• Alex

    Not sure if ParodyPasta or just bad…
    I like the idea, but the detail and context is horrendously dry. :(

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 23 votes)
  • Z.S. Davies

    A solid effort that falls into one too many cliches at the end.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +19 (from 21 votes)
  • EdiciusYoko

    Hey there, author here.

    To Alex: No, it wasn’t meant to be a ParodyPasta, but I can see how one would think so. It’s just bad, lol.

    To Z.S. Davies: I think it falls into a cliche as well, but I honestly didn’t know how to end it.

    Thank you both for your honest opinions.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +18 (from 20 votes)
    • Mike Raube-Boyer

      I don’t think it’s fair at all to label it as “bad”. It’s actually quite good. I just think the last sentence seems kind of comical and out of place. Maybe instead you could have just stopped narrating. “Oh my god! She’s leaping through the” would have been my preference. However, that minor detail does not detract from the fact that the tale is unique and creepy. Well done.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +12 (from 12 votes)
  • Anonymous

    Good pasta. I love these pastas that are not over detailed. They are long but not so long and fun to read.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
  • Skole

    I liked the pasta but the ending was bad. Personally i hate it when people throw random letters in, instead you could use a – instead (She’s leaping through the scr-)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
    • Rao

      That last sentence with the random letters made me think of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The Castle of Aughhhhhhh.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • EdiciusYoko

    To Skole: Thank you for the suggestion, it probably would have sounded better if I ended it that way instead of the mess of letters. I’m glad you liked the rest though.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  • amanda

    i think it was really good at frist i thought it was about slender man or whatever but then the mannique came and the spoge bob thing to it was awesoom it would also be a great paranorm episode

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 4 votes)
    • Anonymous

      Well, technically, there is a Doctor Who episode that does in fact use this concept. I think the story was well written. Blink is the episode of Doctor Who, the Weeping angle comes through the screen of the security officer’s screen and kills him. (I think that is what happens, I haven’t seen the episode in a long time.)

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
      • angle

        was the angle weeping because it was obtuse?

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Ayame

    Good story. Bad ending. I do like skole’s suggestion though.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  • Amy

    The ending reminds me of the whole Candlejack thi

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
  • awes0meaxel

    Loved the pasta, but the ending should have been different.
    May i suggest instead of the mannequin leaping through the monitor, it perhaps should have ended with the computer blue screening, or the camera cutting out?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
  • Axorcismy

    It was creepy alright but then again the ending killed it.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • EdiciusYoko

    To awes0meaxel: Glad you liked the pasta. I like the blue screen idea, wish I thought of it myself. I also like the camera cutting off, but then I wouldn’t know what to say after the camera cut off. Great suggestions though!

    Everyone else, sorry if I’m not responding to each person. But I really appreciate everyone’s suggestions! If you liked my pasta, thank you. If you didn’t, sorry, I tried, lol.

    Keep the suggestions coming, I like reading your thoughts and opinions.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
    • Wayne

      Dude, no being sorry allowed lol you tried, and did a good job. ‘Nuff said. And if anyone doesn’t appreciate this good pasta well then they should use their genitals for shark bait lol really though, you did pretty good.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
      • EdiciusYoko

        :) Thank you for the support! It’s almost like you knew that I enjoy fishing for sharks using human genitalia.

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • NielsBored

    The moving mannequin somehow reminds me of the first episode of the first season of Doctor Who (2005 version)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
    • Anonymous

      it’s funny because i remember watching that episode thinking ‘hey that reminds me of a creepypasta i read…’

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • ReroJ

    I liked this one. Felt a little dissappointed after the cliche ending, and it confused me why the mannequin attacked her since it was so nice to Ryan during the story?

    Oh well, the story was entertaining and hold me in its grasp to the end.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
    • Vince

      It wanted Ryan to itself.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +4 (from 4 votes)
      • EdiciusYoko

        My mannequin creation is clearly a pedo as well. That’s why her target is the audience of Spongebob.

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  • Steven

    Good imagery, original and I felt a little scared

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    • EdiciusYoko

      Glad you were scared! I find mannequins extremely creepy, which is why I had to write a creepypasta about one.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • shogunfish

    Why did you choose the name ryan? I usually think of that as a guy’s name with the female version being Rianne or Ryanne. It wasn’t overly annoying, just distracting.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
    • EdiciusYoko

      Well, I was sitting next to my brother when I wrote this story and I asked him to give me the first name he could think of.

      He gave me Ryan, so it stuck.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    • Ziaheart

      One of the women I worked with was named Ryan. It’s rare, but it’s not entirely unheard of. :)

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • jade

    great pasta!

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
    • EdiciusYoko

      Thanks! :)

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • the cake

    tv. for years it has been entertaining humanity. none of us stop to consider what it is getting from us in return.

    who’s watching who?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  • BobFredPaul

    And there goes the sweet, innocent memory of one of my favorite Spongebob Episodes ever. O.O

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
    • EdiciusYoko

      I’m sorry I ruined the episode, lol. It’s one of my favorites too.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
      • BobFredPaul

        It’s all good. I still really like the story though XD

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • http://idonthaveawebstie.com Scary Cliché

    Wow, ending ruined it, badly. 5/10.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -5 (from 5 votes)
  • Nubcake

    Okayyyy… um… I honestly don’t know how to respond to this…

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    • EdiciusYoko

      Sorry you didn’t enjoy it. Do you have any suggestions for me to better my writing?

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Jerome

    It woz 2 scari…

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • Wayne

    I really loved the rows of razor sharp teeth, and is this like one of those weird clothing store mannequins or an even weirder sex mannequin? Both are weird but I must know this.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
    • EdiciusYoko

      Lol, I was imagining one of those clothing stores mannequins with nothing but a scary mouth. Mannequins scare me so much, so I had to use one in the story.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • Anonymous

    Well, i liked the pasta. Scary Cliche does have a point though. You did a really good job otherwise. Was this your first pasta? (7/10)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
    • EdiciusYoko

      Yep, my first pasta!

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • Anonymous

    Umm…This is…Umm…Why is the a maerquin on my scree noqvlbgiakrgas;egvujsa;egbujse;gsu;iggarfgal;bhlefiuaefl;iaeufbaelfhbae,fabhed,flabhefklajbefhnbqafalwefubalweukfáliuef€ér unmí54…Hello readers! Im the Maerquin of this story! And I now have your address!!! Im coming for you :)!!! Aron Baxster…Your next! Muhhahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Best Wishes Manerquin!

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 4 votes)
Back to top
mobile desktop