Thump
A businessman drove up to the countryside to stay at a secluded inn and get away from the rat race for a little while. The receptionist gave him the keys to Cabin 10. Before he set off for the cabin, the receptionist warned him to stay away from the nearby Cabin 11. The man asked why, but the receptionist simply ignored him and told him never to go inside.
Once inside his cabin, the man glanced out the window to see Cabin 11. It looked fairly normal from the outside. Suspecting that the inn’s proprietors might be trying to cover something up, the man decided to check it out while it was still day.
To his surprise, the door was open. Inside, the cabin seemed pretty average. The bed was messy and unmade, and there was a knife scratch on the window in the shape of an X, but aside from that, there was very little separating Cabin 11 from his own.
The perplexed man’s thoughts were interrupted by a thumping sound underneath his feet. He jumped back in shock and listened more closely. It was a rhythmic banging sound that reverberated through the cabin.
Thump, thump, thump.
And it was getting louder.
Freaked, the man ran back out into the early evening sun and slammed the door behind him. He dashed back to his cabin and locked his door. Whatever was in that cabin, he didn’t want to meet it.
The man slept poorly that night, the experience haunting his dreams. After a few hours, he woke up to hear the very same noise, presumably coming from Cabin 11. He told himself it was okay, that his door was locked and he could just leave this place tomorrow.
Thump, thump, thump.
He pulled the covers up to his face, breathing deeply. The sound was louder and more resonant now than ever before. The man kept his eyes squeezed shut.
Thump, thump, thump.
The man waited and waited, but the noise wouldn’t go away. It only got more and more overwhelming, making the bed’s frame vibrate.
Thump, thump, thump.
With his face peaking over the top of the sheets, the man, unable to resist, opened one eye to see Cabin 11 through the window. The image he saw was burned into his mind.
His window, with a knife scratch in the shape of an X.
The door swung open, and the thumping stopped.
Credit To: Raki
Thump,
I don’t get it…
A cliff hanger ending and vague conclusions have a lot of potential for a great pasta. This was not one of them.
Despite the low ratings, I thought this piece was brilliant. It’s short, succinct, and still scary. There is no explanation, no rationale, and ultimately it ended up becoming more creepy because of it. I can picture this story being told around a campfire between friends. The only suggestion I would make is to build the suspense for a little bit longer. Excellent job, 8/10.
I thought this pasta was kinda’ good. Why the low ratings?
Ok really…..Lots of THEN WHO WAS…is running through my mind…
I’ve never commented one of these but I feel the overwhelming need to say….
WHO WAS THUMP?
Then WHO WAS RATRACE?
BUT WHO WAS BUSINESSMAN?
WHO WAS THE WAFFLE
I agree with Raaxis. I thought this was pretty good. Not the best one, but the sheer perfection of the grammar and spelling amazed me. It is very hard nowadays to find a pasta without errors.
I also thought that the use of the 3RD PERSON was very unique and well used. Too many pastas are in straight 1st person. It gets old reading "I" all the time. So any potential pasta writers, take notes on this one.
I see potential in this Pasta, but it needs more. I thought maybe the messy bed and blatant revelation that the scratch was a knife scratch could be a hint at a vagrant and it isn’t stated that there is no basement he could have been in and started thumping the floorboards to scare the intruder away. It needs a sense of mystery and at least the vaguest hint at what could be thumping that would take the reader’s mind away from the plausible and into the supernatural. The biggest problem I see with this Pasta is that without the receptionist telling him not to visit the cabin, he wouldn’t have.
This leads me to the creepiest conclusion I could come up with, without assuming more than we are given in the story; that the receptionist is a murderer who gets off on punishing people for their curiosity. That honestly isn’t too scary to me, but maybe it’ll spice up the pasta for others if they assume that to be the case.
I do have praise as well. You make succinct and competent use of the English language and kept the Pasta short enough that should you expand it later, you will not have copious amounts of rewriting to undergo.
i agree.
nix the “dont go in that cabin.”
replace it with some odd vibe or whatever, coming from the cabin that makes your main character curious, but when he asks about it, THEN the receptionist says “dont go in there.”
well, that’s my take on it anyway:)
That was not even scary this story was poor im soryry dood but it was.
Im sorry its me again bc i spelled sorry wrong
I don’t like this much…I mean it’s not bad..but not good either.
and then….???
its not bad.
but, i just really think that cabin 11 needs some more reasons that make your character curious to check it out, other than the clerk just flat out saying not to.
that is all:)
i don’t even..
I really liked it but I think it needs a tiny bit more of a hint of what happened at the end, it wasn’t very clear. I was a bit confused about whose window was whose etc.