They laughed. The group has just arrived at their dorm from another night of ghost stories. They weren’t afraid. At least, they wouldn’t show it. They were, after all, men.
“Holy shit, today’s stories were just insane. ‘I know you’re awake.’ What. The. Fuck. That got me,” Joshua said through his laughter.
“Guess who’s not sleeping tonight?”, Jeff forced through his grin.
“Quit being such pussies,” Luke said, “They’re just stories.”
They took a curious glance at Luke. His quaking voice made it painfully obvious that his false bravado masked unbridled fear.
“What? Stop looking at me. You know what? Fuck you guys. I’m gonna piss.”
Luke flicked on the lights, took a cautious look inside the bathroom, then slipped in. Jeff and Joshua could barely suppress their laughter. An idea popped into their heads.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“Fuck yeah.”
Jeff closed the translucent sliding door on their bathroom and held it in place, while Joshua silently turned the room’s lights off.
“Ready? Go.”
Joshua turned the bathroom lights off. It was quickly followed by a scream. They could almost imagine Luke, dick in hand, spraying piss everywhere while he screamed.
It took a few moments before Luke started banging on the doors.
“Let me out of here goddamnit! Fuck you guys! LET ME OUT!”
They could see his hands every time they made contact with the plastic door. They laughed.
Strangely, Jeff noticed another pair of black hands pressed up on the plastic door. They were small, as if belonging to a child.
“Hey, Luke, what the fuck are those black hands?”, Jeff said over his friend’s screams.
“What? Just let me ou— OH GOD, HELP ME. SAV—”
Silence. Jeff quickly slid the door open.
All they found was an empty bathroom and a broken window.
Credit To – Urich Victorino
Copyright Statement: Unless explicitly stated, all stories published on Creepypasta.com are the property of (and under copyright to) their respective authors, and may not be narrated or performed under any circumstance.
Did a 13 year old who’s just discovered swearing write this?
I can actually see this happening. Don’t ask, it’s too complicated to explains.
NASTY….!
They switched off the room lights. Then they switched off the bathroom lights. How could they see anyone’s hand pressing on the door? How could they even see the door? ^__^;
And also, why would the whateverwasinthere press its hands against the door?
Overall this pasta was quite good, entertaining even, but it was not quite descriptive enough, mainly with the horror aspect of it, coupled with the overall predictability of the story stopped it from becoming truly scary or suspenseful. I feel that if these points (namely suspense and originality) were improved, this could be a truly delicious pasta.
BORING! sounds like something a kid would tell. they should’ve found a lot more than a broken window.
This was a pretty good story! It made me wonder what happened. If u could would u might tell me what happened in the end? It got me confused •-•
Okay, well I like the idea. The conversation back and forth between the friends was realistic. I mean, that’s how I talk to my friends.
But, there’s no real story. They show up after hearing random ghost stories, one guy goes to take a leak, the other guys play the prank, and he randomly gets kidnapped by a black child. There’s no real essence, maybe if you gave it more detail it would be creepier. And perhaps if you drew it out a little more. Other than that, the ending was rushed. “All they found was an empty bathroom and a broken window.” That just seems like a cheap ending. Try giving more of a wow factor. And maybe more detail.
Thanks for the critique!
I do realize that the story is pretty weak. I don’t really know how to develop a micropasta. But after all these comments, I have a better picture now. I’ll definitely try to rewrite this.
Short stories in general are hard to write. The shorter the harder because it has to mostly be told in implications. On that front this story failed for the most part. It doesn’t implicate enough of what is going on; it’s just too straight forward. There is some mystery there, in fact that’s the whole end of it pretty much. Because of that it reads less like a good short story (or even a bad one) and more like an excerpt from a longer story. One which I know I would be interested in checking out.
Thanks for the comment!
Yeah, I realize it. I’m way too blunt. I’ll fix that right up so this would actually be like a short story (or make it longer, which I am less likely to do, hahaha.)
Dear writer,
Here are some improvements on your story. First off you should lay of the cuss words. That makes it uncomfortable to read. Also describing the whole cock in hand part is kinda stupid. Believe me, that made me sick. Also, keeping it short was a good idea. I didn’t want to read another 10 cuss words in one sentence. OTHER WISE, the title can be fixed. Just a joke, is kinda fitting but um, yeah more like Bathroom break, Ah much more fitting. Again please try to lay off the cussing, it makes me feel guilty reading this. And a good original idea 5+ stars for originality and 10- for completion. GOOD JOB WRITER!!!!!
First of all, the cuss words fit the character of an average male college student. Secondly, Bathroom break? That makes no sense, really. I think the title is fine. There are some grammatical errors, but otherwise, this was a decent pasta.
First. Of all.
1. Needs more paragraphs. make it like. more creepy. That includes a normal school kid. running into a random kid that gets pissed off an starts bullying him. Then that boy become a psychopath n started bullying him back. Days after. The Boy that the kid bulied had disappeared. And His friends asked him why. (?). Soon The day after that day. The kid’s friends disappeared . He soon realized as he was going to the canteen/cafeteria/ he was being followed by a Soul,
@Nightmare, sorry, I did not understand a single word you said. :P
@Anon, thanks. Care to point out these grammatical mistakes?
@Jonod, sorry if I curse too much. It’s a reflection of myself. I feel it made things more natural. Though I agree with the title. The current one sucks. I made it up on the spot because I didn’t want something pretentious like “Untitled”.
Easy on the cusses, damn
Well they are about the average 20 year old men in college. So usually they do cuss :/ I think I fits the character
It feels incomplete and rushed. No suspense, no build-up. I think it would’ve helped if you added whatever scary stories they were telling and managed to do a light tie in with one of them.
Thanks for the comment!
I think I’ll just write more details and built it up regardless of the micropasta limit. Better have a decent creepypasta than a bad micropasta.
Short and straightforward; the plot was quite suited to the micropasta format, if a bit thin. I liked the brief but rather chilling apparition of the monster: the story sounds like one of those meta-stories you tell when everyone’s sleepy and tired. Critically, I felt that the plot was too generic and thin to be lastingly creepy – I half expected a story-within-a-story sort of thing.
All in all, a momentarily scary ditty. 6.4/10
Thanks for the comment!
What do you mean by thin?
If you have any more comments, feel free to tell me. I really want to improve this pasta. :)
I meant that the pasta had little depth. The plot was basically ‘prank goes wrong, guy gets abducted’, which is standard creepy but there’s nothing beyond that. Good micropasta manages to fit a lot of creepy details or implications that leave the reader with more than the prescribed turn of events.
For a graphical shorthand example, I’d recommend The Watertower by Steven Woolman. On the surface, it’s a story about two friends exploring a watertower – until you notice the little details, like the markings, and the layout of the book. Those things really creep you out when you realize their importance, and that’s IMO what micropastas strive to be.
If you want a longer example, House of Leaves is a book about a house. Creepy details are rarely told outright but implied, like how the interior of the house doesn’t make sense, or how the book itself is larger than its cover.
If you want to expand this pasta, I think you’ll need a more complex plot, and a defter way of delivering it. I personally thought it worked okay in this iteration, but good luck on your expansion!
Thanks again for your comment! I’ll try to look at those books you suggested and see what I can learn.
The ending was so predictable :|
This may be the first comment. It probably depends on the order that the comments are approved, not submitted (unless they are approved in order anyway).
I think that this had potential, but it was just too sudden. Also, the “guys coming back from telling ghost stories all scared” thing seems a bit to cliche and boring to me. Try to avoid that kind of stuff unless it plays a role in the story beyond what cliches usually do, which is usually either an introduction or way to try to make your story actually creepy.
The part with the second pair of hands momentarily perked my interest, but could have been phrased a lot better. “Strangely, Jeff noticed another pair of black hands pressed up on the plastic door.” If I were Jeff, I would have done a double take or something, instead of casually noticing how “strange” it was. It is usually easier to enjoy a pasta if it’s more realistic.
Sorry if I said anything stupid, this is my first ever comment here.
(I’m not sure if this will be a double comment, if so, I apologize.)
Thanks for your constructive criticism!
I really wanted for this to fit in the micropasta limit, so I took out quite a lot of details I originally had. I guess that’s why it felt too sudden.
I do not understand this part though: ” Try to avoid that kind of stuff unless it plays a role in the story beyond what cliches usually do, which is usually either an introduction or way to try to make your story actually creepy.”
Good point on the realization part though. I just realized how offhand and casual it was. :P
If you have any more comments, feel free to tell me. I really want to improve this and resubmit it. I just can’t stand writing something this bad. :P
Don’t get me wrong, this pasta was good. Now that I’ve read your comment, I can see how the story was meant to be short.
I often feel that a pasta is tastiest when the reader is left to think for a second or two before a realization hits them. Like, “They laughed. Then Jeff noticed another pair of hands.” (end of paragraph)
Now, the thought process goes something like, “Wait, so that mea-OH GOD he’s screwed isn’t he!”
In the part about cliches, I just meant that I usually see two types of cliches:
1. Along the lines of, “Decided to start writing this journal.” This gives a cheesy explanation for how or why things happen.
2. Along the lines of, “I got the game used because it was less expansive, and started on the save file already there, which was named “final warning.” This example of the haunted game cliche serves as the paranormal part that makes the story a CREEPYpasta.
In short, don’t put yourself down thinking that you did a bad job, because that’s not what I meant. If you do re-write this, you have two options: either to add details, or make it shorter if you want it to make the micropasta limit. If you choose the latter, try to capture the essence of what makes the pasta great.
Thanks! I really appreciate your comment. It will go a long way. Hopefully you’ll see an improved version in a few months.
Gross. Lame. Gross.
(I’m not sure if this will be a double comment, if so, I apologize.)
Please tell me what I could improve on. Your comment gives me no hint on what I need to specifically work on. I really do want to improve this and write a better pasta.
Thanks. :)
okay, well it was a bit of a cliche. I knew exactly what was going to happen from the first line (practically) and it’s not descriptive at all. I just thought the whole ‘piss spraying everywhere’ was unnecessary and well… gross.
i think you have good potential in your writing style, a lot actually, but a very cliche story.
Holy sh*t! That was great.