an ancient and hidden history of peoples and places long forgotten, but perhaps some trace remains, isolated and alone in the bitter wilderness. So should you ever wish to wander the hills, forests, or lochs of this old country, bear one thing in mind: If you find a collection of stones heaped together not unlike a grave, and they are surrounded by trinkets of modernity – a sleeping bag, food cans, or perhaps even an old bike with the name ‘ROB’ etched into it – walk on, do not look back, do not touch anything whether it is an unusual black stone, or a simple piece of forest wood.

Above all else, most certainly never take a souvenir, for those who lie in slumber nearby may just take one from you.

Credit To – Michael Whitehouse

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