Right now, I’m a freshman in high school. I guess I could be called the “weird” type. You know, the one who always sits alone, glaring at the more popular kids. I guess you could also say I have to put up with a lot of crap from them, since they aren’t exactly the “friendly” type.
The female leader of the group, Lauren, is the worst offender of them all. She thinks she’s SO great, with her perfect blonde curls on her head, and her skinny figure. And I’ll admit, I DO want to be like her. We were friends when we were younger, but that’s LONG since over. My only friend is named Mary, and we’ve been friends since grade school. We got into a big fight in 7th grade, but she told me she’ll never do anything to make me mad again.
“You really should stop obsessing over her.” Mary sighs, shaking her head.
I just wrinkle my nose in disgust. I hate Mary. She can be so annoying sometimes. Me and her are just alike, though I don’t want to be like her any more. I want to be like Lauren. Beautiful Lauren who can get all the cute boys she wants and have them at her disposal.
“I do NOT obsess over her,” I snap. “Why am I even your friend?”
She just rolls her eyes. “If you LIKE her so much, then go BE her FRIEND.”
“Fine.” I reply, grabbing my food and walking over to Lauren.
“Lauren, can I sit with you?” I ask meekly.
“Oh, sure.” she answers with a smile. “Hey, we haven’t hung out in so long, maybe we could today?” Lauren questions.
“That’d be great. How about my house at 6?” And after a few minutes of conversing and me giving her my address, the bell rings and we go back to class.
After school that day, I hurry back to my house. I giddily clean up the house a bit and make sure my parents are out of the house so me and Lauren have plenty of alone time together.
When Lauren arrives, we have a lot of fun watching TV and sharing laughs over the fun times we used to have. And everything is okay until she says she has to go. I insist that she stays longer, but she says she has cheerleading practice in the morning and has to leave.
She’s just at the door when I have a knife to her throat. Suddenly, it’s as if I’m in 7th grade again, and I’ve got a knife held to Mary’s throat. She begs me not to hurt her, almost in tears. I insist that she stays longer, but she says she really should leave, stating that she doesn’t know why I’m mad but that she’ll never do anything to make me mad again. So I tell her that now, I can be just like her now, and I let the blade slice a large gash in her neck.
I’m brought back to reality when I hear Lauren’s corpse hit the ground with a thud. I give out a sigh when I see my clothes are stained red now. But no matter, those are my old clothes. I carefully pull off Lauren’s pretty blue dress, peel off my own clothes, and put the dress on. After a bit of hard work, I’ve got her scalp peeled off of her head and onto mine. I smile widely when I look in the mirror and see how beautiful I look.
“Honey, does your friend want to stay over for dinner?” I hear my mom yell from downstairs. My grin stays plastered on my face while I touch my beautiful hair. “No,” I yell back. “But I’ll be down in a minute!” I kneel down to Lauren’s body and put my hand on her soft cheek. “Oh, Lauren,” I start. “Now I can be just like you.”
Credit To: Me
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Was expecting a twist like how Mary, Lauren and the protagonist are thse same person but as it stands, dissapointed with the ending. There was no foreshadowing at all, and all characters felt one dimensional with no depth. Like that it actually gets a bit creepy in the end but it gets a 4/10 for me.
Not creepy enough but it’s a nice concept.
so, the mom’s in with her daughter?
NEVER BEING HER FRIEND AGAIN. (has slice on neck where she cut my troat open) >:D
I would like to know why her and Laurens friendship ended in the first place, and why Lauren was so quick to be her friend again.
I found it very weird that the girl basically said that her and Lauren’s friendship was long over. And that she wasn’t part of the cool kids. And how she stared Lauren down. Why the sudden change of heart? I feel like their re-friendship escalated too quickly.
Really? This fuck has no craft. Or creativity.
GO TO SLEEP.
Hhmmmhh i must say it was short but interesting but also what happend next when she go to school looking like her or something?? Oh well nothing but a good pasta.
I’m sorry… You have potential, but this just felt a bit too hectic and rushed. The backstory seemed cliche and juvenile. I feel like this would be better if the protagonist were, say, in college, that way the character has a bit more maturity and independence. Also the story should be longer (elaborate). I think this is a good foundation, but is too premature to stand on its own. It strikes me as being more fitting to crappypasta for that reason — needs more tweaking. But, not bad. 6/10 for potential.
Okay. Cool.
Yep…
REALLY? I WAS TRYING TO BE YOUR FRIEND. WHY’D YA AVE TO KILL ME? I’M GOING TO MAKE MY GHOST FUCK YOUR CORPSE
~Ivory ;)
It was bound to happen…either at her knife or mine.
HEY! MY NAME’S LAUREN!
*seriously*
i started out thinking at the door shes ganna kiss her! ut then she said knife to throat and my jaw dropped i was like, what the fuck???
HOLY SHIT I WAS FREAKED OUT!
Mostly because my name is Lauren, but I also have a friend named Mary.
Thank you very much again, Pradicus.
Anastasia, I can say with a certain amount of confidence that if you are not yet in high school, then you have several years ahead of you to mold your craft and you will be a very good writer if you stay with it. You want to expound on Creative Writing. Definitely look up “The Lie that Tells a Truth” by Dufresne on Amazon or half.com. This book will teach you how to develop characters, what to do, what not to do, how to focus, where to focus, how to draw in the reader, how to prepare for your first novel and so on. I look forward to following your work.
Thank you very much, Pradicus. Well, I’m not yet in high school so I guess I did pretty good. I’ll be sure to take your advice for the next story I write. But again, thank you very much for your feedback.
I will never EVER go to anybody’s house ever again… and for my next comment i do deaply apologize, but it must be said… BUT WHO WAS KNIFE???
Anastasia, if you are indeed of high school age, I’d say you did very, very well. The story was, in my estimation, a bit unnerving especially with the closing. It has a very “amateur” feel to it which is NOT a slam in any way. It shows the reader exactly where you are in your craft. If this IS your first story, do yourself a favor and look up writing tips online and follow them. My soap box is “show vs. tell” and is the most lacking skill in most inexperienced writers. Anom is correct; get your punctuation down, use the thesaurus to pick the best words for action, emotion and color and do the best you can on grammar. You certainly have a “flair” (used thesaurus to replace “gift”, it’s a more colorful word) for writing and should pursue it. Good job.
i loved it omg right some more!!!
So Mary is dead and now Lauren is?
I started this story off thinking “Ooo someone’s got a big lesbian crush on her~” Then it reminded me a lot of the film Mean Girls.
Give me my dress back you bitch
Dead girls don’t need dresses
And also, it wasn’t supposed to be scary. Slightly unnerving, maybe, but not scary. Anon, could you please tell me what parts specifically were cliche? I want all the feedback that I can get.
Thank you both for the feedback, you both have very good points. Seeing as this was my 1st pasta and that I wrote the story (well, improvised it, actually) at midnight, I’m actually pretty proud of myself. But I will take both of your suggestions and use them next time (at least it didn’t end up on Crappypasta :P) So thanks to both of you for your feedback :)
anon it wasn’t that bad it was a little rushed but it did have a good feel going practice makes perfect if you keep it up you’ll get better with time
Search “dialogue punctuation” on Google and check out the first two links. You’ve almost got it right, but not quite.
As for the story… cliche, rushed and not scary. None of the characters were interesting or fleshed out enough to overcome that, and it doesn’t help that the climax of the story had no proper foreshadowing and was blurted out in time for you to catch a train.
These kinds of twists are only clever if the reader can look back over the story after finishing it and say, “Oh, everything makes sense now! Look at all these clues I missed that would have told me how the story was going to end.”
Do better next time.