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Graduation



Estimated reading time — 9 minutes

Westley was rich. Not in the manor in which he was stuck up or thought he was better than everyone else, but in the manner where the only friends he could find were those who really only cared for his money and not him. That being said, life was rather difficult for him. He was a senior in high school now, with acceptance into his first choice school on scholarship. To many of the less impressive, less well-off students in school he was well on his way to becoming the most secretly hated student on campus. Still, it made it easier to weed out those friends of his who weren’t in fact friends at all. They would treat him well, but he was well aware of the whispers and glances of envy that he’d been receiving from those who claimed to adore him. And he wasn’t about to allow them to spoil his last few days of school.

His parents were going away on holiday, you see. And they had assured him that while they were away, he could have the house to himself for the summer to do with it as he wished, so long as he cleaned up the mess. He’d decided to give himself one final hoorah; a commemoration for making it through the most confusing and disheartening four years of his life, and he decided to do so with five of his truest and least malicious friends.
He chose his compatriots carefully; there would be Alisson, his long time crush who, despite her disinterest in him, had always been very loyal to him; Rodney, who had been in theatre with him and always pushed him to do his best, regardless of his shy demeanor; Micheal, who occasionally made comments about their English teachers rear end, and seemed more intrigued by what his groin wanted then gossip about the spoiled rich kid; Lester, who rarely spoke but sat with him at lunch and seemed thankful when Westley packed extra food for him; and last was Gretchen, a foreign student with very good English who, for whatever reason, had a thing for the sweet little rich boy before she knew of his wealth.
He’d asked them to come over, after convincing his parents that their night wouldn’t be complete without drinks and assured them that nobody would be leaving while intoxicated, at 8 sharp after their final day of school.

The two girls arrived first; they had become friends themselves through their mutual companionship with Westley and arrived together. Lester was next through the door and then Rodney, who was followed quickly by Micheal.
After a brief greeting by each guest, Westley took a good look at his group; a strange combination of faces surrounded him, but they were the closest thing to a gang he’d ever get, and it made him happy that they had chosen to begin their final high school summer by his side. He lifted his bottle of beer in the air. “Here’s to making it.” He offered, and everyone returned the gesture with theirs, cheering in agreeance. He was just about to begin telling them of his plans for the evening, when a sudden ringing echoed through the massive, endless house.
Westley’s brow furrowed. The doorbell? But everyone was already there… “What the hell?”

He sauntered from the dining hall and through the foyer, to the door peering through the peep hole. A youth who couldn’t have been much different age from himself stood there in a navy hoodie, despite the ninety degree weather, head down as though in prayer. Westley was confused; he couldn’t see the youth’s face, but he was certain he didn’t know him. And moreover, he felt like something simply wasn’t right.
Slumped over his shoulder, in a pink hoodie which also hid a face, was a female with long, blonde locks that hung past her chest. She was holding her stomach, where deep red liquid had seeped through her sweatshirt.
Westley bit his lip. He could clearly see that she was injured, and badly in need of help, but he just didn’t feel right about the whole thing. It was a small town; everybody knew everybody. How were there two youths that he should have gone to school with standing on his steep, and he hadn’t a clue who they could have been?
He kept the chain on the door, but cracked it just enough to draw his head through the crack. “Can I help you?” He asked, heistant.
“Please, My girlfriend is hurt. You have to help us.” His voice fluctuated, but there was not shaking to it. No panic. It felt rehearsed.
“Who are you?” Westley asked. “I know everyone in town, but I’ve never seen you…”
“Please, sir. You have to help us.” Demanding, but not terrified. Steady.
“What happened?” Westley asked.
“Car accident. Please help.”
Westley took a moment to think. “I’ll call an ambulance for you. Just wait here.”
He went to close the door, but a hand that seemed too strong for such a narrow youth swung out and held it opened. “I have to tell her mother, sir. Please, let me in. Let me use our phone. I have to tell her family what’s happened.” He insisted. There wa an urgency, but not one of panick, but of anger. He was frustrated with Westley.
“I don’t know…” He started.
“what’s going on?” The Voice was soft and dainty, and it came from behind him.
Alisson came upon his shoulder, and the rest of the pack was sure to follow. Westley shrugged. “They need an ambulance. I told them I would call.” He offered.
“I need to call her family.” The young man insisted. “To let them know what happened.”
“Let them in.” Alisson offered.
“I don’t think I should. Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Come on, dude,” Micheal chimed in. “You going to let them lovely thing die out here?”
Westley hesitated. “please wait out here. I’ll go call an ambulance.” He insisted before closing the door on the couple and vanishing into another room in the maze of a house.
Rodney frowned. “What’s his problem?”
Micheal shrugged. “Hell if I know. She looked hot though. I say we let them in.”
Alisson shoved him. “Don’t you ever use your other head?” She questioned. “Look, I agree that they shouldn’t have to sit out there, but it’s Westley’s house. If he says he doesn’t want them inside, we have to respect that.”
Rodney lifted an eyebrow. “So we should just let them sit out there and die?”
“Ali is right.” Said the blonde with the light German accent. “Have some respect.”
Micheal rolled his eyes. “You just want to get in his pants, Geretch.” He offered. “You know she shouldn’t have to sit out there as much as we do.”
“But it is not your house!” She insisted.
The four of them were so busy arguing amongst themselves that they seemed to overlook the young, silent boy in the group as he made his way to the door. Lester wrapped his fingers around the handle, and released its hold, swinging it open. The room fell silent as the door swung wide open. “Come in.” He offered, and everyone stared in awe at the open threshold.
A smile crossed both of their lips, as though on cue and they lifted their pale heads. Their flesh was blue and pale like death, but that wasn’t their distinguishing feature. No, their eyes, solid black all the way through, like voids into another world. Four devilish black eyes lay upon the room, and with said invitation, they vanished before the groups eyes.
Westley returned to the room within seconds of their vanishing, to a room with an entirely new aura. Those who had been against leaving the teens in the cold had certainly changed their outlook now. “The ambulance is on its way.” Westley offered with uncertain assurance. “What did I miss?”
Micheal raised a shaking hand to the doorway. “They…. They vanished.” He offered, amazed and terrified all at once.
“How do you…?” Westley started.
“It was Lester!” Gretchen accused. “He told them they could come in, and they vanished.”
“You were going to let those… those things into my house?!” He shouted at the silent youth. But he gave that some thought, and turned to Gretchen. “Wait: what do you mean ‘vanished’?”
Alisson interjected. ‘Gone. Poof! Up in smoke. “They vanished right in front of us like some sort of ghost.” She offered as explanation, though it raised more question in Westley’s mind. “Whatever they were, they sure as hell weren’t Normal.”
Westley felt a sickness creep through his body. It started at his knees, then worked its way to his stomach, heart, and stopped just shy of his esophagus. He wanted to vomit. He had no idea what had happened, but he got the feeling that his little friend had just invited a nightmare into his home. And if that was all they needed to hear was an offer of entry, he was certain they hadn’t left. They were inside, somewhere. “They are here.” He muttered to himself.
“Here?” Rodney questioned.
He looked up at them. “In the house. They… they must have needed to be invited in.” they returned his declaration with blank stares. “Don’t you get it? They couldn’t enter without our permission, and they got it!”
“Are you trying to say that we’re dealing with some sort of… vampire or something?” Alisson questioned. It just seemed silly to her. “That’s ridiculous. Look; maybe we just imagined this whole thing. They probably just… I don’t know, left? She looked like she was in bad shape. Maybe they just went to another house for help.”
“Or maybe they are going to drain our blood and leave us for dead.” Micheal Retorted.
Gretchen crossed her arms over her full chest. “We should stay together either way. We’ll be safer if…”
A door swung open, and with a gust of wind a shade of mist, Gretchen went flying across the room and into the void that was once their kitchen. She screamed the way there, until the door slammed shut behind her, and silence befell the room.
The group stared at the door with fearful amazement. “Gretch?” Westley muttered, but after several seconds, there was no response. “Hey, Gretchen…” He tried again, but not a sound came from the room.
He inched closer, the other four following close behind him. His hand inched toward the door, slowly. He was careful and hesitant as he reached out for the only barrier between the group and the monsters inside. But as he finally gained the courage to turn the knob and push the door open, he realized that the room was just as barren as they had left it.
“G—Gretchen?” His voice shook as he called her name, but there was no answer.
“Maybe she got scared. I can’t say I blame her…” Alisson offered.
Westley shook his head. “No, she has to be here. They have her.” He insisted. “She couldn’t have just up and run, there’s something inhuman in here. I can feel it.”
Micheal rolled his eyes and pushed forward. “Very funny, Gretch!” He offered. No response. “Look, we get it; Funny joke, haha. Now come on out.” He insisted. Nothing.
Rodney crossed his arms. “I don’t think it’s a joke, Mike.” He offered. “If it was, those were some pretty spectacular special effects, don’t you think?”
Micheal shook his head. “No, this is too messed up! It has to be a joke. Some stupid prank, one last hoorah before we go our separate ways. Westley’s probably in on it too, that’s why he invited us here, right? Right?!”
Westley took a step back. His friend sounded almost threatening, and it made him uncomfortable. “I had nothing to do with any of this.” He insisted. “I swear.”
Mike sneered. “Oh shut up! You’re the one spouting off all this nonsense about some crazy creatures coming in here. It’s straight out of a horror movie!”
“We are all scared!” Alisson interjected. “But this isn’t anyone’s fault! If Westley was a part of this, he would have let us know by now. He wouldn’t let it go this far.” She insisted. “Right, Wes?”
“Of course!” He insisted. “When have I ever tried anything like this? Come on, this isn’t me!”
Mike was just about to continue his accusations, but the door closed behind them and, when they tried to force it open once more, it simply wouldn’t budge. Panic filled the room, as the ever present evil that now occupied that house overwhelmed the remaining five.
They turned, ready to try the door leading outside, but stopped dead in their tracked. Something blocked their way. A young boy, about their age, with solid black eyes and a malicious grin. “Going somewhere?” He asked.

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What do you want?!” Rodney shouted.
“Calm down, sweetie.” The voice came from behind the group. Female, and full of malice. “It’s just a little fun.”
They turned to face the falsely injured girl before shifting their gaze back to the other creature in the room once more.
“Where’s Gretchen?” Westley insisted. But to his question, they simply gave a vicious giggle and disappeared.
The female figure appeared behind Rodney, wrapping her arms around him before vanishing yet again, pulling the boy with her. “Rodney!” Alisson shouted.
A hand grabbed her arm and, with a shriek, she was pulled through the outside door and vanished without a trace. Micheal rushed to the door and pulled on it, shouting her name endlessly before he sunk to his knees, tears swelling in his eyes. “What’s happening?! Where are they taking them?”
Westley would have responded, but he was in shock. He simply stared out the window of that closed door in terrified astonishment, horrified by the events. Three left, he though, Just three more of us. We are going to go wherever they are going. We are going to be killed or tortured or… who knows what will happen to us. We will vanish just like they have.
Micheal was now back on his feet, determined to reunite with the others. He slammed his body into the door, but despite his efforts, it simply wouldn’t break. They were trapped in the room with no hope.
But something was happening to the paralyzed Westley. He body was, literally, disintegrating before his eyes. He watched as his hands and feet vanished, and then his arms and legs, and then his torso began to leave him. “Mike…” He muttered, too stunned to explain.
Micheal halted to turn to his friend, but he was gone before he could reach him, and then he was gone. Mike was now desperate. He grabbed a pan from the cupboard and slammed it into the glass panes on the door, shattering it, but before he could leave, the glass reappeared before him. “What the….”
Before he could finish this thought, a light shined down upon him, and he two was gone.
And then there was one. One boy who had been silent throughout this whole endeavor. One boy who had let the evil in. He stared with wide eyes as his friends vanished one by one, and now he stood alone in the kitchen of a house he did not own.
The black eyed children appeared behind him, each with a hand on his shoulder. “Ready?” They asked in unison. And to that, he nodded, and the light came and took them away.

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Credit To – Liz loveless

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30 thoughts on “Graduation”

  1. Well I didn’t really like it, it wasn’t that scary but at the same time I’m asking myself who the fuck made this?

  2. gibberishtwist

    Proofread, proofread, proofread.

    Seriously, how the hell did you manage to mix up “manor” and “manner” IN THE SAME SENTENCE? Were you not sure which one was the right one to use, and were you too lazy to look it up? You have internet access, there’s no excuse for not actually checking your work.

    (Sorry if English isn’t your first language, but if it is, seriously WTF I am honestly baffled at some of the mistakes here)

  3. Alright I’m not that familiar with creepypasta yet but I think I have two tips for you on story-telling.

    Firstly, if you’re going to try and create an identity or back-story make sure you beef it up. The main character’s description didn’t seem to be relevant to the story at all. Yes, it was obviously a way to get into the story and you succeeded in that BUT the way you did it meant that I didn’t care about what happened to the character as there was no incentive to do so. Make your characters CHARACTERS and not dolls that you paint a face on and hope for the best.

    Secondly, this story is mixed up on how the nature of fear is. You were clearly going for the whole dread aspect of “oh nono where did they go I’m so scared WTF!!!” aspect but you gave it like a second before abruptly ending it which meant that this story had wasted potential, I scare fairly easily so the shock of them originally vanishing got me but you rushed it so it quickly got old.

    Not trying to be mean it was just these two aspects that particularly stuck out to me. I probably have no right to criticise but I believe this has potential and a rewrite done under proper thought and listening to all the comments will be brilliant and blood-curdelling, good luck :)

  4. To what Night said, there actually have been reports of black-eyed children who are either Aliens or demons. I couldn’t help but wonder if you have watched or did research on these strangr creatures that may or may not exist. Whenever I see a story or whatever that I have inside knowledge about, I’m compelled to say something. Good story. Needed more descrption of what was going on but other than that, it was good.

  5. Swirly Head Man

    This started pretty well, but it kind of fell apart. Like others have said, I feel like it got quite rushed, and it felt a bit cheesy… I find there are generally two types of writing styles in terms of dialogue. There are the ones that feel realistic, like you can imagine yourself and your own friends speaking in similar ways in the circumstance. Then there’s the type that you can only associate with cheesy horror movies, where the characters are one-dimensional and built on played out models. I think the dialogue here was the latter, I could only hear it in really cheesy American teen accents, like from Nightmare on Elm Street.

    But being perfectly honest, that wasn’t the major issue I had with this pasta. This pasta is something I’ve been expecting for a long time, in a bad way. The problem is your chosen content. The most frightening thing about the Black-Eyed Kids was that they were an unknown force. Nobody ever let them in, and so we were left to only imagine their motives, their capabilities and their intentions. I’ve always known it was only a matter of time before someone decided to try their hand at the Black-Eyed Kids, and actually have them let into the house.

    See, I personally think people find this story un-creepy because there’s not much to fear in the Black-Eyed Kids besides the unknown. If you take away the mystery, it’s really just a demon from Supernatural.

    Maybe I’m wrong, but I think there’s a much larger scare factor in these kids with black eyes lurking around asking for entry and being denied than kids with black eyes teleporting people for no apparent reason. I mean, aside from the scare factor, it makes no sense. If all they want is to take you away somewhere, why do they wait until you’re inside, then try and get inside as well. The story with the woman (Katie, I think) who returns home from work to find them in her driveway doesn’t work with these kids in your story. Why not take her there and then, where no threshold is separating them?

    I don’t mean to be a tool, but I feel like this story sort of robbed the Black-Eyed Kids of their key element. It’s like deciding to become a skinhead, and buying a Rolls Royce at the same time. Joining the subculture and simultaneously conflicting with it, if you get what I mean.

    Anyways, the writing itself wasn’t overall bad, it just needed some work. The main problem was actually detailing the powers and motives of the Black-Eyed Kids and revealing their capabilities, thereby removing the thing that most made them scary to begin with.

  6. I liked the story, but REALLY would’ve LOVED closure (I’m HUGE on closure) as to why they were kinder to the silent friend. Was he apart of the creepy kids’ festivities, or had he simply resolved to his fate? AND…JT & Madinverse: I LOVE y’all’s feedback!!! It’s TRULY constructive criticism, and I hope the authors you critique pay attention. Y’all don’t bash or put down anybodies work – even IF the story is not your cup of tea. TOO many people take opportunity to be mean & downright horrible not knowing what it takes to make oneself vulnerable and put themselves out there. I believe in treating others the way I want to be treated….so your thoughts are refreshing and appreciated. Are y’all professors or creative writing teachers?

  7. This actually reminds me a lot of a Pasta in the ‘Based on a True Story’ section called ‘Black-Eyed Kids In Kansas’
    Same thing about the deep black eyes, pale skin, hoodies, and they just kept asking to be let in over and over, wanting water.
    After the woman’s husband got home, they just walked away to the other side of the street and sat there, staring into her window every day.
    (insert Neil Patrick Harris ‘true story’ meme here)

  8. This story hooked me at the beginning. Unfortunately, you started to rush after the starting details. The ending itself felt really jumbled. It’s not that the writing is wrong (aside from a few mistakes) – just that it’s laid out in a confusing manner.

    I was looking forward to more detail about the quiet kid and his part in it all. Did he just accidentally do it, or was it planned? What was the motive? Why was he taken too? For me, the story just got too rushed once the evil events started happening for me to make heads or tails to any of these questions.

    Story has potential, and I really was looking forward to reading something more grand – the starting sets up the potential for a betrayal story, which we got, but not to the scale it can be. I’d like to see a better, more detailed, longer rewrite of this. 5/10.

  9. The characterization needs work. I disliked the main character by the end of the first paragraph (oh boo-hoo, he’s rich: such a horrible life), never got to know the others, and the story ended with the wrong character (think of stories like brackets: last one you close is the first one you opened).

    The general piece needs basic copy-edits. In particular, I noticed a good number of homophone switches: those you can usually only catch on a subsequent read-through, not when you first write.

    As for the monsters, the more human you make them, the more of a motivation they need. As it was, there was no reason for them to appear, to “kill,” or really to do anything.

    It looks like you were going for a classic slasher-flick vibe, but unfortunately that isn’t well suited to such a short form. Everything happened too fast, before tension could be built, which undercut the fear.

  10. Anthony Burgess meets Agatha Christie.

    I think you might have had an interesting premise to begin with, but any hope of enjoying a finely executed story vanished with the black eyed children as soon as I got through the first paragraph. Please, when introducing your characters, you need to do more than just tell them to your readers; you need to show them to your audience; depict them; sketch them; give them substance and depth. The way you etched your protagonist (Westley) from the get-go made him seem more like an object of gossip rather than an actual person.

    The other characters didn’t fare much better. They all seemed shallow; their dialogue banal. Even as minor characters they needed more fleshing out.

    When the doorbell rang and the mysterious children wearing *sigh* ‘hoodies *sigh* spoke their first lines, I instantly imagined JTK and a proxy imitating Alex and his droogs from “A Clockwork Orange”. Although you explained that it was a small town and that everybody knew everybody, writing that Westley just didn’t feel right about the unexpected couple on his doorstep seemed like a cop-out. What if the two children were from out of town or attended another school other than Westley and his party guests? Some spooky occurrences to go along with the children’s sudden appearance would have added some much needed atmosphere to your story. Maybe the street lights started flickering on and off. Maybe a fog was beginning to roll in and enveloping the neighborhood in a strange unseasonal mist. Maybe the smell of sulfur or the buzzing of flies could be heard coming from the other side of the door. Anything to add some suspenseful creepiness to your pasta as the people in the house debated on whether or not they should invite the couple in.

    I don’t know anything about black eyed children, and your ending didn’t fill me with enthusiasm or any need to go out and research their phenomena. Having your antagonists merely transport the revelers away from their graduation party seemed pretty . . . anti-climatic. I wish you would have spent more time and thought into developing a better finale. Hell, even having the black eyed children getting wasted playing quarters for the other children’s souls would have been a more entertaining ending.

  11. Too many grammatical errors. Also the descriptions and writing need some work. I don’t get why you made the characters so one dimensional, and quite stupid as well. I mean these pale blue creatures disappear into thin air and one of them suggests they all imagined that, or they went to another house? Or when one of the girls gets lifted and thrown into the kitchen against her will one of them suggests she ran? They can’t be that clueless. You also threw some unnecessary detail into parts of the story i.e in what order the group showed up. The whole idea consisting of vampires and the black eyed kids is very unoriginal. The ending felt rushed, and just seemed slopped together when they started disappearing or whatever. The last line with the silent boy and the creatures going with the light was really out of place. 3/10 stars.

  12. Eh, not at all creepy. I Like how the writer tried to continue a pasta of The Kids With Black Eyes (can’t Remember exact title) but I found it dry and a bit tiresome to read, the ending was a disappointment to the story. It rose at a nice pace but then everything kind of crashed. And zone kid thinks the hooded girl is hot? She was bleeding and wasn’t her face covered? 5/10

  13. The ending seemed really rushed, like you started to regret making it. There were a lot of grammatical errors, such as not starting a new paragraph when someone starts talking. Homophones also seemed to be a problem.

  14. It felt like you said youth millions of times. It wasn’t too creepy, the kids just vanished. The ‘monsters’ felt too animated and cheesy with the “Going somewhere?” Other than that, it was well written.

  15. This started out strong but when the silent friend invited the strangers in I knew what was going to happen. This is only an expansion on an old pasta, this was not creepy to me. Better luck next time.

    1. Entries take a long time to get processed. They submitted it during open submission, then the admin closed submissions so he could process all of the submissions without having an overflow. That is how this works, you don’t simply instantaneously post things.

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