My older brother is a cop. Naturally, he has a protective instinct over me, his little, only, sister. The cop factor does not help. I was always babied by my family, but me and Greg, my brother, always had a closer bond. Whenever one of my other brothers picked on me, he would get super mad at them. When I was about 12 years old, he met his fiancé and got serious with her. I was so worried she would steal my brother away, and I would never see him anymore. He quickly reassured me, and I soon began to think of his fiancé as the sister I never had.
Anyway, as I said, he is a cop. He worked crazy hours, normally coming home around 3-4 in the morning. Every night, upon arrival, he would shine his too bright flashlight into my room. My bed is against the same wall as my door, so I never saw him, but I always knew it was him. He did it just to check up on me, I was sure. I didn’t mind being woken up, and appreciated the comfort it gave me. Oddly enough, I don’t think any of my other family members being woken with beams of light at strange hours. I chalked it up to the fact that I was the only one who left my door open at night. For a while, I enjoyed the nightly ritual.
However, towards mid January of my senior year I was stressed. College was a looming monolith that I could not handle, my boss had me working 6 days a week, requiring me to wake up at 7 am even on the days I didn’t have school, and I needed the sleep I could get. What was once a small, almost funny comfort to me was now one of the biggest nuisances of my life. When I was awoken by the small beam of light, I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, and my frustration only grew as I brooded into the early hours of morning. One night, I snapped at my brother to stop as the light appeared. He didn’t answer, and I was worried I hurt his feelings.
“Oh well” I thought. At least he would get the hint.
But it didn’t stop. Finally, after a few more nights, once I saw the beam, I got up to confront my brother. When I walked into the hallway, it was empty. I ran to my window only to find that my brother’s car wasn’t there, meaning he wasn’t even home from work yet.
I confronted my brother the next day. He said he stopped shining the light in on me months ago, because my mother hinted at him that I needed the sleep.
We never figured out where the light was from, and I started sleeping with my door shut.
This is a Crappypasta Success Story – a story that was rewritten with the feedback received on Crappypasta and accepted for the main site. You can see the Crappypasta posting for this story here.
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Nice one I liked it.
A grown man living with his parents is the most implausible thing you could find in a fictional scary story? Cops starting out make 50-60k a year, hardly enough to start a family/life. So it’s entirely possible that a 22-24 year old is still living at home.
I’m sorry, but you lost me when you when you wrote that her older brother still lived at home. The way you mention he found a girlfriend and then the main character began to see her as a sister is confusing – do both the fiance and the brother live with the parents? A police officer in most places needs to be 21 by graduation from academy. If the main character was an orphan under the care of her brother, some of that would make more sense, but to have a grown man with a job still living with his parents for no mentioned reason is implausible.
Predictable……. maybe a little too predictable. When she calls it a “Too Bright” flashlight i knew what was going to happen. Anyone else do that too?
I thought this was creepy. I read the original Crappypasta to this after I read this one and I have to say you did a remarkable job. I thought it might be aliens. It was a fleeting thought and a chill ran down my spine when she ran into the hallway and back to the empty window. In the Crappypasta comments you said you were only eighteen. Your Crappypasta version of it was good but still needed a little polishing. For an eighteen year old to write this is an amazing accomplishment. You slowly added the chills, explained well, and most of all built story. It didn’t really sink in that it wasn’t her brother until the third paragraph. Keep on writing. Think of Creepypasta as you training wheels to writing. Also look into KDP and Createspace if you decide to ever become an author. Good luck. Happy writing
Thank you!
Very predictable but not bad
ALIENS!!!
I like it so srry no comments
Wow I do think that it could have been a little longer, so they could find out what it was but great job 8/10
I felt like that was really obvious. We all knew the brother had stopped, and it was something else. Not too good bud.