Estimated reading time — 10 minutes
The following entries were retrieved from an anonymous blog dedicated to helping people through the grieving process.
August 2nd 2004,
My girlfriend died yesterday. I guess I’m writing here because nothing else has helped so far. I’m not sure this is going to help either but everyone keeps telling me that if you write down your problems it can make things easier.
August 3rd 2004,
I really appreciate the overwhelming responses to yesterdays post, and I’d like to tell you guys a bit more about her. Her name was Emily. Emily was authentic, funny, over the top, and perfect. She was a tree-hugging hippie who once backhanded me for not recycling a milk jug. Her lipstick was the strangest shade between red and purple that I have ever seen. I’m going to miss seeing that color imprinted on the edge of a wine glass, or smeared across a napkin on the table. One of my favorite things about her was that she hated to cook, because I love cooking by myself. Our signature move was watching animal planet together while she lounged on the couch and I worked in the kitchen. Although I’d only gotten the chance to spend a few months with her, I’m going to miss her like hell now that she’s gone.
October 15th 2004,
Again I would like to thank all of you who commented or private messaged your condolences after the post on the 3rd. I would have posted sooner but I have had to deal with quite a few things lately. I’d never met her family before the funeral so talking to them was incredibly awkward. All they really did was ask me about the fire and I told them what they already knew. For those who are curious she was asleep in her bedroom and forgot to blow out the candle on her nightstand. The flame spread from the candle to her lampshade before devouring the rest of the room. We buried an empty wooden box in ceremony. I think she would have hated it. She probably would have preferred we saved a tree, and just buried a biodegradable picture of her or something.
Thankfully the doc prescribed something to help me sleep because I’ve been having trouble with it lately. I hope it helps because I’ve been so tired the last few days that I keep forgetting where I left things and dozing off. I’m actually about to try it right now, wish me luck.
October 24th 2004,
Some people who claimed to be Emily’s friends stopped by my house tonight. I’m pretty sure they were drug addicts, because all three of them were pale as snow and they had that disconnected look in their eyes. The girl who was with them didn’t say a word. She just stood behind the other two, with the corners of her mouth pulled up like she was trying to smile. Her eyes were what showed me she wasn’t actually happy. Instead of getting a crinkle around them they were pulled from the top and bottom lid so that it looked like tape was holding them open. The coloring in her eyes was nonexistent, even under the light on my porch they had dilated to the point that whatever color used to be there was no longer visible. Definitely drug addicts. I had no idea what they wanted, and when I asked them why they were here they became distant and confused like they were trying to remember.
When the man on the left did remember he spoke so softly I had to ask him to speak up several times before I could hear him. He said they were looking for Emily, and their facial expressions didn’t change in the slightest when I told them about the fire. The man on the right began to insist, and I cut him off saying that she was dead. I was about to shut the door, when the man on the left slowly tilted his head until his ear was listening to his shoulder. He cracked a smiled and said “Yes.” Then they turned and left.
I hurried upstairs to look out of my bedroom window in hopes of getting a plate number. I didn’t see a car or hear one start, and there was no other sign of them. The only reason I believe they even knew her is because they all dressed in those ugly natural materials that I used to find flattering on Emily. I called some of her friends that I still talk to occasionally to see if they knew who they were, and they had no clue either.
In other news the sleep medication is working well and I have been sleeping like a rock. Well maybe a rock that sleepwalks, because I have had to turn off the TV downstairs every morning when I wake up. No worries though, the doc said it isn’t that uncommon and it should pass once I get used to the medicine.
December 3rd 2004,
Today I was cleaning the living room and I found one of her reddish purple lipstick stained napkins under the sofa. I broke down when I saw it, I must have missed one when I picked up the rest and threw them away.
Other than that I have been doing really well lately and I think that the grieving process is over for the most part; the only thing that will help now is time. I’m grateful for all of the friends I have made on this blog and all of you have been really helpful.
Also don’t worry; the odd people who stopped by have not been back. I called a few of Emily’s other friends and they informed me that she had a bit of a colorful past and that she rarely discussed it with anyone. The same friend told me that before she died she had been spending less and less time with her usual friend group. Apparently, they occasionally saw her with people who fit the description of the trio who were on my porch that night. I hate to tarnish her memory by thinking of what kind of trouble she was getting into before she passed.
December 16th 2004,
All of you will be pleased to hear that I have started to get out and meet new people again. I have been going to single events and I even joined a couple of dating sites. I think I’ll wait to mention Emily until the second or third date and see how they take it. I have already met a few girls who I have a lot in common with and we’ll see how it goes.
February 5th 2005,
Well I am doing absolutely awful in the female department. I’m really trying to figure out what is going wrong. I’ll meet someone and we’ll have a great time. Then I’ll talk to her on and off for a week or so, after that its absolute radio silence from her end. No more calls or emails like I disappeared from the face of the earth.
I actually saw Lacey again, one of the girls who stopped talking to me after our second date. When I asked her what was going on she folded her arms and got really anxious. She kept her sentences short and her eyes were darting around the coffee shop like she suspected we would be under attack any minute. She became so uncomfortable that it made me uncomfortable and I dropped the subject and left. I’d understand if I had told her about Emily, but I hadn’t even brought it up yet. I suppose I expected too much from a dating site.
April 29th 2005,
Well guys I finally met a girl who didn’t shun me after the first or second date! Her name is Molly and she completely understands my situation because she lost her boyfriend when she was twenty-one. Its still super early to tell but I think there is potential here.
I’m still sleepwalking but the doc just prescribed me different sleeping pills so we’ll see how that goes. He was mad I didn’t tell him sooner that it was still happening, but he knows I have a lot going on.
May 26th 2005,
I can’t believe I have already known Molly for a month. I never thought that I would actually enjoy this summer but I’m really looking forward to it. Molly has a lake house up in northern Michigan in a place called Four Lakes, and she says it’s absolutely gorgeous. It’s her favorite place on earth, and I hope she invites me to spend a weekend up there sometime before the fall. I’m almost completely over my bout of insomnia and I only have to take the new sleeping pills once or twice a week.
July 25th 2005,
After an amazing few months with Molly I am afraid that things may be over between us. We have been great all summer and she even started to show me pictures of her lake house and hinted that she might invite me. Then the weirdness I experienced with my first few dates kicked in. I called her around five because we were supposed to have dinner but she said she was leaving for her cabin tonight. She sounded scared, like something might be up but she didn’t want to talk about it. A random road trip isn’t completely out of character for her. She did sound scared though, and it hurts that she didn’t feel like she could talk to me about whatever was going on.
July 28th 2005,
To update you guys on the situation with Molly she still hasn’t called or talked to me at all since she left for her place in Four Lakes. I’ve had to take the sleeping pills every night since she left, and I think that they may be screwing with my head. I could have sworn I heard footsteps coming from downstairs last night and when I went down there the fridge was left open and the TV was on with the volume all the way up. I still don’t know how I didn’t hear it from upstairs but I’ll be asking my doctor for new medication. That experience was more than enough for me to believe in side effects.
August 1st 2005,
Molly just called to invite me to her cabin! I’m super exited and I’ll be heading out there tonight after I get my things together and buy some swim trunks. She still sounded weird on the phone though. She didn’t sound scared, but she was talking so quietly that I could barely hear her. I’m just glad that she called me and I’ll make her tell me whatever is bugging her once I get there. I’ll update you guys from the cabin either today or tomorrow!
August 1st 2005,
Molly really knows how to play games. I called her when I was about halfway here and she gave me the address again but no directions. She still sounded super quiet, but now I’m thinking it was part of her plan. I had trouble finding the cabin, and she wasn’t picking up so I had to drive around forever to look for it. If I didn’t recognize it from the pictures I would have felt bad about walking in without knocking. I set my bags down in the front room and noticed she didn’t have any of the lights on but when I reached for the switch she called my name from the back of the cottage. As I stepped into her living room I noticed she had lit a whole bunch of candles leading the way to one of the bedrooms.
The sight of the candles sent a shiver through me. It gave me that strange electric feeling that runs along your spine and down into the bottoms of your feet. It was the same feeling that you get when you miss the last stair in the dark, only to find the floor under you. I’d gotten rid of all of the candles in my house months ago.
I pushed the hesitation aside and went to the room with the candle next to it. I really didn’t think that she would put so much effort into our first time, but she proved me wrong. I’ll spare you guys the grimy details but she had left absolutely no light in the room. I couldn’t see a damn thing, and the only other thing she said to me was ‘sssshhhh’ as she pulled me into the room and rested a finger over my mouth. Needless to say I got lucky for the first time since Emily died and it was absolutely fantastic. I dozed off afterward and I thought I’d type an update before I went to look for her. She’s probably outside; the stars are beautiful up here.
August 2nd 2005,
I just checked into a motel in Pleasant View, a town not so far from Molly’s Cabin. I think I may be losing my mind. After I signed off last I went outside to look for Molly or her car, and then I realized I don’t remember seeing her car when I pulled into the driveway. While I was looking around I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. It was the coroner’s office in Pleasant View. The man on the phone said that he talked with Molly’s friend Amy—her emergency contact—and she said that I might be up here with her. He asked me if I could come in and either confirm or deny that it was Molly who was in the morgue. I know it’s selfish, but the whole way there all I could think about was how I just couldn’t survive this a second time. When I got there the coroner was extremely prompt and lead me directly downstairs after I showed him my identification.
On the way down he apologized for not contacting me sooner and said that she was found on foot, without a wallet, and it was difficult to figure out who she could be. He pulled on the cold, sterile handle of the drawer and my eyes disagreed with my brain as to what they were seeing. It was Molly, but she looked terrible. Her wide eyes reminded me of the girl on the porch, but she wasn’t smiling. Her mouth was locked into what had once been a gut-wrenching scream; I could almost hear it somewhere under the quiet buzzing of the fluorescent lights. I nodded to the coroner when he tilted his head to ask me if it was Molly. “I don’t understand.” I said.
“We actually aren’t sure what did it either, everything is pointing to natural causes. But she’s so young for that, do you know if she had any history of heart problems?” he asked.
“No. Why does she look…like that?”
“Her appearance is completely normal and she will look much better before any kind of ceremony, open casket or otherwise. I’m sorry for your loss.”
“No. She looks like she’s rotting, and I was with her less than two hours ago!”
“Two hours ago? Son, are you feeling alright? We’ve had her body here for two days; we had to wait to until the dental records came back. Her body was already in the woods for four days before somebody found her.”
I peeled out of their parking lot and floored the gas the entire way to this shitty motel. I had to reconnect and update you guys. I thought about calling the police, but what would I tell them? You guys are the only ones who know the whole story, and someone needs to tell it if I’m not able to. It’s important to mention that when I started typing this I looked down at my hands and saw that I had soot on my fingers and a bit on my arms as well. I started to wash it off in the bathroom sink, and that was when I saw my reflection in the mirror. My face is smeared with black and grey like damp charcoal, and there are spots of a color I almost didn’t recognize along the collar of my shirt. It’s the same color that I saw smeared on Molly’s palms. The same color as the lip imprint now staining the skin on the bottom of my jaw, it is that eerily strange shade that sits somewhere between red and purple. I’m heading home immediately after typing this because I need to get as far away as I can from that cabin as soon as possible. I will update you guys as soon as I get home to let you know what is going on. I just really hope the TV isn’t on when I get there.
-No further entry.
Credit: Moniker Lewinski