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The Great Escape



Estimated reading time — 3 minutes

A dim light glowed along the cracks of the door, “Where am I? How did I get here?” the words did not escape my lips but lay trapped in my throat, rumbling along my vocal chords and spilling out in a dull moan. “Am I to remain trapped here?” I outstretched my arms, groping blindly in the darkness, running my hands along the walls, feeling for a way out. I let my hands glide along like sandpaper, sending a flesh-turning sound echoing throughout my prison. Stepping forward from the wall I immediately walked into a large wooden door and collided with a thud. I stumbled back and falling to the ground, sending the carelessly strewn objects on the floor to the edges of my small confinement.

With so much fear resting below the surface of my consciousness, I sat in the dark and contemplated my means for escape. In the silent darkness, thoughts swirled around my head; as they began to come together, neatly forming a brilliant plan, my concentration was shattered. A soft sobbing penetrated the walls of my jail, consistent moans of sorrow broken only by brief gasps for breath. The sound broke my heart but gave me hope of freedom. “Help me, I’m trapped in here and I don’t know how I got here but please help” I called out loudly, again my words twisted and contorted as they escaped my lungs leaving me with a sharp indecipherable shriek. In frustration I slammed my fists against the ground, shaking the door on its hinges. The crying on the other side of the door stopped and was replaced with deafening silence, not so much as a fresh breath broke the air.

Standing to my feet I again groped the air, finding the door again. “This is the only way out” I muttered and again my voice betrayed thoughts, emanating a long low moan. Grasping the handle I shook it violently, threatening to break it from the door itself. A loud scream was heard from the other side and I immediately let go, falling to the back wall and listening carefully. Within moments a booming roar bellowed from the other side, it sounded hurt and angry. The screaming continued again and the roar responded once more, growing louder before silencing. It’s tone grew softer, creeping closer to my small room. I listened carefully as each step of this beast drew near. The doorknob began to turn and I rapidly grasped at the objects littering the floor, throwing them over myself in an attempt to hide, peering out with but one eye. The door opened and I glanced up, making certain I remained completely still. I saw the beast that had made such fearsome noises and it sent my skin crawling. The beast was round of head but had flaps of flesh dangling from the side of its face. Its eyes were small and beady and it had a beak that protruded from its head only but a short distance. I could see tendrils gripping the handle of the door and wrapping around the side of the doorway as it searched the room with eyes alone. Turning its head it barked at the whimpering spawn behind it and soon the crying ceased. Slamming the door shut once more the beast stomped away and I was left alone, knowing only the taunting pleasures of the freedom that lay so close, yet so far away.

I understood now that I could not alert the young beast, and that if the large one returned, it would tear apart this cell in search of me. I placed my ear against the door and listened intently. I thought I heard crude beastly whispers, but nothing like the behemoth that nearly found me; it was now or never, if I could make it past the little one I would be free. I felt a breeze of wind as a window cracked open. I slammed my shoulder into the door once, twice, three times and tore through. The door fell to the side and the little one shrieked again, alerting the alpha. Quickly I darted around in search of the window, until there at last I saw the beauty of a full moon and my path to salvation. As I made my way for the open window I was stopped dead in my tracks by a second creature, as small as the other. They both screamed, their long limbs and tendrils flailing wildly in the air. I reached down and grabbed a sharp object, lunging it into the beasts chest before leaping out and escaping into the forest.

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As the man burst into the room, he saw his son crying on the bed and the friend who spent the night lying on the floor in a pool of blood with scissors in his chest, “What happened?” he shouted.

“I told you there was a monster in my closet!” The boy screamed back between sobs.

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Credit: Irrelevant

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23 thoughts on “The Great Escape”

  1. Millennium Falcon

    Wow, now this is an interesting twist – who would have thought that the story was told from the perspective of not the humans but of the monster this time… Took me to the end to find that out though!

    8/10

  2. Hm. . . I have mixed feelings on this.

    On one hand, while the ‘told from the perspective of the monster’ kind of plot twist has been done before, it’s still kind of fresh enough to have unique variations, such as this. Your writing style is pretty decent in its descriptions, too, which is useful.

    As for the bad parts. . . well, as other people have mentioned, the grammar/formatting isn’t too good. I feel like some of the paragraphs, particularly the first one, kind of run on and on with multiple actions and lines in one paragraph. As english teachers all over the world would say, you should use a new line for every speaking line.

    (“Unless they connect immediately”, the Operator said, “because, well, grammar?”)

    I feel like the action lines (as opposed to descriptions) could use some work as well, they’re all ‘I did this, I did that, I saw this’. . . but eh, take that with a grain of salt, maybe I’m just looking too deep.

    Finally, the last two plot-twist lines feel WAY too sudden. “As the man burst into the room” comes out of nowhere, and it could really do with like. A dividing line like this –
    ——————
    between it and the previous line, or “Only seconds later, the man runs into the room”, or SOMETHING to break it up instead of just coming out of nowhere. In addition, the phrasing there could definitely be fixed up.

    Anyways, it’s not the best pasta I’ve ever seen – hell, I think it might have meant to be put under ‘just needs polishing’ on Crappypasta instead – and there are a few things that still need work here, but if you cleaned it up, this could definitely be a really good pasta! In the meantime, it gets a 6.5 from me. Ciao~

    1. I agree with a lot of this. I think the concept is fantastic (I love stories/films/whatever where the *humans* are the scary ones, even though it has been done before), but the biggest problem in terms of grammar came from tense. Tense (as in: past, present, first-person/third-person, etc) has to be consistent, or if it isn’t consistent, the shifts need to make sense. It’s one of those subtle writing things that’s a pain in the butt because, in many ways, we think and talk very differently from how we like to read. Counter-intuitively (based on what I just said), this problem with inconsistent tense can be solved by reading the story out loud and editing as you go along. If you have trouble saying a line out loud, or if it sounds awkward on your tongue, it will sound awkward to a reader. I get myself into trouble a lot with over-wording things and having flowery language, so I work on toning my wordage down all the time by reading stories (and essays!) out loud multiple times.

      A personal pet peeve of mine in terms of grammar (which is no one’s fault and is easy to mess up because #English) is when people misuse “it’s” and “its”. Often, with possessive nouns, an apostrophe is used in order to indicate that possession… EXCEPT when it comes to “it”! “It” is not a proper noun, so in its (<– see?) possessive form, you simply write "its". "It's", on the other hand, is a contraction of "it is" and that is the only time an apostrophe should appear with "it".

      ^ That's all nitpicking, though. Minor details… and, alright, also procrastination from my other work. The Operator covered most of the criticism in terms of grammar so I won't beat a dead horse. Plus, I don't want to discourage anyone, at any point, from continuing to write. This is a nice concept for a pasta! I enjoyed it and I think it could be really strong work with more careful proofreading/editing/sculpting. Keep it up!

  3. Looks like someone accidentally posted this on creepypasta instead crappypasta. Grammar ruined the flow of the story, and it was just boring compared to the other stuff on this site. No idea why people in the comments are praising this

  4. In an attempt at CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, I have to say this fell rather flat. The idea was good, but technical mistakes absolutely killed it.

    First, was the monster born out of thin air in this closet that doesn’t open from the inside? Why? It doesn’t need to be stated in the story, but the author needs to know… so that clues of some sort can be given. I kept expecting for these thoughts the monster was having to go over memories… to at least attempt to puzzle out why it found itself in this “prison.”

    Second, the descriptive language wasn’t quite good enough to be so vague. “Tendrils” are defined as such: “a slender threadlike appendage of a climbing plant, often growing in a spiral form, that stretches out and twines around any suitable support. Something resembling a plant tendril, especially a slender curl or ringlet of hair.” While this word (that we later find is supposed to describe fingers) is descriptive, it does not call to mind any part of the human body (accept hair). Perhaps a giant may view fingers as tendril-like, but this monster was small enough to hide in the back of a little kid’s closet, so I’m assuming he isn’t a giant. Also, even a second read-through leaves me confused about the “flaps of flesh” on the face of the “beast.” I’m left confused by the realistic exchange between the children and the parent checking for monsters in a closet… as a parent who has checked closets and under beds many times, I’m wondering just how effective anyone might find being gruff with an already frightened child. These things definitely kept your readers from the dreaded “I knew what was happening all along” comments….because they don’t make much sense.

    The reveal was good. The idea was good. The writing wasn’t.

  5. concept was good, but i was kinda bored most of the way through. I did like how it was from a different perspective! pretty original, just feel like its missing something… 8/10

  6. While I figured it out before the end, it was close, and you had me wondering up until the last paragraph. Well written and wonderfully entertaining.

    1. Do you have some kind of superiority complex? I’ve seen you comment on a few stories and they’re all condescending.

    2. the only simple minded, cynical person here is you. All of your comments on any story are always negative. That’s pathetic, work out your personal issues dude.

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