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The Depths



Estimated reading time — 4 minutes

A cloth of mist draped over the promenade and enshrouded the red brick lift shaft in front of them. The glossed red doors to the entrance were locked. Vonnie shivered and flung her scarf end over her shoulder. The guy from Blackpool Civic Trust had said seven o’clock, and it was twenty past. She felt Jez’s glare almost melt the side of her face.

“This was your chuffing idea. I shouldn’t be exposed to weather like this. Blackpool prom in February? Damp castles I can handle, but I can’t feel my bloomin’ feet Von.” He blew into his cupped hands and stamped his feet theatrically.
“He’ll be here. Stop moaning.”

She wondered where the Civic Trust guy was. He had seemed keen for Slightly Haunted to feature the Cabin Lift. He had contacted them, he would turn up surely? A burst of music came from Vonnie’s bag. As she grabbed for her phone she saw a man in a white shirt approach from across the road. “Just a text, I’ll get it later, he’s here now.” Jez was holding his mobile; it was probably another snipe about the cold. Typical psychic, she thought; a prima-donna. He always complained on their fact gathering trips but insisted on coming every time.

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The small lean man beamed. “Hello there, I’m Edward, pleased to meet you. If you’d like to follow me I’ll take you down now.” Edward rooted round in his sack-like pockets and pulled out a huge bunch of clanging keys. Jez tutted and rolled his eyes.
“In your own time, it’s not as if we’ve been stood here long is it?” Jez rolled his eyes and tutted. Edward didn’t seem to notice, and waved the key around with triumph a few minutes later.

Jez’s mouth by this point resembled a cat’s backside. He folded his arms with a loud sigh. Vonnie chuckled as Edward unlocked door and swung it open. It creaked and scraped the floor. Jez lagged behind as they entered the windowless corridor. It wasn’t completely dark outside yet. The surrounding mist made Vonnie feel wrapped in cotton wool. It was a relief to step into the echoing entrance. Ahead stood the lift door, vintage but in pristine condition. Jez shifted his weight between his feet and held back as Edward ushered them into the open mouth of the lift.

“So, who was it that designed this place?” She smirked at Edward.
“It was a gentleman called John Charles Robinson,” he replied.”It was built in 1930. As you can see it’s designed to carry folk down Bispham cliffs to the lower promenade. It’s not used anymore, shame really.” He slid the concertina lift door shut with a clatter. Inside the light glowed amber. Vonnie made a mental note of the architect’s name. Edward leaned past Jez who took a step backwards. He pressed a button and the squealing of old mechanisms began as they journeyed slowly down.

“Yes he designed quite a few of the art deco buildings in Blackpool, Bispham library, Stanley Park cafe, amongst others. This is his least known work.” He carried on. “He was and still is a much undervalued artist.” Vonnie hoped this architect wasn’t so undervalued that he wasn’t on Google. It did seem creepy enough in here though, so the night-vision cameras would have the desired effect if she could make sure there were no light in the lift.

“Could the lights be turned off with the lift still running?” Jez jumped in with the question before she could ask. Edward turned slowly to the lift controls and smiled mischievously.
“Of course,” he said. The lift went black.
Vonnie felt her stomach suddenly rise to her throat as the lift dropped. A shriek came from the lift mechanisms above. Her fingers pressed against the icy metal box around her as she grasped for purchase. It sped up. Faster and faster they plummeted.
“No help help stop!” Jez screamed. On and on they plunged. Then it stopped. Vonnie crashed to the floor and felt Jez land on her leg.
“You lunatic what are you doing?” he screeched at Edward.
“Put the lights on Edward please” Vonnie said, her voice wavering. There was no response. Jez pulled Vonnie’s arm and clung to her. The sound of the waves smashing against the sea wall grew closer.
The sea grew louder. Vonnie felt the box begin to sway as if engulfed in the tide. The acoustics inside the metal casing sounded hollow. As if they were submerged. Jez shrieked and threw himself around the metal box hammering the walls with his fists. Vonnie felt cool wetness touch her foot, seeping through the lift door. She sobbed and curled into a ball, rocking gently back and forth with the sound of the water trickling inside.

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The lights flickered and filled the box. Silence. Vonnie looked at the bone dry floor and stood up quickly. She scanned around then looked at Jez’s puffy red face. They were alone. Jez whimpered and began to wail. Vonnie yanked the lift door open and ran through the dark tunnel to the door; Jez clung limpet-like to her arm. They crashed through the wooden doors back outside to the lower promenade. For a few long seconds they stood under the cool moonlight and stared at the tide far in the horizon. Beyond; the damp empty beach. A screeching gull broke the silence.

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Without looking back, they ran to their hotel.

Jez and Vonnie sat opposite each other in the Hotel bar. Neither could make eye contact. Jez held his brandy glass so tightly his knuckles blanched.
“It was a clever trick. Hilarious. Well they got us good and proper, they’ve made it on to the next series,” he mumbled.

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Vonnie threw her vodka down her throat in one action, and then thrust her phone in Jez’s face. The last text, from the Civic Trust, said;

7.24pm: SORRY CAN’T MAKE IT TONIGHT. REGARDS, FRANK

Credit To: Kookymonster

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20 thoughts on “The Depths”

  1. I should stop reading comments, they make me like stories less. But, putting aside the authors cocky-ness and Dirjel’s (who I kinda love by the way) corrections, this was a good story. One thing, the last sentence being in all caps, kind of took away from the twist. When I read all caps, the voice in my head screams, and screaming is obtrusive and takes me out of the moment. Otherwise good pasta.

  2. Well I have indeed made quite a cock of myself there haven’t I? I genuinely didn’t realise my grammar was so sloppy. Maybe I didn’t edit properly after the feedback. I’m cracking open my copy of ‘Rediscover Grammar’ by David Crystal later. Thankyou for the feedback, it is genuinely apreciated and I shall be paying extra attention to semi colon use in future. I do indeed feel like an ass.

  3. @forrest_taylor this has been proofread by two creative writing tutors. Could you point out where the errors are so I can rectify what two professionals must have missed?

    Because you’re being a cocky cock, I will.

    He had contacted them, he would turn up surely?
    – wtf is this? No. Fix it. Also, the next line, “A burst of music…” should be a new paragraph.

    Jez was holding his mobile; it was probably another snipe about the cold. Typical psychic, she thought; a prima-donna.
    – In two sentences, you use a semi-colon twice. The first time you use it correctly – way to go, champ. The second time is incorrect and you should never do that again.

    Vonnie chuckled as Edward unlocked door and swung it open.
    – Edward unlocked door. Edward unlocked door. Edward unlocked door.

    “Yes he designed quite a few of the art deco buildings in Blackpool, Bispham library, Stanley Park cafe, amongst others. This is his least known work.”
    – The first comma should be a semicolon.

    “No help help stop!”
    – No punctuation? I would think “No! Help! Help! Stop!” would be more appropriate.

    “You lunatic what are you doing?”
    – Needs a comma (or exclamation point) after “lunatic.” Also, this is still Chad talking, so it should really be on the same paragraph as the one before it.

    “Put the lights on Edward please”
    – Absolutely REQUIRES some sort of punctuation at the end, just before the end quote (a comma, minimum), but I’d personally put a comma after “Edward,” and an exclamation point after “please,” but that’s just me.

    As if they were submerged.
    – Sentence fragment. Revise.

    For a few long seconds they stood under the cool moonlight and stared at the tide far in the horizon. Beyond; the damp empty beach.
    – First sentence: “in the distance” or “on the horizon.” You can’t be IN the horizon. Distance is a concept, and you can be “in” the distance. The horizon, however, is a definable “object,” and one that you cannot be inside. Also, that should not be a semicolon after “Beyond.”

    Well they got us good and proper, they’ve made it on to the next series
    – This comma, however, SHOULD be a semi-colon.

    The last text, from the Civic Trust, said;
    – Regular old colon this time. You should really read up on semi-colon usage. It’s a nice piece of punctuation if you know how to use it correctly.

    There are some other bits that, while they are not “wrong” per se, they are still not necessarily “best practice.” For example, this line:
    Vonnie hoped this architect wasn’t so undervalued that he wasn’t on Google.
    It’s worded kind of strangely and it is hard to follow. Like I said, it’s not WRONG, but something like “Bonnie [Bonnie is an awful name, but at least it makes me remember which character is a girl] hoped this architect was at least valued enough to show up on Google.” It’s cute to use the “wasn’t so undervalued” thing, but there’s not really any way to phrase it without a double negative, and double negatives are ugly.

    Also, “Vonnie” and “Jez” are BOTH awful names by any standard of measurement – I don’t know if they are male or femaile, I don’t know if they are supposed to be from a specific race/culture/country, and they just aren’t pretty. I took the liberty of renaming the characters Bonnie and Chad in my edits, in case you didn’t notice. Bonnie is not a pretty name, but it satisfies some of the other metrics, at least. Making up exotic-sounding names for no reason is a rookie mistake, especially when the other characters have such plebian-sounding names: “Frank” and “Edward.” You’re trying to make your characters look special, but you’re only creating a wall between us (your audience) and your writing by introducing artificial complexity into otherwise shallow characters. Yes, your characters are shallow, but no, that’s not necessarily a bad thing – in a story this short, it’s really hard to develop a character AND tell a story. You have to pick one or the other.

    Anyway, I don’t know you, so maybe I’m going to hurt your feelings and you will never write again. Maybe you’re the overconfident, “I’m never wrong!” type. I don’t know. What I do know is that your two proof-readings were inadequate. Maybe they were trying to make sure you felt good about yourself. Maybe they pointed out the errors, but you ignored them. Maybe they just aren’t good at their jobs. I don’t know, but you should consider being less condescending when people point out a mistake, or else you look like an ass.

  4. @forrest_taylor this has been proofread by two creative writing tutors. Could you point out where the errors are so I can rectify what two professionals must have missed?

    1. “No help help stop!” – A lack of commas.

      “You lunatic what are you doing?” he screeched at Edward.” – Again, a lack of punctuation in the dialogue (in fact this is a running theme) and the ‘h’ in ‘he’ should be capitalized.

      “Vonnie felt the box begin to sway as if engulfed in the tide.” – This might just be me, but I feel “engulfed BY the tide” works better. *Shrug*

      “Vonnie yanked the lift door open and ran through the dark tunnel to the door; Jez clung limpet-like to her arm.” – This is awkward to me, and I’m fairly certain it’s the tense. It should be ‘clinging’ not ‘clung’. But again, I might be wrong.

      There’s more (specifically the dialogue. Really poorly done), but I really have better things to do right now than try to correct some snotty brat’s grammar.

      Have a nice day.

  5. @forrest_taylor

    Really hard to get into, and the grammar errors in the climax took me out of it. No offense, but editing helps. 2/10.

  6. I have to say that it was quite hard to get into, passed it up on the first go around but decided to give it another try. Not bad really, I quite liked the proverbial ‘bottom’ of the story dropped out at the same time the lift flew down the shaft. Overall a good pasta.
    Bravo.

  7. I also found it hard to get into, and the wording seemed to make the story contrived. There were a lot of elements right off the bat, which made it hard to get through and stay on top of what exactly was going on. I’m not even that sure on what the bottom line story is. Sometimes simple is better.

  8. It was good. The writing seemed to be a little ridgid and I couldn’t really get myself completely into the story. Good idea. Execution is almost there. Good pasta all together.

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