It’s been six months since they came back…
…and things wouldn’t have been that bad if it weren’t for all those idiots out there.
The first one appeared somewhere in the Caribbean, around near Haiti. It was a Facebook video someone posted, and it melted the internet instantly. There were jokes about it all over the place, an instant meme. Most of the jokes were in bad taste, of course. Jokes about voodoo, sanitaria, how poor they were. They kept using this still from an old 40’s horror movie, with some zombie with bulging eyes, with just the most racist and nasty jokes you can imagine.
And that’s all it was at first. Just a meme. People went about their days like usual. It’s funny, online, you see something like a meme, and that’s all that it is. Just a joke or a funny photo that you see that has no bearing on your life, regardless of the story behind it. You just laugh, maybe make a comment, then keep scrolling.
Then it started spreading, slowly. There were a few more sightings in Haiti. Then Dominican Republic, Jamaica, Cuba, Puerto Rico. It was even mentioned seriously in the news until one was spotted in the Cayman Islands, when one attacked an exec at one of those offshore banks. It’s all fun and games until you mess with rich white men’s money..
Then before you knew it, there were reports popping up all across the globe. Everyone was talking about it. No one really knew what to do, but they were talking about it. #zombieapocalypse was (ironically) trending. It was talked about on every podcast, late night talk show, everywhere. CNN’s ‘Zombie Watch” segment had a really great graphics intro (not gonna lie, that was my favorite out of all the channels).
And then, things just started getting bad. They were popping up all across the country, in nearly every state. All those memes and jokes online really took a sharp turn, real fast. Every white supremacist, nazi, alt-right asshole you can think of started blaming the people in Haiti for the whole thing (and somehow, also for all the problems they’re having in their lives). Hate crimes skyrocketed. People getting randomly assaulted on the street. Tires slashed, homes graffitied. And then, in June, a bunch of assholes in a pickup (probably in some militia or something), drove through Little Haiti in Miami, and just started throwing Molotov cocktails at houses. 38 people were killed, about 110 were left homeless. You can take a guess what happened to those that were initially killed. Yep. They came back. All of them. Within 36 hours Miami became the first major hot zone in the country.
It was all you saw, and all everyone talked about, everywhere. News, TV, online, the radio, at the dentist office, the deli at Publix, everywhere. And then the conspiracy theories started popping up. That the zombies were created as a bioweapon by the Russians. Or the Chinese. Or Muslims. Or Antifa. Or BLM. Or George Soros. Or that there were actually no zombies, that they were ‘false flags’ made by the CIA in conjunction with Hollywood special effects studios, or that they were holograms. Or aliens. Or whatever. The president gave a speech, encouraging people to stay safe at home. Yeah, that didn’t go over too well as you could imagine. Idiots started protesting, demanding that they were not afraid, that no zombies would stop them from going to Applebees. I gotta admit, it was kinda funny to see a lot of them get bitten. And then there were the counter, pro-zombie protests. That they were just misunderstood, how they deserve their due-process instead of being shot on the spot.
Pat Robertson couldn’t get enough of the zombies. It was all he talked about. In one week, he said the dead rising was God’s punishment, for Trans people flaunting themselves in God’s eyes. By the end of the week, he was practically rooting for them. It was biblical prophecy. Quoting the Book of Revelations, that it was all a sign of the coming rapture, of Christ’s imminent return to Earth. My absolute favorite video clip was that moment that one of his crew members turned live on air during The 700 Club, ripping his throat out on live television. Couldn’t have happened to a better person.
That was right around the time that the “zombie lovers” started popping up. I think it started out as a joke on Reddit. Someone made a subreddit for people in love with zombies. Mostly just memes and photoshopped images from bad ‘80’s horror movies. That slowly evolved into an actual zombie fetish. Videos of well hung dudes with really bad dead makeup banging young nubiles were all over the main page of Pornhub. Zombie slash fics. Cheap kindle zombie romance novels. Zombie sex fantasies, zombie rape fantasies. One woman who was all over the subreddit, made a long post saying that the only way she could cum was when she imagined a zombie ripping her body to shreds. Then that story in London broke, that woman who got arrested for bringing her “zombie boyfriend” to a café for brunch. She had a huge fit, saying that the zombie was her lover, he was very sweet, how they make love every night. How they made love? I don’t know, she was crazy.
People started making tons of money on this whole thing too. Hucksters were selling all kinds of snake oil concoctions, claiming that they would stop you from turning, or that it would deter you from being attacked? I don’t know, they were mostly colloidal silver mixed with bleach (which, incidentally ended up killing a handful of saps that bought into it). There were tactical anti-zombie clothes and armor. “Zombie-proof” windows for your house and car. The best was the “zombie blockers”. Totally blacked out sunglasses for kids, so your little Johnny and Suzie wouldn’t have to see them when they went out. All the while people were hoarding and stockpiling anything and everything they could find, whether they needed them or not. Walmart’s and strip malls turned into war zones. I saw a TikTok video of a high school girl get stabbed over grabbing the last loaf of bread on the shelf. Some convenience stores had plenty of merchandise, they just gouged the prices on everything through the roof and had guys with guns on guard by the doors. And gas of course. That went way fast. In a matter of days. A few gas stations got overtaken by heavily armed people, mostly rednecks and militia types. Don’t think of filling up your tank there though, they’ll just shoot you, unless you’re a “patriot” of course. Eventually cars were all over the place, no where to go with no gas.
And then the buying of supplies stopped, and people just started taking. It was like every man for themselves. Cashiers and baggers were gunned down in some places. What, you think their boss was going to let people stay home and be safe with their families? People being killed over TV’s and I Pads. Just trying to get all the stuff they could get their hands on. I mean, what are you going to do with a brand new big screen TV anyway? Wasn’t long for most broadcasts to cease. Then all the people they shot for their stuff, they turned, and… I mean, do people not think?
Electricity’s pretty much hit and miss nearly everywhere. Most people started fleeing their job posts. With no one manning the grid, well, I’m just lucky that the guy who’s house I’m in has solar panels on the roof. I heard a rumor about a nuclear power plant in Pennsylvania. It got overrun with zombies, and with no one there, it overheated and there was a meltdown.
It’s pretty quiet out there now, for the most part at least. You hear the occasional gunshot from somewhere, but nothing to worry you much. Most of the idiots out there have long since turned, wandering around till someone puts them down. Be safe out there.
Credit : Adam Roberts
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