Was It Worth It

This is it for me, I am damned. I don’t know where I’m going afterwards, but it’s probably nowhere good. After everything I’ve done, I don’t deserve to go to the good place, wherever that good place is. Where would the bad place be? Hell? Some other horrible place where I would spend eternity paying for the things I’ve done? Ah fuck who am I kidding? They already told me where I would be going. A place for traitors. A special, horrible place for traitors. Fuck…

How did it come to this? How did I end up in this situation? Why did I ever accept that invitation? What the fuck was I thinking?! I need to focus… Just focus… I am going to tell you something, with what little time I have left. This is not just a story, it is a warning. A warning about the world as you know it, about the people you idolize, and about the entertainment you love. You will hate me by the end of this. You will call me a monster, a woman who deserves to die and burn forever, and you’re probably right. But I need to tell you this, so that you can avoid making the same mistakes I did, and you can still keep yourself. You’ll find out what I mean soon enough.

All my life I wanted to be an actress. I was a huge movie girl, and I idolized different actors and actresses. I wanted the awards, I wanted the autographs. I wanted to be a star. My parents didn’t approve of this of course. They wanted me to do something else, something more successful. They told me I wouldn’t make it, and that I should quit. But I didn’t. I went to auditions, whether it was as an extra or even a minor character in a movie, tv show. Whatever I could get. I landed a few roles.

A side character in a couple episodes of some cop show, another minor role in a romantic comedy movie, and an even smaller role in a drama movie. I knew that it was going to be hard, but there was a point where I was beginning to get scared. I didn’t want to prove my family right and come back empty handed. I didn’t want the shame and humiliation. My parents didn’t speak to me during that time. They were still angry that I went against their wishes and went my own way. That only steeled my resolve to make it in the industry.

Finally, I was given my big break. One day, I heard of a casting call for some horror movie called Nights. I won’t spoil you with the details, but it was a pretty big deal, as a pretty known director was put in charge. Daniel Gallardo. The man that would change my life. For the better, and for the worst. But I’m getting ahead of myself here. I was one of a hundred actors to audition for the main role. I put in everything that I had, more than any role that I’ve been in, which to be fair I guess wasn’t saying much. Personally, I thought I did an ok job, and was convinced that the role was going to go to someone else. Then, about a week later, I received a call.

“Are you Arden Kim?”

“Yes.”

“Hi, this is Daniel Gallardo, I’m calling in regards to the role in Nights that you auditioned for?”

“Oh, uh yes.”

“Well, you got the part. How soon can you come out to Germany?” That was where they were filming. I was overjoyed, and I flew out there as soon as I could. Daniel Gallardo seemed like a nice guy. He was a very dedicated filmmaker and a big time horror guy. I actually watched a couple of his movies when he first came to prominence. He made me feel comfortable and took the pressure off of me, despite this being my first big role in a major movie. And it was the main character, by the way. I can barely remember what the movie was about anymore. That time in my life is such a blur now. Not that it matters anyway.

The movie was a success to say the least. The visuals, the story, the scares, and the acting were all considered top-notch to critics and general audiences. There were a few critics and nay-sayers who said otherwise, but the movie was still successful nonetheless. I had gotten my big break. I did press tours with my co-star, with the director, and my name was now up there. But something else had happened during that time, one that never made the headlines. Daniel and I became close. Closer than I had intended.

Shortly after the movie was released, Daniel and I began a relationship. Daniel wasn’t married, had no kids, and for an experienced director was still very young, early thirties. I would like to go on record and say that Daniel didn’t force me into this. Even with everything that happened afterward and all that went wrong, I loved him back and wanted the relationship as much as he did. We kept it on the low, and we thought that it was best that we didn’t make our next movie together, or else people would be suspicious. I worked with another director for the next film, this one a suspense thriller. It didn’t do as good as Nights, but it still did relatively well, and my career was still very much on track.

I called my parents to tell them that I had finally made it, but they still wouldn’t talk to me. Even with my success, my family still wanted nothing to do with me. It broke my heart, and I was devastated. It would seem as if I had achieved my dream, and I had no one to celebrate it with. Just Daniel. As a result of this, we grew closer, and we started sleeping together. I was lonely, heartbroken, and I latched onto the first person who was there for me. Little did I know that that would be the start of my downfall.

***

One night, Daniel invited me to a party, which would be hosted by Henry Blackstone. Blackstone is a big time Hollywood executive, who owns multiple media companies, and is considered one of the wealthiest men in the entire world. If I was being honest, even hearing interviews and stories about him, I didn’t really like the guy. He seemed like a pompous, arrogant asshole who was unashamed to admit he had money, in the most shameless ways possible. I initially didn’t want to go, but eventually relented at Daniel’s insistence. He said it would be important for the both of us. I was so foolish for believing him…

The party was lavish, too fancy for my liking, and I immediately felt discomfort. The people were nice enough, and Daniel made sure that he was with me. We met many other actors and celebrities in the business, including some in the music, and fashion industry. But Blackstone, curiously enough, was nowhere to be found. I had just assumed that he had been lost in the crowd, and would make his rounds over to me eventually. But he never did. In fact the guy never showed up. My co-star from Nights was also there, Shane Steward. The party was surprisingly normal. We just talked, shook hands with people, caught up with people that I knew and recognized. But I still didn’t understand how this was important for the both of us.

I actually asked Daniel this, and he told me that I’d see. Foolishly, I trusted him. I stuck around, I met more of the guests, including a Chinese film star, an actress from Korea, a Hollywood executive who talked to me about potential film opportunities for me in the future, which at the time got me excited. At around 3AM, the party began to die down, with only a handful of people still around. Jonathan Steinberg, a Hollywood producer and director, David Rudolf, an actor and model, fashion designer Mara Voroskoff, wealthy businessman and entrepreneur Charles Ketching, actresses Medina Bethel and Celia Rodriguez, adult film actress Ashley Auford, congressman Anthony Effers, British labor party politician Keith Rabbits, Saudi prince Munir Al-Saud, the Chinese actor I met from earlier, named Liu Wei, and Shane Steward. Daniel and I were the last two. There were footsteps further in the house that drew closer, and a man came into view.

That’s when I finally saw Henry Blackstone. For a man in his seventies, he looked surprisingly good. Looking like a man in his early sixties, he had only slightly greying hair that was combed back, with some wrinkles on his face, wearing a black suit. “Welcome to the after party, everyone!” he announced, drawing some chuckles from the crowd. “We have a new guest with us tonight. Arden Kim.” The group turned and clapped for me, and I gave a small wave, and a shy polite smile.

I glanced uncomfortably at Daniel, who gave me a reassuring smile, but I could see anxiety underneath it. He was worried now. Blackstone’s face suddenly turned serious. “Now. Ms. Kim, what I am about to show and tell you about is something that cannot leave this room or this house. Whether you accept our offer or not, you will not speak about this to anyone you love, and to anyone who speaks to you. If you do, there will be consequences, not just for you, but for all of us as well.

I frowned, and looked around at everyone in the room, including Daniel. They were all serious, not grim or concerned the way Daniel was, but with stony, sullen expressions. “Follow me…” I followed close behind the group, staying close to Daniel, who wouldn’t say anything to me. Blackstone came to a wall in the back of his home, and pressed on a panel, which revealed an elevator. We climbed in, and Blackstone pressed a button for a floor that had no label or number. It was just a plain red button. No one said anything as it went down for what felt like forever. During this time my discomfort began to turn into fear. With their stone-faced expressions and refusal to look me in the eye, I began to worry that they were going to kill me or maybe even worse, blackmail me with something.

I’d heard the horror stories of things happening to actresses and young women in general in Hollywood. I felt my heart rate pick up, and I pressed ever so subtly against the back wall. Daniel didn’t say anything, but did inch closer to me. I saw Blackstone pull out his phone and dial a number before holding it up to his ear. After a couple seconds, he said, “We’re ready. Prepare the room.” Then he hung up the phone. I looked at Daniel and mouthed “The room?” Daniel only shook his head at me, and was facing ahead. Now I was fucking afraid. What were they going to do to me? Was this some sick joke? Some initiation?

I swallowed and gasped quietly as the elevator hit the ground with a jolt. The elevator opened, where two men in suits and wearing dark red masks that resembled the faces of bulls, were waiting for us. They nodded to us and stepped aside for Blackstone, everyone else followed. When we stepped out, it was like being in a whole new world. It looked like the inside of some giant, gothic castle, with sculptures of naked, inhuman beings in various poses lining the walls. I don’t know how else to describe it. They looked vaguely human, with two arms and two legs like a human, with feminine and masculine bodies, but their hands and faces looked… off.

That’s the best I can say. It was like giant, deformed humans. Anyways, it didn’t stop there. Standing on either side of the hall were the guards, all wearing similar bull masks and carrying rifles. They nodded at Blackstone, barely acknowledged the others, and eyed me suspiciously. “It’s all right, boys,” said Blackstone, “She’s joining us. Hopefully.” “Joining what?” I asked. “You’ll see.”

The further down we got, the more aggressive the statues appeared. Until finally, we got to The Throne. A giant chair made up of carved stone, marble, and other things that I couldn’t identify, with two horned skulls at the end of the armrests. Sitting atop of it was a statue of a towering bull-like creature, with the body of a masculine man, and the head of a monstrous bull, its long horns jutting out and nearly touching the ceiling.

I froze in fear, practically trembling at the fee of this great beast, even though it was just a statue. I watched as Blackstone and all the others fell on their hands and knees in prayer and worship of this statue. What the hell was going on? What was this shit? “My lord, we have a new servant for you. If it is your will, show her the darkness, and what it has to offer.” I took a couple steps back, but I saw the guards move in, weapons ready. They weren’t letting me leave. Blackstone stood up and turned to look at me. “Our success is owed to Him, Ms. Kim. He and many others.” I gazed up at the statue, which I swear was looking right back at me.

I looked back at Daniel, who was still praying. “This is a joke, right? T-this has to be a fucking joke! What the fuck is this?” Blackstone gave an eerie grin and slowly approached me, extending his hand. “It’s your chance to have everything you’ve ever wanted.” “You don’t even know what I want.”

Blackstone continued, unfazed. “Daniel told me all about it, don’t worry. I know about your family, I know about your thirst and desire for success, for fame, for wealth. I can give you that. HE can give you that. All that is required is that you give yourself over to Him. Surrender your mind, body, and spirit to the Mighty One, and you will get everything that you desire.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know whether to be terrified at what I was getting myself into, or if I should be angry at Daniel for getting me into this. But yet, I didn’t refuse. Not immediately at first. I couldn’t explain it, it was like there was some kind of supernatural temptation. The thought that I could get all the success and fame that I wanted from a simple deal was enticing. After fighting for what felt like forever to make it in the business, the idea that I could get a way in without constantly fighting for it lured me in. There was one other thing that you need to know about me if you want to understand why I ultimately took the deal.

I don’t have a lot of self-confidence. Despite all my big dreams and all my ambition, I did not really believe even in myself that I could do it. Even when I was successful in life, I never gave myself credit. I always worried that my success was a fluke and that I just got lucky. When I scored the winning hit for my volleyball team that gave us the championship, I wondered if it was a fluke, and spent weeks trying to replicate it in order to tell myself that it was my skill. When I got the lead role in my school play in my junior year, I worried that it was because the other candidates dropped out or let me have it. Yeah, it was that bad, and it weighed on me. If I failed, I would cry and curse myself for being such a failure, and if I succeeded, I would spend days stressed out and anxious, wondering if this was really what I thought it was, and would eventually lead to tears and cursing myself for being such a loser.

It didn’t get any better when I got into acting. In fact, it got worse. There were days that I didn’t sleep, and while I tried to talk to what few friends I kept in contact with after graduation, their lives were going in so many different directions that they could never be there for me. On top of that, my parents didn’t want to talk to me, leaving me all alone. The night before I got the phone call for my first big role in Nights, I had hit my breaking point and had given up on myself. The stress, the anxiety, and the loneliness had eaten me alive, and I decided to end it.

I had written a goodbye letter, hoping that whoever found this would give it to my friends and family. I apologized for not listening to them, for all the fights we had over this, for telling them that I hated them before storming out the door, for not going to college, for leaning on my friends for their support in a dream that I admittedly used to sometimes boast about to them. After that, I hung a rope from the ceiling fan of my apartment, slipped it around my neck, and kicked the stool out from underneath me. But I couldn’t go through with it. I fought against the rope, eventually pulling it off of my neck and sending me crashing to the ground.

After about thirty minutes of crying, I told myself to pull it together, and that I would make it eventually. But believe it or not, this continued even after I made it big with Nights, or my relationship with Daniel. Yeah, I’m a mess. If making this deal, whatever it was, would mean that I would finally stop worrying and that I would finally let go of these parts of myself. Maybe I could finally stop panicking and worrying about my life. So finally, I said, “I’ll do it.”

Blackstone smiled and the others stood up and formed a welcoming semi circle which surrounded me. There was a circle at the feet of the statue, which opened up like a spiral, revealing a large stone altar from within it. It was pitch black, with carvings of the bull creature’s head on each corner. I swallowed as I was guided by two guards who took me by both arms. I trembled with fear as I was made to lie down on my back on the altar’s surface, extending my arms and legs out to each corner, which were then tied down tight to each of the carved horns.

As I strained my neck to look at the rest of them, I saw that they had thrown on black cloaks, putting on masks similar to the ones the guards wore, except they were gray. Blackstone did not however, and remained in his black suit. I squirmed in my restraints and felt a tense lump build in my throat. My eyes turned back up to the ceiling, where the towering statue loomed over me. It was like a giant monster bearing down on me, and I expected it at any point to turn its head and look down on me. But it didn’t. At least not right then. Then the group began to chant. It sounded like Latin, but it just felt off. It was like a completely alien language, and even hearing it sent chills down my spine and filled my body with dread.

I began to hyperventilate as I saw the two guards bring a black cloth and placed it over my head, and secured it on my face. The cloth stuck to my breath as I breathed in and out frantically. Sweat began pouring down my face, mixing with the tears leaking from my eyes, creating a salty pool that soaked the cloth and stuck to my face as my breath became bubbly. I am having regrets now. I struggled against my bindings as the chanting grew louder. “Please! I changed my mind, just let me go! I won’t tell anyone this happened!” My pleas were difficult to say through the cloth, but I persisted anyway. But it was too late. I had agreed to do it, and now whatever happened next would happen.

“Your servant, my lord!” Blackstone announced as the chanting grew louder and more aggressive, “We pray that you accept her, welcome her to our people!” I whimpered and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that this was all a nightmare and that maybe I would wake up drunk upstairs, or asleep in Daniel’s arms on the bed. But when I opened my eyes again, I was still there, laying on that altar. Closing my eyes did not change anything, did not give me an escape. There was a loud rumbling, and what sounded like deep growl from a colossal beast resounded throughout the cave, shaking me to my core, and even causing the altar to tremble. I gasped and began shaking uncontrollably, as through the cloth I saw the silhouette of the statue standing up, hunched over and kneeling over the small altar. I began openly sobbing and begging for my life, as I saw the beast kneel down and bring its face almost directly in front of mine.

I gagged and nearly vomited in my mouth as I felt its steaming, vile breath that flooded my nostrils and was licked with a large slimy tongue oozing with burning hot saliva that seared my skin. I can’t describe what happened to me after that. One, because I don’t really remember everything that actually happened, and also because the parts that I do remember I cannot comprehend into words. The best that I can say is that it was a mix of unholy pain, terror, and… pleasure. That’s all I can say. It was demonic. You can say it. I’ll say it too. That was the moment I sold my soul, like all the others.

Just before I woke up, I had a vivid dream. I dreamed that I had everything that I ever wanted. A loving husband, children, money, fame, success, my parents loving me, great friends. I remember in that dream that I had never felt so happy in my entire life. It was everything that I wanted. Exactly what was promised to me. I think in that dream it was a birthday party for me. My parents were in the room, smiling from ear to ear. All of my friends, both new and old were in the room, smiling and laughing. My child was in my arms, a little boy, who was looking up at me and smiling with a love that made me want to cry with joy. My husband was at my side, and we shared a kiss as he told me happy birthday. Then, a cake was brought out, my favorite kind with all of my favorite colors and flavors. I was so happy I was going to burst with excitement. In a loud, beautiful symphony, everyone in the room collectively sang me happy birthday. At the very end, I blew out all the candles, one by one, and the room erupted in cheer and clapping for me. I was smiling bigger than I ever had, it was so perfect.

But as I looked at the other end of the table, my smile faded. Sitting at the other end of the table, was a tall, bull-like creature, similar to the statue, only smaller. Covered in dark brown fur, with long bloodied ram horns, the beast sat in silence across from me, hot steam exhaling from his nose. It glared at me with its blood red, animalistic eyes, glowing with a mix of primal hate and a sinister intelligence. My blood ran cold and I was filled with terror. I went from being the happiest I’d ever been to being more lonely than I could ever imagined. Its eyes burned bright, so bright that it hurt to look at, and yet I couldn’t turn away. The sounds of all of my loved ones were drowned out, and I heard only the sounds of the bull creature. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t even scream. I just stared wide-eyed, my eyes burning with pain from gazing into its eyes, sheer terror gripping me. The beast stood up, glaring down at me, its ears flicking and it snorted.

Suddenly, as I looked around, I saw that everyone else in the room was disappearing, for lack of a better word. In reality, their bodies were literally coming apart, piece by painful piece. I could hear inhuman screams of pain coming from them, but their mouths weren’t open. They just stood there, the same enthusiastic smiles plastered on their melting, disintegrating faces. First their skin melted off, then the muscle, and then finally their bones until they were nothing but faint outlines that faded as well. The cake began to mold and shrivel, turning into some kind of disgusting, rotting garden of vegetation, and the once vibrant room turned dark and gray. The child that I held in my hands was now an abomination. A cursed half human half man hybrid, an ugly failed attempt at a union of man and beast. The baby’s cries now sounded animal-like, its now deformed human eyes standing out against its bare, hairless head. Two small horns jutted out of it, and it reached out to me with its baby claws. I gazed at the creature sitting across from me grinned, revealing sharpened, human teeth. It let out a laugh, a deep huffing sound that ended in a snort. “You are mine now,” it glowered.

Finally I was able to scream, and the monster laughed at my fear as the baby began to scream as well, its cries like echoing nails on a chalkboard. I cringed as I continued to scream, watching the darkness turn to red as blood leaked down the walls, dripped down onto the table, and flooding the room with the remains of all of my loved ones, drowning my once immeasurable happiness with incomprehensible misery. Then it all went black.

When I came to, I was back in bed, where Daniel was as well. As I remembered what happened the previous night, I began freaking out and Daniel had to talk to me about what happened. He told me that at some point every actor and celebrity, and even select elites outside of the industry will be approached with the offer in some way shape or form. The Bull, known as Taurus, is not the only being that has infiltrated our species and civilization.

There are multiple beings that have created cults of their own, some leading criminal organizations and lower classes of society, while others have taken over the elites. All of them have one agenda, even while forming different groups. They want total domination of the world, promising the elites and those who worship them power and servitude alongside them when the Great Takeover begins. As Taurus’s followers, our job is to gradually condition the people around us to embrace and love evil, and destroy any sense of morality.

With humans slowly losing their morals and loving evil and hating good, Taurus and the other beings would take over, enslaving humanity to their sins. But not us. No, we would rule alongside them, and be their highest Servants. Daniel revealed to me that all the horror movies he made, down to the stories that he wrote, were not just from his imagination. They were based on revelations and visions granted to him by his “masters” as he called them. Keep in mind, Nights was not only considered a good horror movie in terms of acting, scares, tension, visuals, and story, but also for having some of the most graphic and most terrifying scenes of monsters in horror history. Scenes that damn near got the movie cut from theaters. In one scene, my costar and I get, in kindest terms, tortured by demons, which were praised for their unique designs. Now, it seemed that it wasn’t solely because of creativity or Daniel’s imagination, but were given to him by these gods.

I felt disgusted by Daniel, and by the life that I had chosen to live. I was disgusted with myself, for letting this happen to me, for ever trusting Daniel. But I couldn’t leave the relationship, and neither could he. We were now bonded together, forced to endure for Taurus. Meaning whatever the industry wanted us to do, we would do it. On screen, and off screen.

The nightmare only continued. We brought our relationship into the public eye, and I found myself subjected to nonstop press, always asking about our relationship. I was forced to get a tattoo on my back, one that actually worshipped Taurus and its sister god, but I couldn’t say that. Instead I had to make up some bullshit about empowerment and overcoming adversity. I had to openly talk about all of my mental health problems, down to my suicide attempt, in order to really sell it, which was one of the most humiliating and embarassing things I’ve ever had to do. But, I was having success. I got a couple more roles in some pretty successful movies, and I was on the front cover of magazines. My life was changing. Daniel and I got a nice house in a nice neighborhood, we were even able to buy a couple more properties.

About three years in, I told Daniel that this needed to end. We had to get away from it all. Fuck Taurus, to hell with all of this. Let’s just run away, find safety, find a way out of this life. Daniel argued that there was no way out. “You can’t even die if you want to!” he had told me. He didn’t say who, but he knew of a man who had made the deal, who had tried to get himself out of it, and not only did it not let him die, but it made his life even more miserable, and his servitude was reduced to slavery.

That led to a screaming match where I demanded to know why the hell he even brought me into this, if he knew that I would be a slave to some ancient monster. Daniel guiltily admitted that he didn’t know. They, the gods and the industry, leech onto those who want things from it. Success, fame, a place of belonging, friends, money, something to be proud of, anything. If you want something from the industry, it will give it all to you and more, and then it will take whatever you had from you. “I was once like you,” Daniel had told me, “I was once a young, stupid, naive kid who wanted success who wanted to become famous doing the things I love. Unlike you, I found it on my own.”

“You already had two independent movies that were popular. You were one of the hottest rising directors. Was that not a good start?” “It should’ve been. But I wanted more. I was too impatient. I wanted all the success in the world at twenty two years old. So I began seeking how to do that, and I accepted the invitation. An invitation that damned me.” “Why… why the fuck would you do this to me, Daniel?” I demanded, my voice trembling with rage. Daniel shook his head. “You wouldn’t believe me…” I scoffed. “Are you fucking kidding me?! ‘Believe you’?! After everything I’ve seen? Try me, explain it!” Daniel sighed. “When I first took the deal, and was chosen by Taurus, I had a dream. A dream that gave me everything that I was hoping for as a successful director and as a person.” I felt a knot in my chest. That was the kind of dream that I had. “In the dream, Taurus gave me the desire that I had wanted ever since I was a kid: Someone I could love, and someone to love me back. The person that He gave me was you. I didn’t know it at the time, and I didn’t remember it until we fell for each other.” I didn’t say anything. I just sat there in disbelief. I saw Daniel in my dream too. He was my husband. We weren’t even married yet, and yet here he was telling me that years before I met him he knew who I was. “Taurus always seeks new recruits. Those looking to join the club, whether they know it or not. I can’t explain it. It’s like when he knows, I know. His most loyal servants are bonded to him the tightest.”

“So when you told me about all the hopes and dreams you had for your life in this place, I gave you the invitation. If you had said no, then we would’ve accepted. Taurus has no use for those who do not accept it. He knows in the end they will be his slaves anyways. But he is seeking servants.” “What fucking difference is there? We’re all working for that monster now! The way I see it, we’re all slaves!”

“Believe me, you will see the difference. And once you see it, you will begin to be on the Servant side of things.” I hung my head in defeat, and my shoulders shook as I slumped back onto our bed. I buried my hands in my face, doing everything in my power to not scream. Daniel rested his hands on my shoulder, which I furiously shook off. But as he sat next to me on the bed, I broke and leaned into him. I had no one else. I couldn’t bring anyone else into this. No one from my dream could be in my life. Not if I wanted them to be safe. But there was no protecting Daniel.

He had made his choice long ago, and now was suffering through it as much as me. My mind only continued to come apart, even as I continued to act, to gain more fans, to build the personality that they wanted to see. My parents still wouldn’t talk to me, and now I didn’t have contact with any of my friends either. Life just took us too far away from each other. About a year prior, my friend Melissa had invited me to a reunion that they were having for everyone. That night, I had a mental breakdown, and had gotten blackout drunk. I didn’t see it until two days later, and by then it was too late. She texted about a week after asking if everything was all right.

Believe me, I wanted to say something so bad, but I didn’t. I just told her that I was fine, just busy. You know, the usual bullshit that we all say when everything was not fine. This continued for a while until we started communicating less and less. Now we don’t even speak. I hadn’t bothered to reach out to my parents. It was my turn to feel ashamed. I didn’t want to tell them about everything that happened. How could I? They either wouldn’t believe me, or would curse me out of their sight, and I would be a devil to them.

Could I blame them? Not really, but it didn’t make it any better. Another year had passed, and more and more had been asked of me. It was like I was no longer in control of myself, watching myself change from the outside looking in. I watched as I put on a mask and pretended to be someone that I wasn’t for the masses, not just on screen but offscreen. During that time I had gotten into modeling. Part of it was my choice, a way to get away from the film industry and try something for myself, and the other half being because Blackstone wanted me to promote his new company that he had purchased, which was a modeling site. But I wasn’t safe there either.

They had taken it over, and I was forced to continue my servitude. Soon magazines were full of me in compromising positions, and other explicit photos. At first, it was thrilling, but then it just became humiliating as like everything else, it got worse and worse. I was losing more and more of myself as time went on, which now included my dignity and pride. These pictures and magazines went viral, in both a good and bad way. Some said I was gorgeous and bold, others said I was a sick freak. Honestly, I was feeling like the latter. But the fifth year of living as a Servant was where I committed the unforgivable.

That year, Daniel had proposed to me, and I said yes, though not really by choice, nor his. It was all part of the plan, the next phase of our lives as Servants, to prove our undying loyalty to Taurus and the Fallen. We had a public wedding, with the church bells, tuxedos, white dresses, wedding cake, and a first dance. Neither of our parents came to the wedding, with only friends showing up. Like everything else that was happening in my life, I never imagined that this is how it would turn out. Crazily enough, despite everything I still loved Daniel. He wasn’t a bad person. He never hurt me, he never took out any of his issues on me, and I never did it to him.

But there was always that thought in my head, that he’s the one who brought me into all this in the first place, that if it wasn’t for him, I could’ve had a normal career, a somewhat normal life. That thought always filled me with anger, before I realized that I could’ve always refused. Daniel may have insisted, but I was my own person, and I could’ve stood my ground. I wasn’t comfortable with going anyway. Once that crossed my mind, I just resigned myself to defeat. I fucked up. I couldn’t blame anyone but myself, because again, I wanted the fame. I wanted the attention. There was a part of me that was hoping for big things to happen at that party.

Anyways, back to the present story. We had a public wedding, but then we had the “true” ceremony. The one that would not just signify our union to each other, but also to The Fallen. I wish I could tell you exactly where it was, but the truth is that I don’t. What I can tell you is that it is on some kind of island, one that is not known to anyone but the society. How that’s even possible, I don’t know, since it sticks out like a sore thumb. We traveled by helicopter, where a group of armed guards were on the landing pad. Like the ones at Blackstone’s estate, they wore bull masks. The men nodded to us as we landed and helped us out of the helicopter. Oh yeah, that’s the other thing to note. Both pilots had their faces concealed, and their voices were scrambled and distorted, so I couldn’t tell if they were male or female.

We were taken into a vast hall, adorned very similarly to the other place, but with a lot more colors and sigils other than Taurus. I saw that of a bird, a serpent, a goat, a wolf, a dog, and other creatures that I couldn’t recognize. The guards were also dressed according to those sigils. There was Taurus’s, who wore all black suits and gloves, with horned bull masks that were dark red. The guards under the eagle wore dark green, with masks that reminded me of those plague doctor ones I saw in school. The guards for the goat terrified me the most. They wore grayish white suits, with goat head masks that had horns that wrapped around to the back of their heads. There was something about the way they stood, and the way they looked at me that shook me to the core. This pattern continued for all the other sigils, with every group wearing different colors and different masks according to their sigil.

With the exception of a few women (at least that’s what they looked like to me), most of the guards appeared to be all men, what with their height and build. As I was led down the hallways, I saw some of them lean in and appear to speak to each other, but I couldn’t hear a sound from them. The guards were also all armed, some with swords and blades that they kept sheathed, and the rest that carried guns.

As we came to two large doors, the men leading us stopped. The lead man, who was the tallest of the bunch, pulled out a phone and made a call. Once again, it was almost impossible to hear his voice. After a few seconds, the leader nodded to his men who spread out around Daniel and I. The doors opened slowly, revealing another large auditorium-like room. The stands formed a circle, filled with men and women all wearing robes and masks of various colors. Unlike the guards, their masks did not conceal their faces entirely, just their eyes.

The crowd appeared to be singing some kind of hymn, once again in a language that I did not understand nor recognize. At the center looked to be an altar with what looked like a drainage system flowing to multiple parts of the room. Each one ended at tall statues, just like the Taurus statue. In fact, the Taurus statue was sitting there as well, the exact same one. Don’t ask me how it was possible, because I don’t know. Best I can guess is that either the guards moved it, or they’re alive. No one ever gave me an answer, and I have no interest in knowing that. What difference does it make after all, right? The bird statue was sitting in a crouching position, with a feminine looking body, feathered wings folded behind its back, with a demonic eagle head, glaring down at Daniel and I.

The statue of the serpent also had a feminine body, with multiple serpent-like heads, all twisted into open-mouthed scowls, revealing sharp teeth and forked tongues. The statue of the goat entity looked masculine, covered in white fur, with long ram horns. The statues surrounded us, and I could feel their eyes staring down at us as we made our way to the altar. Henry Blackstone, wearing a black cloak and mask, walked up to us, holding a dagger in his hand. At his side were two other men who I didn’t recognize.

“Congratulations,” he said, with a polite smile on his face. Daniel and I didn’t answer back, only giving a nod back. Blackstone turned to the rest of the crowd, who now fell silent. “Brothers and sisters! Servants of the Fallen! Tonight, we welcome two loyal servants to our Society!” The crowd erupted in cheer, like it was some kind of sports game. I squeezed Daniels’ hand, and I felt my legs shaking. I wanted to run, but I knew that I wouldn’t get far. Especially when I turned around and saw two armed guards block the doorway.

Blackstone turned to me and looked me in my eyes. “You have done well, Mrs. Gallardo,” he said, “Now, today you two will face your ultimate test. The final step of your unification in our society. The test to prove your loyalty and bond to the Fallen. Blood will be shed, pain will be inflicted. ” I looked at Daniel and swallowed. Pain? Blood? What was he talking about? Daniel didn’t answer, but the look on his face showed that he was just as scared as I was. Suddenly, I heard the sound of muffled screaming from behind closed doors. Suddenly, two smaller doors behind us opened up and guards began hauling three young girls towards the altar. The girls looked to be young teenagers. They couldn’t be more than thirteen or fourteen years old.

My eyes widened with horror as the guards secured them all down. They screamed and pleaded for mercy as Blackstone handed me the dagger. “Draw their blood, give them pain. Feed our Fallen.” I held the trembling dagger in my hands as I stared at the girl who laid before me. She looked just like me once. She cried, screamed, pleaded for me not to kill her. My eyes darted, between Daniel, Blackstone, and the statues. Don’t do this, I thought to myself, Run. Get out of there. Don’t do this. Drop everything and run! Nothing is worth this! Look at yourself! Look at what you’re turning into!

But for some reason, I couldn’t stop myself. Whether it was fear, cowardice, or something supernatural pulling me to do it, I couldn’t tell you. I won’t excuse what I did next. No matter how I spin it, it will not make this better. I stood over the first girl, raised the dagger, and began to stab and cut her viciously. God, I won’t forget her screams. Just primal, raw pain and despair. I stabbed her over, and over, and over, and over, watching the blood flow down the altar and flow towards the statues. I stabbed her over, and over, and over, until finally, I sliced her throat, creating a massive gash that gushed blood down the altar.

I stood with the dagger in my hand, blood covering my face, neck, and dress. Blackstone took the dagger out of my hands, and handed it to Daniel. I watched as Daniel stood over the next girl, who was now thrashing wildly, desperate to break free. I swear I heard a couple of her bones break, but she didn’t seem to notice. Daniel looked at me, his hands trembling, but proceeded to do the same thing. Finally, Blackstone took the dagger from his hands, and the three of us stood over the last girl, who looked to have resigned herself to death. She only closed her eyes, and appeared to be muttering some kind of prayer.

Blackstone chuckled and leaned in so close to her that his face was practically touching hers. “Who are you praying to? God? Jesus? You think he will save you? You think the blood of Jesus will save you from your sins, save you from the Fallen?” Blackstone extended his arms out and turned his eyes towards the ceiling. “What are you waiting for, God? Strike me down! STOP US!” We stood in silence, with everyone sitting and waiting for something to happen. Finally, Blackstone began to chuckle. “Oh foolish child. No one is coming to save you. Your blood is theirs now. Not to your god.” The girl finally broke and began to cry, her final shred of hope or comfort gone.

Blackstone held the dagger between us. “Kill the last one together. The final sign of your bond and loyalty as one to the Fallen.” The girl began to scream and beg for God to save her as we prepared for the final kill. Her screams for good, turned to her parents, before we began taking turns stabbing and cutting her. By the time we were done, blood stained and poured down the altar, and the center was flooded with red. The crowd began to chant and sing again as Blackstone began to pray. “Oh mighty Fallen! Isis! Hydra! Taurus! Astaroth! Set! Lamashtu! Kali! Azazel! Eris! Xolotl! We have brought before you a feast of blood and pain. The agony of the slaves!”

As I watched the blood flow towards the statues, I realized that I was no longer shaking. It was like something snapped inside me. I wasn’t scared of it anymore, I wasn’t sickened, I wasn’t horrified. I just felt nothing. “Now. For the final phase of your union. Bathe in the feast of your gods. Drink from it. Embrace it.” For the first time during this whole thing, I did not object, did not hesitate, I just did what was asked of me. We removed our clothing and waited for the altar to be moved, the remaining blood falling into the pool it rested on. Holding each other tight, Daniel and I fell into the blood, engulfing us in red, the taste of copper filling my mouth.

You don’t need to know the things we did. The shameful, disgusting, vile shit that we did to each other while literally bathing in the blood of people we had just murdered. Even thinking about it now I want to vomit. What sickens me even more was that there was some part of me that enjoyed it. I don’t know why. Again, it was like something in my mind snapped or just turned off, and something else took over. Something unholy and evil, that I never had in me before. At least not to my knowledge.

What I can tell you is that towards the end, as we reached the climax, I had another dream. Or more like a vision. In this vision I saw the true forms of the Fallen. I found myself standing in a world that to me registered as Hell. The chaos, the screams, the monsters, what else could it be? But in this dark world with a crimson red sky, I saw the Fallen. Great beasts that feasted off of humans and even on other creatures that were trapped in there with them. It wasn’t just the ones that we had statues of, there were countless beings behind them, all feasting and even fighting each other, seemingly oblivious to my presence. This was their prison, the place where they were trapped until they rose again. They tormented and feasted on everyone and everything that was trapped in their with them, and even fighting each other for scraps and morsels. The main Fallen ones soon noticed me and surrounded me, intelligently moving and studying me, much unlike the other Fallen behind them. Hydra’s head hissed and snapped at me, bringing themselves within inches of my face, their large, yellow snake eyes burning into my soul. Hydra let out a laugh as the tongues from some of her heads licked my body and face.

Astaroth thrusted his large staff down next to me, knocking me off my feet as the ground shook violently. Astaroth took a heavy breath and sneered a toothy grin, saliva dripping down from his lips. Impaled on his long, goat-like horns were unrecognizable human souls, eviscerated and tortured beyond any individual distinction. He plucked one off of his horn and threw it in his mouth, and I heard the soul scream as Astaroth chewed. Astaroth let some chunks fall from his mouth, landing at my feet, and splattering more blood on my body.

Isis was kneeling down just in front of Astaroth, her wings unfurled, her face remaining unbothered, yet clearly being able to see me. Eris was right next to her, one of two that looked the most human. With a six horned crown of sorts on her head, four human-like eyes each of which looked at me with an almost seductive gaze. Black smoke hovered around her, blending in almost with her all black garment and long flowing black hair. Kali stood next to Astaroth, her multiple arms all holding blazing fire, strange tattoos and markings lined her dark blue skin, her blazing eyes emitting rage and hate.

Azazel was the only other human resembling one standing around me. His huge wings unfurled and extended outwards in a huge, intimidating wingspan, a helmet made of steel and bone, with horns jutting out the sides. He was almost completely naked, save for a loincloth and a heavy belt, exposing his muscular build. Lining the belt were fresh human skulls. At his side he rested his sword, which dripped with blood and gore.

The group parted slightly, and I saw the rest of them. Sitting on a massive throne, very much like the one under Blackstone’s estate, was Taurus, in his full, unconcealed form. Like Azazel, he wore nothing but a loincloth, his muscular, masculine body covered in thick black fur. It huffed a heavy breath of steam out of its nose, its monstrous eyes staring straight into mine. He rested his arms on the large armrests, and didn’t move from his spot. At either side of him was Set and Xolotl, sitting like large guard dogs, prepared to kill. Set crouched down to the right of Taurus, he wore a faded golden armor and carried a bladed staff, and Xolotl stood to the left, his red eyes glowing bright, occasionally growling and huffing, saliva dripping down from his jaws. Both gods were a mix of human and dog, with the heads of dogs and the bodies of men. At Taurus’ hooves was a great beast that looked like some kind of lion, with gray shaggy fur on its mane, with large canines, red eyes like the others, and a much leaner body. I thought that there were wings on its back, but as I looked closer I saw that they were serpents. Or maybe it was both I couldn’t tell.

As I stared at these beings, watched them surround me, study me, I remember not feeling scared. I just gazed in a strange awe and wonder at these creatures, and instinctively I fell on my knees in worship. “Stand Servant,” boomed a deep, guttural male voice. It shook my mind and body, and strong chills climbed from my neck all the way down to my feet. I stood back up to my feet as Taurus rose from his throne, the other three beings clearing a path for him, snarling at me as Taurus walked past them. “You have proven yourself loyal,” he said, “You and your mate.”

Taurus knelt down in front of me. “Continue your service. You have been chosen as a Bearer.” A Bearer? What did that mean? I wanted to ask my questions, but I couldn’t speak. Taurus let out a roar into the sky, and a few seconds later I saw a figure shuffling over to me. It was about my height, standing close to the bottom of Taurus’s leg. The figure was emaciated beyond recognition, his ribs practically protruding through his paper thin skin. His eyes were gone, just empty void sockets, and only a few shriveled strands of hair clung to his withered scalp.

He shuffled towards me slowly, hunched over and looked as if every step was agonizing pain. But yet he made no sign as he reached me. I took a small step back, but the figure only followed me. Twitching and letting out wheezy moans, he stopped just inches from my face. The man began violently gagging and coughing, trembling uncontrollably as I saw something crawl up his throat and out of his mouth. It was a snake, mainly black skin with red streaks lining its body. My eyes widened as the emaciated man grabbed me by the mouth and forced it open. I choked and struggled, but his grip was strong. The snake shot out of the man’s mouth and into mine. I couldn’t scream, nor could I make any sound at all as the snake climbed its way down my throat, inch by painful inch. My eyes rolled back in my head, and I felt my body convulse and seize as I reared back, gazing at the dark sky with the Fallen staring down at me.

My vision began to fade in and out, heart pounding in my ears, before my vision began to turn red, blood pooling and leaking from my eyes and mouth, the Fallen slowly disappearing from my sight. I snapped back to reality with an ecstatic gasp, still bathing in the blood with Daniel. Blackstone and the others continued to watch me, though Blackstone had a satisfied smile plastered on his face. I stood back to my feet with Daniel, covered in blood, my hair drenched and sticking to shoulders and back. “Well done, you two. Welcome to the Servants.” I didn’t tell Daniel about what Taurus had said to me, but something told me that he already knew. But what neither of us knew was what that meant. What it would mean to be a Bearer. I learned it in my sixth year. That was when it was time for the Sacrifice.

I got pregnant five months later. It was a big deal in the public eye, and once again the press couldn’t get enough of us. I took a hiatus from work, which was fine by everyone. My next step in my Servitude wasn’t in my work, it would be as a Bearer, to care for this child, who we would name Raynon. During this time, Daniel grew even colder and distant. Our loving relationship became all an act after this moment. I will not lie and say that it was one-sided either. I began a downward spiral, becoming physically and emotionally distant from Daniel, from other people, and even for myself. Any social interactions I had were purely acting, ironically. Acting wasn’t just my job, it became how I lived my entire life. I acted like I was happy, I acted like I was excited for this child, I acted saddened about my family, I acted loving towards Daniel. But in reality, I didn’t feel much of anything.

I was like a zombie. This child didn’t even feel like it was mine, it just felt like a tool for the Fallen. I feel so disgusted with myself when I think about it now. How disgusting I was. How fake I was. About halfway through my pregnancy, I was handed over to a doctor who was chosen by the Servitude to help me out. Her name is Dr. Emilia Bethel, a gynecologist who practices black magic. Yes, that is a thing in the Servitude. They have their hands in everything. There is not a single aspect of society that the Servitude haven’t dipped their fingers in at some point.

Dr. Bethel gave me liquid medication to take. When I asked what it was, she told me not to ask questions, and to trust the Fallen and the Servitude. The liquid was a light red, with a hint of dark yellow floating around in that vial. It was a thick, bitter, acidic liquid that burned my mouth, made my eyes tear up, my stomach hurt, and made me projectile vomit. That last part was for the first few times that I took it. Then, like everything else, I took it and stopped feeling it. Daniel barely was there during this time period. I don’t know what he was really doing during this time, outside of work. I knew he was directing a new horror movie, but I knew that the Servitude still had him working.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I began to feel intense pain. It was unlike anything that I had ever experienced. Dr. Bethel had me committed to a chamber, all alone save for her. I was in pain all of the time, the first sensation that I had truly felt in a long time. Whenever Dr. Bethel used the ultrasound, I glimpsed what my baby was. What. Not who. It wasn’t human. I could see the small horns growing out of its head, with deformities in its hands and feet. That’s when the memory of the first dream that Taurus gave me came back in my head. The baby boy that I held in my arms, the creature that now sat in my belly, waiting to be birthed. That’s when I became afraid again. I had forgotten until that point about that dream. I never knew what that meant at the time, and after everything that happened it was the last thing that I was thinking about.

But this time, I didn’t even have Daniel to get me through it. He became just as cold as I had been. I begged for comfort, but he only gave me assurance. Assurance that our child would be of great value to the Servitude. Dr. Bethel gave me no support either. That woman was as wicked as one could ever be. I swear that bitch enjoyed it, enjoyed seeing my pain, enjoyed seeing my fear. I swear she got off on it. She offered no sympathy as she continued to monitor the child.

Finally, the time came for it to be born. Just like the last ritual, a crowd gathered, surrounded by the statues, as well as other masked individuals, wearing black jackets and pants. They didn’t look elegant like Blackstone and the other Servants. No, these looked more rugged. Daniel was also by my side, but didn’t hold my hand as my water broke. Dr. Bethel and her team stood in the chambers, guiding me onto another altar, stripping me of my clothing and putting a red gown on me, before preparing for the birthing process. They stared at me with cold, dark eyes, so dark that I swear Taurus was watching me through them. What followed was the longest, most painful, most agonizing, and most physically terrifying experience that I had ever gone through. I screamed like I had never screamed before, tears and sweat rolling down my face like violent ocean waves. Blood leaked from between my legs, and my heart rate felt like it was about to burst through my chest.

In between my violent contractions, I sobbed and pleaded for anyone to help me. Anyone out there who could make this stop. But no one came. I was all alone. A room full of people and I might as well be suffering in an empty room. During one contraction, it was so painful that I didn’t even scream. I just let out a single croak, arching my back so high I thought my spine would snap. My vision became blurry, and everything started to go black, before a rush of adrenaline brought me back. Liquid fire coursed through my body, and even my tears and sweat began to sear my flesh. At least that’s what it felt like.

As the baby finally began to come out, I had one final vision. A vision of my baby, now a grown monster, screaming in my face, blood raining from the sky and onto plains of bones and skulls, as he stood on them, looking down at me with menacing hatred. The thing that would be my son, looking down at me like I was nothing but, but shit under his feet. I passed out for a second as the baby finally came out of me. For any normal mother, this would’ve been a beautiful, albeit exhausting moment, the start of a new family, a new chapter. But instead, I wept with despair. I wanted to die. I wanted Daniel to die. I wanted the baby to die, I wanted Dr. Bethel to die. I wanted EVERYONE to die. I was so tired, angry, and just… I don’t know.

Dr. Bethel handed Raynon not to me, not to Daniel, but to the masked people standing behind them. That’s when the leader revealed himself. My eyes widened and I screamed when I saw what he was. He looked like a cross between a human and a bull. An ugly, deformed hybrid. Horns grew on his head, his masculine human features blending with more subtle animalistic ones. He bared his teeth, revealing a crooked jagged smile, and he let out a laugh that sounded like a deep snort and groan. Raynon did not scream, did not cry, just gazed at us in silence as the group’s leader set the baby down in front of Daniel.

Daniel, unbothered, got down on his knees, and removed his shirt. Fresh tattoos and engravings on his body were revealed, almost no inch of his skin being left untouched. “Oh my god…” I remembered whispering. Daniel extended his arms, raised his head to look at the ceiling, his breathing calm and even. “O’ Mighty Taurus. I have fulfilled my duty. The Bearer has delivered. I offer my body as a sacrifice, your Calf’s first kill. The start of thousands to come.”

I didn’t move, I didn’t scream, whimper, or even flinch as Raynon used his small body and leaped on Daniel, using its small teeth and jaws to brutally mutilate Daniel. Daniel didn’t scream either, only laugh as the monster that was my son tearing him apart, feasting on his flesh, muscle and even bone. Then, I watched as Raynon began to grow. His legs and arms grew longer, and his body filled out slightly. Soon, he stood about three feet tall, looking like a toddler. With just one kill he grew and aged several years. I don’t remember what happened after that. Shortly after, Dr. Bethel injected me with something, and I fell unconscious.

I never saw Dr. Bethel again, not that I wanted to anyways. I was back in my bed in our home. But Daniel wasn’t there. His body was still in that chamber, probably being feasted on by Raynon, and the other “Calves”. I’d had enough. Life flooded back into me, and I came to my senses. Despite still being in pain, and having very little energy or strength, I packed what I could reasonably carry, got in my car, and drove off. There was only one destination that I could think of. One that I hadn’t been back to in years. Home. The place where my life started. I didn’t even know if my parents were still there. I know they probably sure as shit didn’t want to talk to me. But I had no choice.

As I drove and drove, I broke down into hysterics. After over a year of being an empty shell, everything that I had been and done came flooding back, and I had a full on mental breakdown. I nearly lost my mind as I drove on and on, avoiding as much public attention and press as possible. After multiple hiding attempts, changing clothes, makeup, cutting my hair, covering up my tattoos, wearing shades, taking the bus, doing everything possible to avoid being found, I reached my parents house.

It was a pretty humble home, despite my parents’ success. For all of their financial success and fortune, they lived a rather modest life. Which is funny considering what they wanted for me. I pulled up into the driveway, steeled myself, and walked up to the front door. Which was unlocked, and left slightly ajar. The crack in the doorway was small enough that from a distance you wouldn’t even notice it. I pushed the door open, and stepped into the house, the memories of my childhood and teenage years flooding back. A brief smile swept my face as I remembered the times when I used to be a person. A regular, ordinary girl with big dreams.

But I was brought back to reality with the stench of death. Oh no. Oh no please. Please! Please, not them! With shaking steps, I followed the stench until I got inside the living room. Instantly, I gasped and fell to my knees. My parents lay in pieces on the floor, their tied arms and hands severed from their bodies, throats ripped open and vocal chords severed. Their heads were cut away from their bodies, laid out a couple inches from their bodies. They had been completely eviscerated, as if by some wild animal.

I didn’t even scream. I just knelt there, staring at their corpses. I don’t know how long I sat there, just in a trance. What I do remember is that I heard some kind of noise, maybe it was footsteps, or a car driving by, but when I heard it I snapped out of it, ran out of the house, got back in my car and drove off. I didn’t have any destination to go to. I just kept driving, until I was completely out of the city, and away from civilization.

I sat at an empty gas station for several hours, the last six years of my life just playing through my head like a home movie. From my first audition, to my wedding, to where I currently was. Have you ever had that happen to you? Where things in your life have gone so horribly, irreversibly wrong that you start to play it all back in your head, wondering exactly where it all went to shit? That’s what happened to me. Every single moment, every single emotion, every single word that I had ever said to anyone during that time ran through my head. Nothing was left untouched from my memory. And the longer I thought, the more I began to fall apart. I finally broke when memories of when I was a child came flooding in. I remembered the first movie I watched, the exact moment that I decided that I wanted to be an actress. I remembered all of my friends, how much we had together, and the time where I told my best friend about my dream.

There was a time in my senior year when I was the main lead of my school play. I nailed it. Perfectly. And then, I remembered the last time I ever spoke to my parents. We screamed, argued, said the worst things to each other. As I stormed out of the house and drove off, I glimpsed my parents in the window, watching me leave. The last time I would see them, alive at least.

I broke. When I tell you that I broke, I don’t just mean crying. My mind completely shut down, and I just began wailing. I screamed for my parents, for my friends, for Daniel, for ANYONE to come and help me, to save me from this. I began praying that this was all a nightmare, like some divine warning to my younger self to change my ways. But no matter how hard I prayed, that reality never came. I was still trapped in this one, a broken, evil, disgusting woman who had done things that couldn’t be undone, all for fame, all because I wanted that success so badly.

As I checked my phone, I saw that my reputation and life had been ruined. Daniel’s body had been found, stabbed to death, they said. According to the police, they found Daniel’s body in our house, with over a hundred stab wounds, and that I was the main suspect. I watched in horror as more and more tabloids and news reports came up, spreading lies about things I had said and done, rumors about shit I had never done in my entire life.

Then, my parents had been found murdered, and I was the main suspect for that. Not because of the security camera footage or anything like that, which they could’ve used, but through deepfake AI videos and planted evidence that had me in that area during the murders. The Servitude had got to me. They planted Daniel’s body for the police to find, and framed me for my parents’ murders. I desperately tried calling my friends, but none of them answered. They had cut me off. I was done. Not only did my friends now hate me, but I was a fugitive from the law, wanted for murders I didn’t commit. Ironically, the murders I actually committed never came to light.

That was when I was done. I knew what they said about Servants committing suicide, but I was done. I had enough of this life, and I couldn’t bear the shame of everything that I had done. Because if I was being honest with myself, there was a part of me that was not only complacent with what was happening, but I enjoyed it. My relationship with Daniel, the money, the fame. It was what I had wanted. While I had not sought out the Servitude, they gave me what I had wanted, even if it was in exchange for horrible acts.

I had a choice. I could’ve stopped, I could’ve backed away and I could’ve done something, but I didn’t. I didn’t just give up, I became complacent and complicit in the Servitude’s crimes. I let it happen, and I let myself stay a part of this. I deserved no second chance, in fact I still don’t. I was parked on the side of the road by a forest, so I got out of the car, and walked out into the woods to kill myself. I didn’t bother leaving a video, I didn’t bother leaving anything behind. I had nothing, and I was nothing. I walked over to the edge of a cliff, which overlooked a running river, and I could glimpse rocks jutting out from the water.

I closed my eyes, prayed for some kind of forgiveness in the hereafter, and let myself off of the edge. I didn’t even feel myself hit the water or the rocks. But it wasn’t the sweet, comforting end I thought. I woke up to a world of agony, trapped in that same hellscape that I had a vision of, where I was tortured by the Fallen, being feasted on as Taurus watched with pleasure. “There is no escape, Servant, you will not die by your own hand, nor by mine.” “Kill me! Just end it! Please!” I begged, but Taurus only laughed.

“You don’t command me, Servant. After all that I have gifted you, you have turned your back on me. Betrayal deserves a fate worse than death. Your presence is not even worthy of your prison. Your flesh is disgusting and vile for my people to eat. No, you will return to your world, and you will suffer until I decide that your time is up, and when you die, you will not be with me. There is another place for traitors like you.

When I came to, I was floating in the frigid water, washing up on the rocky shoreline. Nothing had been broken, nothing was bleeding. I survived, much to my despair. That is how I’ve been living out my life since then. A fugitive living off of scraps, cheap disguises, cheap motels. I’ve even gone as far as to scar my face and body so that no one would recognize me. Despite what Taurus said, I tried killing myself two more times. I slit my wrists, and then I hung myself, I even tried shooting myself through my mouth. The last time that I tried it, Taurus decided to punish me. I can no longer speak.

My vocal cords are gone. So now I’m a mute, lonely, starving fugitive from the law. I am writing all of this on a packet of paper that I had stolen from a store. Should anyone find this, they will hear this story. I think Taurus is finally done with me. One day as I passed through a town by bus, I saw a figure standing near the bus stop as I fled. I knew immediately who it was. Raynon. My son. He had grown significantly since I last saw him. He was now a tall, grown man, wearing a jacket that covered his head and face, hands in his pockets.

My own son was coming to kill me. This was how I would go. That was two days ago now. I’m currently hiding in a motel, writing all of this down. I write this as a warning to anyone looking to make it into these industries. Don’t. Don’t even try it. You may not get the invitation immediately, but sooner or later you will get pulled in, and you will be offered the choice to sell your soul. I am writing to tell you not to do it. Don’t even put yourself in this position. To everyone else, rise up. Do what I and so many others never did, which was take a stand. I wish I could give you more information about the Servitude, but they cover your tracks well. They are well connected, and are protected by some of the most powerful cosmic beings in the universe. These creatures hate us, and want us to be their slaves. I don’t know if you can stop them, but you can stop the Servitude. They are above redemption, Henry Blackstone and all of the others.

I don’t know how deep it goes. I know they have a hand in everything, but I don’t even know the full extent of that. But they are not untouchable. They can bleed. They are still humans and can be killed by others. Servants just can’t die by their own hand. Sure, the Servants will probably be viewed as martyrs by the Fallen, but it doesn’t matter. They need to die. The whole society needs to be destroyed. You can do it. Someone needs to stop this, before all of humanity is destroyed. Please.

I am going to go now. I have a feeling my time is coming soon. I am sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused. I’m sorry to my friends and family for the shame I have brought on you all. As I sit here, waiting to die, one question keeps playing in my head, one question that I’m sure you will all think about as you read this, should you find it of course. Was it worth it? I’ll answer that for you.

No. No it wasn’t.

Credit: GhostShogun28