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Heat Stroke



Estimated reading time โ€” 2 minutes

You’re just sitting there, trying to fan yourself off from the heat as you wait for you mother to come back from inside the shop. By chance, perhaps, you glance over to your left where another car is parked, empty and probably even more sweltering than your own. You roll up the windows and turn the key your mom left in case it got too hot. As the whoosh of cool air hit you in the face, you hear a strange sound, almost a knock on your window. You don’t look, thinking it impossible, because there was nobody there a second ago.

But soon, there is a movement out of the corner of your eye. You whip your head around, but there is nothing. All you can see if the interior of the car next to you, and a few odd buildings, all closed for the day. You chalk it up to the heat, one of those wisps you see on hot blacktop on days like today. You move to change the radio station when you see it again, almost a face, sitting in the back of the car next to you. But as soon as you turn to see it clearly, it vanishes.

You find you can do this every time, turn away and see the face, and have it disappear when you turn at it directly. You sit, staring out the windshield, but secretly paying attention the the car out of the corner of your left eye. The figure is hooded, tan, and more gaunt than any human you have ever seen. It seems to be laughing, almost, as his body blurs in and out of your already struggling focus.

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Your concentration is pulled away only when your mom returns with her grocery bags, turning down the air conditioner and putting the car in drive. You press your face against your window, desperate for one last look before you drive away. But not to worry, for the first time, you can see him without using only your peripheral vision, his massive eyes and overgrown mouth twisted into a grin as the creature waved goodbye.

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You turn back to the front, sweating and shaking uncontrollably. At that moment you know, you have not seen the last of that wicked being.

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81 thoughts on “Heat Stroke”

  1. I disagree with most of the comments, saying the ending is not needed, maybe it was needed as the writer wanted it to be an open ending story, and I completely respect all the points of view

  2. Pasta was good tasting at first but as I chewed it became a terrible taste and as I swallowed, I was dissapointed and disgusted. Bad pasta was bland.

  3. I think its sad how some horrible pasta’s sneak by with a 8.5 rating, while this one, which is surely not the best i’ve read, but certainly not bad, gets a 3.7.
    This website is strange…

  4. You turn back to the front, sweating and shaking uncontrollably. At that moment you see something out of the corner of your eye, in the backseat.

  5. i think it had a lot of potential, but it didn’t really deliver. when i got to the last line, i was looking for “Continue Reading…” or “to be continued…” i really like the alternate ending posted up there, and in fact that was the way i expected it to end.

    i’d give it 7/10.

  6. Hey those first two comment, don’t be bitches! This is a great pasta. Not everything has to be piss your pants scary.

    Author, I loved it because it wasn’t gory or jumpy or anything like that. I am going to recommend this to everyone I know who likes scary stories.

  7. i dunno he sounds like a nice guy, waving at you and all

    also: i relate the stay-in-mom’s-car-while-she-is-in-the-store thing sooooooooooooooooooo much, i loved that part of it

  8. I liked it…although I inexplicably agree with numerous comments when I say that the last paragraph is not needed.

    By the way, the Alternate Ending is amazing. I absolutely approve of that.

    THAT gave me a chill. :D

  9. Alternate Ending?

    Your concentration is pulled away only when your mom returns with her grocery bags, turning down the air conditioner and putting the car in drive. You press your face against your window, desperate for one last look before you drive away. The back of the car is now tauntingly empty. Shaken, you try to laugh as you remark to your mother the strange tricks heat can play on the eyes. But as you turn towards her, the smile slides from your face and a sick chill grips the base of your spine. In a mask of desiccated tan, a wide, wide mouth smiles back.

  10. It’s good. The only problem, like others have mentioned, is the last paragraph. Particularly the choice of words in the final sentence. “That wicked being” can’t be taken seriously, just a little humorously. If those words were replaced with “it” or “him” then it would keep the tone of the story without the need to remove the paragraph, which fits with the story just fine.

  11. It was alright.

    I don’t find it very creepy. The fact that you see something while suffering heat stroke? Fuck. Hallucinations. It happens.

    I mean, they way you described it was ok, but theres no backstory. It could be anything. Make some blood in the other car, or the thing knawing on a femur or something.

    Also, remove the last line.

  12. @Shuleep – gb2cave = go back to cave XD
    im sry to say this, but…
    OH GAWD!! it si fool awf mishtaeks!!
    all in all, like d concept but AH PISSED ON TEH PASTA WIF MAH PANTS DOWN! *ahh…feels good* the ending killed it =/

  13. @Shuleep – gb2cave = go back to cave XD
    im sry to say this, but…
    OH GAWD!! is si fool awf mishtaeks!!
    all in all, like d concept but AH PISSED ON TEH PASTA WIF MAH PANTS DOWN! *ahh…feels good* the ending killed it =/

  14. Main problem I had with the story was that the being didn’t really show any signs of being “evil”, just that he’s an asshole that likes to mess with people. Would have been nice to read something about the other cars backseat covered in blood, or some other gruesome aspect to allude to it eventually finding you and raping your ass inside out. Instead we get a kind of a “Dohohoho, let the nightmare begin!” ending.

  15. wasn’t “creepy” enough, and while written well, just wasn’t good enough to make up for the lack of creepy.

  16. Agree with the above comments that the last paragraph ought to be taken out. Even if the creature doesn’t follow “me” home, knowing that there is something lurking at an ordinary place is creepy enough.
    There were also a few spelling errors, but not enough to pull me out of the story. “…wait for you mother to come…”, “…attention the the car out…”
    Overall, a good pasta, though not delicious.

  17. No, a good premise alone does not make a good story. Nor does a nice writing style or good descriptions. Those help, but there needs to be more than that, and there is nothing in this case.

  18. Personally I imagine that I’d have it shift between locations, one moment grinning and the next whispering in your ear, sounding like a desert sandstorm…

    Something like this wouldn’t actually hurt you. Just prey on your weakness.

  19. I’m disappointed. The build up in the beginning wasn’t bad, which left me hoping for a good brick shitter ending.

    Then I read “You’ll see it again.”

    Total let down. Azriel had a nice idea, though.

  20. Hmmm…

    The jury’s out on this one. It’s kinda creepy, yet it feels almost unfinished, like there’s some other part that got left out.

  21. New Ending: You turn to look at the creature one more time, and you finally see it. But it’s not in the other car. It’s in your back seat.

  22. @Temporary Wounds: The creature he saw was a beast of some sort that preys/stalks those who get heat stroke.

    I liked it, though the ending could have been better.

  23. The last part ,”You turn back to the front, sweating and shaking uncontrollably. At that moment you know, you have not seen the last of that wicked being.”, needs to be taken out. It produces a substantially larger amount of bricks when its not spelled out for you.

  24. Would have been much better if it didn’t end so generically. I was hoping for some kind of twist, but never got it.

  25. Pretty good. I liked the idea, but it could have been ended without that last paragraph and it would have been a lot better.

  26. I disagree with the first two comments, I like how it took a mundane moment and turned it spooky. Also, it was written well and I like the subtlety… not every pasta has to be in your face gore, you guys.

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