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Gai Kao



Estimated reading time โ€” 3 minutes

There are times in ones life where one feels unsafe. Insecurity permeates their being, and despite their best efforts they cannot quell the fear that builds within them. They seek some form of solace; a refuge against the tumultuous and unpredictable storms that seek to overwhelm them. Some weather the storm stoically, holding to some deep-rooted faith, divine or otherwise, that this moment will pass. Others lose what vestiges of their sanity remain, their paranoia evolving into madness…a thunder of sorts to match the lightning of this overpowering gale. But there is a third option, one known to only a few. The Taiwanese call it the Ritual of Gai Kao.

To engage in this age-old rite, you must first be riding the waves of sadness driven before this chaotic storm. When you feel you are at your most desperate, seek out a place that is often frequented by many people at once. The patio of a coffee shop, a bowling alley, an RV park…any place where the traffic of humanity has left the residue of souls. These are places of great power, and will aid greatly in your efforts. It is also easier to do just prior to 8:24 PM on October the 26th, as that is when the Kao is at his greatest strength.

Once there, sit calmly and engage in a mundane activity. Reading the newspaper, stirring your coffee, something like this. Do NOT speak to anyone, or your efforts will be in vain. You must be in a meditative state, engaging in only such mindless activities so that your mind can focus on the worry at hand.

Soon you will become keenly aware that the sounds of the world have dulled. The crappy coffee shop music is gone, the sound of crashing pins has faded, the engines of vehicles lost in the void. At this point you MUST look down. This symbolizes the approach of Gai Kao, the spirit of security, and to not show your reverence by averting your gaze will result in the most dire of consequences. From this point on you must do EXACTLY what I say. Do not deviate; I will tell you what will happen later if you do.

After a few moments, you’ll hear a heavily-accented voice bid you to raise you eyes. When you do, you will be looking straight into yellow, slitted reptillian eyes. Everyone else who was in the room will be gone; you will be the only one who can see this creature. Do NOT gasp in fear, and do NOT speak. The creature will have a yellowish-green, scaly hide and speak around a gross, oversized tongue in its mouth.

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The creature will engage you in a few lines of small talk. Do not speak unless you are answering a question. If he deems you worthy, he will then tell you the remedy to all of your current problems. He will know you as well as you know yourself, though whether he is reading you thoughts or not is unclear. Feel free to ask clarifying questions during this time, but always begin your statment with “Great Kao”. NEVER, EVER thank him for his answers, or he will depart.

After he has addressed your every worry, he will begin to speak of nonsequitur events once more. This is important: DO NOT LISTEN. He will talk of things that interest you, offer to discuss real-life events, anything to get your attention. Instead, avert your eyes as before and wait for the noise of the room to return. Once this occurs, you may look up to find the room just as it was and no time will have passed. You may then go forth, and feel comforted.

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But be warned! Should you in ANY way deviate from this process, and the Kao will put upon you a curse. This is a curse of degeneration; you will slowly regress the evolutionary path. You will sprout hair from your knuckles and brow. Your teeth will go awry as your jaw reforms and your forehead takes a neanderthal-like appearance. This is an insult from the Kao; a cut at your humanity and an insult to your intelligence.

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If done correctly, your every care will be comforted and you will once again feel joy. However, from that day on you will feel the Kao’s presence upon you. He will observe you to note your contentment. You will never shake his gaze. The gaze of those large eyes. It will always feel like somebody’s watching you…and you get no privacy…

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76 thoughts on “Gai Kao”

  1. The whole time I had to keep myself from laughing because I kept thinking “Gay Cow” instead of Gai Kao

  2. ForeverMyMaster

    R’lyeh:
    Gai Ko= Geico. Neanderthal-like appearance= cavemen in Geico commercials.

    heavily-accented voice= British accent. The Geico gecko speaks in a British accent.

    Pasta was about Geico. Not too hard to figure out.

    HAHA I DIDNT GET THIS UNTIL NOWA

  3. Does no one get the last line?!
    They are lyrics from Rockwell’s Somebody’s Watching Me.
    When I read that part, I just laughed & laughed

  4. Utter drivel. But, I can’t help wondering if the victim continues to devolve. That would be good.

    Fear the Darkness

    -Nex

  5. GAI KAO = GEICO

    I got it the second I read the name and I loled a bit at the end, it was kinda stupid though, but w/e I give it a 2.5 out of 5. :3

    Next time, make sure its filled with 80% more “creepy” and 10% less “pointless”

  6. GAI KAO = GEICO

    I got it the second I read the name and I loled a bit at the end, it was kinda stupid though, but w/e I give it a 2.5 out of 5. :3

  7. Whip out your penis and wiggle it around and say in a confidant voice ” How do you like this you gecko bastard!”

  8. If you fail at any part of the ritual, the Gai Kao’s watchful protector will drag you into the nearest pit of refuse and hold you there until you are crushed.
    Diah Riha Jones wears D-Pants and soon, you shall too.

  9. step 1: be an emo close to Halloween
    step 2: go somewhere popular but continue acting emo
    step 3: space out, see lizard
    step 4: listen to lizard and be ungrateful dick
    step 5: lizard tries being helpful, be extra ungrateful and dick-ish
    step 6: lizard gets sick of your shit and leaves

    if done incorrectly, you will go through puberty (hooray you)

    if done correctly, you stop being emo, but the lizard guy watches you masturbate from now on

  10. I’m Taiwanese, so I was thinking this as I read.
    “…Oh, something abou T- ….wait this isn’t Taiwanes- … GEICO!!!! “

  11. That would be pointless wouldn’t it? I mean, the worries I’d want to get rid of are the ones about some being always watching me. It won’t help me any. xD …>_> There’s that feeling again.

  12. Yeah, I thought it would be some kind of Geico spoof when I read the title. Becuase usually im alone when i read these stories, I read these out loud and when I said “Gai Kao” I said Geico. Lol.

  13. Haha, I read this one when Phone first posted it and was checking back to see if anyone else got the Geico joke! looks like a couple others did and let everybody else in on it. That is great, because it really would have been sad for such a clever parody to be taken the wrong way. And i get the insecure thing at the beginning now, too. I didn’t catch that the first time around. Good Job!

  14. Y’know, theh really isn’t ennafing ta worry abou’ wif Gai Kao. ‘E can save ye money an’ make shore yer safe as yew droive around…

    …Ah those clams? Oi love a gud clam

    (You know, there really isn’t anything to worry about with Gai Kao. He can save you money and make sure you’re safe as you drive around…)

  15. Didn’t understand the Geico joke until someone pointed it out, since “Gai Kao” would be spoken as “Guy Cow”. Perhaps if it was Gai Ko, it would not go over most readers’ heads.

    Clever though, since it wasn’t really creepy, but now I find it humorous.

  16. An excellent parody, if it were intended as such. I can definitely see that this is derived from the notion of Geico commercials. But what’s the deal with the specific date and time? Seems kind of like it’s out of left field, which would tell me it has something to do with the satire as well.

    I liked it…maybe not creepy per se, but definitely in the same vein of ritual pasta.

  17. The trick to writing ritual pastas is to have any potential consequence actually connect to the original topic in some way or another. The ritual was meant to purge any sort of overwhelming stress in one’s life, and somehow, failure leads to… becoming a neanderthal? But the idea did have potential, and it could be quite good if it were edited here and there.

    Also, a problem I see with most rituals is having the dire consequence from failure, AND the “reward” coming with a sort of curse. To all future pasta writers: pick one or the other. It’s very difficult to include both without making the whole thing seem like a self-parody. An experienced writer can pull it off, but it’s best for one not to overestimate their own abilities.

  18. Why does it seem that these rituals meant to bring you peace always have some dire consequence if done wrong in any way?

  19. This has too much of a chance for inocent people to be caught in its path. What is some guy was just sitting in a coffee shop on Oct. 26 reading a book and the Kao comes to him? He didn’t wish to enact the ritual, but he ges it anyway? That seems a tad unfair.

  20. @ Mador Maero:

    I could be wrong, but the way I read it that was kind of the point. It seemed like only the desperate would seek out the ‘Kao’, and so would be choosing to do this, but at a terrible price.

    Seems like whichever way the person in the ritual chooses, once the Kao appears there’s no going back without something bad happening.

    Only mildly creepy, though. Writer could use some work on creepy consequences.

  21. I have to say I hate ritual pastas. All in all it was decent. But not liked by me, it’s just the type that’s all.

  22. The problem about Ritual pastas is that there are a lot of “what ifs” involved. You can avert from the path, and the consequences are only briefly mentioned. Pastas become creepier when there is a definate plot and outcome. Or, at least in my opinion.

  23. Gai Ko= Geico. Neanderthal-like appearance= cavemen in Geico commercials.

    heavily-accented voice= British accent. The Geico gecko speaks in a British accent.

    Pasta was about Geico. Not too hard to figure out.

    1. How happy are people who consult Gai Kao and become 15% happier or more?
      Happier than a strange reptilian being turning innocent people into cavemen.

      Oh, and Gay Cow.

  24. Shoulda used a different name. The whole story I couldn’t help but giggle at the name “Great Cow.”

    You used you instead of your twice.

    Also, I was a little confused as to why he would turn you into a cave man for answering him wrong or whatnot, but ignoring him and avoiding looking at him causes no reprimand.

    Also why does talking to this guy make you happy?

    Ritual pastas are hard to write. I suppose this wasn’t terrible, but it was by no means great, and not in the least bit creepy.

  25. Not creepy per se, however it feels like a good story and fits in well to the Rituals category.

    Also who, Gai Kao, Etc.

  26. Didn’t really find it all that terrifying. The only thing vaguely creepy was how Gai Kao will give you no privacy if you do the ritual correctly.

  27. I’m with bricks. I don’t particularly care for the go do this and get free shit pasta personally. I could take some lizard thing. srsly.

  28. I’d agree with you Feaster…there was definitely more possibilities as far as the consequence of deviation went. I think you’re right about that one consequence occuring in each situation.

    Overall, it seems like a decent creepypasta…probably homegrown.

    To the writer: keep at it. Do a little more research on the types of consequences and descriptions that other popular pastas have. You seem to have potential.

  29. I suppose this pasta was….adequate. It would have been far more delectable had a consequence been offered for listening to this “Kao’s” second verse of mundane speech. Perhaps the writer was implying the same consequence for any and all deviations from the ritual. If so, then I am saddened at the cheapening of such a potentially scrumptious morsel…….

    ……I await my next meal.

  30. I like the idea behind this “ever-staring being” at the end much, much better than ‘The Eye’ from a previous story. Interesting concept behind the Kao as well.

    And bonus points for not trying to guess what the reader was doing.

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