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The Swamp



Estimated reading time — 4 minutes

It has been exactly a year now since the incident happened… The day that my younger brother, John was killed. I have tried and tried to forget about what happened but it is still burned in my mind. So I know this is rather a cliché but I am recording this and putting it online in hopes that sharing what happened for all to hear will bring me solace.

My brother and I had a very strong bond, beyond what most siblings have because of our isolation from civilization in southern Louisiana. We were raised by our mother who not only assumed the additional position of a father but as our teacher due to the distance from the nearest school, we were forced to be home-schooled. Our father disappeared when we were very young; he left one day and never returned, our mom says he left her for a younger woman but I am pretty sure, now, that that isn’t true.

Last year today, on my brother’s 17th birthday, we decided to take the canoe out through the swamp in hopes of finding an Alligator that we could shoot. John and I always loved hunting Alligators, it is so fulfilling to bag a big gator and get to feed the family. Well, I have wondered off topic; so we were out on the canoe, rowing around. The cold, salty sea air met the hot, humid swamp air, creating a very interesting atmosphere. We had already in past adventures scouted a 3-mile radius around the house but we were determined to reach farther than ever.

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Rowing in a canoe isn’t the fastest means of transportation but it works; we had gotten very good at swerving around the protruding stumps, trees, and the occasional rock that poked out of the murky, green water. The sudden rush of water knocked us out of our trance; it was an alligator! The time we had been waiting for was right there! My brother rowed closer as I grabbed my 45. revolver. The alligator wasn’t affected by us, it continued to swim north. The sun was setting as my brother gazed out towards the sea; his voice trailed off. I looked to see what he was looking at and almost couldn’t believe what I saw! Standing on a small island were two people, who appeared to be blankly staring at us-mouths agape. And in between them was a glowing object that neither of us could make out what it was. “Hey!” I yelled to the two men. Strangely there was no response, they didn’t even move, blink, shift, or anything! “Let’s get out of here.” I said to John but he didn’t reply. The canoe was drifting and the only change by the people on the island was their heads gradually turning to keep their blank stares on us. “Hey, let’s go!” I spoke up. He stared blankly back at the small island. “John!” I yelled but again, no response.

I was about to start paddling but john unexpectedly leaped out of the canoe and into the murky water. “What are you doing?” I asked him as he swam, then walked, to the island. Before he was out of the water, however, I noticed something. It appeared to be black hair emerging from the sea which was followed by the top of a head, then what I was expecting to be a person but that’s where I went wrong… Walking out of the ocean was something I had never seen before; it was tall- probably seven or eight feet, it had long black hair, its black eyes looked foggy due to what was most likely a film over them. They slanted down its face at an angle. Its face was narrow and sharp like it had been starved. This absolutely terrified me! What are you supposed to do when you see something like that? Anyways! The creature walked up the island and the two people shot one last look at me; this one was different, though- I saw tears and absolute fear suppressed by their blank stares, it was like their human instinct were trying to prevail over whatever trance they were in but that was to no avail, the creature grabbed both the men, one in each arm and turned around, returning to the ocean. I saw bubbles emerging for a little bit when their heads became submerged.

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Now I am sure you don’t believe me, but I saw what I saw! If someone had told me this story, I wouldn’t have believed them either. I yelled to John; “we need to get out of here, now!” and his response is still unforgettable… His head slowly turned around as he gave me a blank stare then turned back and approached the glowing object which flashed a red color then returned to its white shine. “John!” I cried but he just stared at me… I fled, I went home and told my mom all about it but she didn’t believe me, she kept telling me to tell her the truth about what happened but it was and still IS the truth… you have to believe me…

After insisting it as the truth, she finally gave in and left to go find the elusive glowing item on the island, she never returned… I have been living by myself for the past year, I just wanted to get the story out.

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I am starting to worry, however, I think the light is getting closer because at night if I look just at the right angle, through the trees I can see what appears to be a faint light. I am tired of living in fear, I am going to submit this now, go check out the light, then I’ll update this when I know the truth, goodbye for now.

Credit: CreepyQuantum

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11 thoughts on “The Swamp”

  1. I have noticed quite a bit of editing was added, and I did see some improvements. The problem is, I still see some grammatical errors. And the story has a rushed feeling to it. While I was trying to process and comprehend what was happening, another thing happened and I felt a bit overwhelmed. I couldn’t see a connection to the events that led to the climax; it felt like to me that you were focusing more on the “creepy” element and less on the “logic” part. Because of this, The Swamp feels rushed and unfinished, lacking explanation and full of plot-holes. If you improve your grammar a bit and put in more logic and sense, this could be a generally good story. Keep writing and practicing.

  2. I agree with the others below. This seemed like you were rushing to try to tell a scary story, but didn’t proofread for punctuation and sentence structure. The funniest part is that John walks to the island, where the other people are, but the creature only eats the two that were already there. And then “Oh yeah, my mom also died.”

  3. Ok the story was OK but if you are going to do a story about South Louisiana get your facts straight. First off if they were from this small town like you say I’m pretty sure they would be in a pirogue not a canoe. Also there is no ocean/sea any where near south Louisiana it’s the Gulf of Mexico.

  4. Mohd Ariff Mohd Rasidi

    The storytelling is lacking, but has good potential.

    The creature’s description is well told, it is quite scary when I imagined the thing.

    Overall, can be much improved, keep it up! 5/10.

  5. Honestly this story starts out strong, but begins to fall apart after the second paragraph.

    “Last year today, on my brother’s 17th birthday, we decided to take the canoe out through the swamp in hopes of finding an Alligator (shouldn’t be capitalized) that we could shoot. John and I always loved hunting Alligators (again, shouldn’t be capitalized), it is (tense changed, should be “was”) so fulfilling to bag a big gator and get (awkward phrasing) to feed the family. Well, I have wondered (should be “wandered”) off topic; so we were out on the canoe, rowing around. The cold, salty sea air met the hot, humid swamp air, creating a very interesting atmosphere. We had already in past adventures scouted a 3-mile radius around the house but we were determined to reach farther than ever.”

    “Rowing in a canoe isn’t the fastest means of transportation but it works; we had gotten very good at swerving around the protruding stumps, trees, and the occasional rock that poked out of the murky, green water. The sudden rush of water knocked us out of our trance; it was an alligator! The time we had been waiting for was right there! My brother rowed closer as I grabbed my 45. revolver. The alligator wasn’t affected by us, it continued to swim north. The sun was setting as my brother gazed out towards the sea; his voice trailed off (His voice trailed off from what? He wasn’t saying anything!). I looked to see what he was looking at and almost couldn’t believe what I saw! Standing on a small island were two people, who appeared to be blankly staring at us-mouths agape. And in between them was a glowing object that neither of us could make out what it was. “Hey!” I yelled to the two men. Strangely there was no response, they didn’t even move, blink, shift, or anything! “Let’s get out of here.” I said to John but he didn’t reply. The canoe was drifting and the only change by the people on the island was their heads gradually turning to keep their blank stares on us. “Hey, let’s go!” I spoke up. He stared blankly back at the small island. “John!” I yelled but again, no response.”

    This paragraph should be broken up into smaller paragraphs, and it’s awkwardly written. You have the brother’s voice trailing off when he wasn’t saying anything, and the alligator isn’t really furthering the story, might as well remove it and just have them see the island since that’s the important part. Focus on that!

    “I was about to start paddling but john unexpectedly leaped out of the canoe and into the murky water. “What are you doing?” I asked him as he swam, then walked, to the island. Before he was out of the water, however, I noticed something. It appeared to be black hair emerging from the sea which was followed by the top of a head, then what I was expecting to be a person but that’s where I went wrong… Walking out of the ocean was something I had never seen before; it was tall- probably seven or eight feet, it had long black hair, its black eyes looked foggy due to what was most likely a film over them. They slanted down its face at an angle. Its face was narrow and sharp like it had been starved. This absolutely terrified me! What are you supposed to do when you see something like that? Anyways! The creature walked up the island and the two people shot one last look at me; this one was different, though- I saw tears and absolute fear suppressed by their blank stares, it was like their human instinct were trying to prevail over whatever trance they were in but that was to no avail, the creature grabbed both the men, one in each arm and turned around, returning to the ocean. I saw bubbles emerging for a little bit when their heads became submerged.”

    So…John “walked” out to the island (in the ocean??) and then what happened to him? The creature appeared (which needs more descriptive work, it’s not scary at all), and grabbed the two men while John – stood there? You forgot to include him in the action! Also, for some reason you neglected to use any apostrophes in this paragraph.

    “Now I am sure you don’t believe me, but I saw what I saw! If someone had told me this story, I wouldn’t have believed them either. I yelled to John; “we need to get out of here, now!” and his response is still unforgettable… His head slowly turned around as he gave me a blank stare then turned back and approached the glowing object which flashed a red color then returned to its white shine. “John!” I cried but he just stared at me… I fled, I went home and told my mom all about it but she didn’t believe me, she kept telling me to tell her the truth about what happened but it was and still IS the truth… you have to believe me…”

    Oh, so now John’s back in the story, but all he does is look at the shiny “thing”…why include it if you’re not going to describe it? Are they Sims? What purpose does it serve to the story? I’m not seeing any reason for it to be there as it’s written, that needs work, too. Also, break off the end of that paragraph and have all the “at home” parts together in one paragraph.

    “After insisting it as the truth, she finally gave in and left to go find the elusive glowing item on the island, she never returned… I have been living by myself for the past year, I just wanted to get the story out.”

    Yeah, this needs work, too. Mom disappeared, an apparent victim of the glowing “object” and “creature” and it’s barely mentioned?

    “I am starting to worry, however, I think the light is getting closer because at night if I look just at the right angle, through the trees I can see what appears to be a faint light. I am tired of living in fear, I am going to submit this now, go check out the light, then I’ll update this when I know the truth, goodbye for now.”

    The ending is soft, and needs work too. It’s supposed to be the thrilling conclusion to your story, but it’s not thrilling, and it’s not really a conclusion. It’s a cop out. It’s lazy. And it’s cliche.

  6. Interesting. I would recommend having your story peer-reviewed for sentence structure and grammar, as well as redevelopment in the conclusion. It seemed strange to me that you mentioned the main character’s brother had died in the beginning yet made no mention of the mother’s disappearance until the end, and this feels like lazy writing rather than a ploy-twist.

    Continue to develop this story, it has an interesting theme.

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