From: —— @ —— .com
Re: entries/information requested re: compiling psychological profile
Written below are the journal entries of Christopher Young, brother of Daryl Young, found saved as individual files on his personal computer, with file names Prologue.doc, Ch1.doc, Ch2.doc, etc. Apart from being compiled into one document, they have not been altered in any way.
—
Prologue
Two weeks later, there was a sound. There was a humming. It came from that place on the carpet, the spot near the corner. His spot.
Ch 1
I’m getting concerned. I guess I was a bit distracted before, but my mind is clear now. They’re gone, and I am frankly growing more concerned by the minute.
A chalk-white amorphous thing. A hideous, absolutely hideous thing. I saw it. I saw it on the rug, and it scared me. It looked at me, grinning with half-formed white eyes filmed over. It writhed towards me. A heat, some sort of sickening heat radiated from it, and it saw my disgust and thrived upon it.
I had hoped it would live in one of the closets, but it was content to ooze about my home, leaving trails as it went. I am quite sure that if I had not put the towel under the bathroom door it would have tried to come in and join me while I bathed myself.
Ch 2
Today it has appendages. I am not sure if they existed before, but now they most certainly do. It has two, with one on either side, and it crawls haphazardly along like some sort of horrid lopsided insect. It tried to follow me out through the door, but I kicked it and it did not try any longer.
It thumps around as I try to sleep, dragging its body everywhere and leaving residue all over the house.
I took my cat to Daryl’s. The thing didn’t follow me. I’m glad. It may get me, but it will not get my cat.
Ch 3
It now has four appendages and is beginning to form a skull-like dome under its pulsing skin. It has a mouth, a crooked little mouth, and I am afraid it will begin to make sounds at me. Three of the appendages are longer than the fourth, so it mostly wobbles around in crooked little circles. It is getting bigger, and it never stops changing. I was hoping it would stay and become some sort of indiscernible monster, but now I am sure that it is becoming a person, or at the very least something similar. I would like to kill it. I wonder if I could.
Ch 4
The appendages are even now. It’s disgusting, with abhorrent little limbs forming perfectly. They’re currently flippers and nubs, cartilage and bright blue veins under translucent white skin. It sits and stares at me as the cat did, but instead of curiosity it looks on with a hunger and a disquieting energy. Just as the cat’s did, however, its eyes reflect the slightest light in the darkness. They’re omnipresent and wide and green and yellow as I try to sleep. The eyes are not (yet?) the same size, which only serves to make the thing more unnerving.
Ch 5
It sits at the top of the stairs, waiting for me, smiling down at me with crooked reflective eyes and a small mouth full of small black teeth. My bedroom is upstairs. I am afraid to go up.
It also has hands and feet now; the nubs gave way to small, slender fingers and toes. It is beginning to walk and climb about, and there are small white hand prints smudged on all of the doorknobs. I think at this point towels will do me no good.
Ch 6
It can open doors. I’m sure of it now. It’s androgynous in anatomy, but for him I think it male. It still smiles at me and stares, but says nothing. A small mercy.
Ch 7
Last night I picked up a favorite old anthology and decided to read it while resting in the rocking chair next to my bedroom window. In response, the accursed thing stood in my doorway, leering at me, intent to ruin any escape. It succeeded. Frustration and fear gave way to rage, and I pushed up the window, ripped a hole in the screen, and flung the book outside into the night.
The thing ventured down the stairs, in and out the front door, and brought the book back- an arm snaking against and over the arm of my chair, depositing the small book in my lap, complete with bony hand print. That was the closest it had ever gotten to me. I became frightened.
I stared at the thing and then tossed the old book to the carpet. To think; to only have to deal with a beating beneath the floorboards! This thing mocked me and tormented me and lived and breathed and watched. It looked at the book for a moment, then curled up in the corner and stared at me, large uneven eyes with skin pulled back around. It stared at me and smiled with its little teeth.
Ch 8
The thing has started polluting my food or hiding it or both, and I found that shampoo burns my scalp and razors jut from the pages of my books. No longer content to mull around and lurk in corners, it is now actively making my life miserable.
Ch 9
Eventually, I had no choice but to venture out to the local supermarket and replace my now useless toiletries and food. I had become accustomed to it staying at my home, content to violate my private space, but I always held a suspicion it would begin to follow me. My fear was confirmed.
I drove to the store, did my shopping, and checked out. Nothing unusual happened. I walked outside. Nothing! I approached my car and believed to have seen it, but had not. I then glanced up and saw it.
It was far away. I do not know if it was making an attempt to hide, but it was there; it was there, looking at me, half-hidden behind a tree. Our eyes met, and I shivered. It appeared pleased, then it crawled its thin body back behind the tree, paused, and stuck its head out to continue watching me. The eyes were even, but they seemed to be getting larger, and darker, and more vacant; even from the distance between the two of us they stood out much against the bleached skin that surrounded them.
It smiled, but showed no teeth. I suppose it did not want to show them in public. I wondered what it had planned for me. I blinked and it was gone.
I paused for a moment, worried it would appear somewhere closer, but nothing happened. I then packed up the groceries and returned home. I stopped, retrieved my mail, pulled up, parked, got out, glanced up, and a light happened to catch my eye; I saw a foreign light my bedroom window. Faintly silhouetted against my window was the thing, staring intently down at me, shuddering against the glass, violating my room. I’m sure it had been watching the entire time, waiting for me to notice. In silhouette it looked so much like a person now, though was really little more than a lumpy childlike skeleton with enormous dark eyes.
If I killed it, would the authorities come back and blame me for killing a person, I wondered? I wondered. I wondered if it would try to snake a hand through the hole in the screen and reach for me.
Ch 11
Last night I sat on the couch flipping channels, desperate for any distraction or escape. The phone was next to me, but I was too afraid to call anyone for help, lest what happened before be found out. It must be said, though, that the pressure was becoming unbearable.
It sat in his corner again, sat in a sphinx-like position despite looking so human now, and just as I hit the one channel with static for the umpteenth time the thing in the corner began to whisper. I ignored it and changed the channel, hoping it would shut up. Its whispering merely grew in speed and intensity, and while it did not move, its eyes reflected the television screen and widened and its small chest heaved as it rattled off. I turned up the volume and began flipping rapidly, infomercial then sports channel then a cartoon, then suddenly his face was on the screen, tongue lolling out and blue face gasping for air and mercy and the thing was in front of me and in front of the television, facing me, gibbering and staring and I screamed over it and the television and the room went dark
Ch 12
This is too much, and I understand now the extent of blind terror the idea of certain death instinctively brings about in people. I have known the thrill of killing and the fear of being caught, but neither the idea of retribution nor of my life itself ending were ever real to me.
The mere thought of this thing, however, drives a black and bleak and cold and nearly unbearable fear to my core, let alone the feeling that I get when I feel it mulling about my room at night or when I awake to find small bruises, cuts, and white chalky smudges on my person.
I want to kill it, but I don’t know what would happen if I tried. I don’t know what to do.
Ch 13
I’ll say it here. Maybe it will help. It has been a while, but
I killed him.
It’s all clean, but I did it. He looked at me and looked at me and looked at me and would not stop. I should have known he would never stop. I knocked him down and strangled him until his throat collapsed under my thumbs and I dumped the body somewhere far away.
At first I had nightmares about him screaming then wheezing then his eyes and skin bursting like blood and confetti. I had them every night.
Then the police left, and I was left to read in my warm bed with my cat sleeping alongside me or pawing at the pages. The investigation ceased, the nightmares ceased, and I was at peace. Then the humming started.
The humming and the warmth all over and I can see its reflection in my computer monitor
Ch 14
My home, my bed, my person, and now my dreams. I’m having nightmares again, but they’re much, much worse. In my dreams it’s there. It has no eyes, but it stands tall and with its wide mouth and talks to me and laughs at me and screams and looks ready to devour me. Sometimes I understand its words and sometimes they’re incomprehensible, but whenever I wake up I cannot remember their precise nature. The dreams feel dark and hot and cramped and I wonder if anything worse could possibly happen to me if I die.
I wonder if it would depend on if it killed me or if someone else did.
Ch 15
Maybe I will do it. I have a pistol in a box in my bedroom closet, and if I were to fling the thing from its watching place down the stairs it would give me enough time to run and grab the gun.
I just wouldn’t be sure who to use it on.
I have worried about the thing reading these entries and figuring out my intentions, but I have not seen any evidence of it examining the keyboard or monitor. I comfort myself in regards to this matter by believing that its form of comprehension is much too primal and hunger-driven to allow for much complex thought.
Maybe I’m a fool.
Maybe it knows everything.
Regardless, it’s in my dreams and my brain and every waking moment and I am determined to end it.
Ch 16
I found my solution. I purchased a shotgun. If we’re both within range when I pull the trigger, it should do the trick. Wish me luck.
Ch 17
Why didn’t I die
Why didn’t it die
Ch 18
I don’t understand
I cleaned the carpet after before but now it’s soaked with blood
I
wonder if with the way my head is, looking at it is like a mirror because
I bled like a person and the thing bled black and it’s all everywhere and I haven’t looked in the mirror but I blasted half of its skull off and there’re bits of red and blue flesh everywhere and it’s still looking at me leering at me smiling at me spurting and bleeding at me
the keyboard is covered in my blood and I don’t know how long I can keep this up
I only have one idea left
I think I am going to go
far away.
—-
Written above are the journal entries of Christopher Young, found dead in a rock quarry next to the mutilated, partially decomposed, and recently moved remains of Shaun Dawes, his young neighbor and (former) friend. Dawes’s death was one of head trauma followed by strangulation, but Young’s cause of death is as of yet undetermined, though he was malnourished and his hygienic state was in vast disrepair. In fact, thanks to his physical and mental state leading up to his death, it is uncertain how he managed to drive the relatively great length from his home to the quarry in which he ended up.
It is also worth mentioning that neither fresh blood nor any of the firearms Young mentions in his writing were found in his home; all our forensics team found were older traces on the carpet and mantle corner that likely belonged to Dawes. We’re currently probing autopsy reports for any information they can provide on Young’s mental health from Dawes’s death onward and requesting further investigation by every department involved. All we have to go on in regards to Young apart from his cadaver’s physical state and these entries is virtually nil; as of my writing this, we haven’t come up with a single witness or piece of evidence outside of what I mentioned above, apart from an interview with “Daryl”, Christopher’s brother.
To be frank with you, even said interview with was fruitless; he was distraught at the death of his younger brother, but said that Young seemed perfectly content and had claimed he was going on a vacation and that his cat would only need to be taken care of for about a week minimum. The two bodies were found five days later in the quarry, meaning that if the older of the Young brothers is being truthful (and isn’t afflicted with his brother’s psychosis), Young’s physical and mental deterioration happened much more quickly than we had first assumed, and much more quickly than should have been possible.
I’ll keep you updated as we learn more, of course. It’s all very strange.
Thanks for the help.
Yours Truly, —– —–
—— Police Department
—
Credited to Strucci.
Copyright Statement: Unless explicitly stated, all stories published on Creepypasta.com are the property of (and under copyright to) their respective authors, and may not be narrated or performed under any circumstance.
That post was seven years ago…
Liked it a lot. Pretty creative!
did anyone else notice that there is no chapter 10?
Best I’ve seen, 10/10 everything was perfect, no nonesense, no misleading or confusion, very spicy
The way the creature grew seemed to represent his growing guilt and insanity. Very well written, which is rare here.
This story is definitely on my list of “worth the time spent to read”; but overall, 10/10 for the structure and well… everything involved in it.
Not bad, although it was a bit confusing halfway through.
So I did a readthrough of this amazing story and posted it on youtube for anyone who would like to listen as they read. I love this story and hope everyone enjoyed it as much as I did. Here is the link if you want to hear: http://youtu.be/LnWehhldDkY
This was amazing, 10/10 would have seconds.
In the beginning, I couldn’t help imagining one of the chapters was going to go
“chapter Today I took the little bastard back to the pet store. Apparently I was misled about what a great companion a blob monster would be for Mr. Paws.”
Really liked this story. It kept me guessing from the start. Like a lot of people, I loved the line about it not getting his cat. It’s great when a pasta can take a moment to be funny while still being creepy. Sometimes the phrasing was awkward, but I found the “slowly deteriorating narrator” style was well done.
I too wondered about the “chapters” format. You could probably go “entry 1,2, etc” without divulging just how much time has passed.
Otherwise exceedingly great job, 9/10.
…Wow. About midway through the entries, I kinda thought I knew where this was going(OEMGEE doppelganger takess his place&killz him!!1!), but it turned out to be quite different!
Very nice!
I’m pretty certain that the white thing was an embodiment of his guilt for a past murder. I think this partially because of how when he wounded it, he also got wounded himself.
Wouldn’t give a 10/10, but a 9.5/10, maybe 9.7/10.
I got confused as hell by the end (and I still kinda am) and that’s why I don’t calificate this pasta with a perfect score.
Anyways, I would eat this pasta over and over again.
Great work!
Somewhat.
Interesting twist.
So…for some reason i read that you killed it twice? because you say you killed it in chapter 13..and 16..?
A Passerby, the thing may have wanted to be friends at first, I agree. But then the thing started putting razor blades in his books and made his shampoo burn his scalp, I can imagine why the hatred would grow.
i don’t want to turn around now
I found the time line in this story confusing and overall there was too much ambiguity for my liking. I actually had to go back an re-read it after it was explained in the comments to figure out how the neighbor fit in to the story at all.
Yumm, good pasta, i like how much of a mind fuck this was, and how your perception can tots change how you saw the story, i agree with the earlier comment of Poe-esque you cant go wrong with Poe, 9/10
TL; DR
Wow.
That was the best story i’ve read in a while.
Perfect pasta.
I loved it, this is way better than Squidward’s suicide and the story where all water is evaporated. GOOD JOB!
10/10
As a writer myself did not find a mistake of any nature, just one ortographic mistake but nonetheless good job. This will keep me inspired into continuing my third novel. Just a little mesmerized with how the protagonist was able to carry on with his life. Honestly. Would you try to go out of the room to go to the shop if there was some creature awaiting you with killing intent? Certainly me not! But that’s what I like of these stories, they are not necessarily 100% realistic and we can play with the fantasy border a little bit.
KUDOS, Strucci. I salute you!
Creepy white thing was dead dude’s Nobody
GREAT STORY! As NomTheBrain said, IT MAY GET ME, BUT IT WON’T GET MY CAT. Nommy pasta is nommy. 9.5/10
Ch 11, the him that shows up on the television, blue and gasping, is the neighbour, not the white thing.
Ch 13. The him mentioned there is not the thing, it is the neighbour. Note that he said that he dumped him \"far away\", same as where he thinks he is going in the last chapter.
Then that after the police left, the humming started, mentioned in the prologue.
So…he kills his neighbour. The police talk to him, etc, but he gets away with it apparently. Then 2 weeks later the thing appears and his guilt takes a toll and 5 days later (19 days after killing his neighbour) he ends up dumped in the same quarry as his neighbour, half starved.
Maybe the thing drained his energy, perhaps it was a manifestation of his own guilt, perhaps it was vengence from beyond the grave…either way, he got dumped in the quarry, very dead.
Nice story.
IT MAY GET ME, BUT IT WON’T GET MY CAT.
i dont get it
Good Pasta. I believe the growing pasty Thing was a manifestation of Christopher’s guilt. His neighbor was murdered just prior to the events of the story.
Great story.
The ending was interesting and it really kept that hook.
This story was amazing! You made the story sound so real.
Personaly, I would’ve been freaked out and killed the thing right away. Bury it in 30 ft feed ditch make have a metal coffin with its own chains inside and out.
And if it did find a way to cheat death..
well i wouldve killed myself right away.
Great story!
9.5/10
fantastic story, it has to be the best i’ve read in ages and for thwt i aplaude you
As others mentioned before, this reminded me o Tell-Tale Heart so much, on of my all time favorite Edgar Allen Poe stories. Bravo! 8/10
This gave me nightmares!
This is one of my favorite pastas. It’s unique and really scared me the first time I read it. Confusing though… 100/10
That was awesome
That was awesome
That was awesome
I think this is great. It didn\\\’t give too many answers, which I tend to find quite annoying. It was just right.
I\’d take whatever he\’s smoking. Anyway, it made the story seem weird when, having a friend at his house everyday for the past few days, in everywhere he shouldn\’t be and thinking of him as an evolving blob or something.
He\’s taking something reaaaally… Good.
Love it. Love it love it love it. Didn’t actually freak me out, and it sort of confused me near the end, but I LOVED it. 9/10.
Where can I buy one of those evolving blob things? :D
I really liked this one. It kept me interested through out the whole entire thing. Which is a first for me!!
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!
10/10
LOVE THIS SO MUCH
10/10 !!!
I\’ll answer other stuff later, but Anon- the name of the police officer character (maybe detective? I\’m not sure) who sent the email is \"Aaron Frost\". I almost put it in the story but I wanted it to be centered more around the series of weird events than extraneous stuff. I\’m sure I\’ll end up using him later, though :)
Also I\’m terrible about replying to questions, but again, thanks so much to all of you for reading what I wrote and taking it seriously. I\’ve had a couple bad experiences that kind of deterred and disheartened me, but people reading this (especially because it could easily be dismissed as derivative/pretentious tl;dr) and analyzing it is really, really surprising and fun for me. It isn\’t even about people liking the story (not that there\’s a problem with that derp) but about people interpreting it and giving their side of it, how they would have liked it to have gone, what they liked and disliked, and that sort of thing. I\’m (obviously) a huge nerd and that\’s the sort of thing I love doing, and people bothering to do it for some story I wrote is really, really cool and encouraging, especially when people have no obligation to read/like it in the first place. So basically thanks again to all of you guys, I really appreciate it. :)
I really liked it, good pasta. As soon as you quoted Edgar allen poe’s work with the “beating beneath the floorboards” line I knew he had murdered someone. I love how you hinted at the fact that he killed someone through the entire thing, and the end sort of leaves you wondering…
… was the young man writing a story, and then fell into a psychosis thinking the story was real life? Or something?
BUT WHO WAS POLICE DEPARTMENT?
Damn, I kinda feel like apologizing to Strucci for the twittish ones who decide to drag their meat heads over to the computer to type up either asinine shite or to make themselves feel smarterer by dumping all over your truly amazing work. Seriously, guys, every damn thing that gets posted to this site has to be run through the ringer like this? I’m sorry if the author thought that it’d be eerier to have the blob-thing transform into a human-like creature, but from the bottom of my heart, I would like to say, perhaps for the first time to some of you, the world certainly does not revolve around your ego and sagacious likes and dislikes. Really. I know. Hard to believe.
And, “a rip-off of the tale tale heart much *insert jealousy and rudeness*”? Really? Let’s see you do a modernized version of a Poe story. Really. Post it. By the by, are you aware that there have been MANY authors who have “modernized” or re-done many a horror classic, usually with kick-ass results? Maybe if you read actual, I don’t know, BOOKS once in awhile, that may have dawned on you. Clive Barker comes to mind, as does the guy who did “Mr. Murder” (his name slips my mind at the moment). Barker did a revitalized version of “The Murders in the Rue Morgue”, and the other, much less talented guy did “Frankenstein” recently. But I don’t think I would go near that one, myself.
Anyway, too many dumb, nit-picky comments (mostly not using proper grammar, and some using the cowardly guise of Anon) to point out for their fallacies, I’ll just move on from my diatribe.
Mind you, I am not meaning people who actually left constructive criticism; keep doing what you’re doing, guys, writers NEED YOU. Just remember, it’s HARD to let people read your stuff in real life and have them tell you what was wrong with it in the first place, let alone let the internet have at it like a pinata. Chill. The. Hell. Out. People.
You did an amazing job, Strucci, and I would have paid to read this in an anthology or magazine. Not kissing your ass or nothin’, because I would say that I think that some of the typing could have reflected the degeneration of the narrator’s mind, in such a way that his typing fails as his mind “rots”, leading to misspellings and ramblings. Maybe for the sake of believability, it could be noted where the police or whoever was in charge of ediitng the mess had left part of his ramblings out in parenthesis, such as (for the sake of accuracy, passages have been omitted).
That would be a doozy of an editing job, and I don’t blame you if you would not want to do it. I only mention it, because I read a similar style of writing in a short story by Stephen King, about a man who keeps a diary as he goes insane and dies of starvation on a rocky island he’s stranded on. It’s more modern, but I can see how the style you’ve already chosen seems to be reminiscent of a bygone era, where people were more narrative. I do love the prologue, as it seems to suggest, early on, the man’s state of mind, thus plunging the reader into a sense of unease, wondering if the narrator is, indeed, reliable or simply batshit insane.
By the way, I very rarely ever think of a music video by the band “Tool” when I read a story, but this story thoroughly puts a person in the mood to watch one.
An amazing pasta. Original concept and well writing that sent genuine chills down my spine. 9/10
I disagree with the person who commented that the thing should have stayed more blob like. I thought that the fact that it became more humanoid showed the narrators slipping sanity. Thinking about it, it makes sense that it’s a kid. The first description of it’s mouth “tiny teeth”, really should have sparked that for me.
I also disagree with the person who said it’s superior to Tell Tale Heart. It was a wonderful modernization of the classic, but in my opinion, nothing can trump Edgar for portrayal of madness.
Wonderful pasta, all together. I actually didn’t notice the lack of chapter 10. I guess I numbered it mentally. I haven’t read in a while, and this was a good thing to get my feet wet again. Great job!
Brilliant! I really enjoyed it, especially the build up to finding out what actually happened.
This isn’t a criticism by any means, but , if I were you, I probably would have left out any clues as to the length of time between Dawes’ death and Young’s subsequent suicide. That way, it leaves the “real” story more up to interpretation.
In other words, either:
– Young killed Dawes, and the killer’s guilt manifested into the ghostly white thing, tormenting him until he killed himself
or
– (the way I first thought it was) that Young was with the living Shaun Dawes that whole time, hallucinating that his young neighbour was this monster until he finally snapped and killed both of them
That was awesome!!
it was okay, there were a few instances where he spoke in the past tense when it would have been correct to speak in present tense and the actions taken by the protagonist were not very believable, like writing a journal about it instead of flipping the fuck out and getting the hell out of the house.
I loved this story. It kept my appeal and interest throughout and I am glad I read it. 9/10 because of lack of Chapter 10, but it’s not too major… heh
LMAO
Save YOURSELF not the friggin’ CAT!! XDDDD
hmm…so maybe when the dude killed the neighbor, the neighbor started haunting him and not taking on his past form, decided to shapeshift into something more grotesque and decides too torture his murderer??? A bit confusing, But verrrryy good!! Seriously, this should be published.
10/10!!
Perfect. 10/10.
The only problem is there was no chapter 10.
Other than that, wonderful, creepy, strange, and I’m kinda confused. WHO WAS MONSTER?!
You’re my favorite.
Also, dude’s a dick for not going out for pizza and watching Flapjack with the blobbything. I mean, shit, it’s the least he could do after killing the guy, y’know?
P.S. BEST EPILOGUE EVER
Oh wow. Uhm…
Thank you people who get it, comments help.
Crazy guy kills neighbor. Neighbor is back in his house. AS JACK SKELLINGTON!
But… I thought he killed the white creepy Jack Skellington dude, and then I was like, “he killed it twice?” so…
Just a little hard to follow if you’re reading fast. I did enjoy it though.
way better than predecessor The tell-tale heart !
9/10
Holy crap!!! That was one of the awesomest creepypastas I’ve ever read. Nice use of vocabulary. The way you described everything was so spine-chilling. At first, glancing at this, I was like TL;DR but then I got hooked on it, and I gotta say, this was pure awesome. It is a very awesome adaptation of the Tell-Tale Heart
I really enjoyed this story! I was about to do something else when I read the first few lines and couldn’t give up on it. I was so creeped out that I actually kept glancing out my open bedroom door!
Excellent work, bravo!
Amazing. 10/10! very great story. loved the detail used and the word choice was phenominal. Keep writing this great pasta :D
Anon- did you miss the point? lol.
umm… rip off of the telltale heart much….
Nice pasta! For me 10/10! Some noticeable mistakes, but who cares! Nom nom nom.
That made no sense at all. I still loved it.
that was absolutely fantastic. i wish i could write like that. was the white thing his guilt over killing his neighbor? was the implication that once it (being his guilt) got to be too big he just snapped? or maybe im just reading too deep into it lol. but good story overall. 9/10
Loved this, gotta say it’s my favorite Pasta so far.
9/10.
Great Pasta,
Although I think it would have been creepier if the blob stayed more “blob-like”…
Wow… just… WOW. I just re-started reading Creepypasta, and I have been amazed by what I’ve read thusfar. 9.5/10 for just one blatant error. This’ll be the third I’ve saved to my Creepypasta “Archives” here, along with “The Art of Jacob Emory”, and “The Doctor’s Orders”. Bravo, Strucci!
There is no Chapter 10!! Whyy???
D:> I loooooove it!
Very nice, kept me into it alllll the way through
I loved it!
I felt like a total creep, though, because “thing” was nothing but cute to me!
Especially after Chris compared it to his cat.
I-I kinda want one. D; Without the murder-your-neighbor requirement, though, please. I’d love it and pet it and call it George.
Unfortunately, because I have such a bizarre taste in “cute,” I spent more time feeling sorry for neighborkid than being creeped out.
It’ll haunt me as I go to bed rightfreakingnow, though. D; In the middle of the night my cat will push into my room and I’ll accidentally throw stuff at her. :c
Good work! Mail me a ghostmonster! D;
holy shit, this was incredible.it’s very unnerving and the best pasta i’ve read in a long time.
Woah, blown out of the water here! I agree with Reaveress on the fetus theory. It did seem like that to me, but I guess I was wrong. What I got out of it is a “Tell-tale Heart” theme to it. Well written, definately creepy, and it made me think. I like it. I admit, it was a little lengthy, though.
now, this one actually intrigued me. The story was interesting, and the writing was good, with few errors or repetitions, so that i was able to concentrate on the story instead or the writing (and this is very good)
i like the concept of the “creature” growing more and more humanoid day by day, and the twist in the final, with him writing things that didn’t happen, like the shotgun thing, and especially the fact that the creature may have in fact been his friend, were intriguing and lead to a very interesting final. Even if a couple of parts could have been done better, or explained a little more, i liked this, and it did freak me up a little.
I want one! It sounded so cute! :D
Fun stuff, strooch. Honestly, this truly reminds me that I myself should take up more reading and writing such as I did in the past. It used to be one of my greatest passions before I ignored it.
My critiques are insignificant, but I could tell you had fun doing this and put some immense thought into detail, as if you wanted to balance everything just correctly and that you were mulling this over in your mind for quite a while. I’m probably off the mark by a mile and a half. What else is new.
Anyways, your efforts payed off and I myself enjoyed it along with obviously a bunch of people who are more knowledgeable of writing than myself. All said, I hope to read some more of your work, and that you enjoy the coming complements.
Perhaps that thing was his growing conscience and guilt manifested by his mental illness.
I will be blunt.
This story was absolutely marvelous.
I loved it and I even plan on saving it to my file of excellent creepy stories. I will recommend this to anyone who wants a good read.
Good show.
–Char Mander
Amazing pasta, didnt really understand it until I read the comment explaining it. But its really great, 9/10 :)
Anybody else picture Killface from Frisky Dingo as the “White Thing”?
im gonna have nightmares……….. im only twelve
I liked :)8/10
I really liked this pasta. 8/10. Only one noticeable typo, very good flow, nice and descriptive but also mysterious.
Nom nom nom.
ble mae chapter ten?
That was amazing.
The Intruder will never stop.
It was long so shockingly I read the whole thing and did infact enjoy it
Hmm. How fun.
Love it. I like the ambiguity, and how it leaves the reader scratching his head, much like the police in the story. A lot of creepypasta readers are too lazy to try to figure something out, or too stupid to realize you’re not *supposed to*, so I wouldn’t pay a lot of mind to those comments.
Other than that– omnom, tasty pasta.
Holy shit, I haven’t read antyhing this good on this website in a long time. “Tell Tale Heart: Redux” Completely agree with that. This story is very Edgar Allen Poe-esque but in a modern way. I really hope we see more of this kind of story.
I think he killed his neighbour, and the guilt took form of the white thing
guy is found malnourished and bony?
either the white thing was a depiction of the narrator who slowly started to look more and more like it or it is the inverse of father from fullmetal alchemist. Maybe both.
the way you explained it it sounds like an ghouls from fallout seires but its almino
Tasty pasta was tasty.
but.. who was white lumpy child?
I liked it, indeed. But I was kinda meh at the ending simply because I sort of expected it? I’m not sure what it was that made that predictable for me, maybe I’ve simply been reading too much :P In any case, it was a good pasta. I really liked the creepy details. I liked the ending but like I said for some reason I saw that coming…so YMMV?
“tongue lolling out”
^ lol
Seriously though, pretty unnerving.
Tasty. Would eat again.
Interesting.
I loved it. It was bizarre and different
Very good. I really liked this.
However, I feel like it could have been tighter and shorter; at times it dragged a little. Also, it would have been nice if the twist was a bit clearer. I was left confused instead of shocked.
This is what I’m thinking happened.
This guy went insane and killed this kid and buried his body somewhere, then went all delusional and started having visions of this growing thing.
Then he has a delusion of killing the thing and going and burying it, when he’s really going and retrieving the body, then he starts going more insane so he takes the body of the kid to the quarry and kills himself
I liked it btw
I loved it C: ha ha. its not short no. But i do love a long one every now and then. C: this pasta was a great way to start my ghost story night <3 mmmm
Best pasta in a while. 8/10 Beautifully written.
meh, i liked the style but it wasnt outstanding to me.
Damn, first good pasta i’ve read in a good while, thanks man, KEEP THIS SHIT UPPPPPP!
I like how you allude that the book was The Telltale Heart, or at least an anthology including it.
Thanks to all of you guys, too. The positive feedback is really encouraging :)
lolitsatarp and first timer- Haha yaaay you guys got it c:
Also, first timer- I’d planned to actually have dates on the entries, but if I had I wouldn’t have been able to do the ONLY FIVE DAYS bit at the end. The chapters are kind of arbitrary honestly and probably could have taken place at any time during the five days (though the beginning, middle, and end are grouped together somewhat).
MisterVercetti- Hahahaha oops. You know when I had a rough draft sent to a friend I accidentally had chapter nine twice. I guess in making sure I only had one nine, an innocent Ch 10 was caught in the crossfire
That guy- Thanks! I tried to think of an appropriate pun title and that was the first I came up with (I have the story saved under the file name “white” or something but I wanted a better name as I went along).
Creepy mole- Does it get better or worse, haha?
hurrdurr- Haha I really appreciate the defense and you liking it enough to defend it but people can have whatever opinion they want on what I write. If a 7/10 is the worst that I get then I’ll be more than happy c:
balls mahoney and twistofcain (and anyone else who didn’t get it)- The story is a set of journal entries found on someone’s computer. The guy kills his neighbor and as time passes this freaky thing sort of forms and follows him and haunts him and torments him. Eventually, he dies. The whole thing is an email sent from a police officer to a criminal psychologist or something in order to get more insight on the case.
If you’re confused as to whether the thing was a ghost or the guy was crazy or what have you, I know where I was going there but I left the end fairly ambiguous. Read into it whatever you want :)
it just wanted to be your friend
Very good, best in a while. I’m pleased to see that you knew to make it perfect, you had to leave enough mystery – which took it from good to great.
Again, nice.
Absolutely loved it. Particularly enjoyed the Telltale heart allusion. Out of curiosity, was there some William Wilson in there as well? That’s what I got out of the idea that he could kill the apparition of he killed himself… sort of a spector-doppleganger fusion thing.
The “chapters” were a bit oddly structured (I think dates probably would have been less confusing), but overall, the best pasta I’ve seen in months.
Liked it, but was a little confused as to the passage of time and the # of journal entries (I guess there could have been more than one entry per day, or it might have seen longer than 5 days to the guy, but loved that it was basically a homage of the Telltale Heart.
BUT WHO WAS GHOST SHOTGUN?
@slenderman
i guess it’s good no one gives a shit what you think
I don’t get it at all.
can someone explain what this story even means…
I for one thought this was absolutely outstanding. a little long perhaps, but well-written and based on a good idea 9/10. Kudos to Strucci
Finally!
Not tl;dr, but I didn’t accidentally the whole thing this time!
Great work!
i
am confused.
but in a good way.
good things, good things.
The title only makes this pasta better.
Loved it on the forums, and love it here. 9/10. Well done sir.
Well done 8.5/10
BUT WHO WAS CHAPTER 10?
On a more serious note, I liked it. Left a lot of ambiguity, and not everything was spelled out, which left a sense of mystery that I love in stories like this.
I think I’m gonna have to read this again. I thought the narrative was quite nice, but then it turned into… mindfuck!
It does look good though. Let’s see how it tastes a second time…
Tell Tale Heart: Redux
I loved this story.
I enjoy most of the stories written about madness.
9/10!!
Thanks, guys c:
I was worried about it being confusing and too long but I’d tinkered with it forever and I wasn’t sure what to add in or cut out. I also always wanted the ending to stay a little ambiguous, but I will say this-keep in mind the story starts out “two weeks later”- by that I (or the narrator whatever) meant two weeks after Young killed Dawes. Other than that, interpret it however you want.
swuuuu- honestly, the only validation I have for that choice is that the narrator is kind of crazy and also likes to read
if there’d been an epilogue it would have been something like WELL DANG I AM DEAD
When I started writing this I had included a little more of the narrator comparing the thing to a fetus, but decided to cut that here and there and suggest more that as the thing grew, so did the narrator’s problems/psychosis (depending on how you look at it).
A Passerby- turns out in the nightmares the thing kept repeating DUDE LET’S GET PIZZA over and over
also Chris kept flipping channels when all it wanted to do was watch Flapjack that how mean :c
During the first half, I was like, “Oh, I get it, it’s being written by a pregnant woman who’s terrified of giving birth, clever!” Then it took a HARD left. I’m highly impressed and pleased by my expectations being defied but not disappointed.
A pregnant woman?
How?
Because it’s growing body parts and getting more human, coming from a blob of cells and tissues. I actually thought the narrator might be pregnant too, especially when he/she said “I bled”.
Very nice work. I liked the general instability of the narrator and the questions left lingering at the end. Just enough was explained to whet the reader’s appetite, yet enough was left unresolved to make one question the events and how they all connected together.
Also: That little gibbering monster was totally a bro and the narrator was a jerk for hating him so much. Little guy was just trying to make friends.
Yea, for some reason people get pissed at me too when I poison their food and put razors in their books.
I rather liked this one…. although I’m not entirely sure I understood it as it was meant to be understood. Was the chalky ghost simply the protagonist’s delusional view of his neighbour? Up until about half way through the description of the ‘thing’ sounded like the writer was subtley alluding to a foetus…. but that didn’t pan out.
Like I said, a bit confusing – but I was really into it – it was well written and kept my attention (all I can ask from a Creepypasta, really!).
That was pretty spanking and kept me into it and interested the entire way through, which is difficult for it being so long. 8/10
Enjoyed it on the forums and enjoyed it here. 8/10.
So, the thing was his friend’s ghost?
Nom Nom Nom….Good Pasta…..
Who writes a “prologue” in their own journal?
“It may get me, but it won’t get my cat.”
¬_¬ Good. Your priorities are in order then.
Also, nice pasta. Almost tl;dr, meaning that it could have been shortened a little. But it wasn’t horrible pasta. 7/10.
It was alright but i didnt really get it haha i just dont know so there was really no ghost or what ?? :S
Then who was growing white thing?
Seriously, he saw the neighbour as a white,clumbersome,gross and growing thing? whoa
uh so murderer went crazy? cnt say it was amazing but it was very nice
it was pretty good….
That was delicious. =D Hardly any mistakes, and they didn’t pull me out of the story. Bravo.
Wow. 9/10
I liked it :D
First!