I have to get out.
The walls, twisted rebar and cracked concrete, seemed to stretch on forever. I can’t remember where I am, why I came to be here; I can’t even remember my last name. All I know is that if I get out, I will live. If I don’t…
I have to get out.
I can hear it behind me, that accursed chuckle echoing down the hallway. Oh god, it’s coming for me.
An exit, to the right!
My jog becomes a sprint once again, a parade ground drum booming in my ears.
So close. I’m yards away; feet from the door.
Suddenly: ground. My face smacks into the dirtied concrete hard enough to feel something break.
I turn, looking for the object that tripped me. Blood gushes from my nose, staining my shirt and pants, but I don’t have time to care. One thought takes control of all others, one motive guides my body with an otherwise unnatural will.
I have to get out.
In my frenzied state it takes me a moment to focus on the figure limping slowly towards me, to realize the danger.
He is tall, thin as a corpse and white as a sheet. His dark suit is immaculate, his long limbs seeming to stretch beyond the right proportions. A long black cane, topped with a metal figurehead, is clenched tight in his fist, too-long fingers overlapping the pommel like a bad Halloween glove. Wispy white hair cascades around his balding cranium, draping over his shoulders like unkempt vines.
His face is the worst, with few features that seem to only highlight the wrongness of the absent ones.
Twin ovals, set deep into the too-high eye sockets. Twin pits from the abyss stare into me, into my soul.
His smile is too large, too wrong. Overcrowded teeth line a lipless maw that stretches the length of his head. Saliva leaks through gaps in his teeth, caught by the polite tapping of a kerchief in his free hand.
The fiend takes a few steps towards me, his gait awkward, like a teenager that hasn’t quite come to grips with a growth spurt. I back up, turn, furiously crawling toward the door; crawling toward my salvation.
I grasp the handle, pull madly at the doorknob. The door swings open, to reveal-
Nothing.
A wall, like something out of a lurid comic strip, lies before me. Crudely daubed on the surface is a pictogram of a smiling face, surrounded by tallymarks that are too numerous to count. The pigment dried as a dark brown, but I know its original color would have been red. Sanguine.
A titter, a mad giggle from behind me. Awkward footsteps, helped by a cane close the already negligible distance between us.
Oh God.
I can’t get out…
Credit To – From the bloke that gave you Grimm
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Is The antagonist supposed to be smiley?
But… WHO WAS DOOR!!
I’m sorry, but in what way is this related to the slenderman? slender doesn’t have hair, nor a cane and hat…
other than that, this was one creepy story :)
KEEP IT UP!
The “I don’t know where I am, why I am here, who I am” works when you have to start an RPG campaign and you really have no better idea, or when you are going to give your readers all the answers in the end. Otherwise, it just looks like the guy is sleeping and dreaming everything after reading one too many slenderman pastas.
I thought this was another slenderman pasta at first, but was actually pleased to find there were differences. (Don’t get me wrong, I love Slenderman, although he has become too commercial, but I digress). I did find the description of the creature rather creepy, so I have no complaints there. The pasta was short and rather predictable, but if some back story or some sort of introduction were given in the beginning, this could have been much better.
I think that it was a very interesting take on slender man. I liked it :)
This completely lacks detail. This was a good story idea, I really think that if this was written with more detail that you’d have a great story. Half of the fun when reading and writing a story is creating a character and kind of getting to know them. Also you need to add more detail to your dilemma that your character is facing because the lack of detail makes it uninteresting. Just tweek it and you’ll be good.
You got chased around by slenderman’s grandpa?
Its A Slenderman Breeded with Jeff The Killer – Seems Legit.
I thought this was an interesting, if not a little cliched, pasta. I’ve gotta say, whenever you’re describing your monster and it’s humanoid, whatever you do, avoid the words tall, suit, and long limbs. Even if you think you’re creating a disturbing new creature, it’s way too similar to Slenderman, and I think everyone on this site has voiced that we’re done with slenderpastas. But other than that, I enjoyed the immediate frantic tone. It puts you into a sort of jumpy, overly focused mood, which I enjoyed. I think that if you had elaborated on the backstory a little more it would’ve made the pasta creepier and more involving. The reader is sort of thrown into the situation, which does make you feel in union with the frazzled nature of the narrator, but doesn’t satisfy the reader’s desire to know more. Overall, a solid 7.5/10 in my book.
What I’m trying to figure out is in what way is this a slenderman knockoff? The only qualities I found to be similar to slenderman is that he’s tall and thin. Is anybody who’s tall and thin instantly get written off as a slenderman knockoff? Alright then, looks like we are now only allowed to do short and stout creatures from now on.
“Tall, suit, long limbs.” Pretty much the three most outstanding features of Slenderman. No, authors shouldn’t be confined to use short and stout monsters. But if you mess around with your adjectives (since everyone says tall, say “towering” or something) it can take away from that image.
But then they would just tie it down with the Rake.
So…what’s the point of this story? Slenderman is chasing someone, they can’t escape, the end? Okay?
Also, the melodramatic “INTO MY SOUUUUUUUUUUL” language use is really silly and takes away from the creepiness of the story.
Way too short
I prematurely rolled my eyes thinking this was another Slenderman story. Glad to find out it wasn’t, but the story itself wasn’t that great. This is a very random moment in time; we know nothing about the events before or after the story. We need to know a little more. Give us a little more info, because there’s potential here.
I cant understand this i know it has to do with Slenderman but then…what?
no story and slenderman knockoff, but I like the imagery.
Did anyone else think of Jack Skelington?
at first i thought slenderman, then jeff the killer, then jack xD
u serious? I felt NOTHING at ALL. IT WAS PREDICTABLE, BORING and Im twelve, its the middle of the night -_- Y U NO GUD STORY
Slendermans creepy uncle?
LOL
creative liberty taken on yet another boring adaptation of slenderman. jesus christ stop writing this crap. he’s not a real legend and doesn’t deserve all these writings.
not exactly “the russian sleep experiment” but certainly better than “hat man”. this is just one opinion, but i would recommended you add a little more detail in your work and don’t stop before the fight/chase/whatever conclusion you use. a little more blood and guts would’ve really made this story.
Slenderman.. sigh.. unzip..
Didn’t get it. Guy in a room, chased by a Slenderman knockoff, runs into a dead end trying to escape.
And then…?
I think lately there’s been a lot of admin fail going on, but in the opposite direction from normal.