• Leo Silvera

    Writing style and deliverance was a little odd and confusing but overall a nice concept and story.

    9/10

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    Rating: +12 (from 12 votes)
  • Raaxis

    Cool concept, well-written, but I feel as though the narrative was awfully slow. This story could’ve had about 50% of it left out, but still establish the relationships, mood, and plot. As it stands, the story could easily have started with the two brothers opening the box without losing any pertinent character/plot details.

    Still, overall good story.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 5 votes)
    • Anonymous

      Thanks for the feedback. Yes, v could have shortened the story but then as you mentioned would have less connection with characters. I also agree that the tempo was a little slow but as a reader I enjoy getting to know the characters and building that emotional bridge. Glad you enjoyed the read. As always, feedback is appreciated. Thanks for taking the time.

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      Rating: +2 (from 6 votes)
  • Pradicus

    Raxxis, I realize that didn’t come out the way I intended for it to sound. You pointed out relationships, which is what I was referring to, making sure the connection stands strong.

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    Rating: 0 (from 2 votes)
  • Zonso

    To long didn`t read.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -23 (from 27 votes)
    • Anonymous

      If you didn’t read it then why did you bother commenting?

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +26 (from 26 votes)
    • hydrangea

      tl;dr? Get out.

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      Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
      • nells

        I have that color (hydrangea) on right now XD

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        Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Anonymous

    Really a great read, I love stories, it does remind me of something I once read in Goosebumps though..

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    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Anonymous

    I don’t even get this at all?? It was ridiculously long and made no sense. Was Mandy dead? When? Because they were all talking to her. What did the brothers DO in the beginning that was bad? What is with some black spot in the kitchen? I mean, what??

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +5 (from 13 votes)
    • Steven

      No I completely agree, this confused the shit out of me and I kept waiting for atleast what they did was bad to be answered. I thought I missed something but no this is very confusing. Also being that it was like a novel also ruined it for me 2/10

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      Rating: +8 (from 16 votes)
  • Serena

    I don’t even get this at all?? It was ridiculously long and made no sense. Was Mandy dead? When? Because they were all talking to her. What did the brothers DO in the beginning that was bad? What is with some black spot in the kitchen? I mean, what??

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 11 votes)
    • Pradicus

      Thanks for taking the time to give feed back. It probably is a bit longer than it truly needs to be, but I try to take the reader on a journey; a mini break from life. I’d rather it develope slowly than err on the side of rushing. I decided to leave the dare up to the imagination of the reader as it didn’t pertain to the story as much as to the characters. The dark spot is a clue to current present paranormal activity. Mandy was ripped out of her shoes, hence was obviously alive or we wouldn’t have seen that kind of detail.

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      Rating: +2 (from 4 votes)
      • Ayame

        That doesn’t help. I still do t get the ending. If Mandy is " alive" why are they asking her to contact them

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        Rating: +4 (from 8 votes)
    • http://www.myfur.net Suo Mynona

      This just managed to confuse the shit out of me.
      This pasta was obviously left to rot in the pantry.

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      Rating: +3 (from 5 votes)
  • Alberto N.

    this is too intriguing to be just a short story, this is seriously horror novel material, because lots of questions remain unanswered and a lot could be added…

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    Rating: +12 (from 12 votes)
  • Hanis

    Not sure if i get this right but correct me if im wrong, Mandy’s somehow abducted by whatever entity, spirit or ghost – present in that room. The dark spot on the ceiling of their kitchen indicates that at that very moment something’s presenting itself in the attic above it, and it only happens every 8 years. His dad, 8 years before, mandy 8 years after that.

    I’m still puzzled as to why Josh behave that way, when he said something with an eerie voice, to which it’s not his. Possessed perhaps? I dont get the last bit too when Mandy suddenly drifted into nothingness, and why didn’t josh affected by any of it? When both of ’em could’ve been abducted by that thing.

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    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
    • Hanis

      ohhh wait wait, i was wrong about that 8 year gap thing -_- n probably about his father’s death too

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      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
      • person

        the father is obviously the other presence, it makes perfect sense

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        Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Ayame

      I still don’t understand the ending AT ALL. when did Mandy disappear? It seems like she died and didn’t know bc they are asking her to contact her seconds later (I guess time passed and she didn’t know?). But at the same time they were still just talking to her before asking for contact!?

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      Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
      • Anaiis

        I think they were talking to her spirit, and never actually looked at her. Instead they ‘seemed’ to look through her, or looked in her direction, like they heard a noise (and they did, since her spirit was getting emotional)

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        Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • Pradicus

    You guys, all of you who posted comments, are fantastic fans of paranormal fiction; great questions, very good insight, wonderful reasoning concepts…you all are more than welcome to speak your mind and I thank you for doing so. The thing we find so intriguing and which all of us love about the paranormal genre is that very thing which leaves us wondering and unsatisfied, wishing we had just a little but more resolve. Hanis and Alberto N. are prefect examples of that. Spoiler alert–> Time ceases to exist in the afterlife, in this story, so when Mandy was "abducted" (thank you, Hanis) 8 years became instantaneous to her. Jasmine knew she was present however and treated her like a member of the group since full contact still had not been made yet, which is why she spoke to her. A clue was that Josh looked up at Mandy and almost right through her (in her estimation). He actually didn’t see her. She didn’t know she was dead until she started to fade out of their time/space placement. The closing is a look at how things could perhaps appear on the other side (the after life). The long and short of it is, there are supposed to be questions, a good paranormal story is an illusion and it’s author, the illusionist. It’s suddenly no more fun when you know the illusionists secret. On that note, I hope the story was memorable, I try to write so it reads like a movie in your mind and I also hope you were provided a brief vacation from ordinarium. You guys are great.

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    Rating: +17 (from 17 votes)
    • Anaiis

      I absolutely loved it. The writing style and detail were great, and it read like a novel, not a crappy and rushed internet story

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      Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • TeHsHaDoWyMaN

    It was good, but the ending was a bit confusing.

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    Rating: +5 (from 7 votes)
  • awes0meaxel

    Pretty good.

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    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  • Calum S.

    I was a tad confused at first, but this story is really great.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Shogunfish

    The buildup was too slow, I read about halfway and nothing had happened so I skipped to the end.

    If the writing weren’t so good this would be on crappypasta under "failure to launch"

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    Rating: -2 (from 6 votes)
  • hydrangea

    Your choice in words were a little strange, grammatical errors here and there, and yes it did stretch on for a looong time but you managed to wrap it up in the end well. Stories that confuse and make you think about it are always worth the second read (I, myself, read this twice over); it was fun picking up things I couldn’t get the first time.

    Keep it up author.

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • CAPSLOCK IS BROKEN

    I’M HAVING A REALLY F**KING HARD TIME GETTING THROUGH THIS. FROM WHAT I CAN TELL IN THE COMMENTS, IT’S WORTH READING THOUGH. I SEE THE AUTHOR HAS FALLEN VICTIM TO THE CREEPY PASTA CURSE. AT TIMES, IT SEEMS AS IF YOU’RE JUST TRYING TOO HARD TO PACK THIS STORY ASS TIGHT WITH AS MANY ADJECTIVES AS POSSIBLE. "A SIMPLE, SMALL KNOCK ECHOED OUT FROM THE REAR OF THE ATTIC." IS IT SIMPLE OR IS IT SMALL? YOU F**KING CHOOSE ONE. GIVEN THE CONTEXT OF THE SITUATION THOUGH, I WOULD GO WITH SMALL. "SIMPLE" WOULD INSINUATE THAT IT COULD INSTEAD BE COMPLICATED. LIKE SOMEONE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR TO COME IN. THAT COULD BE COMPLICATED; THE PERSON COULD KNOCK MULTIPLE TIMES OR IN SOME SORT OF PATTERN, WHICH WOULDN’T BE SIMPLE. I’M NOT REALLY SURE HOW TO EXPLAIN IT. THAT’S AS SIMPLE (HA. HA.) AS I CAN GET IT.

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    Rating: -5 (from 7 votes)
    • TheIntimateAvenger

      Use your inside voice. You don’t need to shout to be heard.

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      Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
      • LHSS

        His name is capslock is broken…

        -_-

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        Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • spookybutt

    "The immense tug threw her out of consciousness." … "Mandy began to step out from behind a box, limping, wiping at her face from the sting of the glass" … "Confused, and picking at her face still, Mandy scowled at the three of them for beginning the first session without her." Okay so she was unconscious and bleeding from her face, just tossed aside behind some box and her friends are like "lol she’s fine, leave her there. it’s not like THERE’S GLASS IN HER FACE OR ANYTHING HAHA no, she’ll be fine" help me, I’m laughing so hard

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    Rating: -1 (from 5 votes)
    • Anaiis

      but she’s dead D:

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      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • Anonymous

      Read the comment left by the author- it was at that point she disappeared. Her friends probably did try to help/ find her, but she was gone. Her losing consciousness is actually eight years passing, and her spirit returning.

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      Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • spookybutt

    oh okay what the heck man that was good okay I quit

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • spookybutt

    the only thing is for how much it had been built up, it just felt to me like it had ended very abruptly. other than that, good story, I liked it a lot.

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • Unnamed girl

    Overall I loved it but it was a bit too al-dente, so to speak. Details are missing and it confused me but I love the concept.

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Mental Hospital Patient

    I’m so confused.
    What were they doing they doing in the beginning of the story that was so bad?
    Can someone just explain the whole story to me? From beginning to end? Please. I have so many questions. Confusing story.

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    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  • Constipated Unicorn

    i still dont completely understand how/why mandy died

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    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • thischickeniscold

    Lolwut

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    Rating: -1 (from 1 vote)
  • Allison

    This story had so much potential at times, but it was utterly confusing. It was almost as if someone took 4 or 5 different stories and randomly pieced them together with the character names being the only consistancy. I would suggest picking one paranormal/mysterious/creepy incident and developing completely, rather than throw in so many fragments of unexplained phenomenons.

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    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Lucasade

    Will someone please explain. What happened to Mandy, What they did bad in the beginning, What the dark spot was, and how they talked to her in the first place?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
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